“No, not like that, like this,” Ethan said, moving behind Jack and positioning himself across his body to help show him how to correct his shot. Jack looked more uncomfortable than I’d ever seen him as Ethan gently moved his hand across Jack’s. A wolf whistle sounded from the back of the bar as Ethan held Jack in an extremely compromising position.
“Room for one more in there, darling?” the camp voice said from behind us. We turned to see a guy in skinny jeans and a tight silk shirt staring at us, seductively sipping a blue drink through a straw.
“Oooh, you've gone stiff as a board,” Ethan said to Jack.
“I bloody haven’t,” Jack said pushing himself away from Ethan.
“Look, he has gone all shy,” the man in skinny jeans said, joining Ethan at his side. “Where did you find this lot? They look a bit rough, but definitely ready.”
All of us stood motionless, open-mouthed and speechless. None of us knew what to do.
“Hey guys, I just won a tenner on the fruity,” Ollie announced as he joined us back at the pool table. “Result eh?”
“I'm Dominic,” the friend said, extending his feminine hand for Ollie to shake. “Congratulations.”
“Cheers, mate,” Ollie said, completely oblivious of the situation. “I need an eyelash. Do you know where the bogs are in this place?” Dominic pointed Ollie to the end of the bar and he happily trotted off counting his winnings.
“I think I need the toilet as well,” I stuttered to get the words out.
“Yeah, me too,” Rob said, swallowing hard.
Jack initially froze. He looked at Ethan and Dominic who smiled back toward him. “Perhaps I can help you with that shot?” Dominic said. “Bend over that table and I’ll be right over.”
“Wait for me, guys!” Jack shouted at us, tripping on a bar stool in his panicked state, before hauling himself back up and shuffling past Ethan and Dominic, who were fighting themselves to hold back their laughter.
“Hurry back,” Dominic said, pouting.
The three of us practically fell through the door. Ollie was already standing at the urinal. He looked up at us, had a little shake, and then walked over to the basin to wash his hands. Jack opened the door ajar and peered outside before giving us the thumbs up. “They haven’t followed us,” he said, panting. “What the hell are we going to do?”
“Okay, don’t panic,” I said trying to calm the situation down, while at the same time looking for a window for us to escape through.
“Don't panic?” Jack fired back at me. “We've stumbled into a sausage factory, Dan. I’m telling you, I'm nobody’s Kinder Egg Surprise.”
“What are you talking about?” I asked.
“There is no way Ethan and his boyfriend are going to get my chocolate and have something to play with.”
“Will you stop it, this isn’t going to get us anywhere,” I said trying to reason with Jack.
“That’s easy for you to say. You’re not the one who just got violated out there across a friggin’ pool table.” Jack replied with his eyes locked on me. “This is all your fault.”
“How is it my fault?”
“It was your idea to come in here,” Rob joined in.
“What are you guys talking about?” Ollie asked as he rubbed his hands together under the dryer.
“Oh yeah?” I said ignoring Ollie and turning to Rob. “Well I seem to remember you saying what a nice place it was when we walked in here.”
“Oh brilliant, so you’re both bent as each other,” Jack said with his arms crossed against his chest. “This isn’t The Flintstones – I’m not going to have a gay old time.”
“What’s wrong?” Ollie shouted out, but we ignored him again as we descended into name-calling and accusations.
“None of this would have happened if you hadn’t challenged Elton John out there to a game of pool,” Rob said to Jack.
“Shut up, Rob, I feel dirty enough as it is,” Jack said pulling at his collar. “I bet every time I bent over to play a shot, they were all watching me – wishing they could take their shot.”
“Seriously, will someone please tell me what is going on?” Ollie said again as he walked over to us. He looked confused. He couldn’t understand why his friends were falling apart in front of his very eyes. He had no idea of threat we faced outside these four walls.
“You probably want to stay here,” Jack said to me. “You haven’t had much luck with women lately so maybe you feel like taking one in the bullseye.”
