by Faust, Megan
“I got cornered by that bitch, Penny, that’s what happened.”
“Yes, I met her. She talked to me the other day. She was very interested in you, and in gossiping about other patients.”
“Seth!”
“I didn’t tell her anything. I’ve got your back, remember? I shut her down and she stormed off.”
“Then she let you off easy. The bitch wouldn’t leave me alone! She had the nerve to offer me a blow job. She still had dirt on her knees and she’s offering to take me out to the garden and blow me with that filthy mouth.”
That explains the exchange I witnessed in the Common Room, he thought. “You say she’s gone now?”
“Yeah, I told Dr. Hurd about it and she was thrown out,” Brant grumbled. “She made a hell of a racket on her way out.”
“Well, that should make you happy.”
“Right, it should. It doesn’t. I mean, yeah, great, she’s gone, she won’t bother me anymore, but it’s not enough to cheer me up.”
“And why not?”
“Because I hardly slept and I threw up this morning and I don’t know if it’s the withdrawal or just because I skipped lunch and supper yesterday and ate all the snacks you brought me instead.”
“All of them? Brant there were two full bags of chips in there, and the pop.”
“Okay, maybe not all of them. I didn’t feel like dealing with the doctors and their red tape bullshit and I didn’t feel like facing any of Penny’s friends so I didn’t leave my room last night. And I’m not leaving until I have my appointment this afternoon.” He crossed his arms like a stubborn child and dropped into the empty chair.
“Brant, you’ve eaten nothing but junk food since you stormed out of the dining room halfway through breakfast yesterday morning. I’m not a doctor but I’d guess that was why you threw up. You need something healthy in you. Now. And coffee wouldn’t hurt either. Let’s go.”
“No.”
“I’m not buying any more groceries so you might as well get down there before they stop serving breakfast. If you don’t like if you can just starve. Got it?”
“God Seth, when did you become such a hard ass?”
“Since you don’t seem to listen when I’m nice. Come on, I could use another cup of coffee.”
Grudgingly Brant followed his brother down to a nearly empty dining room.
* * * *
They lingered over breakfast until the cleaning staff had started washing down the tables. Seth nursed his coffee while Brant picked over his ham and eggs. He was slouched low in his chair looking every bit the sullen spoiled child.
Brant tossed his fork beside his plate. “You know, I got Alice to talk to me yesterday,” he said out of the blue. “She likes romance novels and happy endings.”
“Brant, you need to leave the poor girl along. You’re not the gentlest of people; you can be loud and abrasive. If you keep this up she’ll have you kicked out, just like Penny.”
“I’m nothing like Penny,” Brant snapped. “Just shut up.” He picked up his fork and went back to sullenly prodding his scrambled egg.
This time it was Seth’s turn to break the silence. “When I went to see Dr. Keaton he gave me a bunch of stuff to read on being a good support person.”
“And you’re doing the exact opposite? Or did you bother to read it at all?”
“Come on, Brant, I’m trying. Your mood swings and temper are making it hard for me.”
“Yeah well the lack of sleep, the disturbing dreams, and the desperate need to take just one more of those goddamn pills is making it hard on me.”
“You’ve been off the pills for forty-eight hours, Brant.”
“I never went more than six hours without a pill, Seth. That’s sixteen pills I haven’t taken. Sixteen pills that I miss, I crave. My foot is healed, it’s been checked twice by doctors, and the damn thing still hurts.”
“Phantom pain is normal after a traumatic experience, right?”
“Phantom pain is when you lose your foot but you can still feel pain, or itchiness, idiot. My foot’s still there.”
“Okay, but it’s the same sort of thing, right? You’re feeling a pain that isn’t there.”
“I’m feeling a pain that isn’t supposed to be there. My body remembers, Seth. Pain leads to pills because pills relieve pain. If the cravings aren’t enough to make me take the damn pills then the pain should be. And it is. If I could get my hands on one pill I’d take it without a second thought.”
