by Lauren Wood
It was a conciliatory offer and I wasn’t feeling that eager to assuage her guilt. “Is there anything else?”
“Yes, there is a batch of missing journals for this quarter that we are looking for. Do you know where they are?”
I told her that I did. “I had them that night when everything happened. I think that they are still on my coffee table. I will have it sent over to you as soon as I find them.”
There was no more that I could say with a straight face and dry eyes. I wanted to scream at her, at Stephen, someone, but I tried my best to hold it all in. This was the way it was and there was nothing that I could do to change that. The sooner I got it through my head, the easier it was going to be. While it didn’t feel like anything close to easy, I knew that it was going to be okay. Worse things had happened.
Leaving the building that I had called work for longer than I cared to think about with a small cardboard box of pictures and pens, I felt a little shattered. There was nothing that I could do to stop what happened and the feeling of helplessness was the worst thing about it all. I hated feeling this way and now that it was over, I didn’t feel any better about it. It just sucked.
The drive home wasn’t long enough and I sat there staring at the building for a while. I thought about going in and just going to bed. It was what I wanted to do, but there was no way that I wanted to run into Joel. Not like this. My face was blotchy and my eyes were red. I hadn’t taken it well and though I had kept it together when I was in there, I didn’t feel like keeping it together anymore. As soon as I had gotten into my car, the tears had started to stream down my face. It was like a flood gate was opened and I wasn’t for the life of me able to stop it.
Now I was just drained and facing him wasn’t something that I could do. He was sorry, had apologized more than ten times, but now it was too much. I had lost my job and gotten a broken heart, all at the same time. That was the problem with bad boys, someone always got hurt.
Calling my friend Carol, I asked her what she was doing after work. I hadn’t seen her in a while and a night out without a care in the world was just what I needed. I wasn’t even going to open the envelope until tomorrow. I didn’t want to sit there and do the math in my head to see how much longer I had till I had to find a job. Tonight I just wanted to drink and dance my problems away.
Chapter 11
Joel
There was a loud racket in the hallway that pulled me from my sleep. I hadn’t gotten to bed till a little while ago and I was exhausted. It seemed like everything in the building was breaking and I was the one that everyone called. It was my job of course, but at the moment I was wishing that I hadn’t even came to Louisiana. It was all a mess and there was no way that it was going to get better. I just couldn’t see how it was going to. The easy job and life that I had envisioned was not at all what it seemed.
When I got out to the hallway, I just had a pair of boxers on. I didn’t know where my pants were and there was no way that I was going to go searching in the dark for them while it sounded like someone was trying to pull the door down.
Seeing who it was, I stopped and sort of smiled to myself. “Well it seems like this is becoming a familiar sight, me on this side and you on that side.”
Cameron looked up at me with a dirty look on her face and I could tell that like before, she had had a little too much to drink.
“Just let me in Joel. I just want to get in and get to bed.”
“Why haven’t you been answering the door?”
“Because I don’t want to talk to you. After today, I definitely have nothing to say to you. I don’t even want to look at you.”
What had happened today to make her so mad at me? This was not because of the fight, it couldn’t be. That was quite some time ago and I was sure that she had gotten over it by now.
“Who the hell is making all of that damn noise!?”
Carlos came out of the apartment and looked at the two of us and just shook his head. He was going to say something smart, I could see it on his lips, but instead he just walked back in and shut the door a little louder than he should have.
“Let me in Joel.”
“No, not until you talk to me.” I was going to hold her ransom if I had to.
“Joel, this is ridiculous. Let me in!”
She was getting more and more irritated, but the fact of the matter was that I had her right where I wanted her. She wasn’t going to be able to leave me and ignore me now. Now she was going to have to talk to me and that was what I wanted. I wasn’t going to let her in until she heard me out and forgave me. That was the plan.
“Why won’t you accept my apology about it? I said I was sorry. Why isn’t that enough?”
“Because you ruined my life Joel, that is why.”
I didn’t consider that answer and I was sure that she was just being dramatic. It was one little fight. I had been in far worse many times before and nothing bad ever happened. It was what men did and a few bruises and a cut lip wasn’t enough for all of that to have happened.
“What are you talking about? I thought he was just some guy that worked with you?”
“He is a guy that is suing the company I work for and is the reason that I got fired today.”
The words were like a blow and even though she was quite a bit drunk, I could tell that she was angry. There were no more games to play. I had messed up and if the look on her face was any indication, there was no way that she was going to forgive me. I had ruined it. That was something that I was familiar with because I seemed to do it more often than not. What the hell was wrong with me?
I moved to open the door and though I thought she was paying attention, Cameron had her weight on the clear door and she fell in when I opened it for her. Catching her in my arms, I couldn’t help but wonder if it would be the last time that I felt her like this.
