by Amanda Jay
"I'm not really used to being around people, you know. I never had many friends growing up."
"I find that hard to believe. Didn't you say you had a sister? Isn't that like having an immediate friend? I always wished I had a brother or a sister."
"Her name is Rose. She's lovely, everyone thinks so. We were just never that close. Especially after my mother died." Ezra wished Kaelyn would stop. The wounds of his past were finally scabbing over and he didn't see the need to pick at them now.
But then he thought back to Rose, and the space he put between them. He needed, at the time, to distance himself from everything he felt. It was the only way to mute the overwhelming guilt. But he had lost Rose along the way. She was never the same after that day at the river. It was like a part of her died. She went from idolising him to cool indifference in just a tick of the Eyes. Maybe she blamed herself just like Ezra blamed himself. He would never know. Losing her was perhaps what hurt Ezra the most, and well, he couldn't risk losing Kaelyn the same way.
"It was my fault that we weren't close," Ezra started, sitting up in bed himself and running his hands through his hair. "She was this perfect, beautiful little angel, always following me around. But after my mother died and my father started to hate me, I figured the best thing to do would be to put some distance between us. I didn't want to risk him hurting her too. He sent her to live with an aunt of ours when she got a bit older, and I haven't seen much of her since."
"Wait, your father started to hate you?"
That bit had just slipped out.
"No, sorry, I didn't mean that. I mean, I don't think he hated me. I made a few mistakes when I was younger. Terrible mistakes. My mum dying, it was my fault, you see. So I don't think you could blame him, really."
"Ezra, your mother died when you were a child. How was that your fault?"
Ezra was getting frustrated now. She was focusing on the wrong thing.
"It was my fault. I should have been there, but I wasn't. I took Rose down to the creek instead. I could have gotten help if I was there. I could have done something."
Kaelyn didn't say anything. Instead she moved closer to him, wrapping her legs around his waist and laying her head on his shoulder. Unthinking, he wrapped his arms around her as well. It felt good to be held.
"He was so angry with me," he continued softly. "It was like he couldn't bear to look at me. Everything I did, or didn't do, was always wrong. But I understand, you know. If I was him I wouldn't want to look at me either. He used to lock me up in this little closet we had at the back of the house. That was mostly after he had been drinking."
Kaelyn just hugged him tighter.
"I didn't mind though. Not too much. Being in that closet, I mean. I was out of the way there. I liked being out of the way. Being out of the way is what kept me focused. So I worked hard at school, kept my head down, and here I am now. I might not be very good with people, but here I am now."
Kaelyn kissed his cheek and looked up at him. He felt like her eyes saw straight into him and understood, for the first time, that perhaps he didn't have to stay out of the way forever.
"Ezra, I'm so sorry."
"What are you apologising for, silly?" he smiled down at her, stroking her hair. If only he could find some way to make her understand how much she had helped him already. He pulled her down with him and snuggled back into bed. He reckoned he had plenty of time to show her.
TOM
Creeping in through the main entrance had been easy enough. Tom knew when the security made their rounds. Years of repetitive tasks had made them both lazy and predictable, so all Tom, Skii, and Felix had to do was wait until the lone guard at the front made his way around the side of the building, and slip right in.
Tom couldn’t help but grin when he saw Felix’s reaction to the glass dome. Breaking the rules does have its benefits, he thought to himself smugly. But his smugness didn’t last long.
"In here," Skii had whispered urgently as she pushed both boys through a small door. It had taken Tom just a moment for his eyes to adjust to the darkness to realise that he and Felix were in a broom closet. Not the choicest form of cover, but it had to do.
"Not a sound now," Skii said. "I will be back as soon as I can. Try not to get caught."
Skii had insisted that she be the one to steal the key to the main offices from the guard room.
"Absolutely not." The words left Tom’s mouth even before he thought about it.
"No, listen. There are people searching for you, right? Well, searching for Felix, which is pretty much the same thing, and very hard to explain. Why don’t I go in? That way even if I am found, I can just fake being lost or something."
It made sense, somewhat. Were they looking for him at the Wheel? What did they even know for sure? Could they risk it? Tom didn't like it, even though he knew the real reason she wanted to help was to make up for her show of doubt earlier.
"Couldn’t we just pick the lock?" Felix had asked, sensing Tom's discomfort.
"Not these locks, I don’t think." Skii interjected before Tom could agree. "They're pretty tight on security at the offices. We could try to pick it, sure, but it would probably waste a lot of time."
Tom sighed. He didn’t want to risk trying to get the key. They were already taking a risk by breaking into the office in the first place, but he knew Skii was right. It was far worse to waste valuable minutes attempting to pick a lock. In the event of a break in, a smooth in and out that cut down on time was always the best way to go.
That had been about ten minutes ago, and Tom was agitated. He wondered what was taking her so long. He hoped with all his heart that she hadn’t gotten caught. The City Guard was not at all forgiving to the street pests, and he would never forgive himself if he got her into trouble.
He hummed to himself softly, trying to calm his nerves. He didn’t even realise he was humming at all until he noticed Felix giving him a sideway glance.
