by Kris Nacole
“For what?” He bent down to kiss me on the neck.
“For everything. Being so great with the kids, not hating me, giving us another chance…for just being you.” I ran my fingers through his hair and laced my fingers behind his neck.
His eyes narrowed, and he shook his head. “Chesney, I could never hate you. I love you. And things are different now. You’ve given me a family,” Zane said, brushing my hair out of my face and gently bending down to kiss me.
“Now, for your present. Wait here.” He ran outside to grab something from the porch. “Close your eyes.”
I squeezed them shut and tried not to jump up and down with excitement.
“Okay, open them.”
When I opened my eyes, I stood there with a lump in my throat. Tears threatened as I studied the painting in front of me. It was of a large mason jar with lightnin’ bugs inside and flying around outside. On the jar, in the center, was a sunflower. “Your Firefly, Always,” was written in the most beautiful handwriting on the tag hanging around the jar’s top.
“Zane,” I said breathlessly, bringing my hands to my chest. “I love it. I don’t even know what to say. It’s beautiful.”
He grinned, looking proud of himself. “I had someone custom paint it for you. I wanted you to have something you can look at while I’m gone and know I’m thinking about you,” he said, kissing a tear as it ran down my cheek.
“I’m gonna miss you so much.” I hugged his waist and lay my head on his chest.
“I’m going to miss you, too,” he replied, kissing the top of my head and wrapping his arms around me. He sighed. “I really hate to do this, but it’s time to go now. I can’t miss my flight.”
I wanted to frown, as sadness started to take over, but I smiled at him and tried to stay strong. “Okay, I know—the quicker you get on that plane, the quicker you’ll get back to me,” I said, kissing his soft, full lips that never failed to light me up like the fireflies in the painting. I was going to miss kissing him.
The hour drive to the airport was hard. Zane held my hand the entire way, and we talked about what we wanted to happen once he got back. Since finding out about Dylan, Zane’s decision to not re-enlist had been solidified. He would be moving to North Carolina to be with me and the kids and work with his dad. We had a lot we still needed to talk about, but for the time being, we both agreed to take it one day at a time and see what happens.
At the airport, I put the car in park, and we both sat there in silence for a moment. I knew it was time to say goodbye—I just didn’t want to.
When we couldn’t wait any longer, we both got out of the car. He grabbed his bags out of the trunk and set them on the sidewalk.
Standing there, I stared at him, drinking in how gorgeous he looked in his uniform. My nerves were starting to get the best of me. I tried taking calming, deep breaths, but my legs were trembling as if the ground was going to disappear from under me at any minute—causing me to fall into the darkness of the unknown.
My stomach flipped as I tried to find my voice.
“I sure am gonna miss you,” I said, wanting to feel his arms around me one last time.
The letter—I’d almost forgotten about the letter. I reached into the car and grabbed the piece of paper out of my purse and handed it to him. “Before I forget, this is for you. You can’t read it until you’re on the plane, though.”
He smiled at me, but his eyes were sad. “Okay, promise.” He pulled me against his chest and rested his chin on top of my head. “I’m gonna miss the hell out of you, Chesney,” he said, sliding both hands down my shoulders and arms. “I love you so much, Firefly.” He kissed me, and then gently pressed his lips against my forehead.
Firefly—his Firefly.
“I love you, too.” I paused and searched his eyes frantically. “How do you know this is going to work?” I tried to shove down the doubt that was rising in my mind.
Gently caressing my cheek, his eyes locked on mine, and he whispered, “I know this is going to work, Chesney, because when I look at you, I see my whole world. This isn’t goodbye; it’s see you later,” he whispered, planting one last kiss on my lips.
Standing there watching him walk through the glass doors was heart wrenching. I didn’t want him to go, but I knew he had to.
He turned around to look at me over his shoulder and gave me a wink and a smile before he disappeared through security and into the crowd.
