“It isn’t.”
“Do not worry, my sweet.” I clutched her and kissed her a bit more. “But your own little Slippery Jim will save the galaxy.”
“Again. That’s nice.”
“I was ordered to come here,” a familiar voice said.” Just to see you kissing and hugging? Don’t you know there is a war on? I’m a busy man.”
“Not as busy as you are going to be soon, Professor Coypu.”
“What do you mean?” He shouted angrily and clashed his protruding molars in my direction.
“I mean you are about to make the weapon that will save us all and your name will ring down through the history books forever. Coypu, Galaxy Savior.”
“You’re mad.”
“Don’t you think you’re the first one to ever say that. All geniuses are called mad. Or worse. I read a report highly secret that you now believe in parallel universes…”
“Silence, you fool! No one was to know. Specially you!”
“An accident, really. A safe just happened to fall open when I was passing and the report dropped out. Is it true?”
“True, true,” he muttered tapping his fingernails on his teeth unhappily. “I had the clue from your escapade with the time helix when you were trapped in a loop of time in a bit of past history that did not exist.”
“It existed for me.”
“Of course. Just what I said. Therefore, if one possible different past could exist, then an infinity of different pasts—and presents must exist. That’s logical.”
“It certainly is,” I cheered. “So you experimented.”
“I did. I have gained access to parallel universes, made observations and notes. But how does this save the galaxy?”
“One more question first, if you please. Is it possible to pass through into these other universes?”
“Of course. How else could I have made my observations? I sent a small machine through to make readings, take photographs.”
“How big a machine can you send through?”
“It depends on the power of the field.”
“Fine. Then that is the answer.”
“It may be an answer to you, Slippery Jim,” Angelina said with some puzzlement, “but it doesn’t make much sense to me.”
“Ahh, but just think, lover mine, what can be done with a machine like that. You mount it on a battleship with plenty of power. The battleship joins our space fleet and the fighting begins with the enemy. Our forces flee, the battleship limps behind, the enemy rushes up, the field is turned on—”
“And every one of those awful creepy-crawlies and all of their guns and things zip right through into another universe and the menace is over forever!”
“I was thinking of something roughly like that,” I said modestly, polishing my fingernails on my chest. “Can we do it, Coypu?”
“It is possible, possible…”
“Then let us get to your lab and look at the gadget and see if the possible can be turned into the tangible.”
Coypu’s newest invention did not look like very much at all. Just a lot of boxes, wires and assorted gadgetry spread all over the room. But he was proud of it.
“Still in rough shape, as you can see,” he said. “Breadboarded components. I call it my parallelilizer…”
“I would hate to say that three times fast.”
“Don’t joke, diGriz! This invention will change the fate of the known universe and at least one unknown one.”
“Don’t be so touchy,” I said soothingly. “Your genius will not go unmarked, Prof. Now, would you be so kind as to demonstrate how your parallelilizer works.”
Coypu sniffed and muttered to himself while he made adjustments on the machine, threw switches and tapped dials. The usual thing. While he was busy I was busy too giving Angelina a quick hug and she hugged right back. The professor, wrapped up in his work, never noticed that we were wrapped up in ours. He lectured away while we snogged.
“Precision, that is the important thing. The various parallel universes are separated only by the probability factor which is very thin as you can well imagine. To pick just one probability out of all the countless possible ones is the trickiest part of the operation. Of course the probabilities that vary the least from ours are the closest, while completely changed probability universes are the most distant and require the most power. So for this demonstration I will take the nearest one and open the portal to it, so!”
A last switch was thrown and the lights dimmed as the machine sucked in all the available power. On all sides machines hummed and sparkled and the sharp smell of ozone filled the air. I let go of Angelina and looked around carefully.
“You know, Professor,” I said. “As far as I can see absolutely nothing has happened.”
“You are a cretin! Look, there, through the field generator.”
I looked at the big metal frame that was wrapped with copper wire and glowing warmly. I could still see nothing and I told Coypu so. He screeched in anger and tied to pull out some of his hair, failing in this since he was almost bald.
“Look through the field and you see the parallel universe on the other side.”
“All I can see is the lab.”
“Moron. That is not this laboratory, but the one on the other world. It exists there just as it does here.”
“Wonderful,” I said, smiling, not wanting to offend the old boy. Though I really thought he was crackers. “You mean if I wanted to I could just step through the screen and be in the other world?”
“Possibly. But you might also be dead. So far I have not attempted to pass living matter through the screen.”
“Isn’t it time you tried?” Angelina asked, clutching my arm. “Only with some living matter other than my husband.”
Still muttering, Coypu exited and returned with a white mouse. Then he put the mouse in a clamp, fixed the clamp to a rod, then slowly pushed the mouse through the screen. Absolutely nothing appeared to happen other than that the wriggling mouse managed to squirm out of the clamp and drop to the floor. It scuttled aside and vanished.
“Where did it go?“ I asked, blinking rapidly.
“It is in the parallel world, as I explained.”
