Do we have a Sam Jones in here? Sam Jones to the stage please.
I had never been the best at dealing with other people’s emotions, and sitting here three sheets to the wind did not enhance my social skills to adequately deal with this situation. Her sobs were on the verge of turning into wails. I felt completely helpless.
This is the final call for Sam Jones.
That was it. “I’m Sam Jones!” I shouted, jumping to my feet with my hand raised in the air. Kelly looked up, bewilderment across her face, but at least she had temporarily stopped crying.
“Up you come then,” the DJ said inviting me on to the stage. I got up and saw Kelly give me a look as to ask what in God’s name was I doing? The truth was I really didn’t have a plan. All I wanted to do was to cheer Kelly up.
“Are you sure you’re Sam Jones?” the DJ asked, holding his hand over the mic. My disguise had been rumbled, but I remained calm. Whatever happened I was going to sing. I would cheer Kelly up.
“Yes,” I answered confidently taking the microphone in one hand.
“You’re Samantha Jones?”
Gulp. I turned to the screen and saw the title of the song flash up on the screen. I was filled with apprehension. Sam Jones was a girl. No self-respecting male would ever choose this song, but there was no going back now. I was going to sing. I stared at TV and followed the words on the screen.
A hushed silence fell across the crowd. Not because I was singing the song well – I couldn’t hold a tune if my life depended on it. It was more in amazement that a bloke was singing such a female anthem.
I Will Survive.
It felt like I had a thousand pair of eyes on me, but only one pair of eyes mattered. I started to sing and just like the words to the song, at first I was afraid – I was petrified. Kelly looked shocked, but as I stumbled my way through Gloria Gaynor’s words I saw a smile start to break on her face.
I was half expecting to be booed off the stage, but instead something amazing happened. Kelly raised her hands over her mouth, and tears started to flow again. But this time they were tears of joy. The sight urged me to put everything I had into the song. My effort didn’t go amiss and before you knew it every single person was singing along as only a room full of drunks could.
I grew in confidence, belting out lyrics just like every wronged woman had done at some point in her life. I started to strut a strut that Mick Jagger would have been proud of. I held the mic out to the crowd and touched hands with my new adoring fans. Kelly clapped and laughed, and I could see that twinkle back in her eyes. I waved her towards me and she raced to the stage to join me in a duet. We sang it loud. We sang it proud. We sang it with passion. We sang it completely tone deaf.
But it didn’t matter. It was the perfect end to the evening. At the end of the song we embraced and the cheer inside Murphy’s Bar that night was deafening. Even Gloria Gaynor would have given us a standing ovation.
*
“That was amazing,” Kelly said, linking arms with me as I walked her back to her flat. “I can’t remember the last time I had so much fun. Thank you, Dan.”
“Don’t mention it,” I said. We arrived outside her front door. “Are you going to be okay?”
“You know what,” Kelly pursed her lips. “I think I am. Thank you again for such a great evening.”
She put her arms around me and kissed me on the cheek. At that moment I felt a surge of adrenalin run through me. Kelly was the one girl I never got tongue-tied around. The one girl I always felt comfortable with. She slowly pulled her face away from me and we met each other’s gaze. She smiled, and I knew what I had to do. All the nervousness I had felt with other girls had completely evaporated. I leaned forward and kissed her. And for a split second she kissed me back.
“Dan,” she said startled, pushing me back. “What are you doing?”
“But I thought...”
“You thought what? Here is Kelly on the rebound so why don’t I take advantage?” She was mad.
“No, that’s not what I...”
“What, you thought you hadn’t been able to get anyone into bed for the last seven months so you thought you would try your luck with me?”
“I promise you I...”
“I thought you were better than that,” Kelly said pulling away from me, and stomping up the steps to her flat. “But you are just like all of the rest.”
“Kelly, wait...” The door slammed.
