by HJ Bellus
“Tessa, wake up right now.” The pulling of my shoulders becomes more rapid. “Will, I need your help.”
A stinging sensation lights on my face. It must be the gunshot.
“Tessa, wake up now.” The sound of Will’s voice sends me sitting straight up in bed.
Heavy heaves of breath escape and I battle to find control. My cheeks are wet. My hand flies to the wet liquid on my face and when I peer at them, I’m relieved to see clear liquid.
“Tessa, you’re okay.” A frightened Tommie pulls me into her arms. “You were having a nightmare.”
Will is standing near us with a concerned look covering his face, and I instantly feel horrible for causing even more stress on them.
“I’m sorry, guys. I guess I was dreaming?” It comes out more as a question than a statement.
Will sinks into the bottom of the bed facing both of us. “Tess, don’t apologize. We are family and will always be here and care for you no matter what.”
Tommie strengths her grip on me. “He’s right, Tess. We love you.”
Their words compared to the harsh reality of Scarlett’s are refreshing and breathe just the tiniest bit of hope back into me. I feel beyond guilty for keeping my pregnancy a secret from them but just know if Finn had found out he would have hunted me down.
“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you guys.” I pull back from Tommie and gesture to my baby bump.
“We know you are, Tess. I’m going to go fix us up something for lunch. I’ll call you hot preggos when it’s ready.”
The hint of laid back Will I know makes me giggle. He’s always been the rock for Tommie and me with his unusual personality and inappropriate comments, but the only thing that has ever mattered is his heart of gold.
We both watch in silence as he exits the room and leaves just the two of us sitting on my bed facing each other.
“How are you feeling?” I ran both my hands over my future niece or nephew.
“I’m fine, Tess.” Tommie grabs both of my hands as tears begin to escape her. “How are you, Tess?”
Allowing a breath of air to escape I answer her with a shake of my head.
“I’ve been better I guess. He hates me, Tommie.”
“Baby girl, he doesn’t hate you. He’s angry, but what did you expect?”
A grunt comes out as answer because I really didn’t know what to expect or to even begin to reply to her question. Honestly, I’d give anything to erase the last six months.
“You broke his heart, Tess, and I’m not trying to be mean, but you did.”
“She’s pregnant.” I lay back down on the bed staring at the cottage cheese spackling on the ceiling as my whisper vibrates around my room.
“Yes, she is. Finn didn’t run to her though. He was a complete mess, Tessa. Drunk every night and was even thrown in jail a couple of times.”
“He what?”
“Finn was thrown in jail twice for disorderly conduct. He was looking to fight with anyone or anything that walked or talked to him.” Tommie lies back on the baby blue daisy pillow next to me letting her black silky gown sprawl out on either side of her. “He had no hope.”
“But now?” I stare down at Tommie expecting her to divulge all details.
“I don’t know the whole story.”
“Tell me, Tommie.”
“I guess one night at the G-Spot Kara showed up.”
“Of course she did,” I interrupt.
“Well, she was looking for one thing and it only took her about two hours to bag him.”
“Finn,” I whisper.
“Yes, Finn.” Tommie fidgets nervously with the hem on her dress as she speaks. “It was one night and the next night is when he went to jail for the second time. Wes says Finn went ballistic when he woke up the next morning and realized what he’d done. Stewed all day over his night with Kara.”
“He’d given into Kara.” I shift my body to roll over on my other side staring down the perfectly placed pictures of Finn and me. “So, she finally won him back?"
“Yes, but that was the only time, Tessa. After that Finn refused to see her and permanently stayed with Granddaddy on the ranch. He’d go on long hauls for days. He became a ghost.” I feel Tommie’s hands begin to braid my hair. “Kara came back to town about a month later with her news of a baby.”
“How did Finn react?” I ask really not even wanting to know the answer.
“No one knows.”
“What do you mean?”
“No one knows, Tess. He didn’t leave the ranch or Granddaddy’s side. He worked his hands to the bone burying himself deep into the ranch.” Tommie’s voice begins to shake. “Wes said Kara would go visit Finn every once in a while but was never welcomed out there. He also thinks Finn knew Granddaddy didn’t have much time.”
“Was he sick? I thought it was unexpected.”
“It was, Tess, that’s the weird part.”
Another question that I really don’t want the answer to but my brain can’t seem to shut the hell up, “How far along is she?”
“Honestly, I don’t know for sure. I can’t stand looking at the bitch, but the word around town is she’s about four to five months.”
“What?” I sit straight up looking back at Tommie still lying down.
“That’s the word around town and the timing is about right, but then again I can’t stand to hear her name being spoken.”
“She’s barely showing.” Carefully, I twist my body so that I’m facing Tommie again. This time I notice her glow and how content she looks. I want to continue on my rant about Kara and the fact she’s not showing like a typical four or five month pregnant woman. And trust me, I know the average since being typically larger my whole term. I’ve made the habit of asking pregnant woman how far along they are to gauge my belly.
“Topic change, Tommie. I want to know all about you. Are you having any contractions? Birth plans?”
She runs her hand down the side of my cheek and smiles sweetly back at my question.