“The poor thing looked frightened,” Angelina said. “But it didn’t appear to be hurt in any way.”
“Tests will have to be made,” Coypu said. “More mice, microscopic examinations of tissue, spectroscopic determination of factors…”
“Normally yes, Prof,” I said. “But this is war and we just don’t have the time. There is one real time saver that will enable us to find out right now—”
“No!” Angelina called out, being faster on the uptake than the professor. But she said it too late. Because even as she called out I was stepping through the screen.
Eighteen
The only sensation I felt was sort of a mild tingle, though even this might have just been a product of my fevered imagination since I was expecting to feel something. I looked around and everything looked very much the same to me—though of course all of the parallelilizer equipment was missing.
“Jim diGriz, you come back at once or I’ll come after you,” Angeline said.
“In just a moment. This is a momentous instant in the history of science and I want to experience it fully.”
It was disconcerting to look back through the screen and find that the view of the other lab—as well as Angelina and the professor—vanished when I walked off to one side. From the front the field itself was invisible, though when I walked around behind it it was clearly visible as a black surface apparently floating in space. Out of the corner of my eye I saw something move; the mouse scuttling behind a cabinet. I hoped that he liked it here. Before returning I felt I had to mark the important moment some way. So I took out my stylus and wrote SLIPPERY JIM WAS HERE on the wall. Let them make of that what they will. At that moment the door started to open and I instantly nipped back through the screen. I had no desire to meet whoever was coming in. It might even be a parallel-world d
uplicate of me, which would be disconcerting.
“Very interesting,” I said. Angelina hugged me and Coypu turned off his machine. “How big can you make the screen?” I asked.
“There is no physical or theoretical limit on its size since it doesn’t exist. Now I am using metal coils to contain the field, but they are dispensable in theory. Once I am able to project the field without material containment it will be big enough to send the entire alien fleet through.”
“My thought exactly, Professor. So, back to your drawing board and get cracking. Meanwhile I’ll break the news to our masters.”
Calling together all of the chiefs of staff was not easy since they were deeply involved in running the war, if not in winning it. In the end I had to work through Inskipp who used the powers of the Special Corps to call the meeting. Since they were using this base as headquarters for defense they found it hard to ignore the call of their landlord. I was waiting when they arrived, crisp and shining in a new uniform, a number of real medals, and a few fakes, pinned to my chest. They grumbled to each other, lit large cigars and scowled in my direction. As soon as they were all seated I rapped for attention.
“Gentlemen, at the present time we are losing the war.”
“We didn’t have to come here to have you tell us that,” Inskipp snarled. “What’s up, diGriz?”
“I brought you here to tell you that the end of the war is now in sight. We win.”
That caught their notice, all right. Every grizzled head was now leaning in my direction, every yellowed or drooping eye fixed upon me.
“This will be accomplished through the use of a new device called the parallelilizer. With its aid the enemy fleet will fly into a parallel universe and we will never see them again.”
“What is this madman talking about?” an admiral grumbled.
“I am talking about a concept so novel that even my imaginative mind has difficulty grasping it, and I expect that your fossilized ones can’t understand it at all. But try.” A deep growl ran through the room with that, but at least I had their attention now. “The theory goes like this. We can time travel to the past, but we cannot change the past. Since we obviously make changes by going into the past, those changes are already part of the past of the present we are living in.” A number of eyes turned glassy at this but I pressed on. “However if major changes are made in the past we end up with a different past for a different present. One we don’t know about since we are not living in it, but one that is real for the people who do exist there. These alternate time lines, or parallel universes, were inaccessible until the invention of the parallelilizer by our Corps genius, Professor Coypu. This device enables us to step into other parallel universes, or to fly in or get there in a number of interesting ways. The most interesting will be the generation of a screen big enough for the entire alien fleet to fly through so they will never bother us again. Any questions?”
There certainly were, and after a half an hour of detailed explanations I think I had convinced them all that something nasty was going to happen to the aliens and the war would be over, and they certainly approved of that. There were smiles and nods, and even a few muffled cheers. When Inskipp spoke it was obvious that he spoke for them all.
“We can do it! End this terrible war! Send the enemy fleet into another universe!”
“That is perfectly correct,” I said.
“IT IS FORBIDDEN,” a deep voice, a disembodied voice, said. Speaking apparently from the empty air over the table.
It was very impressive and at least one officer clutched at his chest, whether for his heart or some religious tract was not clear. But Inskipp, con man himself, was not conned.
“Who said that? Which one of you is the joker with the ventriloquial projector?”
There were loud cries of innocence and much looking under the furniture. All of which stopped when the voice spoke again.
“It is forbidden because it is immoral. We have spoken.”
“Who have spoken?” Inskipp shouted.
“We are the Morality Corps.”
This time the voice came from the open doorway, not out of the air, and it took an instant to realize this. One by one the heads snapped around and every eye was fixed on the man when he came in. And very impressive he was too. Tall, with long white hair and beard, wearing a floor-length white robe. But it was hard to impress Inskipp.
