When I reach my mom’s car and I slide into the driver’s seat, I hear my phone chime in my purse. I slide it out and look at the screen. There’s a text from Alexander and when I see his words I want to cry all over again. His message is one short sentence only: “It’s better this way.”
Chapter Twenty-Eight
I try to call Alexander back but it just rings and rings. I text him but there’s no reply. I drive straight to Edwin’s house, not knowing what else to do.
“Alexander is here,” I say as he lets me in.
“In San Mar?”
“Yes, I just saw him.”
“Damn it,” he growls, “I told him not to come.”
“Why?”
“I shouldn’t have, but I asked him about the kiss. He wanted to explain it to you in person. I told him it was too dangerous. I warned him Avestan might see him … and traveling by light and back would sap his energy … I should have known he wouldn’t listen. What did he say to you?”
“I didn’t talk to him,” I say. “That’s why I’m here, I—”
“Edwin, Avestan is back. I came to tell you as soon as—” Alenna walks in the kitchen but stops speaking abruptly when she sees me.
The fact that she said Avestan is back doesn’t even phase me, I’m so single-mindedly focused on Alexander. “Alenna, you need to help me find Alexander,” I say with urgency. “He’s here and I saw him but—”
“Alexander came back to explain a kiss to Declan that apparently you and he shared,” Edwin says, cutting me off.
Alenna looks surprised. And so am I, frankly. My suspicions were right—it was Alenna. She turns to look at me. “Declan, it’s not what you think.”
“What was it then?” I ask.
“Avestan didn’t follow Alexander at first, so we staged the kiss so he would see it.”
As Alenna explains, I notice Edwin look at her with an expression that’s hard to decipher.
“Why?” I ask.
“Because Avestan loved me once,” Alenna says. “We needed to remind him how much he hates Alexander, for having what he could never have … to make him follow Alexander away from San Mar. And we wanted him to think that Alexander and I are back together, so he’ll believe the two of you are through.”
“I told him not to come back,” Edwin says. “That you trusted him and he could explain the full story to you later.” He casts another glance at Alenna.
The memory of what occurred tonight rolls over me in a thick wave of nausea. “But he saw me kissing someone,” I say, my voice desperate and laced with anguish. “That’s why I didn’t get to talk to him. He left. Before I could explain.”
“You were kissing someone?” Alenna asks. I look over at Edwin and the disappointment on his face, too, is like a spear through my heart.
“It wasn’t like that,” I say, pleading with them to hear me out. “It was a friend from work. He kissed me out of the blue when I wasn’t expecting it.” The words pour out in a jumble. “I love Alexander. I would never cheat on him. You have to believe me.”
Alenna sighs heavily. “I learned long ago not to get caught up in the drama of mortals.”
“But that’s just it,” I insist desperately. “There’s no drama. It was a mistake. And I corrected it. I just need to tell Alexander. I need to explain.”
Alenna’s eyes meet mine and I detect disdain, or doubt, or maybe both. It makes me feel sick inside.
“I need to talk to Alexander,” I say again softly. “Can you please tell me if there’s any way I can reach him? To explain?” The desperation in my voice is palpable. “He sent me this text, and he won’t answer his phone … and I just need to talk to him.”
Edwin looks at me. “I’m sure he already left by now,” he says quietly. “When I talk with him I’ll try to explain, but I don’t think we should distract him with any more communications about misunderstood kisses or anything else for now. He needs to focus, gain his strength, and be ready when the time is right.”
Alenna nods. “He’s killing himself for you, halfway around the world, fighting some monster. The last thing we need is for you to distract him any more than you already have.”
As I absorb the pain of Alenna’s final jab, I understand that she’s only looking out for her friend. She doesn’t know me. Not really. She doesn’t realize how much I love Alexander. How much I think about him every day and worry, hoping he’s okay. How I could never forget him or betray him in any way. She knows mortals, and all of our disappointing fallibilities, and she doesn’t want Alexander fighting for something that isn’t worth it. I understand why that’s her view. But as I play her words over and over in my mind, I realize there’s one thing I don’t understand. And it’s causing my heart to beat faster in my chest.