"What?" he asked.
Felix didn't say anything. He got that funny glazed over look again, like he was trying to remember something.
Tom shook his head. It was the first time he was alone with Felix, and this boy was definitely coming unhinged. He continued humming softly.
"I like that song," Felix finally replied. "Sad though."
"Never really paid attention to the words," Tom mumbled.
"It was one of her favourites." Tom noticed that Felix was looking awkward.
"Whose?" He felt his ears heat up even before Felix answered.
"Our... well, my mother's."
Tom felt really confined in this cupboard. It was starting to feel like there wasn't enough air.
"She was sad. Most of the time, she was very sad." Tom hadn't asked, but Felix kept talking. "I always thought it was me, but now I guess..."
Tom bristled again.
"Look, I really don't care. Let's just focus on meeting Muriel, okay?" There was a lump in his throat. He needed it to go away.
"She was beautiful," Felix continued, ignoring him. He was talking mostly to himself. "Especially when she smiled. It wasn’t often though, except when she sang. People..." Felix hesitated. "People often said I had her smile. And her eyes too. I guess we both do."
Tom couldn’t explain the sudden tightening feeling that gripped him around his chest.
All this time, he went through the motions of unearthing all this new information like he was in a dream. It didn't matter to him, he had kept telling himself, he just wanted to help Felix out so that he can take care of himself and Skii.
But now a sudden heat ripped through his chest.
Felix must have realised it too because he reached for Tom’s shoulder tentatively.
"Tom, I don’t know why they did what they did. Why it was you, not me. But I know she missed you. She would have thought of you every time she looked at me. I know..."
"I don’t care what you know," Tom spat, his resentment sudden and explosive. "All I know is that they abandoned me. What par
ents do that? What did they do, huh? Toss a bloody coin and pick a child to throw away?"
A lifetime’s worth of anger bubbled up. All he could focus on was the pounding sound in his ears. Hot tears pricked in his eyes and this self-betrayal angered him even more. He felt Felix reach for his shoulder again and it became too much to bear.
"Don’t touch me. Don’t you dare touch me," he hissed, turning to face this other him. The other him who stole his place in the world. He didn’t know how long he stood there, glaring at him, when Skii burst into the room.
"Coast is clear," she whispered, dangling a key.
OF DISAPPOINTMENT
Disappointment is dealt with in many different ways. The brave use it as a lesson, letting it guide them in the future so as to never feel its cold grasp again. The less brave lock it away in that special cupboard that sits in the deepest shadows of their thoughts, and spend the rest of their lives trying to lose the key.
Then there are others who indulge in their disappointment. They water it, give it light and air and nourishment, and transfer it from a pot to the earth when it is ready. They spend every day watching it grow. Each leaf adding to their bitterness; each flower paying homage to their failure.
Yes, each has his own way of dealing with disappointment. My deepest fear is that I have allowed mine to grow into a strong, healthy tree. It stands tall in the garden of my mind, a symbol of what could never be. But it wasn’t me who paid the ultimate price for this disappointment. She hung herself from a rope off my tree, and there we both stay-- serving me my constant reminder.
FELIX
Felix watched Tom closely. It was so strange-- to have someone who looked just like you, but was so very, very different. Felix wondered if he would have turned out the same way if it were him instead. But why wasn't it him? A little voice inside his head nagged. Felix had no idea. It wasn’t for love, that much was certain. There was definitely no love lost between him and his father.
But all the same, Felix had a home. He had a home, and he had food to eat every day, and a mother who had loved him the best she could, given the circumstances. Thinking about his mother made him glance at Skii. Watching his brother with her left him emptier than he could imagine. Ever since he learnt of Tom’s existence, Felix had been tormented with the guilt that it was he who was chosen to stay instead of being given away. He knew that Tom resented him for it too-- his outburst earlier only confirmed this.. But Felix knew that Tom didn’t really understand. He didn’t understand that what he had in his tiny, dark attic was more than Felix had ever had in his large, warm house.
Felix knew that Tom wished that it was the other way around-- that it was Felix who might have been abandoned, not him. He hoped he wasn’t being ungrateful, but after watching Tom and Skii together, sometimes, just sometimes, he caught himself wishing it too.
EZRA
Ezra hated being back in his little cupboard of a room on Kettleburn Road. He had all but moved in to Kaelyn's flat, staying there practically every night and most afternoons when he didn't have class. There was, unfortunately, one slight setback to him spending all his time there-- he couldn't get any of his work done.
Years of spending most of his time locked up with his books had left Ezra leagues ahead of the other students in his class. The complex mathematical equations that most of his classmates struggled with were understood, solved, and sometimes even disproven in a matter of hours. Professor Muriel had exclaimed, more than once, how impressed he had been with the quality of Ezra's work. But even the professor couldn't ignore the last two assignments that were handed in late, and the odd mistake that had been cropping up in the simplest of Ezra's homework.
"Anything the matter, Ezra?" the old professor had asked, frowning while handing back his last paper. Muriel had never called Ezra by his name. He took that to be an ominous sign.
A “B-,” Ezra realised, his heart sinking slightly. Not the worst mark, of course, but he knew he could do better.
