by Ariella Papa
“You mean the women of ancient times?”
“Yeah,” she said, smiling. “You know, like the ones who you keep hearing about who squatted and popped their kids out and went back to doing whatever there were doing. You know, the ones who made the slings.”
“Are you talking about the Maya wrap? Are you talking about the Mayans?”
“Yeah, the Mayans or the Aztecs or the cavewomen or whoever lived in a time before Oprah and guilt and a mother-in-law.”
“Well, I think, and I’m no anthropologist,” I said, giggling and taking another sip of wine, “that probably when you had a baby back then, the rest of the women in the tribe or whatever—”
“—the clan—”
“—yeah, the clan they would come over and circle around you and help you out and make sure you had food—”
“—and knew how to tie the proper Mayan wrap—”
“—and made sure your baby latched on—
“–and help you be on your feet after you popped out the kid—”
“—yes, back to work, back to being the gatherer in the hunter-gatherer equation. You know, but I think the other women, kind of checked in and made sure you were, you know, ok. It was called being a part of the community.”
“Kind of what you’re doing,” she said. She smiled at me.
“Kind of,” I said. We sat quietly for a minute. Honestly, I wasn’t expecting anything back; it made me feel good to help her out. And I was enjoying being with another mother without feeling as though I was working or selling something. It had been a long time, since I just hung out. “You know, I might have a splash more wine. A little bit.”
“Make those gatherers proud,” Ruth said. She passed me the bottle of wine.
Feeling me shift, Naomi let out a yelp. I shifted her onto my breast as quickly as possible, but it was too late, the damage was done, Abe was awake.
“I’m sorry,” I said. “I knew she was going to wake up soon.”
“No, it’s ok, I think he’s hungry too.”
Ruth put Abe on her breast. She winced when he latched on. Sage crept over and stood right in front of them.
“Sage, honey, can you give Ruth and Abe some space, please?”
Sage turned his head toward me, but didn’t look away. He pointed a tiny chubby finger at Ruth. “Nanas.”
“He’s amazed,” I stage whispered to Ruth. “Is this ok?”
“Yeah, it’s fine. I’m starting to appreciate my breasts in a whole new way. They aren’t something to use to get favors anymore.”
I looked up at her, thinking I misheard, but I saw from her face that I hadn’t. I laughed.
She looked down at Sage and smiled. “He’s a sweetheart.”
“Thank you,” I said. Lately when people looked at Sage, I worried that they were going to say something mean. The whole ride over I had been imagining what the supermarket cashiers would say about his headband. I hated feeling this way, but I worried that my son was different somehow. It was normal for kids to play dress-up, but Sage seemed to be identifying as a girl. He was starting preschool next year, no, not next year, in three months. The boys in Julissa’s class all seemed so tough and boyish. What did the tough world have in store for my little guy?
Naomi finished eating and looked around Ruth’s house, curiously.
“Where are we?” I asked her. “This is Ruth’s house. I’m going to put her down. She is just starting to sit up and desperately wants to crawl.”
“Wow, already,” Ruth said.
“Yeah, each one has started faster. The older ones influence them. It’s amazing.”
I put Naomi down on her tummy, and she immediately did a few rolls.
“Wow,” Ruth said really impressed or maybe just slightly drunk. Sage took the opportunity to climb into my lap. He snuggled into the crook of my neck. Ruth sighed.
“I’m looking forward to that. I’ve gotten some smiles, which have made all the crying and craziness almost worth it, but to actually get a hug?” Ruth shook her head. “That must be awesome.”
“It is.” I closed my eyes and breathed the special smell of Sage’s head. Maybe my little guy could handle the tough cruel world just fine. Maybe he wouldn’t have to change and he could change everyone else.
“Mama, Jules,” Sage reminded me.
“You’re right, honey, we should get going. We still have time to stop at the grocery store.” We had been at Ruth’s for almost forty-five minutes. I didn’t want to overstay my welcome or put pressure on Ruth to be a good hostess.