“What about Dad? What about your career?”
“Right now I don’t give a shit about any of that. I just want the damn drug.”
“Are you going to tell Dr. Keaton that today?”
“Why? He didn’t want to listen yesterday. It’s none of his business. I don’t care about their philosophy of healing. I just need to stay here until I can care more about my career than the drugs for twenty-four consecutive hours.”
“Dr. Keaton can help with that.”
“Unless he knows what sort of hell I’m going through I doubt he can help.”
“But you expect me to help?”
“I don’t need help getting better, I need help staying sane.”
“But why me?”
“Because it’s always been you.”
“Oh, so you have noticed.”
“Of course I’ve noticed. I would have caved under the pressure of trying to win every race and earn Dad’s approval without your help. You’ve helped me to stay focused, to stay sane.”
“Is that all?”
Brant frowned. “Why?”
“No, nothing. You flatter me and I’m not used to it.” I am used to you not seeing or acknowledging all the times I stopped you from offending the wrong person or getting your nose bloodied because you’re too arrogant to think before you speak. He sipped his coffee to hide his frown.
“Come on, I’m not hungry.” He pushed the last of his food aside. “I saw a deck of cards in the TV room. Let’s kill a few hours upstairs.”
I thought you said cards were pointless, Seth thought but all he said was, “Sure Brant, whatever you want.”
* * * *
Alice finished her lunch and still hadn’t seen Brant. He hadn’t come down to the library all morning and they hadn’t crossed paths at either meal. She was starting to get nervous that maybe he’d left after the incident with Penny. If he’s hiding in his room, or gone, there’s nothing more I can do. I’ll just look around the Common Room and library one more time.
From the doorway she saw Brant’s brother in the Common Room. Sid? Simon? No, it was one syllable. Oh bother! Maybe he knows where Brant is and if he’s upset with me. She took two steps and froze. I can’t talk to him! But I can’t say thank-you to Brant without knowing where he is. A few words won’t hurt, really, they won’t. He seems quieter than Brant; he should be easier to talk to. She took a deep breath and forced her feet to carry her across the room.
Seth didn’t even notice her until she said, “Excuse me, are you Brant’s brother?”
At first he was ready to snap at whoever was standing there; he’d heard that line too many times from fans looking for an introduction. They would be sweet and flirty with him until Brant came on the scene and then Seth would become invisible. When he looked up he saw the blonde, Alice, standing next to the couch. Her smile was thin and nervous. She rubbed her hand up and down her arm. Being this close to her he could see her eyes were an alluring shade of blue and he imagined that if he could make her smile, really smile so that those eyes lit up, that she’d be the most beautiful girl he’d ever seen.
Brant’s going to terrify her or hurt her more than she’s already been hurt. I won’t let that happen. I won’t. No matter what it costs me I will erase the pain from those beautiful eyes.
“Yes,” he said. “I’m Seth.”
“I haven’t seen Brant in a while and I sort of had something I wanted to tell him.”
Infatuated already, Seth thought as his heart dropped. “I
could tell him, if you’d like.”
“No, since I want to thank him for helping to get rid of Penny I should say it myself, even if I don’t like talking to people.”
Seth smiled. “You just missed him. He had an appointment with Dr. Keaton.”
“Oh.” She rubbed her arms as though chilled and chewed on her lower lip while trying to decide what to do next.
Seth thought fast and moved fast, suddenly desperate that this chance encounter should continue for as long as possible. “Did you want to sit and wait for him? I wouldn’t mind the company.” He gestured to the couch opposite him. When she hesitated he added, “We don’t have to talk unless you want to.”
The other couch is far enough away. It’s just like sitting in Dr. Keaton’s office. It’s safe. She nodded and settled on the other couch. She kept her eyes on her hands. “Does your brother ever take no for an answer?”