*
The next couple of days were a bit of a blur. I just wanted to see Kelly and tell her how sorry I was. But she called in sick on Tuesday morning, and again on Wednesday. I had tried calling and texting her but got no reply.
I kept playing the moments of that night over and over in my head. Why had I jeopardised such an important friendship? I realised how lucky I was to have a friend like Kelly, and how she had deserved better.
Kelly finally returned to work on the Thursday morning, but Dick had called her in to his office before I’d even had the chance to speak to her. I was so nervous about seeing her that even my palms were sweaty. I had a horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach that I might have inflicted some sort of lasting damage on our friendship. After what seemed like an eternity, Kelly came and sat down at her desk.
“What did Dick say?” I asked. “Is everything okay?”
“He just wanted to make sure I was okay and feeling better,” Kelly said sitting down. “He also asked me what you were wearing today.” I looked around the office and could see Dick peering out of the glass panel on his door. He waved and I quickly looked away like I hadn’t noticed.
“Look Kelly, I’m really sorry about the other night. I don’t know what...”
“Dan, I need to tell you something,” Kelly interrupted.
I guess this was the part where she was going to tell me how disappointed she was with me; that I had let her down. I just hoped she would let me explain. Allow me to somehow make this up to her. It was a terrible mistake and it would never again. If only she would listen to me we could go back to how things were before.
“I have just handed in my notice.”
Chapter 23: Jack Hammered
Friday, September 11, 2009 - 8.11pm
Drought Clock: 253 days, 19 hours, 16 minutes
Four weeks had passed since Kelly had dropped her bombshell that she was leaving. We had started talking again, but something had changed. We no longer had that natural easy back-and-forth chemistry. And I knew it was my fault.
I sat back in my armchair at my flat feeling pretty sorry for myself. Kelly’s resignation had knocked me for six. My head was all over the place.
During the two days she had spent out of the office, she had booked a flight to Thailand with her friend Claire. They were going to start in Southeast Asia and then spend the next 12 months travelling around the world. I should have been happy for her but instead all it did was cement how I really felt for her and it left me feeling empty.
“Snap out of it,” Jack said, handing me a beer. “What’s wrong with you?”
“Are you still thinking about Kelly?” Rob asked.
“No, I’m not thinking about Kelly,” I lied.
“Why don’t you just tell her how you feel? She is leaving soon isn’t she?” Rob said.
“She leaves on Monday,” I said. “But what difference does that make?”
“You could get a goodbye shag,” Ollie said.
“I don’t want a goodbye shag,” I snapped.
“Again, I will ask – what is wrong with you?” Jack said.
“She is leaving and that’s that. There is more chance of me running naked through the streets of London than there is of me getting together with Kelly,” I said, hoping to put an end to the conversation.
“I’m going to hold you to that,” Rob said. “That is as good as a promise in my book.”
“Fine,” I replied unconcerned.
As for my big problem? Well, that didn’t seem so big anymore. So I had gone eight months wit
hout sex. So what? The world hadn’t stopped turning. There were bigger things in my life to worry about other than sex.
“Right, drink up because we need to get this man some action before it falls off.” Unfortunately Jack didn’t share my newfound sentiments.
The plan tonight was to go to a house party on the Ramsgate Estate. Jack considered going to a party where there was a bedroom just up a flight of stairs to be the ideal place to find me a shag buddy. I couldn't care less anymore about getting my leg over, but I had decided to go along just to get my mind off Kelly more than anything else. The Ramsgate Estate was not the nicest of locations in south London, and the prospect of the type of girls I might meet there frightened me more than excited me.
We left the flat and jumped on to a bus. The other lads were all in good spirits and I pretended to join in with the banter. I couldn’t help but think the sooner Kelly left, the better I would feel. Out of sight, out of mind. She had a leaving do planned for tomorrow night, but I had already said my goodbyes in the office. I had seen the disappointment in her eyes when I told her I was unable to make drinks, but I felt it was for the best. There was no point dragging these things out.