I wiped the tears from my eyes, took a deep breath, and pulled myself together the best I could.
With a desolate sigh, I turned back to my car to see my trunk still open.
Oh no, what if he forgot something!
When I looked in, I saw one of Zane’s folded t-shirts with a letter resting on top. I picked them both up, closed the trunk, and got back into the car to read the letter.
Chesney,
Finding out I have a son has been the best part of my life. Thank you for raising such an amazing little man. He has your smile that can light up a room. Alayna has your glistening brown eyes and soft, brown hair. She’s beautiful like her mother.
I know things haven’t always been the best between us, but I can promise you I’m going to fight to make this work. You’ve changed me, Chesney, in ways I never imagined possible. You’re my whole world, my Firefly, and I can’t wait to get back and be a family. This isn’t going to be easy, but it’s going to be worth it. Hang in there and be patient with me. This is the first time I’ve had something to fight to come home to.
You’re my sunflower on the darkest days. I love you to the moon and back.
-Zane
My hands trembled after reading the letter. I pulled his shirt to my face and drew in a sharp breath of his delectable scent—clean soap and cologne—and sobbed.
It’s only a few months. I can handle a few months.
Pulling myself together, I grabbed my phone and sent him a quick text.
Me: Miss you already. Thank you for the shirt and letter. Much needed.
Zane: Glad you found them. I miss you, too.
Starting the car, I looked back over my shoulder at the airport doors, one last time before putting the car in drive and pulling onto the road ahead. It was going to be a long, painful drive back home.
IT WAS THE SAME SPIEL—buckle your seat belt, emergency exits are there and there, power down your electronic devices, apply your oxygen mask first if needed and then help your neighbor. I’d been on so many flights, I could give the speech myself. I was ready to hurry up and get back to finish my deployment. Flying commercial always sucked. I’d much rather be on a military flight where I wouldn’t stick out like a sore thumb.
The letter—I’d forgotten about the letter Chesney had given to me. Reaching into my backpack, I pulled it out and could smell her vanilla perfume on the page. Inhaling deeply, I imagined smelling her hair as she wrapped her arms around my waist in our last embrace.
The rest of this deployment is going to suck.
Unfolding the page, I’d decided to go ahead and read the letter.
Zane, you’re on your way back to Afghanistan, and I miss you already. Thank you for taking a chance and coming back to fight for us. There’s no telling where I’d be right now if you hadn’t. I’m counting down the days until you’re back home, so we can work on our family. When things get tough over there, just think about me and the kids and how much we adore and love you. You’ve always told me I was your sunflower helping you through your darkest days. So when you feel you can’t go on, know I’m here for you. Please stay safe.
Xoxo Love, Chesney, Your Firefly, Always
I tucked the letter back into my bag with a smile. In the front pocket of my backpack was the rock Dylan had given me the day I’d first met him. I pulled it out and squeezed it tightly in my hand; then, I leaned my head back on the headrest and drifted off to sleep.
The plane landed with a jolt, and I was ready to get back into the swing of things. Familiar sights, sounds, and smells accosted me as
the door opened, and I stepped out, three flights later. The heat from the sun quickly warmed my face and the humidity worked quickly to make sure my skin was soaked and sticky with sweat. The smell of nearby fire pits made my stomach roil. The constant rumble of heavy diesel engines was almost deafening.
I miss the fresh mountain air already.
“Thomas! It’s about time, man. Shit’s been crazy here the past few days,” Jones shouted, running up to me. “Sergeant Gunner is putting you in charge of our shift, now. He’s taking over one of the other shifts because some of our men came back wounded from our last mission.”
I frowned at him. “I thought you went home to see Aribella for a couple of weeks on R&R?”
He threw his hands in the air. “I did. I got back two days ago and was thrown into this mess,” he said.
