When Dad pulled his car into the turnaround beside my dorm building, I said nothing as I got out. I did force myself to turn around and wave at him as he drove off, but that was it. No I love yous, no goodbyes. That was all he would get. It was more than my mom got, before we left. I didn’t even tell her we were going, though I was certain Dad did.
Once his car was out of my sight, far off down the road, I turned and angled my head up, staring at the tall building. This…this suddenly felt pointless after last weekend. Technically, Halloween was still coming up, so I was sure there would be multiple parties still going on that I could lose myself in, but…
No. I was done losing myself. I didn’t want to repeat Saturday night.
In the waning light, the building almost seemed ominous, and I didn’t want to go in, or go up. Seeing Mel again…she didn’t have to know that I fucked up so royally during my time away from SCC, and she wouldn’t. She didn’t need anything else on her plate. What would be the tough part was pretending like everything was okay, acting like I hadn’t made one of the worst mistakes of my life.
Did I ever regret hooking up with someone before? I didn’t think so. Maybe Levi, but I’d take Levi a thousand times over what I did last night: Ash’s crush, Sawyer.
I was a terrible friend.
Granted, it wasn’t like I knew. His pink hair was covered up in that cheap Halloween spray-on dye or something. If I would’ve seen pink hair, I would’ve slowed my roll right up. I helped Ash come up with that little scheme, after all. If I would’ve known it was Sawyer, I would’ve pressed on the brakes and stopped myself from making a huge mistake. I mean, how the hell was I supposed to know Sawyer was also at a Stanton party? From what Ash told me, he liked to throw his own parties at his own damned house. I wasn’t psychic; I couldn’t predict where he’d be on that particular night.
Those were just excuses I made to myself though, to help me feel better.
I sighed, tossing the backpack around my shoulder as I headed to the side door. I didn’t go up the stairs; I went out the stairwell and into the hall that led to the main lobby. Laundry was on the first floor, along with rows and rows of small mailboxes near the front desk, a lounge on the desk’s other side.
Not once this whole semester had I checked my mail, and I wasn’t going to start now. I had no friends beside Ash and Mel, and it wasn’t like they’d mail me anything.
I headed to the lounge, sitting in a corner seat, right beside a wall of windows. The windows overlooked the street that the turnaround was on, so it wasn’t like it had a great view; still, better than nothing. Better than going upstairs and facing Mel.
I didn’t want to add to Mel’s problems. If there was one person I wanted to fool, one person who I wanted to believe everything was all right, it was Mel. She had enough she already had to deal with; I didn’t want to be the one that pushed her to the edge again. I didn’t want her to try to hurt herself because she thought she was to blame for everything.
Closing my eyes, I leaned back on the wall, or as best as I could, considering my backpack was there. My head ended up going back too far, at too weird of an angle, so I brought my head back up with another sigh. I had the feeling I’d be doing a lot more sighing now.
Life. Who knew it could suck this much?
Mel, obviously. She knew life could suck this much, if what she did last year was any indication. Still, as horrible as I felt about it, I didn’t think I’d ever reach that point, where I’d want to kill myself just to escape the awful feeling of being alive.
No, I’d just be miserable while trying to put on a brave, confident face, while pretending to be the old Kelsey and not this new one.
The new Kelsey sucked. I hated her, I really did.
I couldn’t say how long I sat there, trying to get it together, to make sure I wasn’t going to cry again when I went upstairs and saw Mel, but it was a while. A long while. But end it did, and I slowly got up, my legs a bit stiff from the lack of movement, and wandered to the elevator. I was the only one that got on, hitting the button to my floor and sighing to myself as the doors closed.
My feet drew me towards my door in the girls’ wing of the building, and I went in my pocket for the key to the lock. I pushed inside, instantly putting on a happy face. Or, well, a steady face, not the face someone wore when they wanted to curl under their sheets and sleep the next year away.
My normal face, I thought. I hoped. Guess I’d see.
