“As okay as it can be,” she grumbled with a sniff.
“What does that mean?”
“It means he still drives me crazy.”
There was a finality to her tone, one that told him she didn’t want to talk about his father. Rather than push, he simply said, “You know where I am when you need to talk.”
“I do, Luke. I do. You always were a good boy,” she murmured softly with a gentle smile gracing her lips. “Time hasn’t changed that.”
He smirked at her. “That’s because of your influence.”
“I know. I wish the rest of the boys had listened to me as much. I’ve got Nathan’s wife calling me in tears because he won’t let her get a job, even though they need the extra cash. Then Lydia, Simon’s wife, is threatening to take the kids to Montana in the divorce.” She sighed. “I sometimes wonder where I went wrong.”
“You didn’t, Mom. We all grew up. We all became men. What they do with their lives is their choice.”
“I know, but it doesn’t make me feel better. It doesn’t stop me from feeling like a failure as a parent.”
He frowned at that. “You’re not a failure. Dear God, you’ve always been a wonderful mother, and if they haven’t taken advantage of that, then that’s their own damn fool fault.”
Lou’s top lip quirked up in a rueful half smile, but she neither agreed with him nor disagreed. Instead, she commented, “I’ll leave you to the grafting. I’ll go and check up on Lexi. I left her searching for potatoes twenty minutes ago, and she’ll probably be wondering where I am.”
“I doubt it. She was flinging herself through the dirt when I last checked on her. When Gia told me to dig out some of her old tees and ratty jeans from the attic, I didn’t realize how much better it would be for Lexi. It’s like she can finally relax now these clothes are supposed to get dirty.”
“Moms always know best,” Lou teased. “Although I blame that husband of yours for Lexi being a germophobe. Never known anyone need to be so clean; it’s not normal. Unfortunately, he’s passed it on to Lexi, but we’ll Gray her up a bit. Get her used to the dirt.” She winked at him, then with a gentle nudge to his side, said, “I’ll be back in a bit.”
“Okay, Ma.” He let her go, not commenting on her remarks about Josh.
With his own recent experiences with PTSD, he wasn’t going to judge Josh’s anal-retentive ways. His OCD was a coping mechanism, and with the nightmares as well as the “daymares” Luke had been experiencing of late, he wished he’d grown accustomed to this new way of thinking enough to be able to cope. As it was, coping seemed to be a long way down the line. Further ahead in the future than he’d have liked, but he was coming to learn that none of this was inside of his control.
If it was, he wouldn’t be dealing with any of this, and the only surcease he’d found, a single, solitary sliver of relief, came from being on the farm.
Tending the earth. Focusing on his work.
Every other part of his world was stained with a shadow of what had happened over in Libya. All of his deployments played a part, but the last one featured more prominently in his nightmares. His days in the sandbox, the missions and the horrors, were all merging into one nasty black mass that clouded his mind. He felt like a tornado was whirling around in his brain, blitzing the nerves, frazzling everything else—his control, his perception…
His ma had to holler from the greenhouse doorway now to tell him she was nearing his work area. The other day, he’d nearly launched at her when she’d approached him unawares. His elbow had been inches away from her throat. He’d been on the cusp of attacking his mother because his stupid brain couldn’t tell the difference between Libya and the US.
Gia had to open wine bottles with care because the pop was more than his senses could handle. And when Independence Day came, Luke felt certain he’d need sedatives to get through all the fireworks. Otherwise, Josh and Gia were going to feel like they were living with a basket case.
Life was suddenly full of hurdles that had never been there before. His other deployments hadn’t been a walk in the park—he’d gone to war, for Christ’s sake. The things he’d seen—he’d be a monster if they hadn’t affected him. But it was nothing like this.
Now, it felt as though he was walking through quicksand. His senses were dulled yet hyperaware. His attention span was minute, and yet, his focus could be intense.