Yep, it’s good to be back…
***
A deep voice boomed from the front of our tent. “Okay everyone, listen up! You have exactly one hour to get settled, and then I want your asses at work,” Sergeant Gunner yelled, his lip curled like a dog getting ready to attack. “Don’t be late!”
Jones jerked back the black sheet I’d hung for privacy. “Dude! You heard him. Let’s go get some food, so we can eat before we go in. I’m starving.”
“Dude!” I said, mocking him. “I worked hard to get this thing up here. If you make it fall, I’ll kick your ass.” I walked through the split in the sheet and closed it behind me.
He grinned and pointed to his big head. “And mess up this pretty face? I don’t think so.”
I shook my head. “Come on, let’s go.” I grabbed my gun and backpack and headed to the chow hall. As soon as we stepped out of the tent, I checked to see what color threat we were under for arming our weapons.
AMBER
Which meant we had to have a magazine loaded, chamber clear, and weapon on safe.
Okay, good to go.
Jones and I walked into the chow hall to get some food before they closed. His face twisted in disgust. “Battered sausage? What the hell is that?” He looked at me and pointed to some concoction on the food line.
“Well, Jones, you take a sausage, dip it in something unknown, and deep fry it so you can’t taste what you’re really eating,” I responded, grabbing an apple and getting in front of him to continue down the line.
His brows furrowed. “Seriously? Is that a thing?” He took a few steps and then pointed to something else. “Disgusting. Look at this. Bean Soup? That’s nasty. Who comes up with this stuff?” He sighed. “Why is it so hard to get a cheeseburger or some pizza up in here?” He frowned.
I shook my head and continued to the cooler to grab a bottle of water.
“Every. Single. Time. We deploy, you act surprised by the food. It’s the same shit every time, man. When are you going to learn?” I laughed at him, taking a bite out of my crisp, green apple, the juices dripping down my chin. “Nothing should surprise you, anymore. Now, hurry up and decide what you want, so we can get to work.”
Once Jones and I downed our food, we headed for work to find out what our mission was going to be. So far, it had been different each time we’d deployed there, so we never knew what we were getting into until we were already in it.
Sergeant Gunner stood to address the group. “Alright listen up, Sergeant Thomas is back from R&R. I’m putting him in charge for a while. Whatever he says goes until I get back, understood?” He scanned the crowd of Airmen sitting before him.
“Yes, sir,” echoed through the air as everyone stood up and made their way over to the other side of the tent to pick up their mobility bags.
“You ready for this, Sergeant Thomas?” he asked, slapping me on my back and squeezing my shoulder.
I nodded. “Yes sir, whatever you need,” I said as he turned to walk out of the room.
I took a breath and then addressed everyone before they left, “Okay, listen up. The Captain here is going to stay behind and brief me on what’s been going on, so I can get up to speed on the mission. I’ve been told we have a week until we head out. Make sure you get some food, make phone calls, send emails, and rest up. It’s gonna be a long week of training for this mission. We have to make sure we’re all on the same page and ready to go.”
“Yes, sir,” echoed throughout the office in unison as they all scattered in different directions.
The next week, we’d spent our days doing drills and went over the details and route information for our mission. Eat, sleep, exercise, and work—that was pretty much it for us. We’d get the occasional care package, letters, or emails from family and friends back home, but we didn’t have time to respond to any of them. We were in a time crunch, and as bad as we missed our family back home, we had to stay focused. Our lives depended on following the rules and remaining diligent.
I stood amongst my team after many hours of preparing and took a deep breath before speaking. “Tomorrow’s the day we head out. Make sure you focus only on the mission, no distractions, leave everything else behind and be back here at oh-four-thirty, ready to fall out. Dismissed,” I finished, closing the map in front of me. I headed back to my tent to get some rest. With the details of this mission set, I wasn’t sure how long it would be before I would be able to rest again.
Jones was already in his cot gazing up at a photo he was holding of his wife and daughter. I knew I had to tell him the news.
