by Tracey Smith
I popped in a DVD and we both settled down on the couch. About 30 minutes into the movie Destiny scooted a little closer to me and rested her head against my shoulder. All of a sudden I was aware of every little move she made. Normally this wouldn’t be a big deal but now I was wondering what it meant.
She had admired my muscles by the pool. Did she think I was cute? Did she see me that way? Was she feeling the same way about me that I was starting to feel about her? How was I feeling about her? I didn’t pay any attention to the rest of the movie I just fumbled around with all the new questions in my head.
Just a little before the movie ended I realized Destiny had fallen asleep. Her head was still rested against my shoulder and I was able to carefully slide my arm around her shoulders without waking her up. It felt great to cuddle with her like this but not in the familiar way of childhood friends, it felt good for different reasons this time.
That’s how my dad found us when he got home from work that night. Destiny was still sleeping, and my arm was still around her. I had managed to reach the TV remote with my free hand and was flipping through the channels when he walked through the door.
“Well what’s going on here?” he asked a little too loudly.
Destiny woke up and looked around the room confused for a minute then she sat up stretching and yawning.
“Wow, I guess I fell asleep.” She said. “What time is it?”
“Almost time for dinner.” Mom said walking into the room. She must have heard my dad too.
“Claire can we talk for a minute?” My dad said motioning to the other room. My parents left the room and Destiny turned to face me.
“Sorry I fell asleep.” She said “I guess I missed the last half of the movie.”
“You didn’t miss much.” I told her “Besides after winning all those races today I’m sure you were tired.”
“I know you let me win Tyler.” She frowned at me.
“What do you mean?” I asked feigning innocence.
She just rolled her eyes.
“I’ll be right back.” I told her and headed for the bathroom. But as I passed my parent’s bedroom I could hear them talking.
“She’s good for him Charlie, I haven’t seen him smile this much in years!” my mom was saying.
“It won’t be good for him when she breaks his heart!” my dad said.
“What are you talking about? They’re just friends.”
“You didn’t see them on the couch!”
“Stop it!” My mother insisted. “Tyler is still just a boy, Destiny is too old for him. They both know that.”
I stopped listening and went to the bathroom. Did Destiny think I was just a boy? Why did that seem to matter so much all of a sudden?
Chapter 5: First Kiss
I was so excited when I found out I’d earned a seat in the orchestra. This was the first step towards my ultimate goal. I was going to be a professional concert violinist. This was the perfect start. Everything was falling into place.
I also had another reason to be excited about this summer. Ever since I’d seen Tyler a month earlier I had been haunted by how sad he’d seemed. Earning a spot in the orchestra also meant that I’d be spending the summer in LA. I’d be spending the summer with Tyler and I had a plan. I was going to make him happy again. I was going to show him that it was ok to be happy, even in LA. Yes, I had a plan… and it backfired.
It was easier than I had anticipated getting Tyler out of the apartment, he was eager to go along with whatever I suggested. We swam in the pool, walked around his neighborhood, and even went to the mall. He didn’t argue, complain or resist. If I wanted to do something he was game. I was trying to show him how much there was to do. That he didn’t have to sit around in his room all the time. I was sure that he had just locked himself in his room to spite his parents at first and then maybe he just forgot how to have fun. I was going to remind him.
Of course I had violin practice three days a week, but he even helped me with that. He was my eager audience back at the apartment and even when I completely messed up a new piece he swore that it sounded perfect. He never missed a weekend performance and it was comforting to have him there in the front row every weekend. He was my good luck charm.
We were practically inseparable all summer. The only time we were apart was when I was on campus practicing. Their apartment was walking distance to the UCLA campus. Tyler would walk me to practice every day and he would always be waiting to walk me home when I was done. Sometimes I wondered if he just waited around for me all day, but I didn’t ask.
I insisted on cooking dinner every night. I figured it was the least I could do to repay their hospitality. Aunt Claire tried to refuse at first, but eventually she gave in. She said I was as hard headed as my mother and almost as good a cook. I definitely took both comparisons as a compliment.
No matter how much I insisted Tyler wouldn’t let me sleep on the couch and I felt terrible about it. He was so tall I knew he had to be uncomfortable scrunched up on the couch every night, but he didn’t complain. I actually hadn’t heard him complain about anything since I’d arrived. He seemed happy enough to me and I began to wonder if the conversation I’d overheard between Aunt Claire and my mom had just been an example of Aunt Claire’s overprotective worried nature. But then I remembered how Tyler had looked at my recital in San Diego, he has seemed so withdrawn. Maybe it was my presence here that was making him so happy now. Regardless of the reason I was glad to see it.
He seemed much more like my childhood friend now, even if he didn’t look like it. I still couldn’t believe how much Tyler had grown in the few years since I’d seen him last. He was actually taller than me, when he wasn’t slouching.