“Thanks for coming over and thanks for the chicken potpie. We’ll have it for dinner tonight. I can’t wait to have a home-cooked meal. It’s been a ton of takeout and frozen food.”
“I hope you enjoy it.”
“Where are you parked?” Ruth asked.
“I got a great spot right out front.”
“Nice,” Ruth said. “I can help you, I’ll just pop Abe in the swing for a minute.”
“You sure? That would be great, give me a chance to get both of them in their seats. Naomi can be a little unwieldy in the sling. Would you mind grabbing her? Can you manage?”
“Sure,” Ruth said. She picked Naomi up and gasped in surprise. “Wow, I can’t believe how much heavier she is than Abe. And so much more in control. You are so big, so steady, Miss Naomi. What a big girl.”
“He’ll get there before you know it,” I said. David would have encouraged me to make a photography sales pitch at this point, but I didn’t want to corrupt the day. I collected all the items in my diaper bag. Sage managed to empty out the whole thing in no time. I put Sage’s sweatshirt on and pulled the sling over my neck. I mentally made sure I had everything. “Abe, we’ll see you soon, I hope. Be good to your mama. Sage, do you want to say good-bye to Abe and Ruth and say thank you for such a nice afternoon.”
Sage ran over to Abe so fast that I wasn’t sure what he was going to do, but he bent down and gauged the speed of the swing so he could go in for a gentle kiss on the head. He bumped his head a little on the swing, but he didn’t seem to mind.
“That was great, buddy,” I said. “Nice and gentle. Do you have a kiss for Ruth?”
Ruth awkwardly bent down, trying to manage the larger weight of Naomi and Sage pressed his forehead into her.
“Thanks, Sage. Thanks for the kiss and the company.”
“You welcome,” Sage said, very clearly.
Ruth walked me to the door. She hesitated and I think, even though the car was parked about seven yards from the door, she didn’t want to leave Abe by himself.
“You know, you guys wait here and I’ll get Sage into his car seat and then come back for Naomi, ok?”
“Thanks,” Ruth said, relieved.
I unlocked the doors with the button on my key chain and opened up the back to put Sage in. I had my back to the traffic on the street. And as I started putting him in, my diaper bag slipped down my shoulder a little so I set it on the floor of the car and I buckled him up. Our car was a mess. It was a used truck that we had to buy to accommodate every possible child-seat contraption. It totally wasn’t our style, with power locks and windows, but it had the space we needed. We had an infant car seat, a toddler car seat and a booster seat. All methods of automotive child safety were accounted for. I clicked Sage in and checked the straps like I always did. It made him feel safer. Car safety was another one of his anxieties.
“There you go, buddy, nice and tight. Now Mama will be right back. I’m going to go up and get Naomi.” I closed the car door and leaned into our truck as a car went by. It was a little close, but I smiled at Sage to reassure him. I ran back up to Ruth’s stoop, hoping that Sage wouldn’t have time to get too upset when he realized he was alone in the car.
I got up to the stoop and took Naomi from Ruth. I thanked Ruth again and then I realized what I had done.
“Oh, shit!” I yelled.
“Shit, what?” Ruth asked.
“I think I—” but I wasn’t sure. Mayb
e it wasn’t true, but I realized that it was. I had locked the keys in the car. And I locked Sage in the car. “Can you take her back a minute?”
“Sure,” Ruth said, still confused. I sprinted down the steps and tried to open the front door. For Sage’s sake, I kept a big smile on my face when I realized the door was in fact locked. I looked down on the floor, and I could see the top of my key chain sitting at the top of the diaper bag. This could get ugly fast.
“Sage, can you hear me?”
“Yeah.” He looked concerned.
“Mama just has to . . .” But what, what was I going to do? We had never made that other set of keys. It was one of the things that slipped through the cracks. I drove this truck more than David, and if he drove it, it was usually when we were together.
A car pulled up along side my truck. A woman rolled down her window.
“Are you getting out,” she asked
“Not yet,” I said, brightly for Sage’s sake. The woman drove off.