She didn’t immediately push me away, so I took the opportunity to hold her close to me. I wanted to kiss her and tell her that I was sorry, but I knew that it wasn’t wanted. My plans of having Cameron were gone. I had ruined her life and all because I’d gotten jealous. She wasn’t even mine and I was still jealous of anyone that got to see her and be around her. I wanted her to just be mine and only mine.
“I’m sorry Cameron.”
Her response was one that was unintelligible and as she tried to make her way up the stairs, it seemed she was having more trouble than before. “How did you even get home like this?”
She giggled and told me that she had her ways. Cameron’s blue eyes were glazed and she stopped to look at me. “I loved you, you know that?”
I shook my head that I didn’t know, at the same time my heart was soaring in my chest. I knew that it wasn’t something that she would have said when she was sober, but that didn’t matter. Alcohol had a way of getting the truth out, whether the person wanted it to come out or not. I saw it as a window into her mind. That is what I had to do or I was going to go crazy with the idea that she didn’t want me. If she did, even the tiniest bit at least meant that there was a chance and that was something that I was willing to hold onto.
“Do you want me to help you up the stairs?”
Cameron nodded that she didn’t. “I can do this myself. I don’t need your help.”
No sooner had she said it, Cameron stumbled. I couldn’t with a good conscious just let her go up the stairs and hurt herself. It didn’t have to do with the fact of who she was. I would do it for anyone, though I wasn’t sure if I would hold any other tenant in my arms the same way. She was cradled up against my chest and her face snuggled in while her arms looped around my neck. It was intimate and her body touched almost every bit of mine.
I got her up to the stairs, but this time Cameron wasn’t fighting me. She wasn’t even trying to get down. Instead of acting like she did last time, this time she just held on and handed me her keys with one hand.
I took that as she wanted me to open the door for her, which was no small feat with her clinging t
o me the way that she was. I wanted to help her, but there was another part of me that dreaded the temptation of that help. What if I was unable to stop myself from doing something that I was going to regret? She was drunk and by the looks of things, a lot more agreeable than she usually was. I wanted to take advantage of that, even though I knew that it was wrong.
Telling myself that I was going to get her into bed safely and leave, I opened the door before I changed my mind. She was just too much temptation and it was hard for me to say no, especially when I didn’t want to. I didn’t want to say no to her. I wanted her badly and I knew that the only way it was going to happen, was the right way. I was just going to have to convince her that I wasn’t the bad guy that she thought I was. Waiting till she was sober was going to be a challenge.
“Take me to the bedroom Joel. I don’t think I can walk with the room spinning the way it is.”
The room wasn’t spinning, but I could tell that it felt that way to her. It wasn’t that I didn’t want to help her, but it was going to be hard to ignore the desire in her eyes. The bedroom was the last place I wanted to be with her at the moment when she was like this.
I did as she asked though. It didn’t matter that my insides were shaking and I was rock-hard with need. I was going to have to hold it together. She was drunk. I kept repeating that to myself, over and over again. It was hard to understand what was going on in her mind, but when she pulled me down with her on the bed, I groaned out with the feel of her squirming body underneath me.
“Come on Joel, I know that this is what you want.”
It was what I wanted, but I knew that it wasn’t right. She pulled me down for a kiss and I could taste the rum in her mouth. She tasted like drunken perfection. I pulled away after a moment, the sentence still repeating in my head. She was drunk.
“I can’t do this Cameron, not right now. Not when you are like this.”
I turned to walk away before my last bit of strength was gone. She didn’t know what she was doing to me, but Cameron was driving me insane. Ever since I had met her, it had been only strong emotions and this was one that was harder than ever to handle.
“Where are you going?”
“I am going back home. You need to get some sleep.”
She reached out to me and told me not to go in the smallest voice that I could imagine. God, she sounded vulnerable and the way she said it made me fill with more need. It was painfully hard and I couldn’t stay. I just couldn’t.
“Please Joel. Don’t leave me.”
What could I do but give her what she wanted? The way her voice was so tiny and the look in her eyes was enough for me to turn around and change my mind. She was still too drunk to be with, but it was just being held that she wanted. Although it was going to be the longest night of my life, I cherished the way she felt in my arms as she drifted off to sleep. I lay in bed for the longest time watching the ceiling fan spin overhead.
What was I going to do with her? She had crawled into my heart and now I knew that there was no getting rid of her. I was stuck with her and she was going to be stuck with me. Cameron was going to be mine, even if it is the very last thing that I did. As I watched her sleep, my need for her grew in all new ways. She was the woman I had been waiting for.
Chapter 12
Cameron
I woke up with a headache and a hangover. Before I even opened my eyes, I was telling myself that I was never going to drink again. It took me a minute to remember the cause of last night’s bender and then I sighed to myself. My eyes were still closed and I knew that there was no way that I was going to be able to hold to that promise, not when I was already feeling like drinking again.
“Good morning Cameron. I was wondering when you were going to get up.”