Mel was at her desk, working on her laptop, though she shut it when I walked in. Bags hung under her eyes, as if she hadn’t slept well while I was gone. Ditto, sister. “You’re back,” she said, stating the obvious, watching as I walked into the room and tossed my bag on my bed and kicked off my shoes.
“Yep,” I said with my back to her, wincing at how happy and giddy my voice sounded.
“How’s your friend Ash?”
I unzipped the bag, beginning to unpack it. “She’s good. She’s got a lot of drama going on, but she’s good. I hoped I helped get her mind off things…” I stopped, knowing I’d succeeded there, but only because I’d added onto the pile of shit Ash had to deal with. Me fucking one of her crushes—that went against every girl code there was.
And there was one. A girl code. There was a bro code, and a girl code, both very different things.
Mel waited a while before asking, “And the rest of your weekend was good too?”
I knew what she was asking about without outright asking, and my shoulders tensed. Turning to face her, I gave her a grin that I hoped was believable. “It was good. Exactly the kind of weekend I needed. How was yours? Event-filled, being here all alone?” Didn’t know why I had to change subjects and put it on her, but I did.
She gave me a tiny smile. “It was good. Quiet, but good.”
We remained that way for a minute or two, both of us smiling, both of us probably telling lies they hoped the other believed. Did she think I had a good weekend? Maybe. Did I think she had a nice one? Not really. She didn’t seem like she enjoyed anything anymore, which really sucked, because I knew the drama surrounding Levi and Dean played a big part in that.
Speaking of the devil himself… Mel broke her silence, the smile falling off her face, “Dean tried calling me a few times this weekend. I blocked his number.” She squared her shoulders, trying to look tough or something, as she added, “I figured you’d be proud of me.”
“I am. No more Dean for you. Have to snip that dick like…” Well, I was going to make a foreskin joke, but maybe I shouldn’t. Shouldn’t really have dick on the brain in general after last night. To change subjects, I told her, “And I was careful last night, Mom, so you don’t have to worry.”
Mel giggled, and just like that, we were back to our normal selves.
Mostly.
If our normal selves involved heapings of self-loathing and self-hatred…and lies.
I called it an early night, spending an inordinate amount of time in the shower, trying to rinse away every lingering touch on my body. When I closed my eyes, I pictured Levi’s face, and then I remembered fucking Sawyer, and then…then Levi’s face changed. In my mind, he walked away from me.
Supposed it was a good thing. If Levi ever found out I was with someone else, surely he’d be pissed beyond all belief. Maybe he’d be pissed enough to forget my existence entirely. A man like him wouldn’t take his girl wandering well.
But, I had to remind myself, I wasn’t his girl.
Even when we were together, we weren’t boyfriend and girlfriend. We never used labels. So…what the hell were we? Friends with benefits? Were we friends? I didn’t think so. Maybe acquaintances with benefits, if that was a thing. Not sure it was, but, eh. At this point, it didn’t really matter.
I didn’t have Levi. I had no one, nothing.
That—that was downright depressing.
After my fingers turned to prunes, I finally decided that was long enough of a shower. I quickly dried myself off and changed into my pajamas bef
ore leaving the communal bathroom and heading down the hall. Mel was already in her pajamas by the time I got back, and she gave me a small smile as she grabbed her toothbrush and toothpaste and left for her nightly routine.
This was how the semester would continue. This was how things would go.
One day at a time, that’s how I had to take it. That was easier said than done, though.
When it came to life, everything was easier said than done.
Chapter Four – Levi
I didn’t go back to her dorm on Monday. After my little tiff with Dean, I was trying to tread lightly where I could. I didn’t want to make any more big scenes. As it was, Dean would be on the lookout for me now, so I had to press the brakes and cool off. Focusing on Kelsey would not help me cool off.
Plus, I didn’t want her to think I was some stalker or something.
I wasn’t. Not really.
