I missed her.
Still, I was sick of feeling like a pussy-whipped ass who wasn’t even getting the pussy.
“No worries, baby. Honestly, you saved yourself. I don’t do the relationship thing, and you’re not a fucking your friend kind of girl. It would’ve never worked.”
Her face paled. “Well, thanks for being honest, I guess.”
Nodding, I stood and moved closer to her. Her shoulders stiffened, and she looked away. She couldn’t even look at me. I’d hurt her. I could see it reflected in her eyes. It was seriously fucked-up because hurting her hurt me.
“Just friends, then?” I asked, trying to make up for my hurtful words.
I sounded like an idiot, and if the guys on the team could hear me, I’d never hear the end of it.
She smiled, her expression lighting the space around us. “Friends.”
“Good,” I said feeling as though everything was final. “We’re hopping a flight to Miami in the morning, but when I get back, do you want to go shoot some pool at Jim’s?” I asked, trying to smooth things over even more.
“Sure. Text me when y’all get back and I’ll meet you there?”
“Sounds good.”
We walked away from each other and headed toward our next class. I caught myself stopping and turning around to watch her leave.
It was embarrassing.
I didn’t get the girl, and apparently, I’d lost my fight because I wasn’t even trying anymore. It was more than obvious I wasn’t what she wanted.
Turns out starting college meant dealing with many changes. In high school, there was no such thing as a girl who didn’t want me, but I had to learn that I wasn’t in high school anymore and it was time I let go of the way things used to be. I had a team to carry, and I couldn’t keep jeopardizing that with thoughts of Gretchen.
We were friends.
That would have to be enough.
I watched on the big screen at Jim’s with my dormmate Lexi as Camden beat Miami twenty to seventeen. Pride for Sawyer moved over me, and I ignored Lexi as she went on and on about how great his ass looked in his football pants.
She was wrong.
His ass didn’t look great in his football pants.
It looked fantastic.
Smack-able.
Actually, every time one of his teammates smacked his ass for a good job, I got jealous.
The lucky bastards.
Sunday night, when he texted me to meet him at Jim’s, I did. I kicked his ass at pool, which I knew I would, and he took the loss better than I thought he would. He might be a god on the football field, but I’d played enough pool with Jacob growing up that I rarely lost.
He took it like a champ and even bought me a beer.
The guys weren’t there, like usual, and I worried that after our talk the day before he left for Miami, things would be awkward. I should have known better. Sawyer really had become my friend. Just because he wasn’t relationship material didn’t mean he wasn’t fun to be around.
We sat and ate wings and watched two different replayed games at once—Camden’s game against Miami on one TV and Newdale’s game against Georgia on the other. I watched with bated breath as Jacob continuously dropped the ball and got sacked. I knew he was home okay. The game was a day old, but that didn’t stop me from holding my breath when the medics came onto the field to check him.
“Fucking loser,” Sawyer muttered under his breath.
My shoulders stiffened and the hairs on my arms stood on edge. I wanted to reach across the table and choke him, but I knew I needed to remain calm. I had to keep my head in the game for Jacob.
“That’s not very nice.”
Sawyer looked at me with a lifted brow and then laughed.
“Who told you I was nice?” he asked.
“No one. I just know.” I shrugged.
His smile slipped from his face, and he looked like he wanted to say more. Instead, he took a swig from his beer.
“I take it you’re not a fan of Jacob Byrd?”
I held my breath as I waited for his reply. I knew it was going to piss me off when he started to talk shit about Jacob, but I couldn’t let his words get to me. I had to stay focused.
“I hate that motherfucker.”
I bit into a chicken wing to keep my mouth occupied. If not, I would have surely cursed Sawyer out.
Swallowing the barbecued goodness, I wiped my mouth with a napkin and continued to push. “Why do you hate him?”
He didn’t look at me.