Ezra mumbled his excuses to Professor Muriel and resolved to work harder.
And so he had started spending a few nights a week back in his room, sitting studiously at his desk, trying not to think about the smell of Kaelyn's hair.
The nights were the worst. He kept tossing and turning in his sleep, reaching for her, trying to wrap his arms around her warm body that wasn't there. The nightmares that had subsided so quietly were now back, more vicious than ever. His father's red face, Rosie's blue lips when she was pulled from the water, the strange, grey sheen to his mother's skin when they took away her body. He had a particularly terrible dream once, where his mother was still alive, but just a-- he struggled to describe it-- shell of person. Her eyes, they reminded him of someone. Or something. But it would always disappear when he tried thinking about it. There were a few nights that he had even given up, called his own bluff, and walked the half hour back to Kaelyn's. She had opened the door unquestioningly, and pulled him into bed fully clothed. Ezra sank into a deep, dream-free sleep in two minutes.
He shifted in his uncomfortable chair, scratching his head. Difficult as it was, being away from her, he had to admit that there was a certain comfort in knowing that he was back at doing what he was really good at. The more he focused, the more his mind stretched and moulded, and the more ideas flowed into him. They were pushing the boundaries of the mathematics that currently existed and Professor Muriel was back to being impressed with his understanding and suggestions. His current suggestion though, that was taking a little more work than planned. He knew it was a little far-fetched, but something told him to keep working at it all the same.
"Knock knock," Ezra was jerked out of his reverie and spun around to see Kaelyn smiling from the doorway.
"Sorry, I know you said you were working today. I won't be long, I promise. I just got off work, and I brought you some pie. I didn't think you'd eaten. You never eat when you're working." She spoke faster than usual, her cheeks tinged pink, embarrassed about the intrusion.
Ezra glowed inwards. He couldn't even start to believe how lucky he had gotten.
It look less than two ticks for him to cross the tiny room and pull her into him.
"Hello. I missed you," he spoke into her hair, as she giggled and tried to push him away.
"You'll squash the pie, silly. Hang on, let me set it down." But Ezra didn't let her go for a few more seconds.
"So this is where the magic happens?" she asked, after he had regretfully unwrapped his arms from around her waist.
Ezra blushed a little. He wished he knew she was dropping by, he hadn't tidied up in weeks. His desk was overflowing with papers, there were stacks of books against the walls, many had toppled over, very reminiscent of Professor Muriel's office. Ezra had even taken to tacking papers covered with his scribbles on the walls, so he can refer them easily when in the middle of his calculations.
But Kaelyn didn't look perturbed, he noted with relief. She peered around curiously, running her fingers over the papers on his desk.
"Wow, Ezra, I had no idea."
He rubbed his head self-consciously.
"Sorry about the mess."
"No, I just, I had no idea what it was you got up to. I talk so much about all I do, and..." she gestured around the room.
"It's all terribly boring, really," Ezra shrugged.
"Try me, though," she insisted. "I really, really want to know. What are you working on so much these days? I should know this. It's keeping you away from me, after all."
Ezra blushed again.
"It's silly, right now. Just a theory, really. I'm trying to work out the math behind it, to see if it even makes sense anywhere outside my own mind, but it's not proving to be particularly easy."
She sat at the edge of his desk and crossed her arms.
"Explain it to me, then."
"Well," he sat down on his chair facing her. "It's something that I always thought about, but with some of the work Professor Muriel has put forward with regards to the theory of
Duplicity, it's started to make sense."
"The theory of Duplicity?"
"Yes, Duplicity. The idea that we actually function on two, or well, duplex levels. It's new. And under-researched, mostly. Most mathematicians hardly pay any attention to it, by the look of it. So far, at least. But Professor Muriel is of the idea that all our actions are interconnected. That one action results in an almost mirrored reaction. That we really aren't as in control of what we do as we like to believe."
"That we are all connected. That could make sense, I suppose. So where does your theory fit into all this?"
"Well, the actual calculations are a little hard to explain at the moment. I like to think of it like this," Ezra dug a copper coin out of his pocket.
"Imagine our world is like this piece of copper. We function on one side, but there's another side to it as well. But when we spin this piece of copper," Ezra leaned forward and spun it on the table. "Notice how both sides look like they are merging together? That's the idea that my theory deals with. That our world is not as separate as we might think. That there is another side to it that we haven't really started to understand."
Kaelyn's brows we bunched together slightly, concentrating on what he said.
"I see," she said after a while. "And you are trying to prove this idea?"
"Well, yes. It's rather slow right now, to be honest, and there are so very many nuances that we have to consider..."
"It sounds really interesting. Almost comforting, actually. That we aren't as alone as we think. I hope you do manage to confirm it."
"You do?" It was the first time Ezra had spoken of his ideas with anyone expect Professor Muriel, and if he was being completely honest, there were plenty of times it felt like he was chasing a dead-end.
Kaelyn smiled. "I mean, since the beginning of time, we have believed that there is something else out there, the Twin Gods, some force, whatever you like to call it, that influences us. Why not this?"