“You are under arrest,” he said. “Call the guards to take him away. I’ve never even heard of the Morality Corps.”
“Of course not,” the man answered in deep tones. “We are too secret for that.”
“You, secret,” Inskipp sneered. “My Special Corps is so secret that most people think it is just a rumor.”
“I know. That’s not too secret. My Morality Corps is so secret there aren’t even any rumors of its existence.”
Inskipp was turning red and beginning to swell up. I stepped in quickly before he exploded. “That all sounds very interesting, but we will need a little proof, won’t we?”
“Of course,” he fixed me with a steely gaze. “What is your most secret code?”
“I should tell you?”
“Of course not. I’ll tell you. It is the Vasarnap Cipher, is it not?”
“It might be,” I equivocated.
“It is,” he answered sternly. “Go then to the Top Secret computer terminal there and give it this message in that cipher. The message is ‘Reveal all about the Morality corps’. ”
“I’ll do that,” Inskipp said. “The agent diGriz is not cleared for the Vasarnap Cipher.” That’s how much he knew. But all the eyes were upon him as he went to the computer terminal and rattled the keys. Then he took a cipher wheel from his pocket, plugged it into the terminal, and typed in the message. The speaker scratched and the monotone voice of the computer droned out.
“Who makes this request?”
“I, Inskipp, head of the Special Corps.”
“Then I will reveal that the Morality Corps is the top priority secret force in the League. Its orders must be obeyed. The orders will be issued by the Morality Corps top executive. At the present time the top executive is Jay Hovah.”
“I am Jay Hovah,” the newcomer said. “Therefore I repeat. It is forbidden to send the alien invaders into a parallel world.”
“Why?” I asked. “You don’t mind our blowing them up, do you?”
He fixed his stern gaze upon me. “To battle in self-defense is not immoral. This is the defense of one’s home and loved ones.”
“Well if you don’t mind our blowing them up—what is the complaint about slipping them into another world line? That won’t hurt them half as much.”
“It won’t hurt them at all. But you will be sending ravening aliens in a giant battle fleet into a parallel universe where they did not exist before. You will be responsible for their killing all the humans in that universe. That is immoral. A way must be found to eliminate the enemy without making others suffer.”
“You can’t stop us,” one of the admirals shouted in anger.
“I can and I will,” Jay Hovah said “It says in the Constitution of the League of United Planets that no immoral acts will be indulged in by member planets or by forces operating under the orders of member planets. You will find that a clause is included in the original agreement signed by all planetary representatives that a Morality Corps will be founded to determine what is moral. We are the top authority. We say no. Find yourself another plan.”
While Jay was talking all the little wheels in my head were spinning busily. They stopped finally and the winning numbers came up.
“Stop this bickering,” I said, then had to repeat myself, shouting, before I was heard. “I have come up with the alternative plan.” This quieted them down and even Jay stopped pontificating for a bit to listen. “The Morality Corps protests that it would be an immoral act to shoot all the nasties into a parallel universe where they can work their will upon the human beings there. Is that your argument, Jay?”
“Put rather crudely, but in essence, yes.”
“Then you wouldn’t protest at all if we pushed the enemy into a parallel universe where there were no human beings?”
He opened and shut his mouth a few times at that one, then scowled fiercely. I smiled and lit a cigar. The admirals buzzed, mostly with bafflement since they weren’t too bright or they wouldn’t have enlisted in the peacetime navy.
“I would like a second opinion,” Jay Hovah finally said.
“By all means, but make it fast.”
He glared at me, but pulled out a gold pendant that hung about his neck and whispered into it. Then listened. And nodded.
“It would not be immoral to send the aliens into a universe where there were no human beings. I have spoken.”
“What is happening?” a bewildered admiral asked.
“It’s very simple,” I told him. “There are millions, billions, probably an infinite number of parallel galaxies. Among this number there must surely be one where homo sapiens never existed. There might even be a galaxy populated only by aliens where our enemies would be made welcome.”
“You have just volunteered to find the right one,” Inskipp ordered. “Get moving, diGriz, and find us the best place to send that battle fleet.”
“He shall not go alone,” Jay Hovah announced. “We have been watching this agent for a long time since he is the most immoral man in the Special Corps.”
“Very flattering,” I said.
“Therefore we do not take his word for anything. When he looks for the correct parallel galaxy one of our agents will accompany him.”
“That’s just fine,” I told him. “But please don’t forget that there is a war on and I don’t want one of your leaden-footed, psalm-singing moralists hanging around my neck.” Jay was whispering instructions into his communicator. “This is a military operation and I move fast…”
I shut up when she walked in the door. From Jay’s outfit, if the long robe meant anything, but it was filled quite differently from his. Some very interesting curves revealed rather than concealed. Honey-blonde hair, rose lips, shining eyes. A very attractive package in every way.
The Stainless Steel Rat Wants You ssr-4 Page 14