And even in the infinitesimal area of her intellect that Lydia reserved for contemplation, it occurred to her that the proposals Elizabeth and Jane had secured eclipsed hers considerably. Although she knew Wickham more handsome by half than either Mr. Bingley or Mr. Darcy, and certainly more charming (well, Mr. Bingley was amicable, but Mr. Darcy was absolutely dour), the few months of her marriage made her understand one great profundity: Beauty and allurement were not the only attributes of importance when selecting a husband. Money was paramount to both.
But Lydia’s consideration was specific to legal tender, not title or position. Some amongst the gentry would suffer any indignity to maintain, or obtain, position. That alone meant nothing to Lydia. Even she knew title and money were not necessarily synonymous in the vast country estates. Some baronial and ducal homes were in debt up to their leaking roofs. One of her few good qualities was that she was not a social snob. She loved money, true. But her adoration was birthed by the misfortune of her being a spendthrift. Her purse was always in need of replenishing. She desired the exactitude of money, not the encumbrance of wealth.
Hence, a man of position and wealth who could actually produce currency was, to Lydia, truly a prize. Mr. Bingley and Mr. Darcy (who both had those two exceedingly advantageous attributes in abundance and were happily in the additional circumstance of available cash) were to Lydia as much a matrimonial trophy as had their heads been mounted upon the wall.
It came to pass that providence had seen to it that Lydia’s dowry of fifty pounds per annum and Wickham’s paltry army pay did not compleatly embrace Lydia’s wants nor Wickham’s gambling debts. In the light of that injustice (and as it had long been her position that charity did, indeed, begin at home), Lydia saw no reason why all the Bennet sisters’ good fortune should not be communal. Upholding a second strongly clutched belief that the end always justifies the means, Lydia realised it might be necessary to subdue her sisters’ possible reluctance to share in their future husbands’ plethora of funds. Thus, she strove to become, not only their dear youngest sister, but their confidant and teacher as well.
For, if the loss of her brief status of First Daughter was imminent by reason of new marriages, she still clung to the single feat she held over her virga intacta sisters. She alone knew what would befall Jane and Elizabeth upon their wedding night. She alone was in a position to explain it all to them.
Their mother would not. Mrs. Bennet’s only advice to Lydia had been (this was not prior to their actual carnal union, but she advised it all the same), “Bear up, Lydia, and be brave. Suffer as you must and make certain your husband knows it.”
Copulation as recreation would have bumfuzzled Mrs. Bennet, for although her mother thought of Lydia as the daughter most truly after her own heart, she did not share Lydia’s concupiscence. (Lydia knew that their mother had to have consummated relations with their father, but was it not for the undeniable existence of herself and four sisters, she would have argued that possibility to the death.) Lydia sought amorous congress just as studiously as her mother avoided it.
And whatever were Wickham’s drawbacks as a provider, he was a prolific and masterful lover. As it happened, Lydia knew this as fact because he told her so emphatically and often. There were, however, not as many opportunities for Lydia to admire her husband’s self-professed masculine achievements by the sixth month of her marriage. Had the appellation of wife not elated Lydia so, she might have noted that Mrs. Lydia Wickham’s nether-regions were not sacrificed to Venus by Major George Wickham one-tenth as often as when she was Miss Lydia Bennet.
That was regrettable, but had to be forgiven. For even Lydia knew that Major Wickham was so fatigued by his exceedingly weighty and tedious assigned duty of telling the sergeant major what to do that, come evening, he could scarcely pull off his own boots. Exhausted or not, Lydia had some success at cajoling him into accommodating her, but she soon learnt there are only so many bodily orifices to penetrate and without the enthusiasm of her poor, weary husband, her gratification was limited.
Longbourn would be a merry distraction from drab Tyne and Wear. And, as Lydia gradually discovered as the miles grew between her coach and Wickham, distance does invariably soften one’s matrimonial travails. So by the time Lydia reached Hertfordshire, the memory of her husband’s libido had been resurrected to premarital prominence. Hence, she was quite anxious to share with Jane and Elizabeth the fortune that was soon to befall them (even if it had to ensue with lesser lovers than her Wickham).