The contrasts were starting to drive him crazy. He just hoped his way of coping was as simple as being OCD with cleanliness. Otherwise, he truly pitied Gia. She’d be the one who would have to adapt; he hoped she loved him enough to put up with this watered-down version of Luke. He wasn’t sure if he’d be so steadfast in her position.
A shaky sigh escaped him as he listened to his mother’s dull thudding steps on her way out of the greenhouse. Rather than think about his skewed mind, he got on with the grafting. At least that was productive and something he could control. He intended to work on two more grafts today, which would make eight in total.
The four he’d done five weeks ago, on his early days back at the farm, hadn’t taken. Disease had set in, destroying the graft and, thanks to the unusually humid weather, had made a fine mess of the rootstock too, which was a bloody inconvenience.
Of the two he’d done three weeks ago, one had taken, and it wouldn’t be long before they found out how well. Today’s samples would round off this bout of experimentation.
As he worked, the therapeutic nature of the act settled something inside him.
Damn, he loved gardening. He always had. If his dad hadn’t pressured him into the Forces, then he knew he’d have been happy as a farmer. Working the land, loving every moment of the stress that came from running a working farm, and reveling in being close to nature… Damn, it all sounded like his version of utopia.
The notion made him smile, but that smile disappeared when he heard the sound of someone clearing their throat. It wasn’t his mother, as she’d have called out sooner, but he realized it was his father and that Lou had warned him about Luke’s reaction to being surprised. Otherwise, Robert Gray wouldn’t have bothered with the warning at all.
“What do you want, Dad?” he asked, his tone cool. Luke didn’t turn around, preferring to stay focused on his work and give his father the little attention he deserved.
Things hadn’t been great since it had come out how Robert had been mistreating Lexi. There’d been no abuse, but neglect was as damaging to a child. Especially one as sensitive as Lexi.
Not hugging her like he would his other grandchildren, barely communicating with her…treating her as though she were less because she was Josh’s biological daughter and not Luke’s.
Anger rattled through him at the idea of what Robert had done. Compound it with his dismissal and his father’s reaction to it… Well, they weren’t exactly on good terms.
“I wanted to ask how the appeal was going.”
He turned to look at the old man and was surprised to see that the nickname fit. Robert was old. Unlike Lou, who wore her age gracefully and was in that odd phase of looking in her fifties even though she was approaching seventy, Robert looked rough. His hair was thinning, his eyes were rimmed red from what looked like a lack of sleep, and his face was peaky. He looked ill.
It discomfited Luke to realize he felt no real concern for his father. Most of the time, he looked at Robert like he was a stranger, and today was no different.
“It’s going as well as it can,” he commented, returning his attention to the graft. It wasn’t difficult work, but it required precision. One poor cut with his box knife, and he could slice through his thumb, or worse, cut off the stalks he was working on.
“Early days I suppose.”
“Can’t get much earlier. It’s only day two.”
“Your mother said Josh inferred it won’t be taking long.”
“No, he has some evidence he intends to pull out of his sleeve.”
“What kind of evidence?”
Luke peere
d at his father. “Why do you want to know?”
“I’m your dad, Luke. Of course I’m interested in seeing justice prevail, especially when it’s seen you unfairly dismissed.”
He grimaced down at the stems in his hand. “You mean when it’s seen me cast more shame on the family honor.” Luke shook his head. “Don’t think I don’t realize that’s what you meant.”
First, he came out as gay, second, he shacked up with a woman, third, came a child, and fourth, an OTH discharge. Christ, he really was racking up the sins in his father’s eyes.
“Well, it’s true. It’s hardly something to brag about, is it?”
“I’m sorry if it’s caused you a few uncomfortable moments when you’re down at the country club.” He turned back to scowl at his father and was in time to see Robert clench his jaw.
“I’m simply trying to figure out how well the review is going, that’s all. It’s not a crime, is it? I didn’t realize caring was a sin!”
“No, but it’s funny how you’ve been avoiding me all this time until Mom reveals that Josh has an ace he’s going to pull to save my ass.” As he slipped the small stalk into the T-cut he’d made in the Dr. Huey, he murmured, “Why don’t you stop pretending you give a shit, Dad? I’m too worn out to deal with your games.”