“Well, I feel really good actually. I guess I’m one of those crazy women who absolutely love being pregnant. It really is the best feeling in the world.” Tommie pauses and covers her mouth while her blush bright red. “I’m going to miss preggo sex with Will. It’s been the absolute best.”
“Oh my God, I had no clue what you were going to say, but it wasn’t that. And quite frankly, I wouldn’t have a clue.”
“Sex is amazing being pregnant, Tess, but of course it’s getting more difficult.”
“You’re a whore.” The spare lavender pillow flies at my face, and we both begin to giggle.
“Have you been following my Instagram, Tessa? I’ve posted lots of pictures there.”
“What do you think?” I cock an eyebrow at her.
“I know you hate social media, but you have to see it all. I took so many pictures to show you one day hoping it would be like you never left and missed any of it.”
“I love you, Tommie, more than you’ll ever know. Thank you for always being my rock. And I can never say sorry enough to you.” I place both my hands on her belly and clear my throat. “You’re the one person I could never live without. It would be tragic to lose anyone, but you’re the one person I can never lose. I’m so sorry I left. I was trying to protect you and Will. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you I was pregnant. I knew you’d just worry.”
Tommie’s hand covers my mouth.
“Stop saying sorry. I love you unconditionally. You’re my sister. My blood. We can have a misunderstanding and not talk for months or even years, but the fact remains you’re my sister.” Tommie leans over placing a kiss to my forehead. “Will, bring me my phone.”
Her yell is jolting and literally makes me tinkle in my pants.
“Damn, Tommie, thank you, but you just startled the hell out of me.”
We both laugh for a long time while continuing to hold each other before Will makes his way into the room with her cell phone. He knows better to ask what, why, or
when. He just simply tosses it on the bed between us.
“Thank you, honey,” Tommie chirps.
“Your food will be ready in fifteen.”
“Oh my God, Tess, look at your belly.” Tommie is perched up on her elbows watching the material of my sundress roll and wave around as my little one kicks. “Tessa, oh my God, I’m going to cry.”
“Quit being dramatic, Tommie. After all, it is a baby, not a bowling ball.” A movement draws my attention from Tommie’s face to her baby bump. “Oh my God, your belly.”
All of our eyes go to Tommie and watch her dark black dress dance around as her baby rolls and kicks. Both of our faces are soaked in happy tears and when we look up we both catch Will wiping something away from his face.
“It was a bug,” he suggests totally busted.
His reply makes us all begin to laugh.
“You two are hard to deal with normal but being knocked up and having you both under a roof may drive me nuts. Thank God you’re about to calf any day, Tom.”
“You know you love it. Get over here and kiss me.” Tommie props herself up even further on her elbows, and I watch as Will makes his way over to her without any question placing a kiss on her lips. “Now go finish my meal. I’m famished.”
“Yeah, you look it.” Will jumps back before Tommie’s wonky punch lands on him.
Their display of affection makes me teary eyed once again, but I hold it all back. The two of them have everything together. It’s simple, but it’s theirs. I want that.
“Okay, look.” Tommie holds up her phone and flips through picture after picture. They vary from Will setting up the crib to them painting the nursery and her maternity pictures. Each one of them are beyond beautiful even the cell phone snapshots. Their professional ones of them together with Tommie’s pregnant belly make me weep. Not because of jealousy, rather I imagine our mom and dad’s face beaming back at those photos. They’ll never have a chance to be Grandparents.
I force myself to push down that emotion as she continues to show me her progress pictures that Will takes every month on the fifteenth day by their closet in their room. The pic is of a flat belly and the words “our bean”. Each picture progresses until her final one of nine months.
“Tommie, thank you. And I mean it. Those are priceless. Just wait until your little peanuts gets to look back on those.” This time I place a kiss on her forehead. “They tell a beautiful story.”
“Oh wait, you have to see the one that the photographer is using on her website for promotional use.” Tommie slides through her Instagram looking for it. “It’s of me almost completely naked with Will holding me. The only reason I’m letting them use it is because you can’t tell it’s Will or myself; our faces are hidden in a very artistic way.”
Tommie rambles on about this picture she’s looking for and see some familiar faces as she scrolls down her feed. Wes and Scarlett are the most common ones with happy faces and lots of selfies of the two kissing. Then I spot Kara.
“Stop,” I holler before I realize it.
“What?” Tommie sends me a sideways glance.
“Go back up to that one with a blonde haired woman.”
“Okay.” I wait as she scrolls up and hope it’s not what I thought I just saw. “This one?”
My heart quits beating when Tommie points it out. It’s Kara alright flashing a big diamond ring to the camera. A man is holding her from the back, but the picture is edited to have a blurry background. I can only decipher a red flannel shirt, brown shaggy hair, and a killer smile. All of Finn’s signature looks. My eyes finally focus in on the caption, “I said YES. #finnandkara #weddingbells #soontobe #mrsevans.”
I don’t get a chance to react as Will busts in the room sweeping Tommie off her feet and escorting her to the kitchen.
“I’m all man, Tess, but I can’t carry you both.” Tommie is cradled in his arms peering over his shoulder with a worried expression covering her entire face.