Seth frowned. “No, he never really does. Sometimes I can talk him into changing his mind, and sometimes he loses interest on his own, but he doesn’t back down easily. Is he bothering you?” I’ll get him thrown out if he’s hurt her, I don’t care one bit about his career.
“You mean like Penny used to? No, he’s very polite to me. He’s just very persistent. I’m not used to that. I’m not sure I want that.”
“What do you want?”
She laughed, a short, nervous sound, and said, “You sound like Dr. Keaton.”
“I’m sorry, I shouldn’t ask, it’s not my place. It’s just very hard to make small talk in here.”
“Yes, I guess it is. You must really care about your brother, coming here with him.”
Seth shrugged, inwardly glowing at the compliment. “He sort of dragged me into it. It’s no big deal though; I’m used to fixing his mistakes.”
“It would be nice to have someone like you around. My brother gave up on me two years ago. I haven’t talked to him since. He didn’t even pick up the phone when …” Her voice hitched and he realized she was close to tears. “I’m sorry.”
“No, it’s okay. I don’t expect you to pour your heart out to me. We’ve only just met.” I wouldn’t mind if you did though, he added silently. “So, where are you from?”
“Oh, right here in Utah. My brother and his wife live in Brigham City, not far from my mother. I’ve lived all over, Salt Lake City, Ogden, a few places in between; I was adventurous; my brother said I was reckless. I guess he was right. What about you?”
“Michigan. My father grows potatoes and we all still live on the farm.”
“All? How many of you are there?”
“Just one more. We have a sister, Chloe, but Brant had a falling out with her recently. She has a steady boyfriend now and is planning to travel with him.”
“Business or pleasure?”
“Excuse me?”
“Does this boyfriend travel for business, or is he taking her on a cruise or something?”
“Oh, it’s for work, but you only go into a career like this if you don’t mind travelling.”
She shivered and pulled her sweater tighter. “I like listening to you talk, Seth.”
“I like this too.”
“I never know what to say to people anymore. My last boyfriend preferred it if I didn’t talk at all.”
“That’s too bad. I think you’d have some interesting things to say.”
“Oh, I don’t know. I don’t know much about anything. Not talking was just, well, safer.”
Seth didn’t like how carefully she was choosing her words, and he really didn’t like the idea that silence had been her safest option in life. He knew better than to press and turned the subject elsewhere. “Brant said you liked books.”
She smiled. “Yeah, I guess I do. There’s not much else to do in this place.”
“You don’t watch TV?”
“There are always too many people in the television room. I don’t mind. I haven’t had access to books really since I left home at sixteen.”
“Sixteen, wow, that’s pretty young.”
“That’s what my mom and brother said. They were right, of course, but at the time I just wanted to be free.”
“I guess we all want to stretch our wings at some point.”
“You’re being sweet. I was stupid. But I don’t like talking about it. Tell me about growing up on the farm.”
“I don’t know what to tell you. It was chores and family and my dad swearing at the weather.”
“You never played? You never had a day off? Tell me a happy story; I like happy stories.”
* * * *
Brant sat in the arm chair in Dr. Keaton’s office, glaring as Dr. Keaton got organized and took a seat. “Okay, it’s obvious, even to me, that you’re upset about something so why don’t you tell me what’s bothering you and we’ll go from there.”
“No.”
Dr. Keaton arched an eyebrow. “All right, let’s start with something more conventional then. How are you sleeping?”
“Fine.”
“Any bad dreams?”
“Sure, doesn’t everyone?”
“Strange dreams?”
“Sometimes.”
“Since you’ve been here?”
This time Brant only shrugged.
“What about your appetite? Do you find you’re eating more or less than normal?”
Another shrug.
“Have you been sick?”
“Why do you care about any of that? Aren’t you supposed to ask how often I have cravings?”
“Okay, how often do you have cravings?”
Brant sank lower in the chair. “Too often for you to let me go home. Are we done here?”
“Not quite. Does your foot ever hurt?”
“No,” Brant snapped too quickly.