He’s killing himself halfway around the world for you.
Fighting some monster.
But Alenna just said Avestan is here …
So who is Alexander fighting?
Chapter Twenty-Nine
“What monster?” I ask.
Edwin looks at Alenna but neither answer.
“You just said Avestan is here,” I say, my voice rising with emotion. “So what monster is Alexander fighting?”
“Alenna, why don’t you leave us,” Edwin says. “Go check in with the other guardians to make sure Avestan didn’t see Alexander when he was here.”
Alenna nods and leaves.
“What monster?” I ask again, determined.
“Why don’t we sit down,” he says, gesturing to chairs around the kitchen table.
“Edwin, you’re worrying me,” I say as he sits down slowly. “What monster?”
“Has Alexander explained to you the concept of Makers?”
I nod. “They’re the ones who turn dark guardians. If you destroy the Maker, you destroy the whole line.”
He shakes his head. “Not quite. You can weaken the whole line.”
“Alexander said destroy,” I say.
Edwin nods. “He’s correct in that they would be weakened so severely their influence would be minimal. Effectively destroyed. It happens gradually, like a spreading disease throughout the line.”
I swallow the lump in my throat. “Is the monster he’s fighting Avestan’s Maker?”
“Yes,” he says grimly.
“But Alexander said he can’t be destroyed.”
“He can be wounded. And if he can be wounded badly enough, the whole line would suffer a loss of power. Much the same as what Avestan suffered in Nusquam. It could buy you some time again.”
“But why would Alexander even try? I thought the whole plan was to fight Avestan? Once and for all? Away from here?”
He nods. “It was, but with Avestan avoiding him and continuing to dither over leaving San Mar, Alexander decided to pursue other avenues. He was hoping it might further entice Avestan to leave so he could defeat him directly, and if not, he hopes to weaken him by wounding his Maker. Either way, Alexander could return sooner.”
“Why can’t his Maker be destroyed?” I ask.
Edwin shakes his head. “It’s not easy to explain.”
“Edwin, I need to understand what Alexander is facing.”
He pauses for a moment, meeting my eyes, before he answers. “When you think of light energy,” he says, “think of it as a natural state. It’s the state we’re inclined to be in, all things being equal and balanced. It diffuses and spreads naturally. The connection is all around us, like a blanket. You can do something positive that tugs on one corner of the blanket and it can affect another corner, far away.”
I nod and he continues.
“Dark energy, on the other hand, requires influence—sometimes only a nudge, other times a hard, sustained force—to push things out of balance. But once it tips, it can become entrenched, and then it’s difficult to shift. The connection is more linear, from one to another. A line can be drawn from where it started to all the places it is now, like branches of a growing tree.”
I nod. I
think I understand well enough.
“Dark and light are inextricably linked,” he says, “with a balance that favors light.”
“Because light spreads more easily,” I say.
He shakes his head. “It’s true that the arc of energy, over time, bends toward nobler interests over sinister. But once dark energy tips, it can spread quickly. It’s a powerful force.”
“How does this relate to Avestan’s Maker?”
“If you imagine the tree of dark energy—an ancient tree—Avestan’s Maker is close to the beginning.”
“So he’s part of the trunk rather than the branches.”
“More like part of the seed.”
I swallow.
“Does he have a name?” I ask.
“Yes,” he says gravely. “Malentus. And if Avestan doesn’t leave San Mar very soon, so that Alexander can take him on directly, I’m afraid Alexander’s plan is to take on Malentus instead.”
Chapter Thirty
I leave Edwin’s house with my heart in my throat. Why is Alexander risking himself so recklessly? And the thought of him putting his plan at risk by traveling here only to be rewarded by the vision of me kissing Justin makes me feel sick inside all over again. Now he’s weaker than before and unless Avestan follows him soon, he’s planning to fight Malentus. Someone even worse.