With as much ado, bedlam, and brouhaha as she could incite, Lydia arrived by hackney coach into her mother’s outstretched arms. She kissed the air in her father’s direction, then bypassed Elizabeth, Jane, Kitty, and Mary altogether to offer her heartfelt (and prodigious) congratulations to her future brothers-in-law.
Lydia arrived at four in the afternoon. By five they had supped, and fifteen minutes after six o’clock the men retired to Mr. Bennet’s library to enjoy a decanter of port. The Miss Bennets and their mother anticipated conversation with Mrs. Wickham in the west parlour. She, however, had urgent business to attend to with Elizabeth and Jane. With whispered entreaty, she herded them into the first available bedroom. Once there, Jane sat upon the side of the bed in apprehension. Elizabeth chose to stand with arms folded, her posture reflecting a compleat understanding that all this urgency was undoubtedly in preparation for the disclosure of another of Lydia’s schemes.
Her premonition was not unrewarded. For Lydia closed the door and, without taking her hand from the knob, turned. Thereupon, she issued a tremendous, if melodramatic, sigh. She went to both sisters, took one hand of each in hers and clasped them to her bosom.
“Oh, to be a naïve young girl again!” Lydia, the wise matron of sixteen, gushed directly to the twenty-two-year-old Jane. “You know nothing of men and their carnal cravings, do you, my dear, sweet, innocent sister?”
Jane, of course, did not. But all three knew if Lydia wanted to disconcert someone with graphic delineation, Jane would be the victim of choice.
Watching the manipulative Lydia homing in upon Jane as if singling out a lamb for slaughter did not sit well with Elizabeth. Lydia, however, was so enthralled to be in a position of authority that she did not see Elizabeth glaring at her. Jane’s wide-eyed, wary look invited Lydia to expand.
“There are things you must know, Jane, Lizzy.”
She looked over at Elizabeth, whose countenance bore the distinct expression of one who knew herself far more ignorant than she would have liked. It also beheld a pronounced distaste for being enlightened by a younger sister, particularly Lydia, the unparalleled Queen of Theatrics.
As if reading her mind, Lydia said, “If you believe our mother will advise you, Lizzy, do not be so foolhardy.”
She then repeated what Mrs. Bennet had told her about the wedding bed, punctuating it with a merry laugh. Noting a compleat lack of sisterly camaraderie upon the subject of their mother’s marital shortcomings, she hastily prattled on.
“Indubitably, you believe Mr. Bingley and Mr. Darcy are compleat gentlemen. Surely, it is thus that they strive to be. But they are men and beneath their chivalrous manners lurk barely tethered desires of the flesh!”
More than one Sunday the vicar had warned of carnal pleasure, hence it was understandable for at least Jane to be alarmed. However, if Jane was held in fright, Elizabeth was not. Her disdain for Lydia’s pompousness was compromised somewhat by curiosity. Intelligence available to young ladies upon this subject was intentionally meagre. Decorum and society demanded benightedness.
Yet Elizabeth managed to respond mildly, “How kind of you, Lydia, to have come all this distance to warn us of carnal cravings of the unwed.”
Not compleatly oblivious to the mockery from the headiness of her singular position of matrimony, Lydia replied, “Of course not, Lizzy. But you would do well to listen to my admonishments lest you be taken unawares by Mr. Darcy’s conjugal embrace.”
“Pray?”
&
nbsp; Elizabeth’s reluctant interest at hand, Lydia returned to the sanctuary of Jane’s more genuine one and came directly to the point.
“When you give yourself for the first time, you must be prepared. For, are you not, when your lover takes you the pain will be unbearable.”
Believing Lydia’s superior practise in this had to be accepted, Jane’s eyes widened even more (physical pain, for anyone, was the very thing which Jane held in greatest repugnance).
“Lydia,” Jane said, “do you think it best to talk so unguardedly? Is this not private?”
“Yes,” Lydia agreed, undaunted. “I am speaking to you both privately, am I not?”
