by Kris Nacole
“Zane?” I padded over to the side of the bed. “How’re you feeling?”
“Like I’ve been hit by a bus,” he groaned, rubbing the sleep out of his eyes and slowly sitting up. “Thank you,” he said, grabbing my hands.
“For what?” I asked, reaching up to gently stroke his hair.
“For not leaving, even when I told you to. You have no idea how badly I needed you last night. You saved my life, Chesney.” He gave me the first genuine smile I’d seen since he’d been home.
I brought his hand to my chest and placed it over my heart. “I told you, I’m not going anywhere. My heart beats for you, and I need you as much as I need air to breathe. I’ll always be by your side, through the good and the bad.”
He nodded and his face was serious. “I need help, Chesney. Last night made me realize that I truly need help. I never want to get to that point, ever again.”
My heart soared with his confession.
Yes! We’re getting somewhere.
Feeling much more confident than I had last night, I patted his hand. “You just watch, Zane Thomas. I’m going to love you so hard that all your broken pieces are going to stick right back together, tighter than ever. We’re going to get through this together, as long as you’ll trust me and be open to getting help along the way. We have to both be on the same page in order to make this work.”
He nodded again. “I’ll do whatever it takes to push forward. I want to live,” he insisted, grabbing my arms and pulling me toward him.
He hugged me against his chest and tears escaped my eyes. I sat up, and he wiped my tears away with his thumbs. Looking up at me he said, “I’m tired of making you cry. You deserve better and so do the kids. I’m going to do whatever it takes, I promise,” he finished, standing up and quickly realizing he was naked.
“I’m naked,” he said, stating the obvious.
I chuckled despite myself. There was a glint of playful Zane. “Just be glad I didn’t put you to bed in your soaking wet underwear. It was hard enough getting you out of them and into the bed. I wasn’t about to dress you, too.”
He gave a slightly ashamed laugh and headed into the bathroom to take a shower. I fell back into the chair and thought about what we needed to do next.
In the days after Zane’s breakdown, we went to our first therapy sessions. He and I worked separately and together with mental health professionals to address the effects of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. With their help, Zane began to feel more hopeful. Things had improved between us because I began to understand how to better deal with PTSD.
We had to learn how to handle things that triggered setbacks. I also had to be very careful because he was startled easily. I found that out the day we were bringing home groceries from the commissary to get us through the move back to North Carolina. I accidentally slammed the garage door, and he startled so hard I thought he would jump through the roof. In the commissary, it was apparent that he had anxiety because he’d bolted for the truck before I was halfway finished. We’d avoided crowds as much as possible. He had to push through because out-processing began after a few short days.
There was still a lot to work on, but we kept at it together. We both knew we’d conquer it. It would just take time and patience.
There were boxes everywhere, as the movers packed and prepared everything in the house to ship it all stateside. I walked into the master bedroom and stood in the doorway. That room held a lot of history. I ambled over to the bathroom and took one more look into the shower I’d loved so much. I remembered a few weeks ago when I’d found Zane sitting on the floor so broken inside. So many good and bad memories were made in this house. I wouldn’t take any of it back, though, because every single thing that had happened to us was a stepping stone to help us grow. Everything that had happened was for a reason. Maybe we both needed to hit rock bottom before we could pull each other up from the darkness.
“All done, Miss,” one of the movers said from the doorway.
I glanced at him over my shoulder and gave him a smile. “Okay, thank you. I’ll be out in a minute.”
I turned and looked at the now-empty room and bare walls and said a silent goodbye to our past. I looked forward to starting over and making new memories.
I joined Zane in the front yard as we watched the moving truck pull away with his belongings. We both turned and stared at the house that held so many memories for us both. It was bittersweet leaving this place. Although, I was ready to get back home to my kids and continue therapy with Zane to make our relationship stronger.
He’d changed so much over the past few weeks, and I knew he’d get even better as time went on. He was smiling more, which was nice. The nightmares hadn’t completely stopped, but he wasn’t having them every night. They’d only happen maybe once or twice a week, so that was a good start. He was trying so hard to not let this consume him.
“Well, you ready to go?” Zane asked with his arm around my shoulder.
“Ready as I’ll ever be. Let’s do this,” I said as I looked up into his hopeful, bright eyes.
Since Zane had a new truck waiting for him in North Carolina, he sold the other one, and we had a rental car to take to the airport.
With one more glance, we got into the car and drove away. Zane grabbed my hand in his and brought it to his lips giving it a gentle kiss. I smiled and looked out the window as we drove thinking about my kids and how much I couldn’t wait to get back to North Carolina.
Home Sweet Home.
IT WAS GREAT BEING BACK home and starting to get into somewhat of a routine again with the kids. As soon as we’d gotten back to North Carolina, we bought a log home with a beautiful view of the Blue Ridge Mountains. The inside of the house was all custom as if it were made for us. There was even a walk-in shower built similar to Zane’s stone shower in England. Sunflowers and fireflies decorated most of the house.