“Honey, I forgot to tell Ruth something, I’ll be right back, ok. You’re doing a great job being patient. Thank you.”
Sage didn’t say anything, but he didn’t cry so I figured I had a few minutes to pull it together and figure out what to tell him. As I started back up Ruth’s walkway, I heard him start to yell. Great.
“Mommy, Mommy, Mommmmmmeeeeeee!”
I turned back. “Yes, honey, don’t worry, I’ll be right there.”
“No forget Naomi.”
“Of course not, honey,” I said. I raced back up to where Ruth was bouncing Naomi and glancing nervously back at Abe.
“What’s up?” She asked.
“I locked my keys in the car.”
“Oh, shit.”
“Yeah, shit. You want me to take her so you can check on him,” I said. I extended my arms, and she gave me Naomi. She went back in her house and checked on Abe. I feared that any minute these two babies were going to lose it and we moms wouldn’t be far behind. But Abe seemed ok, still milk drunk from his feeding. How could I be so frazzled? My cell phone was in my diaper bag, too. “Oh, can I borrow your phone and maybe a phone book. Do you have one?”
“You can have the phone, the phone book . . .” She looked around the living room. She picked up the phone and walked it back over to me, still looking.
“It’s ok, I can call information,” I said. “I mean if that’s ok.”
“Sure,” she said. “Hey, do you have triple A?”
“No. Shit.”
“Don’t worry I do,” Ruth said.
“Cool. Um, can you take her back for a minute, I’m going to just check on Sage.” I handed Naomi off again.
David and I were pretty adamant about not lying to our children. Ever. It was something we were sensitive about. We never wanted that to be something they held against us. Lately, with all of Sage’s fears and anxieties, I was starting to let a few white lies slip.
“Hey, honey,” I said to the window. “How are you?”
“Forgot Naomi,” he accused, pointing at me. Another car pulled up next to my truck and the driver mouthed the words “are you leaving?” I shook my head fast.
“No, honey. Naomi pooped in her diaper. Ruth is going to change her.”
He wasn’t buying it, I could tell. His dark eyes narrowed a little. He looked down at the diaper bag on the floor.
“Naomi’s diaps.”
“Well, Ruth has diapers, too, sweetie. Remember, Abe is Ruth’s baby, so she can use his diapers.”
“No, too small.” Man he was getting smart. I was proud of him for that quick comeback. Another car slowed and I looked up.
“I’m not leaving,” I said to the driver. I was starting to get frustrated. I was already playing out a million scenarios in my head, all of which ended in Sage have major trauma and anxiety.
“Well, Ruth bought diapers of all sizes when she got Abe. She is really prepared.”
“Why?” He asked. The last thing I had time for right now was the why game. I looked up and shook my head at another slowing car. These people were vultures.
“Because they were on sale,” I said. He appeared to accept this. His grandmother was a big proponent of buying things on sale. “I have to go up and make sure Ruth knows how to change a girl, since she is used to changing Abe, so I’ll be right back. Are you going to be ok?”
“Front to back.” He said. I had walked him and Jules through Naomi’s diaper changing process many times.
“That’s right. I’ll tell her. I’ll be right back.”
I ran back up to the stoop. Naomi was starting to fuss. Luckily, the wild card Abe was holding out. I noticed Ruth’s cheeks were flushed from the alcohol. She was bouncing Naomi and waving a piece of paper.
“Do you want me to call triple A?” she asked.
“That would be awesome,” I said, grabbing Naomi. I bounced her and silently begged her not to lose her shit, because I was about to. I couldn’t believe I had done this. I felt so stupid.
“The locksmith will be here in a half hour,” Ruth said. Abe was back in her arms. “I tried to get them to come sooner, but that’s the best they could do.”
“Ok, can I use the phone again? I need to call Julissa’s father to get her at school.”