I stared at him for a moment. “Hey man, I need to tell you something,” I said warily.
He kissed the photo and tucked it under his pillow then turned over on his side and looked at me. “Yeah, what’s up?”
“I have a seven-year-old son,” I blurted.
He laughed until he saw my face and knew I wasn’t joking. “You’re serious.”
I pulled a photo of Dylan out of my backpack and held it up for him to see. “Yes, I’m serious.”
He shot up abruptly. “Shit, he looks just like you,” he muttered in disbelief. “But how?”
I explained everything that had happened as he sat there with his mouth agape, taking it all in. I knew how he felt because I’d felt the same way when I’d found out—total shock.
Once the shock wore off, he lay back down. “Hey man, we’ve got this. Same as always.” He sounded like he was trying to convince himself of something. Deployments were different when you had something to fight for back home. I knew that now.
I could tell all the deployments were weighing him down. Things were different for us now. We had families to worry about. They take a beating just like we do when we’re gone. Deployments tear a lot of families apart. It changes a person. It was a scary thing, really.
“Damn right we do,” I said back to him, trying to reassure him somehow. “Just another day in paradise. It’ll be over before you know it.”
I pulled out my phone and flipped through the pictures I’d taken of Chesney, Dylan, and Alayna. This was my reason for fighting.
After a night of practically no sleep, I forced my eyes open and got out of bed. I yawned and stretched, trying to wake myself up. Jones was still snoring in his cot, sound asleep. “Hey, Jones, get up, man. It’s time to head out,” I whispered.
He groaned and pulled his pillow over his head. I kicked the side of his cot, making him jump. “Okay, I’m up, I’m up.” He popped out of bed and groggily moved around to get dressed.
We both grabbed our gear and made our way to the office. Our armored vehicles pulled up, and we all split up into smaller groups.
I gave my speech about staying focused, reminding them this was real life, not training. No one knew what would happen once outside the gate. We had to be prepared for anything.
I looked to Jones. “You think you can handle the front or does your team want to bring up the rear?”
“We’ve got the front, no problem,” he replied, grabbing his gear and throwing it in the desert-tan armored vehicle.
“Alright, let’s roll out,” I called over the radio as everyone got into their trucks and pul
led away.
We’d been gone almost a week. Everyone was tired and ready to wrap up the mission, but not one person ever complained the entire time. We all knew what we had to do, so we did it and pressed forward. With things winding down, we were about ten miles from base when Jones radioed me.
“Sergeant, something doesn’t feel right up here. There’s a truck out about half a mile up in front of us by the village. It’s in the middle of the road with its lights on, and no one around,” he said with hesitation. “This place looks deserted.”
“Ten-four, proceed with caution. Pull back if you see or hear anything out of the ordinary as we approach.”
Just as I finished my sentence, I saw a flash of light, and a percussion wave engulfed me as it cut through the air. Jones’ Humvee looked like a toy as it crashed to the ground. It landed with a thud. It was a mangled mess.
My eyes widened, and I couldn’t breathe.
Jooones! Fuck!
My ears were ringing from the blast. I shook my head, disoriented. I tried to focus. I looked around to assess the situation. “We need an assist up here!” I yelled through the radio to the rest of our team.
I knew it was a long shot, but I pressed the button on the radio and spoke the words anyway, “Jones, you okay? Answer me, dammit. Anybody up there copy?”
Silence.
Bile rose in the back of my throat, and my stomach sank as I watched the flames in front of me. I saw shadows as two people stumbled through the smoke. One of the medics ran to them and started to triage right away.
Where’s Jones…
Just then, I spotted whom I thought was Jones crawling out from under the wreckage. It was hard to tell if it was him, and not for the lack of visibility.
I turned to the gunner sitting behind me. “Cover me.” My hand shook as I pulled the radio up to my mouth once again. “I need another medic up here,” I ordered as I grabbed my weapon and opened the heavy metal door.