“Will you stop with the homophobic jibes,” I fired back.
“Is that some sort of new music genre?” Ollie said, and for once his voice grabbed our attention. The sheer stupidity of the boy was outstanding. But it was enough to break the tension, and we couldn’t help but laugh at how much we had blown this out of proportion.
“Can someone please tell me what’s going on?” Ollie asked again. “And when are we going to get out of this gay bar and go and find some women?”
We stopped laughing immediately and let his words sink in.
“You knew this was a gay bar?” Jack said having trouble hiding his anger.
“Yeah, it’s obvious,” Ollie said. “This place is full of geezers and they have been playing the Scissor Sisters album non-stop since we got here.”
“Why didn't you say anything?” Rob said turning on Ollie.
“I thought you guys knew. You all seemed to be having a good laugh with that Ethan guy, and he’s really gay, but not as gay as his mate Dominic.”
The red mist was about to descend. “This isn’t going to get us anywhere,” I said before things really got out of hand. We needed a plan so I took the lead. “Follow me.”
My plan was simple. We would pay the bar tab and leave this establishment immediately. Like men. Straight men.
“You’re back?” Dominic said, surprised to see us. “We were about to send the rescue team in to find you.”
I ignored his comment and asked the barman if I could settle up. He wanted nine pounds and 60 pence. I fumbled around in my pocket to find my wallet. I could sense the other boys watching me, and their impatience made me panic. I searched all of my pockets but couldn't find it. Finally I felt something in my jacket pocket and pulled it out.
“Nice scarf,” Ethan said. “I’ve got one just like that at home.”
I looked down at my hands and to my horror found myself holding the rainbow-coloured scarf Dick had given to me as a gift.
“What the fuck is that?” I heard Jack hiss from behind me. It matched the gay pride flag hanging proudly behind the bar. How had we missed that?
I delved deeper into my pocket and felt a bank note, pulled it out and practically threw it at the barman. We turned on our heels and got the hell out of there, as Ollie waved goodbye to Ethan and Dominic.
“Wait, your change. You gave me a £20 note,” I heard the barman shout out after me as the door closed.
*
We walked in silence in no particular direction; our male pride in tatters. What would people say when they heard we had been in a gay bar? How could I ever expect to get my leg-over after this setback? We were a band of friends on the brink. Something that had started out with such promise was now nothing more than a complete farce. Nothing could save this weekend.
Or could it?
From out of nowhere came hope. It might just have been the one thing that could help us rebuild the damage done; to help prove our masculinity beyond a shadow of a doubt.
Girls!
From the depth of despair two real stunners were coming towards us on the opposite side of the road. Both wore short tight skirts displaying their sexy slim legs, with their long black hair swaying in the light breeze, and dark eyes you could lose yourself in.
“Check these two out – they’re absolute!” Jack said with his one finger salute and his eyes virtually popping out of their sockets. “We’ve got to talk to them.”
“I’m bang up for this,” Ollie said like a kid in a candy shop. �
��I’ve never pulled a black girl before. I might even tell them that so they are more inclined to cop off with me!”
“That statement was a little inappropriate, don’t you think?” I said turning to Ollie.
“I know, but it’s not like I haven’t tried pulling black girls in the past. I’ve just never managed to seal the deal.”
“That is not what I meant,” I said sighing, and quickly followed as my three wingmen flew across the road to greet their targets.
“Hey, slow down,” Rob was in there like a flash. “Can we talk for a second?” They smiled but kept on walking. Jack was next to try.
“Don’t be shy, girls, I promise I won’t bite... unless you want me too!” His tone was cheeky enough for him to get away with such a comment, and even made the two girls laugh out loud. But it wasn’t enough to stop them walking on. Ollie was up next.
“Please stop. I’ve never pulled...”
Oh my God, what was he doing? The idiot was actually going to tell them he had never pulled a black girl before. The three of us looked on in horror. I knew immediately I had to stop him putting his foot in his mouth; in all of our mouths. But what could I interject with? What would Ollie confess to never pulling before? A muscle? A sickie? A fast one?