“That’s no way to talk to your father.”
The bitten-off retort had Luke shaking his head. “If that’s all you have to say, just leave me to my work.”
Robert reached forward and grabbed Luke’s shoulder. Rather than throwing him off, he froze, turned around, and spat, “Get your hands off me.”
“I want to know what’s happening, that’s all. You’re not the only one affected by this situation, Luke.”
“Yeah, that’s right. It’s all my fault, Dad, as always. Just as it’s always about you. Screw the fact my life is in tatters, that my career is at my feet. It only affects you and your world.”
“Don’t put words in my mouth. I never said anything like that,” Robert denied, but a dull flush mottled his cheeks.
“No, you just believe it. I’m the only son who made a career out of the Forces, the only one who made it to West Point, and none of my brothers even made it close to my rank, but still, nothing I’ve ever done is good enough for you. Nothing.
“One thing I learned over there, life is too short to waste on people who don’t give a crap about you.”
“You think you had it rough?” Robert snarled, jerking Luke around by grabbing his shoulder. Luke flinched, containing the shards of pain that splintered in his body at the move without uttering a single cry, and turning to face his father square in the eye. “You don’t know anything, boy. Libya’s a walk in the park in comparison to ’Nam.”
“Shall we have a pissing contest?” Luke spat, shrugging off his father’s hold. “Who has more psychological damage? Could it be Gray Sr. or Gray Jr.?” He sneered, his upper lip curling in distaste. “This isn’t a competition. What I saw doesn’t compare to what you saw, and vice versa.”
“You pansy-ass shit. Nowadays, you’ve got all these shrinks trying to tell you how to wipe your ass. You don’t know jack.”
“It’s nice to know how you really feel. Maybe you’d get a kick out of watching a kid blow himself to bits right in front of you, and maybe you’d get off on seeing your CO raping a prisoner in the ass. All that sound fun to you? Huh?” When his father didn’t make a peep, he yelled, “Does it? Is that how you get your kicks?”
“Don’t be ridiculous.”
“Then don’t fucking compare what we went through. I know shit went down in ’Nam. Crimes against humanity aren’t spoils of war to be thrown up against the other. I’m not more fucked-up in the head than you. But that’s your problem. Everything is a competition. Everything has to be cut and dry.” Luke could feel the color draining from his face as rage at his father’s ignorance began to overwhelm him. His limbs began to shake, and even knowing he wasn’t physically capable of beating the shit out of him—he was still tempted.
Robert was old. It would probably be a fair fight with Luke’s current condition, and boy, did he deserve to have his ass handed to him.
The desire to beat some sense into his dad had to be contained. He turned back to his workstation and stared down at the grafts he’d been working on. The delicacy of the task seemed inordinately difficult now his fingers were shaking with the need to shake the bullshit out of the man standing behind him. He managed it.
Barely.
“Don’t turn away from me.”
He was about to snap back, bite off some more harsh words he’d probably regret later, when a sound whistled on the wind. Lexi’s laughter. He peered through the windows that were almost entirely shaded by some form of greenery or another and saw his baby girl running around the yard, his ma chasing after her with hands covered in dirt.
“You’ll give me cooties, Nanna Lou!” she shrieked and started feinting left and right in an attempt to escape her grandmother.
Lexi’s giggles drained his anger away. They were what he needed to take a step back from the futile rage he felt toward his father. He could have said more, spewed more poison and vitriol at Robert, but instead, in a low voice, he murmured, “Josh has found out that my CO was involved in racketeering. Plus, he has evidence of an old crony of Harrison’s snooping in Josh’s office. On the hunt for only God knows what.”
Robert grunted. “That’s an offense right there, especially knowing how high Josh’s clearance is.”
Luke reared back at the appreciation in his father’s tone. That he approved of Josh’s career wasn’t news, but he’d never heard Robert speak of his husband in such a glowing manner—yes, for Robert, that was considered effusive. “Josh has worked hard on this.”