I planned on giving Kelsey some space, maybe for a week or two, but that first Tuesday, that first lab after the weekend she spent away, I knew something was wrong with her. It wasn’t hard to figure out. She practically spaced out, she and her partner standing near a lab station near the windows in the back for most of the class. Though I was on the other side of the classroom with my partner, I could tell she hardly spoke. Her body was stiff, yet slumped. Her full lips were drawn in a line, and she spent most of her time staring out of the window.
It was a miserable fall day, not the kind of weather you’d want to gaze longingly at.
How the hell could I give her space when she looked so downtrodden? So depressed and sad and—fuck—lonely? I didn’t want Kelsey to ever feel those things; I wanted to make her better, to help those lips curl into a sly smile again.
It was as the period went on that I lost myself in my thoughts. What if her weekend was terrible? What if something happened to her while she was gone? I’d watched her at the Sigma Chi party, and I knew she was a girl who was comfortable at parties and drinking, even if she was by herself. What if…
No, I wouldn’t let my mind go there.
Once lab was over and everyone was packing up and leaving, trying to hurry to beat the rain that was surely going to fall, I stopped doing everything, my head turned toward the back of the class, where Kelsey still sat, staring out of the window. She and I were the only ones left in the classroom, and even though there was only fifteen feet between us, it felt like so much more.
My bag hung loosely over my shoulder as I quietly got up from my seat, slowly making my way toward her, inching closer like I was afraid she’d snap and bite me, a wild, feral animal I knew better than to trust.
Fucking stupid. If anyone shouldn’t be trusted here, it was obviously me.
I stood near her, saying, “Hey.”
My voice immediately snapped Kelsey out of whatever funk she was in; she blinked, coming back to herself, and immediately grabbed her bag, doing her damnedest to ignore me. If she wanted to pretend to not hear me, she could go right ahead. I knew those ears of hers heard me, and I knew I still affected her, one way or another.
She got up and walked out, slinging her arms through the straps on her bag. She did not walk with haste, but she didn’t exactly take her time. Kelsey was doing her best to ignore me, but that…that wasn’t what I wanted.
I walked beside her in the hall, saying darkly, “You know, common courtesy says when someone is trying to talk to you, you talk back.”
Kelsey’s feet abruptly stopped, and she turned those big, brown eyes to me. Heat crept along me; it seemed she still held power over me, even though we weren’t together. Fine by me, because I wanted her back. I needed her.
“Can we just…not do this today?” Kelsey spoke, hardly sounding like herself. She sounded so downtrodden it actually pained me to listen to her speak. It pained me because I immediately wanted to know what was wrong, how I could help make it better.
Stupid, because I never made anything better. I always made things worse.
My feet stopped, and I stood staring at her, my head tilted down. Had she always been so small? She was on the shorter side, and normally she had more than enough attitude to make up for it, but this…this didn’t feel like her.
“What’s wrong?” I asked, hoping I didn’t sound too pathetically desperate.
Me. Pathetic and desperate. That was a first for me. Kelsey was forcing me to have a whole lot of firsts—another first? Me wanting her to be my last. I couldn’t imagine any other girl with me but her. She was it for me.
All Kelsey did was shake her head and head to the stairwell, leaving me alone in the hall, save for a few other stragglers who took their good old time in leaving their classrooms. I watched her go, eyes studying the way she walked.
And her ass. I never could resist that ass. Watching her walk away was…not something I should enjoy so much, but I did.
I let her go. What else could I do?
I let her go, though my mind was on her every second of every hour until I saw her again during the next lab. This time, I said nothing to her. This time, I merely watched her. She was not acting like herself still, which worried me. I’d actually lost sleep over her, and I hated that she held this power over me.
When this lab let out, I let her go, not saying a single word to her. Unlike the previous class, however, I didn’t let her go alone. I followed her. A bit stalkery, yes, but I needed to prove my point.
What was my point?
I wasn’t giving up. I wanted to make amends. I needed to do everything I could to make this girl forgive me for past mistakes and make her believe that I wasn’t going to repeat them. Everything with Mel? Yeah, I fucked up, and if I could go back in a time machine and change what I did, I would. But everything with Kelsey? None of it was a lie. Not a single thing I said to her was a lie.