The bus pulled up outside the Ramsgate Estate and we jumped off. “Okay, this is it, boys,” Jack said. “Now this place can get a little bit naughty, if you know what I mean? So make sure you keep your wits about you.”
“Are you talking about the girls at the party?” Ollie said wide-eyed.
“No, you idiot. I’m talking about the gangs of kids roaming around waiting to rob the first big gormless freak they lay their eyes on.”
“Come on,” Rob said. “Let’s not hang around here.”
We marched through the estate. Jack guided us around to the right, past some wino sprawled out on a park bench. We spotted a bunch of hoodies standing around by a fence in the distance and opted for a route around the back. It was after about 15 minutes when it finally dawned on us.
“You haven’t got a clue where we’re going have you?” I said to Jack.
“I know it’s around here somewhere,” Jack said, hands on his hips.
“This is stupid,” Rob said frustrated. “I thought you knew where this place was.”
“I do,” Jack said. “It’s over there somewhere,” he said pointing in a south-westerly direction. We all looked blankly at him.
“That’s him!” We heard a girl’s voice shout from the distance. We all turned to see the girl Jack had met at Paul’s birthday party.
“What a stroke of luck,” Jack said to us before turning back towards the girl with a cheeky grin. “How’s it going, Candice?”
“That’s the one who gave me chlamydia,” Candice announced to the group of hoodies who were now slowly starting to advance on us.
“Did she say chlamydia?” Jack said.
“Jack, what the fuck have you done?” Rob asked.
“Run!” I screamed.
We took off at a 100 miles per hour. Fear can make a man do amazing things. I had always thought we would clean up at the Olympics if we had a pack of wild dogs in hot pursuit of our track athletes.
The hoodies were hot on our tails as we zoomed through the park. We leapt over a set of metal railings, but Ollie got his foot caught and went down before I dragged him to his feet screaming “Get up!” like in one of those clichéd scenes from a horror film. We bolted across the forecourts of one of the high-rise towers and took a sharp left.
“This way,” Jack shouted and we followed him to the right down a short road.
“This is a dead end,” Rob hissed.
We quickly turned, but it was too late. The group of hoodies stood not 20 feet away. My pulse was racing. We were trapped. They gathered in numbers as though they had picked up other gang members along the way. There must have been 25 of them at least, of all different shapes and sizes. I'm sure one of them looked no more than eight-years-old. What a way to go, beaten to death by a minor.
We were in the deepest of deep shite. There was no way we were coming out of this unscathed. There have been very few moments in life when I was genuinely scared. Being attacked by Sophie was one of them, running from Dave would be another, but this topped them all. We were in a bad part of town and we were well out of our depth.
“You got a lot of nerve showing up round here, blood,” one of the hoodies said in that strange accent many inner city kids seemed to have developed. “You think youse can show your face round here after what you did to my little sister.”
“Great,” I whispered to Jack. “You had to go and infect the little sister of the Blazin’ Squad over here. If we ever get out of this alive, I’m going to kill you.”
“I’m talking to you!” the hoodie shouted. “I’m gonna cut you blood, you get me?”
This was it. My mouth was dry and I felt sick to the pit of my stomach. Too often I’d picked up the local newspaper to read of yet another senseless knife or gun attack in London. I gulped and prayed that once the dust had settled we would at least be able to walk away in one piece. But something inside me knew that wasn't going to happen. The stories and rumours about this estate were infamous. The look in their eyes told us that we were dealing with a class of people with no morals. True, we were hardly in a position to talk about morality seeing as one member of our gang had given a member of their gang chlamydia, but surely that didn't warrant a death sentence.
Then something happened that I will never forget.
“Okay mate,” Ollie said stepping out. We all looked at him in disbelief. “This is the situation. I know that you boys are going to do some serious damage to us, and probably put us in the hospital.”
“That’s right, blood,” the hoodie said much to the delight of his fellow cronies.