Instead, he stared at the TV and kept his eyes glued to Jacob’s game. His stats moved over the screen and Sawyer shook his head and chuckled. They weren’t as good as Sawyer’s were. Not even close, but then again, he was sick and Sawyer was in perfect health.
“We’ve just always been rivals,” he finally answered.
“You’ve been rivals your whole life? So you boys have known each other a long time then?”
I knew the answers to the questions I was asking, but I’d been putting it off long enough. It was time to get in Sawyer’s head. Jacob didn’t have much longer before he was back in the hospital and putting up a fight for his life, which meant neither did I.
“Yeah. I’ve known him since elementary school. We played peewee together.”
“Y’all were friends?”
He looked at me curiously, and I knew the gears in his brain were working. He shook his head and took another swig from his beer. I still found it crazy that Sawyer was able to buy beer underage. I guess it paid to be good looking in a town were college girls worked everywhere.
He didn’t answer the question.
Instead, he said, “I’m trying to watch the game, Gretchen. The past is in the past. Let’s leave it there.”
“Sorry. I was just wondering.” I looked down at the plate of wings between us, feeling dejected.
He reached across the table, his large hand covering mine, and the heat from his skin moved up my arm and into my elbow.
“Sorry. I wasn’t trying to be a dick. It’s just a sore subject.”
I nodded my understanding and smiled sweetly.
“It’s okay.” I twisted my fingers in his. “Tell me what happened.”
He shook his head aggravated. “Why are you all of a sudden interested in Jacob Byrd? Is there anything I should know?”
“No,” I said a little too quickly. “I don’t know. You always talk trash about him. I never hear you talk about the quarterbacks from the other teams, and I know y’all are from nearby towns. I was just curious why you disliked him so much.”
He sighed deeply, his shoulders dropping in defeat, and I knew I had him. Still, I covered his hand with mine and pushed harder.
“You can talk to me about anything, Sawyer.”
His eyes held mine before they dropped to my lips. I knew he was thinking about kissing me. Hell, I wanted him to kiss me, but I also knew there were more important things.
His eyes shifted away from my face, and he removed his hand from mine and leaned back in his seat.
“When I was ten, my mom was diagnosed with breast cancer.” His voice cracked with pain making me feel like a total asshole. “She had surgery after surgery, but it didn’t help. She was terminal. She died and I was left all alone with my dad, who practically died with her.”
He stopped, rubbing the back of his neck roughly. It was obvious he was uncomfortable with letting his guard down. I was seeing a completely different side of Sawyer—a vulnerable side. And for a second or two, I could see the sweet little boy he used to be—I could see the boy Jacob swore he was—and all it did was make me fall even harder for him.
“Then what happened?”
“Nothing. Jacob used to be my best friend. I needed him more than anything when my mom died, but he wasn’t there. He just disappeared off the face of the Earth.” He shrugged as if it was no big deal, but I could see the hurt in his eyes. “Three weeks later, there was a moving truck in their yard. I walked to his house, hopi
ng he’d explain why he wasn’t there, but his parents stopped me. I don’t think they ever really liked me much. They told me they were moving and that was the end of it. They wouldn’t even let me see him. Apparently, I was a bad influence even then.”
“You’re not a bad influence,” I said, my heart breaking for him because he really had no idea.
He looked at me like I was crazy, and we both chuckled knowing good and well Sawyer Reed was definitely a bad influence.
“When school started back, I found out that Jacob had moved an hour away. I didn’t see him again until he stepped foot on the field in high school. Just like now, he was on a rival team. We were natural enemies, and the hate I’d held on to over the years only fueled my game. I pumped iron harder. I spent all my time and energy hating him. In a way, my hatred for Jacob Byrd made me the football player I am today.”
I hated to admit it, but I understood how he felt. He was hurt. He’d lost his mother and his friend wasn’t there when he needed him the most. Sure, Jacob had a damn good reason for not being there, but Sawyer didn’t know that.