And he’s risking it all for me, a girl he now thinks betrayed him.
When I get home, I try to call him again, fruitlessly. I read his message over and over: It’s better this way. It hurts, physically, to think of how he must have felt when he typed it. If he won’t answer his phone, maybe he’ll read a text from me. I texted him earlier and asked him to call but he didn’t respond. I know Edwin said I shouldn’t distract him … but I mull it over and decide that it’s more important for Alexander to hear an explanation. Otherwise he’ll be wondering how I could betray him so cruelly.
I start typing several times and then delete it all and start over. Finally I settle on short, simple sentences.
Remember when Molly kissed you? That’s what this was. I wasn’t expecting it. Justin is just a friend. I stopped it.
I wait for a response but don’t see the typing indicator pop up.
I decide to keep sending more texts, hoping he has his phone and he’ll see and read them all.
Please believe me
I love you
I miss you
I’m so sorry.
I wait, but still no response so I text again.
Please at least give me a sign that you received this
I stare at the screen for long minutes with teary eyes and still don’t get a reply. I send a final message.
I’ll wait for you forever
I set the phone down as tears escape, falling down my face and clouding my vision. Several more minutes go by without a response and I wipe away tears and type one last request. The most important.
Please Alexander, please don’t go after Malentus.
I press send and wipe away more tears and wait expectantly. Nothing.
I decide to take a shower to try to forget my misery for a while, but as I start to strip off my clothes, I have a thought. I sit down at my desk. I remember Alexander once telling me that one of the reasons he likes being out in the ocean is because it’s quiet. It’s away from mortals and the cacophony of endless emotions they exude and it’s a chance to be peaceful in nature. He said that when he’s out on the water he can recharge and communicate more clearly with all of the energy in the universe.
If he can’t, or won’t, read my texts, maybe I can communicate with him another way.
I open the top drawer of my desk and pull out a piece of stationery. Then I pick up a pen and pour out what’s in my heart.
Dear Alexander,
The thought that you finally came back and saw me kissing someone else weighs so heavily on me that I can hardly write these words. Justin is only a friend, nothing more, and I could go on and on to explain the mistake, but I saw the look on your face. I understand if you’re not ready to listen. But please, if by some miracle you get this, please read it anyway, all the way through.
Alexander, I miss you, every minute of every day, and I love you with all my heart. I fear for you with Avestan, and, even more so now that Edwin told me about Malentus. Please, Alexander, don’t do it. Don’t go after someone so evil. Edwin says it’s a battle that can’t be won. He and Alenna are protecting me from Avestan. You don’t need to risk your life. There must be another way to end this.
Please understand that for me it’s not “better this way,” as you said in your message. The only thing that could ever be better for me is to know you’re safe from harm. I don’t think I could live in a universe where you no longer exist. Even if you don’t come back to me … which I desperately hope you do.
Please be safe, Alexander. If you can somehow feel all the love in my heart you’ll know I’m telling the truth.
I love you. Always.
Declan
I fold up the letter with tears in my eyes, stuff it in my pocket and go downstairs and into the garage, where I search through boxes until I find what I’m looking for. Then I get on my bike and ride to the ocean.
Chapter Thirty-One
When I get to the cliffs I park my bike and walk down to the water. In my hand is one of the leftover sky lanterns we launched after graduation during a bonfire celebration on the beach. The same sky lanterns my mom and I used to send off to my dad. At the water’s edge I tuck my letter under the inside of the lantern frame and light the fuel cell with a match. The paraffin wax flames to life, turning the paper lantern into a glowing, golden lamp and as I let go of the frame so it can rise up into the sky, I whisper Alexander’s name. The luminous orb is hauntingly beautiful as it floats silently up and ever higher and out over the sea. I stare after it, watching the light get smaller and smaller as it soars aloft in the sky until finally the light grows dim and appears to flicker and go out, or perhaps it’s just so far away now that I can’t see it anymore.