“Sure,” I said. I dialed the number and got his voice mail. I left a message and gave him Ruth’s number after a couple of false starts and miscommunications. Hearing his voice on the message, his calm steady tone, almost made me start to cry. I knew this wasn’t the biggest deal, but I was starting to panic. I considered trying to call other locksmiths. Thirty minutes was a long time to wait. But would be the same story with everyone? I wondered how expensive they would be and if I could manage trying to have a conversation with them while keeping Sage calm. I was going to have to break the news to him.
“Do you want a drink?” Ruth asked. She was being supercool and calm. It was comforting. She had talked to the AAA people. She was holding the phone. I was grateful not to be alone for this.
“Maybe some water,” I said. What I wanted was the rest of that bottle of wine.
“You got it,” she said. I went back down to the car. I could tell that Sage was no longer buying any of my stories. I should have owned up to my mistake from the get-go. I shouldn’t have lied. I could imagine David was going to be disappointed in me when he found out, but at that moment I didn’t care. “When we gonna get Julissa, Mommy? We gonna be late.”
“Honey, Mommy locked the keys in the car,” I admitted. I held my breath, but he didn’t freak out. He stared at me. Ok, I continued. “Someone is going to come help us open the door.”
“Julissa come home.”
“She will, sweetheart. Daddy’s gonna go get her.” I hoped. I watched him and he seemed to be handling it quite well. But his bottom lip pouted out and that was a sure sign of trouble.
Ruth was next to me with shoes on, balancing Abe, a glass of water and the phone. I took the water and she held the phone out to me.
“It’s your . . . “she was searching for a word and when she got it, she smiled. Her choice lightened my mood a little. “Babydaddy.”
“Hi, babydaddy,” I said, smiling. To Sage, I said, “It’s Daddy.”
“Hi,” David said into my ear at the same time I realized it had been a mistake to tell Sage who it was because now he wanted to talk to him. He started to whine and fidget in his seat. “What’s going on? Who is this person I am calling?”
“I locked the keys in the car. I need you to pick up Julissa. The locksmith is going to be here in at least twenty five minutes, and she gets out of school in twenty.”
“How did you do that?” He asked. I wanted to ask him why it mattered. I heard him sigh. “It’s not cool for me to leave.”
“Well, David, I don’t know what to tell you. Someone needs to pick her up. I’ve got to deal with things here. I don’t know how long it will take.” I was getting angry. I wondered when we got to the point where we just downloaded information to each ot
her. We were air traffic controllers bringing planes in for landings without any sign of emotion or passion.
“I could go if you want,” Ruth said quietly in the background. “The car ride might be good for Abe.”
The preschool would never let Julissa leave with a stranger, and I couldn’t leave Sage with a stranger. I shook my head mouthing gratitude and turned away from her so that she wouldn’t hear my icy tone to David. “I’m sorry but you have to get her.”
“Well, I guess I will, then,” he said and hung up. I couldn’t believe it. In over nine years together we had never hung up on each other. That stung worse than any part of the day. I faked a good-bye for Ruth’s sake and then turned back to my son, who was starting to really freak.
“Sage, do you want to try to get out of your car seat and open the door?” It was worth a shot. Another car pulled up and Ruth shook her head. I pointed to the clasp that connected the arm straps of his seat. “Just press that black part.”
It took Sage a couple of tries to squeeze the right piece in his small hands, but he did and wiggled his arms out of the arm straps. Ruth actually cheered.
“Great job, getting out of the straps, Sage. Now can you push on the red part to disconnect the leg part? Then you can help Mommy and Naomi get into the car.”
This was not so successful. Sage tried and tried and then at some point realized that he was actually going to be in the car without the car seat and he freaked out.
“No, no, no,” he yelled. “Safe in my car sear. No.”
And he put his arms back through the straps and tried to reconnect the clasp. He couldn’t do that. So instead he started to wail. I turned around and leaned against the car with my head pressed against Naomi’s. I heard Ruth trying to comfort him through the window. She then ran back into the house and when she came back she was without Abe. She took Naomi out of my arms. Sage’s cries were growing shriller.