Slapping on the fakest of all fake smiles, I quickly reply back, “It’s okay, Will, I know you’re a McWeeny. I’ll follow right behind. I’m kind of obsessed with food these days.”
A long time ago in a chilly dorm room, Scarlett used to tell me that I had to fake it until I made it. That life motto has never rang truer than in my situation right this moment. I may never have the amazing pictures and memories of being pregnant like Tommie does, but that doesn’t mean I can give up. Push forward, Tess, just push forward. I chant to myself as I follow Will down the long, narrow hallway to the kitchen.
Tommie hasn’t broken eye contact, and I know she wants to talk. She goes to open her mouth, and I cut her off before she has the chance to speak a single sound.
“So, what did you make us, Chef Boyardee?”
Will rambles on about some chicken pasta with a garlic tomato topping and something about a Caesar salad. I watch as Tommie tries to interrupt her husband to question me about what we just saw. I send her slashing signal across my throat hoping she’ll get the fucking hint. Watching how incredibly happy Will is and the glow of Tommie’s pregnancy, I have to keep all my baggage contained and focus on them. It’s only fair and to be honest I want to be an active part of their pregnancy and the birth of their first child. It’s something that I’d never miss for anything.
“Sounds yummy, Will. Hope you made lots I’ve been known to put away the food lately.” I joke.
Chapter 4
Will wasn’t joking when he was describing his food and for that matter I wasn’t shitting anyone about putting away the food. Tommie picked at hers and I could tell it was from her nerves and worrying about me. However, she tried to convince me that it’s because her stomach is so squished by the baby. I know when that girl is lying, so I fight like hell to keep the conversation light and encourage Will to tell all kinds of stories.
The mood definitely lightens when Will tells the story of him passing out in birthing class. You’d think since he was a doctor and all that he could handle this shit.
“I know I’m a doctor, but when stuffed in a crowded room with several other couples and then the image of a baby coming out of a stranger while holding your wife in your arms was just too much.” Will’s face turns a light hue of green as he recounts the tale. “Then throw in some blood and mucous and the thoughts of your own wife’s vagina going through that trauma, well doctor or not, I don’t see how anyone could handle that.”
Will leaves us girls howling in hysterics, and I’m not sure if it’s from the actual story, his pale green complexion, or the disgust covering his face.
“If you think that’s funny have Mrs. Pukey Pants tell you about the time she barfed in her purse.”
“Shut up, asshole.” Tommie covers her mouth in horror and squeaks out a little gagging noise. “It was horrible. I haven’t eaten a salad since and just passing by it at the grocery store makes me physically ill.”
We all continue to roll in laughter. Tommie goes on telling story after story about events that I’ve missed out on. Some are funny while others are emotional. The happiness I feel for them grows with every story.
“Tess, tell us about where you were. I mean I know you and Tommie talked frequently, but tell us what you’ve been up to.”
His question causes me to squirm uncomfortably in my chair and all the food I just consumed immediately feels like a ton brick in my stomach. Instantly I feel embarrassed to have to share my life with them.
“Um, not much to share.” I begin to fidget with my napkin nervously. “I just worked at a small diner to keep a good cash flow and not use all of my inheritance from Mom and Dad.”
I know this explanation won’t be good enough for Will.
“What doctor did you visit for prenatal care? Do you have plans for you and the baby?” Will doesn’t even take a breath or bat an eyelash between his rapid fire questioning. “Are you going to stay here? Do you know the sex of your baby?”
Tommie sends a throttling punch to Will’s ribs. He expels a loud grun
t of pain, and it’s very clear she wants him to shut up. Hell, I want him to shut too but understand they deserve to know what I’ve been up to the last six months.
“Don’t freak out on me, Will, but with no insurance I’ve only done the bare minimum with my pregnancy.” Will slams both fists on the top of the table. “I take vitamins, had the original appointment with a vaginal ultrasound and have been checked monthly. However, I’ve opted out of extra testing and ultrasounds.”
Tommie surprises me when she stands to her feet. “Are you fucking kidding me, Tessa?”
Tommie’s insulting accusation of me not caring enough for my unborn child sets me off. I’ve tried extremely hard to keep all my emotions in check and focus only her and their baby, but Will brought up this topic.
“Don’t you dare fucking accuse me of anything, Tommie. My doctor isn’t an idiot and I could’ve lied to you.” Pushing back from the dinner table I rise to my feet. “I’m going to bed now.”
Neither of them try to stop me at this point. All three of us are on emotional overload for one day with my appearance back in town and the news of me being six months pregnant. Then Granddaddy’s death added on the pile along with the expected birth of Tommie’s baby, which can happen any day. My nerves and emotions are shot, and I guarantee theirs are too.
I’ve beat myself up enough for not being able to have everything as I carry this baby, but it just wasn’t realistic. Passing on genetic testing, the gender ultrasound, and the latest 4D ultrasound wasn’t a walk in the park. It ate at me every time I had a doctor appointment and would hear other couples’ cooing over all their results and they’re little soon to be boy or girl. It almost made me not want to go the appointments at all. I discussed safety and the bare minimum with my OB/GYN at the first appointment and set my mind to it.