“...his foreskin all the way back?” I spat out.
That’s correct. I said foreskin. Of all the things I could have said Ollie had never pulled before I opted for the retractable, double-layered fold of skin and mucous membrane that covers the glans penis. I could have said that Ollie had never pulled the trigger before, or that he had never pulled before full stop. Hell, saying he had never pulled a black girl before would have been more appropriate and certainly less ridiculous than announcing that he had never pulled his foreskin all the way back before.
“What did you say?” one of the girls asked, as they both stopped dead in their tracks and gave me a look of disgust.
“And you say I’m inappropriate,” Ollie said, raising his eyebrows at me.
I glared at Ollie, before turning back to the girls apologetically. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean...” But what could I say? How could I possibly talk my way out of this? Who uses the word foreskin in their first sentence when trying to pick girls up on the street?
“Sorry about care in the community over there,” Jack said nodding in my direction. The two girls at least managed to avert their glare from me and at least smile in Jack’s direction. “I’m Jack, by the way.” Jack shook their hands and they introduced themselves as Erica and Alisha.
Un-fucking-believable. I was the one who saved the situation and somehow I had been labelled the liability of the group.
“So where are you girls off to tonight?” Rob asked.
“We are heading to party at the Imperial Hotel,” Alisha said.
“No way, that is where we’re staying,” Ollie said. I shot him another look. It was his fault I was now in this situation.
“I’m sorry about the foreskin comment,” I offered meekly, but at the same time realising I had now mentioned the word foreskin in my first and second sentence.
“You really can’t take him anywhere,” Jack said, shooting his thumb in my direction.
“We were just heading back towards our hotel, so why don’t we come and join you at the party?” Rob asked.
“I’m sorry but it’s a private party,” Erica said.
“I’m sure you girls could sneak us in,” Jack said. “Besides, we’re staying at the hotel – that must qualify us for an invite?”
“It’s really not the sort of party I think you would enjoy,” Alisha said.
“What sort of party is it?” Ollie asked.
“A birthday party,” Alisha said. “And we’re already running late for the birthday girl.”
“Why didn’t you say so? Birthday parties are our speciality,” Jack said. The two girls gave him a look. “We’re exotic male dancers. We could come and put a little show on for your friend. She’ll love it!”
“Come on, girls, what do you say?” Rob asked.
Alisha and Erica looked at each other mischievously and started whispering into each other’s ears. They turned back to us. “Okay, you can come,” Erica said.
“But you had better put on a good show,” Alisha added.
I couldn’t help but think that my friends were being a little too eager to agree. Were they mad? Exotic dancers? We were about as exotic as a caravan holiday in Bognor Regis. I had a bad feeling about this.
“What are we doing?” I nudged Rob as we followed the girls back towards the Imperial Hotel. “You know I hate dancing.”
“Relax,” Rob said waving his hand as if everything was under control. “We are just having a bit of banter with them.”
“What’s the problem?” Jack chipped in.
“My problem is that we’re heading to a party where we’re expected to put on some sort of Chippendale dance routine,” I stressed. “We’re going to look more like Alvin and the Chipmunks.”
“I like that film,” Ollie decided to inform us.
“Calm down, dear,” Jack said putting on his best Michael Winner impression. “They know we’re not really exotic dancers, it was just a bit of an ice breaker.”
“Maybe,” I reluctantly agreed. “But they think I’m some sort of weirdo who only talks about Ollie’s turtleneck.”
“I’m not wearing a turtleneck,” Ollie said.
“Danny boy, think about it,” Rob said. “Look at these two girls. They are gorgeous. Hot girls have hot friends.”
“That is not technically true,” I argued. “How many times do you see a really good-looking girl out with her ugly mate?” I had them. The hot girl/ugly girl combo is no secret in the land of bloke. The good-looking girl will hang out with her ugly friend to enhance her looks; to guarantee she is the one who will receive the compliments and get hit on all night. The ugly friend usually ends up getting ignored, so she reverts to becoming a major cock-blocker.