Outside, there was a wraparound porch and six rocking chairs that lined the front. Beautiful windows and chandeliers accented the home in the most welcoming way. The huge yard in the back was perfect for raising children, and the kids had a large wooden play structure Zane had built with his bare hands. There was even a little creek for the kids to play in.
All of us moving in together had been an adjustment, that was for sure, but we were getting there.
As the weeks passed, things were hectic. Zane had started working with his dad, and he had to settle into his job. I was busy unpacking and decorating. The kids began sports and dance, so every day of the week was packed full of something going on.
Zane’s PTSD was still present, but nothing like before. We both continued to do therapy once a week and his nightmares were almost completely gone. He was only having one or two a month, and they weren’t nearly as violent. We could finally sleep in the same room without being scared he was going to hurt me. It was inspiring watching him and seeing the progress he had made as each month passed. Things were finally starting to come together, and we were almost back to our normal.
“Help! Help me!” Jones cried out, blood spewing from his lips as he pleaded for me to help him.
“I’m trying! I’m trying to help you!” I yelled back as he fell to his knees by my feet, looking up at me with dark eyes full of pain.
God knows, I’m trying to help.
Kneeling down, I took Jones in my arms and watched as every blink of his lashes grew heavier.
“I know. It’s okay. I love you, brother,” was all he said as he drifted off into the forever darkness.
He knows. He knows I tried. So hard. There was nothing I could do…
“Zane? Zane? It’s okay, I’m here. Come back to me, babe. It’s just a dream. Wake up,” I heard faintly, bringing me out of my dream.
“Chesney?” I blinked.
There, by the bed, stood Chesney. She looked like an angel. She was coaching me through my nightmare and letting me know she was there without touching me to wake me. I appreciated her so much more for the dedication she�
��d put in to help me get through this.
“You’re okay, babe, you were having another nightmare. That’s only one in the past month, so we’re making progress,” she said, sitting on the edge of the mattress.
I sighed in relief. “You know, I think I’m gonna be okay. One of the main reasons I’ve struggled so much with Jones’ death is because I had so much guilt. I felt responsible. Now, I realize that he knew I tried to help him. He knew I did everything in my power to keep him alive, and I don’t think he would want me to torture myself like this anymore.”
After I let the words out, a sudden sense of relief flooded over me. This dream hadn’t been like all the others. Jones had actually spoken to me and told me he knew I tried to save him. It was almost as if he was giving me permission to move on and stop beating myself up over his death.
I’d never forget about Jones, and I’d always miss him, but this was a fresh start—a new beginning for me.
I looked up into the unknown and took a deep breath. “Thanks, man. Until we meet again.”
A New Beginning
WE WERE FINALLY FULLY SETTLED into our new home and simply enjoying life together as a family. I’d really enjoyed getting to know Dylan and Alayna more and rekindling my relationship with Chesney over the past few months.
I was sitting on the floor playing Legos with Dylan, and the thought hit me hard. I knew exactly what I needed and wanted to do to show Chesney I was thankful to have her back in my life, and that I was taking our relationship seriously. She was it for me.
I was the type of man who had always been in control and able to turn my emotions on and off like a light switch. My hard exterior always helped, too. But the loss of control over my own body and mind was a scary thing, and Chesney had been there every single step of the way, even when she had every right to leave. She’d promised that she would fight for us, and nothing had changed there.
For the first time in my life, I had to accept that I’d lost my way and open myself up in a way I’d never done before, in order to find my way back. Chesney was one hell of a woman. She was my strength, my inspiration for going on, my entire world. As hard as it was to admit, I knew the only reason I was here was because of her. She was the one who’d stopped me from making the biggest mistake of my life. Because she loved me, I was whole again.
We’re going back to England where it all began.
Zane and I walked hand in hand down the roads of London. I wasn’t sure why he’d insisted on coming back so soon, but I enjoyed the fact that he was as excited as a kid on Christmas. The city lights shone brightly through the darkened skies as the sun set behind us.
There was busy traffic, horns honking, and the sounds of bagpipes being played. People were laughing and enjoying the sights all around us. Cameras clicked nearby. It was hard to believe Zane and I were back in the place where we’d first fallen in love.
“Come on!” he said excitedly. “I have a surprise for you.”
“Okay,” I laughed as he dragged me down the sidewalk toward the London Eye. I blushed and my cheeks warmed as I thought about what had happened the first time we’d ridden the Eye together.
Walking up to the woman operating the ride, he whispered something into her ear. Watching the interaction, I just knew she was going to think he was a crazy person and probably even slap him. Surprisingly, she smiled, and I wondered why the ride wasn’t moving as we approached the capsule. Usually, the ride didn’t stop; normally, it was entered while moving.
“What did you say to her?” I asked Zane as he returned to my side.
He put his hand on the small of my back and ushered me toward the capsule. “Nothing really, just asked her to let me take you for a quick ride.” His full lips tipped up into a smile, making my heart skip a beat.
“There’s nothing quick about you, Mr. Thomas,” I said with a giggle.