“Brant, I need to chart your symptoms so I can track your progress through the withdrawal. Think that over. I’ll see you in two days.”
“Great.”
He made it as far as the door before Dr. Keaton said, “Brant, why are you so against talking to me?”
“Was Penny kicked out because of what I said?”
“Partly.”
“That’s why. You can’t enforce your own rules effectively. You know nothing about me or the hell of addiction. You can’t help me so why should I talk to you?” He left without an answer.
Brant came into the Common Room to the sound of female laughter. He spotted Seth on one couch and Alice across from him, her face lit up in a smile. He wanted to stay and listen to her for as long as she would laugh; the sound was musical and he longed not only to hear her but to be the one to draw that alluring sound from her lips. But at the same time he wanted to punch Seth. I saw her first. I talked to her first. Who the hell does he think he is?
His hands curled into fists. All the anger over Penny and Dr. Keaton and Dr. Hurd and the drugs were sitting too close to the surface. This was just one more reason to be angry at the world and all the traitors in it. He stormed over but froze in his tracks when Alice lifted those blue eyes to his face. Her eyes held something other than fear for the first time since he’d met her.
“Brant! Seth was just telling me about the time you two here building ground forts.”
“Was he now?” Brant growled. She’s not afraid. She’s sitting here talking and she’s not afraid. She’ll be afraid again if I tear Seth to pieces. I have to calm down or she’ll be afraid of me too.
“Did you really get stuck head down because the hole was too narrow?”
“Yes, he did,” Seth said with a chuckle.
“How nice of you to embarrass me like this,” Brant said.
“Oh, please don’t be upset,” Alice said. “I think it’s sweet. Come and sit and you can tell me stories about Seth.”
The fact that she was patting the cushions beside her, and the fact that there was nothing but simple pleasure in her eyes, melted Brant’s anger and he came around to sit beside her.
Seth frowned. He’s going to scare her into silence aga
in.
“Okay, here’s a story about Seth. When we were about eleven and twelve my mom took us to her friend’s cabin by a lake. One day the tide was really low so we went out looking for clams. We dug this hole …”
“Boys seem to dig a lot of holes,” Alice said.
“Didn’t your brother ever dig holes?” Seth asked, trying to change the subject before Brant reached the punch line.
“No, we grew up in the city. Our holes were confined to sand boxes. What happened to Seth?”
“Just about the same thing that happened to me in the fort.”
“Except I didn’t end up head down,” Seth grumped. “Thank god.”
“No, but the water seeped in and washed the hole in so he ended up waist deep in a sand bar instead of in a hole. I couldn’t dig him out so I went to get help. Chloe, that’s our sister, drew a mermaid’s tail in the sand and one of my cousins got a picture of it. We did dig him out before the adults caught on and besides the sand, which was everywhere, he was fine.”
Alice smiled. “It sounds like the three of you had a lot of fun as children. Seth said something about a fight, what was it about?”
Seth saw Brant tense and his heart leapt. Go on, he thought. Lose your temper, right now. Tell her how your bitch of a sister ruined your life just by falling in love.
“Brant, is everything okay?” Alice said.
“No, but I don’t want to talk about it.” His voice was gruff and one hand had balled into a fist again.
She laid a hand on his. “I can understand that. There are a lot of things I’m not ready to talk about. If you change your mind, I’d listen.”
“Thanks. So why did you change your mind?”
“About what?”
“About friends and talking to people?”
Seth cringed. No Brant, don’t ask personal questions. You idiot, don’t push her.
“Oh,” she blushed. “I wanted to talk to you but you were busy and Seth was reassuring to talk to. Now I’m realizing that I missed real conversations with real people.”
“You wanted to talk to me?”
“Yes. I wanted to thank you, for getting rid of Penny. She was always very mean to me.”
“Dr. Hurd said he wouldn’t throw her out unless someone else complained. You owe someone else a thank-you; we both do.”