Of course, the only way Lydia knew to speak was without caution (privacy was hardly a hindrance upon her, either). Hence, Lydia continued unrestrained.
“It will be glorious beyond words, but you may cry out to God to take your life!”
“Lydia, really…”
“’Tis true, Lizzy!”
Lydia turned to Elizabeth, lifting her chin defensively, “You know nothing of this…one must assume.”
No, she did not. It was a quandary, for she was very keen to hear the details that were kept so scrupulously from the ears of maidens. However, she did not want to lend encouragement to Lydia (whom she knew needed little) nor to have Jane -terrorised by hyperbole. That was clearly Lydia’s impending effect, if not intent. For Lydia returned her attention to her eldest sister, whose face had lost all colour.
“Your husband’s manly instrument will swell big and red and hard and angry and enormous…”
Here Lydia struggled for adjectives, and having accidentally lapsed into repetition, strove on, “And when he first puts it up your nonny-nonny it will be with such force as to render you prostrate with ecstasy and pain.”
She lowered her voice in a highly conspiratorial whisper, and said, “Once he thrusts into you, he will again and again and again!”
Lydia had to take a swallow. In fortune, for with each successive “again,” Jane’s eyes widened and she leaned farther away from Lydia, and by the third “again,” was almost prone upon the bed.
Lydia concluded with a deep sigh, “It is a sweaty prospect. And his spendings are sticky. And his larydoodle does go limp with great dispatch after he has had his way with you.”
Lydia had frowned at the thought of these drawbacks, but perked up, remembering, “But, if he can just stay with it, he will bring you such rapture that you will sing about it for days!”
Jane and Elizabeth were silent.
Thus Lydia, supposing it was of a stunned nature due to her oratory, added, “Of course, that is the lover that Wickham is. You, sisters, may not be so fortunate as I. For my husband is endowed with an organ of far grander proportions than other men.”
Lydia leaned forward conspiratorially again, “And this is what is most pleasing to his lover.”
Elizabeth narrowed her eyes and asked Lydia how she found validation of this information.
“Why, Wickham told me,” she replied without a hint of question.
Elizabeth was not in a position to know whether George Wickham’s apparatus was, indeed, superior to any other man’s. But, to her, the very fact that vapouring cock-a-hoop boasted of something automatically called its veracity into question.
Looking at the scepticism written upon Elizabeth’s face, Lydia hurried to assure her, “You cannot imagine anything so frightening as the sight of Wickham’s excited member!”
“I am sure I do not want to imagine Mr. Wickham’s excited anything.”
“You will see a great deal far sooner than you might anticipate, Lizzy, if you are not cautious with your affection before you wed.”
Lydia held up her fingernails and inspected them diligently as she said, “For a man’s ardour does not await the wedding vows.”
Of this, Lydia knew well and Elizabeth only raised her eyebrow in reminder.
Lydia saw the look and snapped, “Do not eye me so severely, Lizzy! If Mr. Darcy is half the man as Wickham, his flag will fly quite readily at the smallest provocation, I assure you.”
“You do not mean, Lydia,” Jane interjected, “that a gentleman is quite without his own will in such a situation?”
“I mean,” retorted Lydia, “that if you allow Mr. Bingley to kiss you too ardently, he will be aroused to such lust his loins will ache and his engorged lance will burst from his nether garments to ravish you! Wickham’s waggled at me more than once!”
“Lydia!”
Lydia replied self-righteously, “I have no say in the nature of men. I am merely the bearer of the information. If you do not choose to believe what is a verifiable truth, ’tis your folly, not mine,” and, with the timing of a true thespian, she then rose and quitted the room.
Jane sat upon the bed in a befuddled stupor. Elizabeth knew her dear sister’s sensibilities had been abused far beyond immediate reclamation. Was she not so curious, her own might have found insult, too. But this time, the usual annoyance Lydia incited in Elizabeth was compounded by being at the mercy of her own ignorance.
Even with no brothers to have enlightened them, Elizabeth was marginally informed upon nature’s intent. She had seen boys, of course, at least boy babies. Hence, she held some notion of the rather flagrant configuration of the male of the species. She was uncertain why she held Darcy’s…person in such interest, but until Lydia had importuned them, she had not taken the time to study the matter.