“That’s what family does.”
He cocked a brow. “Is it? I thought family stabbed you in the back when you were down or picked on harmless little girls because they didn’t fit the bill.”
He turned in time to see Robert flush. “I care, Luke.”
“It feels like you’ve never cared.” Luke pursed his lips. “Do you know, I was only ever a soldier because of you. I wanted to work this land. I wanted to be a farmer.” He shook his head. “I never wanted to go off and fight other people’s battles, but I knew I’d never hear the end of it if I didn’t follow through with your plans for me.”
“Don’t make out like this is my fault.”
“I’m not. Did you hear me blame you for this? Of course you didn’t. I’m just saying, this farm is the only place I’ve wanted to work.” A laugh escaped him. “Funny how things turn out. This entire farce has enabled me to see what I want out of life.”
“You can’t bury yourself in here grafting dumb tea roses, for God’s sake.”
At his father’s scorn, Luke smiled. “Watch me. You swayed me once, but you won’t sway me again.” He turned his back on Robert. “I’ll be sure to let you know how the appeal works out.” And with that, he continued with his work, letting a heavy, uncomfortable blanket of quiet settle in the potting shed.
Robert took the hint and without another word headed out and back to wherever he’d come from. The second he left, the atmosphere in the greenhouse lightened. He’d never understand his father, and the more he knew him, the more disappointed he was by Robert. Luke was grateful they were polar opposites.
A few minutes later, with a few more nicks made to the rootstock, Lou appeared after calling out his name by the door. “Was that your father I saw coming out of here?”
“I’d frigging hope so,” Luke retorted, shooting her a glance. “No farmhands are working this late, are they?”
She chuckled and peered over his shoulder. “True. I hadn’t thought of it like that. Those look good. I’m surprised you got anything done with Robert about. What did he have to say?”
“The usual bullshit.” He sniffed. “Everything’s working out well now Josh is going to save the day and, in the process, my reputation.”
�
�I’m sorry, Luke,” she told him, her tone heavy. “I know he’s not been here for you these past couple of months.”
“I’m used to it, Mom. He’s never been here for me, not unless I was doing exactly what he wanted me to do. I never expected support from him when I got home. I knew what his reaction would be, and he didn’t disappoint.” He sucked in a deep breath, trying to dispel the bitter taste interactions with his father always caused, and changed the subject. “How’s Lexi? I saw you two playing in the yard.”
“Covered in dirt but happy. She’s digging for potato gold, she says.”
Luke grinned, then with satisfaction lacing his words, remarked, “We have another gardener in our midst.”
“About damn time,” Lou retorted. “I wondered when any of my grandchildren would take an interest in this place.”
Touched at Lou’s inclusion of Lexi when Robert had only ever excluded her, he murmured, “Thanks, Mom.”
“There’s no need to thank me. I’ve never thought like Robert has. She’s as much mine as she’s Josh’s mom’s. That’s always the way I’ve seen her.”
“I know, and that’s why I’m grateful.”
Lou squeezed his arm, then moved over to her workstation and picked up a watering can. As she began to water her tomato plants, she told him, “There’s no need, Son. No need at all.”
* * * *
“You look tired, love.”
Gia’s concern made Luke smile. “I am, sweetheart. I’ve been at the farm all day.”
“You have? I thought you’d be at the appeal.”
Josh leaned over the counter to put a frosted glass of beer in front of him, and after he had taken a sip, he replied, “Josh said it would be wise if I didn’t go today.”
She frowned and, shoulders hunching, leaned forward. He knew she’d have moved onto his lap by now if they’d been together. “Why?”
Luke eyed Josh as he puttered around the kitchen, fixing them both a sandwich. “Well, Josh thinks I’m stupid enough not to figure out that Harrison must have been there today.”
“I don’t think you’re stupid, but I would be stupid if I put a red flag in front of a bull, wouldn’t I?” Josh called out as he sliced up some bread.
The Strength of Love Page 9