Tyler wasn’t much of a morning person so I spent my mornings off with Aunt Claire while he slept in. She was a kindergarten teacher and so she was out for summer break too. It was nice getting to spend time with her again. I was only 14 when they moved away from San Diego, so my memories of her were those of a child looking up to an adult. I was really enjoying getting to know her on a deeper level. We would eat breakfast together and most mornings we played cards. She would tell me stories about what my parents had been like when they were younger, and I could tell she really missed my mom. She seemed almost as lonely as Tyler at times, she just hid it better. It didn’t seem to me that the move from San Diego had been very good for any of them.
I didn’t get to see much of Uncle Charlie because he worked all the time. I could tell that was hard on Tyler. When they had lived in San Diego I remembered Uncle Charlie always playing with us when we were little kids. Rolling around on the ground, rough housing and giving us piggy back rides. He and Tyler had been very close. Now it seemed they hardly spoke. It made me sad to see how distant they had all become. Back in San Diego I remembered them being a very happy close family. Now they each lived in their own little bubble. It just didn’t seem right. Their family seemed broken, and I wished I knew how to fix it.
All in all it was still one of the best summers of my life. I loved playing in the symphony orchestra. Performing was what I had been born for.
The summer came to an end all too quickly. Tyler was my best friend again. I felt so comfortable with him, except when I would catch him looking at me in that way that made my stomach flip flop. I wasn’t sure why I felt that way around him sometimes.
He had changed a lot in the last few years and there was something strong in his eyes, something I hadn’t seen as children. Sometimes when he looked at me his dark eyes seemed so penetrating that it made me nervous. I couldn’t really explain or understand why. Tyler had never made me nervous before. Even still I loved spending time with him and I was sad to know that I would be going home soon and might not see him again for a while.
“Next year I’ll have my driver’s license.” He told me as we sat by the pool. “I’ll drive down to San Diego to see you.”
“Do you think your mom will let you?” I asked.
I
already had my driver’s license but I knew there was no way my mom would ever let me drive all the way to L.A. by myself.
“She can deal with it.” He said sulking.
He had started sulking again this last week. I knew it was because I was leaving soon. I felt so sad to leave, not just because I was worried about leaving him but also because I was really going to miss him. I kicked my feet in the pool as I dangled them over the edge and watched how the rippling water reflected the moonlight.
“I’m going to miss you.” I said softly still looking down at the moonlit water.
“You too.” He whispered and reached over to take my hand.
It was not unusual for us to hold hands. We had done it as children and had done it many times this summer, but this time it made my heart beat faster. I could feel butterflies in my stomach and was suddenly nervous. Slowly I turned my head to face him. He was already looking at me so our faces were only inches apart.
He was staring at me with that deep penetrating gaze that took my breath away. I studied his face; his dark eyes, defined cheekbones, strong jaw. He really didn’t look like a kid anymore. Especially this close, especially at night. I could feel my heart racing. This was all so strange, so new.
Tyler leaned in slowly, still looking into my eyes. I was mesmerized. Part of me knew what was about to happen but I was powerless to move, and not sure if I wanted to. I felt his lips press against mine softly. I closed my eyes. His lips were full and soft and warm. My heartbeat was pounding in my ears. He pressed his lips harder against mine and I felt him reach around and place his hand on the back of my neck. His hand was hot against my skin. I leaned my head back as he cradled it in his hand. My head was spinning. I was overwhelmed. I couldn’t believe this was happening. This was my first kiss. Then suddenly a voice in my head screamed at me: You’re kissing Tyler!
I pulled away abruptly. I wasn’t sure what I was doing. Why was I kissing Tyler? How could Tyler be my first kiss? I stared down at the pool as I tried to sort through what had just happened. Slowly I turned to face him and my heart broke when I saw the pain on his face. He looked so rejected, so sad, so much like a child now.
“Tyler, I can’t… you’re just a kid.”
It was mean, I knew it was, but I didn’t know what else to say. What else to think. I stood up and walked away from him leaving him at the edge of the pool.
“I’m 15.” I heard him say behind me as I practically ran away.
I went straight to my room, his room. More than ever before I was very aware that this was his room, and more than ever before I felt like I was intruding.
I didn’t know why I ran away from him. I didn’t know why I’d kissed him. I didn’t know anything. I was so confused. I had never thought of Tyler as anything other than a friend, a kid I’d grown up with. But down there at the pool he felt like something more and that scared me, confused me. Maybe it was because I was so isolated from my life back home. I’d spent the whole summer here with him. My perspective was off. I had to admit he had grown into a handsome boy. But he was still a boy, I reminded myself. Almost two whole years younger than me. He was 15, I was 17. What was I thinking?
I stayed locked in the bedroom all night. There were only a few days left until my last performance, until I would be going back home. I wasn’t sure how I was going to face him in the morning. Would it be awkward? How could it not be? I couldn’t sleep all night, worried about how I would face him again.
Fortunately, or maybe unfortunately, I didn’t have to. He was already gone when I woke the next morning. I wasn’t sure how I felt about that, relieved and disappointed at the same time. I wondered where he could have gone. He hadn’t gone anywhere without me all summer, but I didn’t ask.