“Damn right!” He smirked. “And don’t you ever forget it.” He slapped me hard on my ass, making me squeal.
When the attendant opened the door, my breath caught. There were rose petals scattered across the floor, red and black tulle draped around the enclosure, and a large vase full of sunflowers sitting on a small table in the center. The tulle had strings of clear lights wrapped inside, which made it look like fireflies surrounding us. I’d never seen anything like it.
We made our way into the capsule, and it was the most intoxicating feeling of déjà vu. Once inside, the attendant closed the door, and we made our ascent. Zane wrapped his arms around my waist, and as I stared into his eyes, I knew in my heart I was exactly where I needed to be.
This. Here. Right now.
My eyes widened as I looked around, amazed at what he’d done. I pulled away from him and delicately touched the decorations. “What’s all this?” I leaned down to smell the flowers, their crisp floral scent filling my nose. “It’s so beautiful.”
“It’s for you,” he said with so much emotion in his eyes.
“For me?” I asked, tearing up.
“Of course, for you,” he replied, looking nervous and fidgety.
Once the ride reached the top, it stopped, and everything went dark except for the twinkling lights around us. The entire ride’s ethereal blue glow was no more.
“What’s going on?” I asked nervously.
I was wondering if I should freak out when Zane finally broke the silence.
He blew out a shaky breath and grabbed my hands. “Chesney, it’s no secret that our relationship has had a lot of ups and downs. When I first met you, I had no idea how much of an impact you’d have on my life. I’d worked so hard to build a wall around my heart, and it took only a matter of weeks for you to break through that wall.”
He swallowed and took another breath. “I love everything about you—your smile, the way you light up a room just by walking into it, the way you look when you’re concentrating super hard and think no one’s watching you, the way your smile reaches your eyes every time you smile at me, the way you make me feel when you touch me, and the way you look when you’re nervous and bite your bottom lip,” he paused and added, “Like you’re doing right now.” He let go of one of my hands and wiped away my tears with his thumb.
A small watery laugh bubbled out of me, and he continued, “When I look into your eyes, I see the reflection of the two of us and the future I know we can build together.” At that, the emotion caught in his throat, and he looked at me with such adoration I thought my heart would burst.
I stood there in silence, letting everything he was saying sink in. I smiled as I knew he was speaking from his heart.
I wiped the tears from my eyes and covered my trembling chin as he went on, “You deserve someone who will stand by you without limits, someone to support you and believe in you, someone who will let you grow without putting up borders, and someone who will love you without end.” He really started to get choked up when he said, “Nothing would make me happier than to be that someone.”
He reached into his pocket. A moment later, he pulled out a small black box and dropped down on one knee in front of me. It took me a second to realize what was going on, and I almost lost my balance. My heart pounded against my chest and my hands were shaky.
Is this a dream?
He cleared his throat and opened the small velvet box.
My breath caught, and I brought both hands up to my mouth.
He continued, “I can’t imagine a life without you in it. This is only the beginning for us.” He took one deep breath, and then, “Chesney Ward, will you marry me?”
I looked at the sparkling diamond under the twinkling lights. It was the most breathtaking white-gold engagement ring I’d ever seen.
I shook my head yes because it took a moment before I could find my voice, and when I did, it still came out weak through the tears. “Yes,” I breathed.
With a breath of relief, he slid the ring onto my finger. Then he stood up with the biggest smile on his face, pulled me into his arms, and gave me the most passionate
kiss. Every emotion he was feeling was wrapped up in that one kiss. Passion. Love. Happiness. Desire. Relief. This man had not only changed my life, but he would change my last name for the last time.
Standing there, looking into my future husband’s eyes, I was overjoyed.
He pulled me close and sighed into my hair. “I love you, soon-to-be Mrs. Thomas.”
“I love you, too,” I whispered as we held each other.
He leaned back to look into my eyes and then grabbed a sunflower off the table. Handing it to me he said, “You’ve always been my sunflower, the light that brought me back from the darkness.”
“I guess you were worth it,” I said, a slow smile spreading across my lips.
“Woman, sometimes you drive me insane,” he replied before crushing his lips to mine and mending our hearts once again through the most earth-shattering kiss.
The lights came back on, and the ride continued its descent to the bottom. I’d been so caught up in the moment that I’d briefly forgotten where we were.
As we were standing there, I took one last look around at what Zane had done for me and looked down over the city below. “I don’t even know what to say.”
“You said it all when you said yes.” He grinned. “You don’t have to say anything else.”
Three Months Later
After our whirlwind engagement and vacation in London, we’d decided on a simple wedding on our own property. Everything was beautiful. We would see the sun set behind the mountains to help set the mood. It was the perfect place.
Coffee warmed my hand through the cup as I walked out onto the back porch and listened to the gentle lullaby of the nearby creek.
I am getting married today to the man of my dreams. My soulmate.
I’d come so far in the past nine years. Coming from an abusive relationship to marrying a man who cared more about work than his own family, going through a divorce, reconnecting with the one man who moved me in ways no other had ever done, and in less than twelve hours, I was going to be his wife.