“Okay, maybe there will be a few facially-challenged hood rats in there,” Jack conceded. “But that is why we hang out with Ollie – so he can take care of all the wrong ’uns.”
Ollie looked offended for a second, but then shrugged his shoulders. “Fine by me,” he said quite happily.
“Dan, you are missing the big picture here,” Rob said as we got within 10 yards of the hotel. “Think about it. We are going to a party in our hotel. If you pull a girl, you are minutes from your bedroom. How often can you say that?”
Rob did have a point. Maybe I had been looking at this from the wrong angle. We were heading to a private party where most of the people were going to know each other. For all the single girls in there, our little group was going to be the surprise package. We really were going to be the exotic guests after all.
“Okay boys, here is the plan,” Alisha said standing on the steps of the hotel. “The party is in the main hall on the third floor.”
Erica took over. “We are going to head up now and tell the birthday girl we have a little surprise for her. You boys need to come up in five minutes and then we can really get the party started.”
Rob agreed on our behalf with that winning smile of his. Erica and Alisha giggled some more as they made their way towards the lifts.
“Did you hear that?” Jack said excitedly. “We are going to be the surprise for the birthday girl. These girls are hot for us I tell you!”
“This reminds me of the time I met that girl on the way home from the pub last year,” Ollie told us. “I was walking down Bedford Hill and bumped into this right little sort. We got chatting and one thing led to another, and before you know it we’re back at this hotel for a bit of slap and tickle.”
“Wait a minute,” I said. “You met a girl on the street, took her back to a hotel, and had sex?”
“Yep,” Ollie said proudly, a huge grin on his face.
“You paid her, didn’t you?” Jack asked.
“Yep,” Ollie responded with an even bigger smile on his
face.
“You’re a sick man, Ollie,” Rob said, shaking his head and looking at his watch. “Come on guys, five minutes is up.”
The lift made a ding sound as it arrived on the third floor. We stepped out and saw the sign for the Main Hall pointing to the right. We approached two large wooden doors with a huge “Happy Birthday” banner across the top. This was it. We took a deep breath and pushed the doors open. Confidently we waltzed into the Main Hall. The wooden doors slammed shut behind us making a huge thud. Just like in the movies, there was a loud scratch from the record needle and the music stopped. Over a hundred faces all turned in our direction. It suddenly dawned on us the monumental stitch-up that had been inflicted upon us.
There was a huge dance floor in the middle of the hall, with a massive sign that read Happy 80th Birthday, Grandma Betty. Not only had we gate-crashed an OAP’s birthday celebration, but we had promised to entertain her with exotic dancing. But it got worse.
As the hundreds of eyes starting to burn a hole in us, it soon became very apparent that we stood out like a sore thumb, for we were the only white faces at a clearly all black family celebration. It was like Take That turning up at a Black Panther Party convention. We all pulled apologetic faces like we had accidentally walked into the wrong party and turned to walk out, but guarding the door were two huge mountains of muscle.
“You boys aren’t leaving, are you?” one of the mountain men said to us.
“We got off on the wrong floor,” Jack offered as our excuse.
“But you guys are the exotic dancers aren’t you?” the second muscle man asked.
“We’re not exotic, we’re English,” Ollie blurted out.
I elbowed Ollie in the ribs as both men growled at us. “Please ignore him, sir, he’s an idiot – he thinks exotic is a country.” You could hear a pin drop.
“There has been a mistake,” Rob said. “We have walked into the wrong party.”
“Hey Alisha,” the first muscle man shouted out. We turned to see Alisha and Erica walking towards us. “Are these the dancers you were talking about?”
“Yep, that’s them,” Alisha said. “They told us they wanted to entertain the birthday girl.”
The Drought (The hilarious laugh-out loud comedy about dating disasters!) Page 19