The voice made me jump a little and I couldn’t believe who it was that I was hearing. I pressed my eyes closed tighter, wondering if this was just some kind of dream, but I was sure that it wasn’t. I could actually feel the heat from the man lying next to me. What in the world was he doing here?
“Morning Joel. What are you doing in my bed?”
“You begged me not to leave you last night, so I didn’t.”
I groaned loudly and turned away from the man. “Did we…?” I couldn’t even say it out loud. How drunk was I last night? I don’t remember anything but him carrying me up the stairs. I certainly don’t remember asking or begging him to stay. It had me worried that I had missed other things as well.
“We didn’t Cameron. I would never take advantage of you in that way. You were too drunk to remember it and when we are together, I want to make sure that you never forget me.”
I opened my eyes, but I still wasn’t really ready to look at him. I don’t think he realized how scared I was with the thought of waking up with a man next to me. It mattered that it was him, but it cemented the fact that I wasn’t drinking anymore. He was the reason that I had called Carol to go out. It was because of him that I had an envelope in the next room that was going to decide what I did next. It was all his fault.
“I’m glad to know that you have some control Joel. If only you could have found it a little sooner.”
My words were snippy and my tone wasn’t much better. I was irritated that I had allowed myself to get so inebriated and more aggravated that it had been Joel to the rescue again. It was becoming a pattern, though it was because of him the last couple of times. There was something about him that got underneath my skin and I wasn’t able to ignore him. I wished that I could, but it didn’t seem possible.
“I was just trying to get you upstairs last night. You were the one that begged me to stay. I didn’t even sleep under the covers.”
Finally I looked over at him and hated the fact that I liked the rumpled hair a bit too much. He was handsome and he knew it by the slow grin that he gave me. He was lying on top of the sheets, but he was only wearing boxers. My eyes rushed away when I saw how hard he was in all places. He had been lying right next to me like that the whole night?
“Well thanks. I am sorry I am being so ungrateful. I just don’t remember the whole scenario that ended with you in the bed. I am trying to come to grips with it is all.”
“I can see that. Do you want me to get you anything, do anything to make it easier?”
My mind went to the hardness in his boxers, but that wasn’t helping anything. I was trying to forget about him, not obsess more. “Do you think you could leave?”
The smile was gone from his lips as if I had just told him his dog died. “You really want me to go?”
I took one last look at his long and lean body and I shook my head that I didn’t want him to go. He was too much temptation and having him in my bed was not helping my mindset at all. Did he know what it was that he was doing to me? I liked to think that he didn’t, but there was a confidence in him that was derived from something.
“I will if you want me to, or I can give you what it was you were asking for last night.”
Closing my eyes, I laid back down in the bed. I could only imagine what he was talking about. “I don’t think that would be a good idea. I say a lot of things when I am drunk, so there is no way that I am agreeing to anything. I don’t know what it is I said, but just know that it was the rum talking, not me.”
“Too bad, I kind of like the rum then. It certainly loosens you up a little bit.”
Sighing loudly, he told me that he was leaving. I buried my face in the pillow and tried to forget what I may have said and the fact that I woke up next to him. I don’t know what I had said to him, but if it was anything like the fantasies I had in my head, there was no way that I was ever going to be able to look him in his eyes again.
“Are you sure you don’t want me to pick you up something? I could make some coffee, some breakfast?”
“No Joel, please just go.”
My voice was muffled because my face was still in the pillow, but he seemed to hear me because I heard the front door shutting behind him. Why was I always gett
ing in these strange situations with him? Ever since Joel had moved in and taken over the management of the apartments, it had been one thing after another.
Pulling the sheet off of me, I sighed again to no one but myself. It was still ridiculously hot in there because I still had a broken air conditioner. With everything that was going on, I should at least get him to fix some things for me. He was causing me pain and aggravation and it just seemed right that I get some cold air out of it. It was the least he could do.
My mind went to one scenario that I had dreamed about. It was cheesy, more likely the plot of some B rate porno, but nonetheless it got me a little hot under the collar. It was then that I realized what it was that I was missing.
Getting up, I got up the nerve to finally do what it was that I couldn’t do the night before. The small white envelope was going to tell me what I had to do next. I was going to have to go get a job either way, but the amount on the check would determine how quickly I was going to have to find something else.
A little relief overtook me and I was able to breathe again when I saw the check. I might not be able to get my job back, but at least they had taken care of me better than I would have thought. It wasn’t enough to make the firing okay, but it was definitely moving in the right direction for acceptance. Maybe it was time for a change.
Chapter 13
Joel
I was literally never going to understand her. Cameron was like all other woman, I just didn’t get them. She had been practically begging for it last night, but come the sun she had changed her mind. My insides were a bundle of nerves and I was physically in pain from her up and down emotions.
It didn’t help that when I get back to my place, Carlos had a grin that told me that it was not going to get easier. He wanted to know what happened and I didn’t have anything to report. I couldn’t tell him the truth.