Elizabeth endeavoured to think of something soothing to say to Jane. But with her own mouth agape as it was, Jane was rising to leave before she could. Jane patted her hair distractedly and murmured about something that needed her attention. However, she stopped at the door, her hand upon the knob, and stood a moment, deep in thought.
Thereupon, she turned and bid Elizabeth, “Pray, Lizzy, there is something I do not understand.”
“Yes, Jane?”
“If it is so very painful to his wife for…a husband to…do his duty, why would she want him to be large?”
A perfectly good question.
3
George Wickham was not a happy major.
“Spirits” the sign had read.
In all the good humour of one who has yet to know himself disappointed, Wickham had run his glove reassuringly across the shine of the brass buttons that lined his uniform jacket, tossed his red cape back across one shoulder just so, and made his entrance into the anticipated merriment.
But he took no more than a step or two inside the door that had borne the designation of a drinking establishment. For upon his intrusion the patrons stopped all discourse, abandoned their ale, and glared in baleful silence at the fancy soldier in his pretty uniform who had just barged into their refuge.
If the sight they beheld was distasteful, Wickham was even more affronted. -Indistinguishable from the gloom of the room only by reason of the startling whites of their eyes, twenty-odd black smudged eyeballs stared at him. The two score of orbs had widened, then narrowed just menacingly enough to tell Wickham he best take his leave post-haste. That was most probably the only common ground he thought he might find in accordance with this plebeian pack of humanity. He very nearly fled.
Once at a safe distance he spat, “Bassimeçu,” over his shoulder, his arrogance reinstated with the assurance that no man in that odious excuse for a tavern would understand the insult.
He picked up his step all the same.
*
Although his scepticism had been on high alert, he had been assured by those who vehemently sought his egress from London that Newcastle was an ambitious but pretty coastal port surrounded by grouse moors.
Wickham, who loved nothing better than to insinuate himself into good society, had not thought much of such a bucolic milieu. He should have held out for better. Bath, perhaps. However, establishing distance betwixt himself and Darcy had been uppermost at that particular moment (hasty leave-taking and the resultant insulation of miles was the single constant in his life). Hence, th
e felicity of an assignment in the north-easternmost reach of England rendered itself ever more probable. Reality saw that Newcastle was, indeed, small, and had a port, but there was nothing pretty about the place. It appeared industrious, but hardly fashionable.
He and Lydia were not a ten-foot out of their hack coach before Wickham realised a dual insult upon his person. The high lustre of his boots was already besoiled with soot and there was not a bootblack in sight to polish them.
His boots’ hasty begriming bade him look about to see whence it came. There was no single culprit, for he saw nothing but cinereous stone buildings, slate streets, dingy windows, drab people, and a sky thick with smoke. It looked as if, quite literally, a film of coal grit filled every crevice and dusted every face in the town.
“Like shipping coal to Newcastle,” Wickham repeated miserably to himself as he spat upon his wife’s lace-trimmed, cambric hanky and dabbed at the toes of his jackboots.
This first impression of the town not at all promising, Wickham had looked to the moors. And again he had been disappointed. If there were any hunting retreats of the wealthy about, by the time the Wickhams had arrived in mid-December, they were long abandoned. Were they not, clearly from the seedy look of Newcastle, people of station hied directly to the hinterlands and fro, compleatly bypassing town. An altogether reprehensible situation.
Further injury awaited. For even more than hobnobbing with those elusive people of property, Wickham favoured gambling with them. Hidden behind his façade of well-mannered sociability stood a man who, after all respectable persons had gone to bed, liked to prowl the night for similarly-minded men flush with funds. Wickham liked his cards lucky, his whiskey smooth, and his women loose. There were a number of taverns, but as Wickham had soon determined, they were tended by grubby men with thick forearms instead of lusty barmaids (who might enjoy a little debauchery in a back room). And nary a den of iniquity amongst them.
Mr. Darcy Takes a Wife Page 2