Please Alexander, please get this message.
I walk back up the cliffs with tears in my eyes and get back on my bike. I notice a lone man standing on the other side of the road near the streetlight, watching me, but whereas normally I’d wonder and worry if it was another dark guardian, I can’t bring myself to care anymore.
I turn my bike in the other direction and ride home.
I wake in the morning exhausted. I check my phone and am dejected to find no messages. I get up to go to the bathroom but I don’t even try telling my sorry, swollen-eyed reflection in the bathroom mirror that I should go for my run. The whole “you’ll thank yourself later” routine is not going to work. Not today. I drag myself back to bed.
A few minutes later I hear the ding of an incoming text and my heart leaps in my chest. Maybe it’s Alexander. I immediately grab my phone from the nightstand but when I peer at the screen I almost feel guilty for how disappointed I am. It’s a message from Finn.
Can we practice driving now?
Is he serious? It’s seven in the morning. I type a reply.
It’s a little early.
He replies quickly.
My driving test is today at 2:30.
What??? You signed up for the test already?
I see the typing indicator bubble pop up and then his reply appears.
The last time you took me driving you said I’d be ready for my test “soon.” So I went online and chose soonest available.
I groan. I’m not sure if Finn’s quite ready yet. But he’s obviously excited—it took him a long time to gain confidence in his driving and the last thing I want to do is set him back. He’s so afraid of causing an accident he insists on going at precisely whatever speed limit is posted, except in the case of inclement weather (a question that was on the test for his driver’s permit), in which case he goes at a speed “safe for current conditions.” I finally convinced him he could go within five miles over the limit on the free
way. I think he memorized the entire California vehicle code. He’ll be the safest freakin’ driver in the state.
I take a deep breath, trying to summon any amount of nascent energy, before I type out my reply.
K. I’ll be there in 30.
I slowly get up off the bed and go back into the bathroom to splash water on my face. I look in the mirror and consider telling him to reschedule the test and then I shake my head. I’m probably being too cautious, he’ll do fine. He’s by-the-book, exactly what those DMV testing people probably like. I just wanted to be a thousand percent sure he’d pass the first time because he beats himself up so much when he fails.
I grab a granola bar in the kitchen and guzzle down some water before I leave. My mom is still sleeping.
When I turn my bike onto his street it’s obvious something’s wrong right away. There’s a car parked askew in the middle of the street in front of Finn’s house and I can see Finn in his jeans kneeling in front of the car. My heart is in my throat and as I get closer and see why Finn’s kneeling in the street, tears spring to my eyes and I swallow a sob. Finn is crying silently and petting Zeno, our sweet, gentle soul of a dog. Only Zeno’s not moving. He’s lying on the ground and his eyes are closed and he’s whimpering softly in obvious pain.
“I’m sorry, I’m sorry,” cries the girl standing behind us, next to her car. Her face is anguished and tears are spilling down her face. “He just ran out! I didn’t see him.”
None of this makes sense. Zeno never runs out in the road or chases cars. All he ever wants to do is sit under his tree or lie on the couch next to Finn, or between Finn and me both when I visit. How did he even get out from the back yard?
Yet none of those questions matter because here he is, lying in the middle of the street, and Finn’s crying over him and my heart is broken and I don’t know what to do. Finn’s dad emerges from the house, walking quickly, his phone to his ear, asking questions, and I can tell he’s talking to the emergency pet hospital. Mrs. Cooper comes out and puts her hands over her mouth and bursts into tears. Mr. Cooper bends down to check Zeno’s injuries while he’s on the phone and then he and Finn gently lift him and carry him to the front yard, laying him on the grass. “Go get the car,” Mr. Cooper says to Mrs. Cooper and she nods and goes quickly inside to get her keys. Mr. Cooper stays on the phone with the vet and he walks over to talk to the girl who hit Zeno. She’s still standing in the street looking stricken.
Fallen (The Guardian Series Book 2) Page 14