The words that would free him from his anger and fill him with regret and remorse sat on the edge of my tongue, but I couldn’t push them past my lips. After all the time of getting to know him, I didn’t want to hurt him. Telling him the truth would do just that.
I ran my fingers over my bracelet, the hurt of losing my mother thickening in my throat. I could imagine I would have reacted in the same way. Losing your mother hurts beyond reason. I knew that firsthand.
“I know what that's like,” I whispered, sure he couldn’t hear me over the game that was playing above us.
“What do you mean?”
“I know what it’s like to lose your mother. I was fourteen when I lost mine. Multiple sclerosis. It's torture to watch them slip away, isn't it?”
He nodded, his sad eyes moving over my face before he looked away and locked his eyes on the game. If I wasn’t mistaken, his eyes were glistening with tears.
“Sawyer?”
“Yeah?” He kept his eyes on the TV.
“Did you ever ask him why he wasn’t there? Do you think maybe he had a good reason?”
He shook his head, his lips tightening with renewed anger.
“If he wanted to be there for me, he would’ve been.”
At that, I let it go. I could tell by the deep lines in his expression that I’d already pressed him too hard.
We left Jim’s an hour later. I knew it was wrong for both of us, but I reached out and took his hand while he walked me to my car. His hand was warm and comforting, and the desire to hug him close to me was strong.
We’d shared some intimate details of our life over wings and beer, and it made me feel closer to him. It made me soften to him even more than I had before. I was slowly starting to understand Sawyer, and I knew that Jacob was definitely right. He was a good guy—a confused guy—a clueless guy, but still good.
Later that night, once I got back to my room, I pulled out a picture of my mom from my bedside table. I stared at it for a long time and let the memories of her wash over me. I hummed her favorite song to myself in the darkness of my room. I hadn’t sung a note since she left the Earth, but for the first time in a long time, I wanted to sing for her. Had my roommate not been sound asleep across the room, I would have.
My phone vibrated, prompting me to put the picture down and pick it up. It was Sawyer texting me.
Sawyer: What are you doing?
Gretchen: Laying in bed thinking of my mom. U?
Sawyer: Same. I’m glad we talked tonight. I guess I kind of needed it. Thanks.
I smiled.
Gretchen: Anytime.
Sawyer: Good night, beautiful.
Gretchen: Good night.
There was a Halloween party the following weekend, and of course, I went. Bailey, a friend of mine from Biology, joined me dressed like a devil, and I spent most of the night watching her flirt with every guy in the room. Her short red dress kept riding up, showing all her goods, and I found myself embarrassed for her.
I’d opted for something sexy, too, but the referee dress I’d picked up at least covered my ass. Still, I spent a lot of time tugging it down. The black boy shorts underneath covered everything, but you could never be too sure.
Sawyer stayed across the room from me most of the night, and I knew it was because he felt awkward after opening up to me about his mom and Jacob. The entire week had felt a little off, us both realizing that our relationship had shifted somehow. I felt guilty that, again, I’d lied by omission. The least I could do was give him his space and let him adjust to our new level.
Still, we were only friends, and he was taking full advantage of that. Every time I looked across the room, there was a dark-haired girl on his lap. She was pretty, and as much as I wished I could say she was dressed like a total slut, she wasn’t. Her fairy costume didn’t show too much skin, and her sweet smile and large almond-shaped eyes made me jealous as hell. Still, I stayed in my seat and reminded myself that I was the one who said friends only.
I started out drinking soda and water, but after two hours of watching as he nuzzled the girl’s neck and sweetly kissed her behind the ear, I decided I’d had enough. I filled a cup with beer and downed it as fast as I could.
After that, I downed another.
And another.
Until I felt my muscles loosen and the pressure on my chest lift.
“Gretchen, get your ass up here and dance with me!” Bailey called out.