It wasn’t like I expected to fall for her, but that’s precisely what I did.
Love. I fucking loved this girl, and I wouldn’t give up until she realized it herself.
Kelsey was ten feet in front of me, heading down the wide walkway that led to the front doors of her dorm building, when she abruptly stopped and flipped to face me. Her lips wore a frown, and her brown eyes were cold.
“What are you doing, Levi?”
Levi. God, I’d give anything for this girl to call me Blue one more time.
“I thought it was obvious,” I said, both loving and hating the way my body reacted to being so close to hers. I’d give anything to be able to sweep her off her feet, pin her against the brick wall of that building, and show her just how badly I needed her. I would shower every inch of her skin with kisses, and when she thought she could take no more, I would keep going. She’d never had a lover like me before, and I’d never had a girl like her.
Couldn’t she see we were meant to be? We were as fated as fate could be when it came to humans.
She told me that I’d ruined her? Fuck that. She ruined me. She ruined me every which way. I hardly recognized myself anymore: quick to anger, almost obsessive, relentless. Kelsey had driven me mad.
“I’m following you,” I told her.
Kelsey eyed me up suspiciously. “Why?”
“Because you won’t talk to me.” The answers to the questions she asked were obvious; she should’ve known them without the need to speak.
“Don’t you think that if I wanted to talk to you, I would?” she posed her own question, taking a step toward me, closing the little bit of distance that sat between us. Her hands practically curled around the straps of her backpack, so hard her knuckles were white. “Don’t you think that if I wanted to see your face, I would make time to?”
I said nothing, because I knew nothing I could say would make her see reason. Not yet. She was too blinded by whatever rage lingered…although she still seemed off. She acted tough like usual, but behind that front, I saw it—the sad girl behind the mask.
“I don’t want to see you, or talk to you, or even be in the same room as you,” Kelsey went on, her words hurled like kn
ives. Knives whose sharp edges stung, but I was a stronger man than she thought. Nothing she could say would make me— “If I wanted to get back with you, don’t you think I would’ve stopped myself from sleeping with someone else?”
I took back my earlier statement. That one…that question made me stop. That question made all of my thoughts vanish. Never before had I been so dumb-founded, so shocked, so…so ticked off.
“What?” I managed to say, speaking the word as if it was a swearword. What equaled fuck in that single-word sentence.
“Oh, yeah. I fucked someone else. Some rich boy,” Kelsey went on, and even though I knew she was saying it so blatantly to purposefully hurt me, to get me to stop chasing her, even though I knew I shouldn’t let her words get to me, they did. Of course they did. “Some rich boy with a fat wallet and an even bigger dick.”
My lips thinned, and it was hard for me to breathe. Suddenly the air tasted so stale and stagnant.
Kelsey shrugged, her voice raising, allowing every other student walking by to hear each word she said, “So what now, Levi? You still going to follow me around like a lost puppy, or are you finally going to realize that I never want to see your face again?” When I said nothing, when I only stared at her, she added, “I could go fuck a few more people, if that’ll help get it into your thick skull.”
I couldn’t believe what she was saying.
“What?” Kelsey plowed on. “Just thought I’d offer, since I’m so nice and all. Any one of your friends who you’d like to see me ride? Might as well tape it, since there’s already one out there. I could be the next Kardashian, making my way in this world one fuckboy at a time.”
“Shut up,” I muttered, a muscle in my jaw tensing. It took everything in me to simply say those two words and not a whole lot more. My mind reeled, and I…I needed time to process. I needed…
Well, I thought I needed Kelsey, but with the way she was acting, she didn’t need me.
“Shut up?” Kelsey repeated, taking yet another step closer to me—dangerous territory, considering the conversation we were having. The most dangerous territory there was. “I’m finally talking to you, and you want me to shut up? Make up your fucking mind—”
Mistakes : A College Bully Romance Page 21