Wherever he went he stayed there all day. I heard him come home late that night, but he didn’t come knock on my door and I didn’t go out to see him. The next day was the same and so on. I knew he was avoiding me. I knew I had hurt him with what I said, but I didn’t know how to fix it.
Finally the day came for my final performance. To my surprise Tyler was gone that day too. I thought surely he’d be there to see me off. That he just needed a few days to get over the embarrassment of the other night. But I didn’t see him that morning as I got ready.
My parents and brother had come up and so had Aunt Amy, Uncle Dan and the girls. Everyone had come for the final performance and so the small apartment was crowded and overflowing with excitement. I tried not to focus on my disappointment at Tyler’s continued absence.
I heard my mom ask Aunt Claire about Tyler but couldn’t hear the answer over the hum of everyone else talking. I did however hear my Uncle Charlie say: “I told you this would happen.” And I wondered what that meant.
Backstage before the performance my nerves were working in high gear. My palms were sweating, my pulse racing. Strangely it reminded me of how I felt after Tyler kissed me. I quickly tried to push that memory out of my mind and focus on the piece I was about to play. I took my seat and looked out into the audience.
There in the front row were my Mom, Dad and Chance, Aunt Amy, Uncle Dan and the girls, Aunt Claire and even Uncle Charlie who hadn’t been to any of my other performances, but Tyler wasn’t there. I scanned the front row again, sure that I had just missed him.
He had to be there, he was my good luck charm! He had helped me practice this piece all summer. He wouldn’t miss my last performance, he just wouldn’t! I looked again, but still no Tyler. I felt panicked suddenly. How could he not come? Had I hurt him that badly?
My heart sunk as I finally accepted that he would not be here. I wanted to cry, but then the music started and it was time to perform. I closed my eyes and allowed the music to take over.
Chapter 6: Bad Choices
I stole one stupid car and they shipped me off to military school. I wasn’t even the one to technically steal it. I had just gone along for the ride. But they weren’t interested in technicalities.
My dad couldn’t have me jeopardizing his career, especially not now that he was being considered for the promotion to head coach. Like I gave a damn.
Ever since we’d moved to L.A. his job was all he’d cared about. He should have just come by himself and left me and Mom back in San Diego with people who actually cared about us.
Mom tried to stand up for me. I heard them arguing about it the night Dad had to bail me out.
“Charlie, he just got mixed up with the wrong crowd.” my mom had said.
“Well then this program is going to straighten him back out!” my dad hollered back.
“He’s just a boy.” Mom pleaded “That place is for delinquents.”
“He’s 16 Claire, he’s not a baby anymore. He’s old enough to know the difference between right and wrong and what he did was wrong, now he needs to face the consequences. You baby him too much. That’s part of the problem.”
“Well if you were around more…” Mom practically whispered it, but I was proud of her for saying it.
“I’m trying to make a living!” he shouted back at her “What do you want me to do?”
They had never fought when we lived in San Diego. I ignored the fact that I was the cause of this particular argument. The majority of the blame could still be placed on him. It was his fault for making us move here. Everything had been fine before we’d moved.
I stopped listening after that. I knew the battle was lost before it begun, but I appreciated Mom going to bat for me. I would miss her, wherever I was going. I slipped my headphones on to drown out the sound of their fighting.
I listened to the classical CD that Destiny had picked out for me last summer. I closed my eyes and thought about her. We hadn’t spoken since she’d left. I felt bad for not attending her final performance, but my feelings had been hurt and I didn’t know how to face her.
I had completely misread everything. She still thought of me as a little kid, she was just trying to be nice and cheer me up and stupid me I thought she was actually interes
ted in me. I was wrong. I thought it was pretty ironic that all this trouble actually started because she had come here.
Some guys had seen me hanging out with Destiny that summer and when school started they asked me about her. They were seniors and I thought it was cool that they were even talking to me, so of course I went along with whatever they said. They thought it was cool that I had such a hot girlfriend, I didn’t correct them.
I had finally made some friends. Isn’t that what my parents had wanted? The guys weren’t so bad. They were just bored and sometimes did things that might not be considered so good. Like stealing a car for instance. It was just for fun. A joy ride. I didn’t even know that’s what we were doing that night until we were doing it, and at that point what was I supposed to do?
Anyway what’s done was done now and apparently I was headed off to military school. Oh well, couldn’t be worse than L.A.
“You can call me if you need to.” Mom whispered for the third time.
She was crying and acting like we’d never see each other again. I wasn’t that worried about it. It was only a summer program. I’d be back in the solitary confinement of our apartment in L.A. in no time.
“Don’t get into any trouble.” My dad instructed.
I was surprised he’d taken the day off to drive me here. I hugged my mom and nodded at my dad. I turned away from them to face the officer who was approaching us.
“Fall into line, son.” He ordered and I did without another word to my parents.
First stop was the barber. I didn’t say a word as they shaved my head. Next we were given our sleeping assignments. My bed was the last at the end of the barracks. There were 5 uniforms hanging in the locker next to the bed. I started to unpack my bag when another officer approached me.