She was on the floor with one of the players, his hands all over her hips and ass. I laughed and waved her away. Dancing was the last thing I wanted to do. Plus, I wouldn’t be able to see Sawyer from the dance floor. Where I’d been sitting most of the night was the perfect spot to be all stalker-like and watch him.
An hour later, I decided maybe drinking wasn’t the best idea. Because my hurt was slowly being replaced with anger the more I watched the dark-haired girl put her hands all over Sawyer. My teeth gritted together, and I anxiously tapped my black nails on the table next to me as my anger grew and grew.
By the time Sawyer stood up and took the girl’s hand to leave, I was livid. He was leading her across the room to the front door, his arm around her waist and his signature cocky smile on his face, which only fueled my rage.
He was going to get laid.
It was obvious to everyone in the room.
I wasn’t sure what possessed me to stand and move, but I did. I dragged myself across the room, my knee-high black boots tapping hard on the ceramic floor, and I moved straight into their path. I blew the whistle that came with my costume, not giving a shit who looked my way. When Sawyer turned my way, the smile on his face slipped and confusion filled his eyes.
“Are you okay, Gretchen?” he asked, his eyes moving down over my costume. “You look a little drunk, babe.”
“Don’t fucking call me babe,” I snapped. “And no, I’m definitely not okay.” I turned my attention to the dark-haired girl, her innocent eyes suddenly looking devious. “Do you always go home with random guys you don’t know? Because if so, I’d say that’s pretty gross.”
The girl’s eyes widened. “Excuse me?”
“You heard me,” I sneered. “It’s fucking pathetic.”
I moved closer, my fist curled up ready to hit her, but before I could, Sawyer grabbed me by the arm and pulled me away. People were turning their heads our way as he pulled me down a long, empty hallway.
“What are you doing, Sawyer? We shouldn’t leave your little fairy queen. What if she gets lost and falls on another dick?”
When we reached the middle of the hall, he pressed me against the wall.
“What’s your problem?”
He was angry, and his eyes were dark and menacing. His tight lips formed a straight line as he glared down at me.
God, he was sexy.
He wasn’t wearing a costume, but he looked unbelievable in his jersey and jeans.
&nbs
p; “You,” I dug my finger into his hard chest, “are my problem. You’ve been my problem for weeks!”
The louder my voice grew, the further away he pulled me from the party until finally we were at the end of the hallway with three doors boxing us in. He turned me so that his back was to the open end of the hallway, blocking me from the rest of the partygoers.
“I haven’t done anything to you, and honestly, I’m getting sick and tired of your back and forth bitchiness and bullshit. Get it together, Gretchen.”
He moved to walk away from me, but before he could, I dug my nails into his arm and stopped him. He glared down at my hand on his arm and shook his head.
“You’re fucking crazy, woman. One minute, you’re pushing me away and handing me a friend card, and the next, you’re acting like a jealous girlfriend and you’re all over my cock. Snap out of it.”
“I’m not fucking jealous,” I growled. “And I’m definitely not all over your cock. You’ve mistaken me for every other bitch on campus!”
Knowing he was right made me even angrier. Jealousy boiled in my center, and already, I was getting wet just being close to him.
He chuckled sarcastically. “Could have fooled me, Ref.” He fingered the whistle around my neck. “Those are both bad calls. You’re so full of shit, and you know it. I know the look of a horny woman who’s too prudish to follow through. Don’t be jealous because the other girls have the balls to go after what they want.”
His words struck me deep, sucking the air from my lungs.
“The poor virgin Gretchen,” he continued. He moved closer, his nose skimming my cheek and his hot breath rushing into my hairline. “She’s embarrassed because I make her lady hole wet. It’s okay to want me, baby. Hell, I’d even let you take a spin on my cock. But you’re too busy pushing me away because you’re scared and you know it.”
He leaned back, a wide, sarcastic smile on his lips. Before I could stop myself, I slapped him right across his face. My palm stung from the heat of his cheek. His face shifted to the side and the slap echoed all around us.
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