“But you,” Ollie said in his big booming voice pointing at the one hoodie who had been making all the noise. “I promise that you will be in the hospital bed right next to me. Let’s do this.”
You could have cut the tension with a knife. My only hope was that no one actually had a knife to test that theory out. The hoodie looked at his friends and then back at Ollie. He paused. “Why me, blood?” he asked nervously.
“Because you are the one with the big mouth,” Ollie said without even flinching. “Now come on, let’s get this over with.”
The hoodie stared at us. I stepped up alongside Ollie, closely followed by Jack and Rob. Every muscle in my body felt like jelly and it took a superhuman effort not to empty my bowels right there and then.
After what seemed a lifetime, but was probably only ten seconds, the stand-off finally came to end. “You boys are soft,” the hoodie said. “You ain’t even worth my time.” And with that the hoodie slowly stepped back before walking off altogether. One by one his friends followed until we were left standing alone in the alley.
“Oh... my... fucking... God!” Jack shouted, grabbing Ollie by the ears and planting a big kiss of his lips. “I love you! I would have your babies right now.”
“Get off,” Ollie shrugged Jack off and wiped his mouth. “You'll end up giving me chlamydia too.”
“Let’s get the hell out of here before they change their minds,” Rob said, and we took off into the night and didn’t once look back.
*
Saturday was a complete wash-out. Rob was working, Jack was at the clinic getting tested for chlamydia, and Ollie was playing rugby.
The most exciting thing I had to look forward to today was shaving my pubic hair. I had once again decided against my better judgement to listen to Jack’s advice. He had insisted that girls liked it when men “shaved their bits.” He also promised me it made your penis look much bigger.
Boredom had got the better of me, and now here I was standing in front of the mirror, using a pair of clippers to give myself a short back and sides. I had to admit that it didn’t look too bad. But as I moved in to apply the finishing touches my phone buzzed into life, completely taking me by surprise and causing me to shave a huge bald patch across one half
of my pubic region.
“Arrggh,” was the only noise I could manage to express my horror looking down at my... skin head.
“Hello,” I said abruptly.
“Danny boy, it’s Rob. Everything okay?”
“Yeah,” I said brushing the hair away from my groin. “What’s up?”
“I’ve been thinking and I wouldn’t be a mate if I didn’t say this.”
“Go on,” I said.
“If you don’t go tonight then you are an even bigger idiot than you look,” Rob said not pulling any punches. “It is clear you really like this Kelly and if you don’t go tonight, you will regret it.”
“I don’t need this,” I said.
“But Dan...”
“I’ll talk to you later,” and I clicked off the phone.
I was angry. I was more than angry, I was furious, but not with Rob, with myself. I knew he was right, but I was just being stubborn.
For the next five hours I could do nothing but stare at the clock. It was almost as if I was counting down the hours until Kelly was leaving. It was 9.47pm. I tried to clear my mind of everything that was spinning around in my head. I kept thinking of what my mum would say to me if she knew how I had treated Kelly. And out of nowhere it came to me.
Don’t spend a lifetime looking for someone you have already found.
It was something my mum had said to me. At the time I had completely dismissed it. But now it made sense. And I knew what I had to do.
*
I made it down to The Crown in Balham in record time. I stood outside the door, catching my breath and trying to gather my thoughts. I had no idea what I was going to say. I just knew that when the time came, the right words would come too.
I took a deep breath and made my way in. The bar was absolutely rammed, just as you would expect it to be on a Saturday night. Pushing my way through the crowds I got about halfway and then I saw her. She looked beautiful. Her curly hair bounced against her shoulders as she laughed. As usual she wore very little make-up; she didn’t need to. Her skin was flawless and her eyes twinkled. I felt a lump in my throat. I knew instantly I had made the right choice. Here goes nothing I thought as I started to navigate my way towards her.
The Drought (The hilarious laugh-out loud comedy about dating disasters!) Page 25