by Ariella Papa
Maybe she needed directions. Why did I have to think the worst? She beeped again and motioned more fervently. Ignoring this wasn’t kind. That wasn’t how I wanted to see the world or the example I wanted to set for my son on how to see it.
I rolled down my window.
“The sun,” she said. “The sun is hitting the baby right in the face.”
What? This is what was so important? I could tell by Naomi’s soft contented noises that she was fast asleep, so why stop me. Did I control the sun? Was I expected to turn around and go hide under a shady tree until nightfall?
I started to do my normal response, the flaky nod and smile. I almost said thank you. But then Ruth popped into my head and I pictured her with a wry smile giving this woman a snarky response. And I imagined Claudia, being horrified about being judged but still managing a completely researched diatribe on vitamin d deficiency pulled from her stockpile of fear-mongering Internet research.
But I didn’t have either of those responses in my bag of tricks. I wasn’t either of those two women. While I was relieved that she hadn’t taken it upon herself to make some ignorant comment about my son, I didn’t know what made this woman think she had the right, the audacity, to tell me this, to tell me my business. What gave anybody the idea that they could do that?
I was sick of it. I was sick of going along with everything.
“You know what,” I said. And then I leaned toward her in my seat, so that even though she might not be able to read lips and I was only going to whisper, there would be know doubt what I was going to tell her. “Fuck you!”
Then the light changed and I gunned it and cut her off. Sage whooped from how fast we went. And I smiled into the rearview mirror, pleased with myself.
“What did you say, mama?”
“I just told her something that adults say, buddy.”
“Something adults say,” he repeated.
“Adults are silly sometimes, buddy.”
“Why?”
“I don’t know, but they are.”
Later that afternoon, Amanda picked up Julissa from camp and then came over to watch everyone. I was considering asking her to start doing this a few times a week. It helped me get stuff done—not only the work I was getting paid for. I could work on the pictures of the mothers I had been taking, which were slowly becoming my passion. I would have to talk to David about whether or not we could afford it. But I had a lot of things I needed to talk to David about.
I took a break from my work. I liked to evenly divide my time between my paid work and my preferred creative work. It reminded me of something Claudia would do. It was time to start being more organized.
I went into the kitchen and gave the kids an early dinner so they could spend the next hour or so before bedtime playing Candy Land with Amanda. Bedtime was loose in the summer.
“Are you going to sit with them, Aunt K,” Amanda asked.
“Yeah, do you want anything, Amanda?”
“No, but do you mind if I go watch my show. It’s on now I’ll only watch it till they’re done. I DVR’d it so I can watch the rest later, but it’s on right now live. I am dying to see what happens with Thaddeus and Galia.”
“Ok,” I said. I had no idea what she was talking about, but I wanted to remain ever the cool Aunt K.
“I want to watch the show,” Julissa said. She never got to watch TV, and it was an illicit thrill whenever anyone else did.
“Me too,” Sage said. “I want to see Tadish and Gala.”
“You two need to eat your dinner,” I said. “C’mon, it’s letter pastas with butter and cheese. How yummy. C’mon.”
They complied and then the doorbell rang. This was a lot of excitement from the diners and they leaped from their seats. Even Naomi squealed.
“Who is it?”
“Is it Daddy?”
“Is Daddy home?”
“I want Daddy to come home.”
“I want to watch the show,” Julissa said as she found herself in the living room where Amanda had thankfully muted the television.
“Are you expecting someone?” Amanda asked.
“No,” I said. I pressed the intercom. “Yeah?”
“Hey, it’s Claudia,” she said. Her voice was jumbled on the intercom. “I was just in the neighborhood. Can I come up?”
“Sure, we’re on the third floor,” I said. I buzzed her in. I looked up at Amanda. “It’s a friend, another mom.”
She nodded, not really needing the explanation. She wanted to get back to her show. I opened the door. Claudia was already at the landing. She must have run up the stairs. She was flushed and breathless.
“Hi there,” I said.
“Hi, sorry to just drop by. I know I should have called, but I got out of work early, even though today is the day I usually work late. And anyway, it’s Peter’s day to get the kids and I didn’t want to deviate from the routine,” she said. Her words were fast and jumbled. She stood in my doorway. She wasn’t going to come in until I invited her.
“No worries, come on in.” I stepped back into the apartment. Julissa and Sage got right up in Claudia’s space. “Did you ever meet my daughter Julissa?”
“No, hi, hi Sage.”
“Hi,” Julissa said, checking Claudia out.
“This is my niece, Amanda. Naomi is in her high chair. The kids were having some dinner.”
“I’m really sorry I interrupted.”
“It’s no problem. In fact, Julissa and Sage can you go back to the table and Mama will be there in a minute.”
“But I want to watch the show,” Julissa whined.
“Me too, I wanna see what happens with Maddox and Gaga,” Sage said.
“Sorry,” Amanda said. I shook my head.
“C’mon guys. No TV. Go back into the kitchen and I will be right there. You have to keep Naomi company.”
The kids went back into the kitchen and Claudia glanced at the TV. Amanda had the volume back up as soon as the kids were out of eyesight. I was glad they were gone, because the couple on-screen was making out with a degree of intensity that made me jealous.
“Oh you’re watching Dragon Circle. That’s one of my shows.”
“What do you mean?” Amanda said, turning away from the TV.
“I work for the production company that makes this show,” Claudia said.
“Do you work with Thaddeus?” Amanda sounded impressed.
“No, he’s in L.A., but I’ve met him and he’s definitely cute.”
“Is he going to turn out to be a vampire too?”
Claudia shrugged mysteriously. She looked at me to explain. “It’s a show about a street in a town where lots of people are vampires. It’s one of our newest shows and is totally popular with young adults.”
We all looked at the TV. I had no idea why Claudia was here. Other than the pride she took in her career path, she was jumpier than usual.
Thaddeus pulled away from the woman I assumed was Galia and said, “Every part of me wants to touch you.”
I groaned at the cheesiness of the line, but both Amanda and Claudia sighed. Amanda’s sigh was from a young woman who hoped some day a guy would say that to her. I expected it from someone her age. Claudia’s sigh was almost mournful. I looked at her and tipped my head so my good ear was closer to her.
“They film this stuff three weeks ahead. And the scripts are probably available two weeks before that. Talent sees all the scripts.” She was explaining something, but I didn’t know what.
I nodded, not following. Claudia kept looking at the TV. Thaddeus had ripped open Galia’s blouse exposing a lacy bra and perfect breasts. If he was a vampire, he was certainly going the traditional route to love.
“Does Thaddeus have a girlfriend?” Amanda asked Claudia. “You know the actor.”
“I’m not sure,” Claudia said.
From the kitchen I heard a crash and a cry. Someone was not doing what they should have been.
“Sorry, I need to check that out,” I said.
“I’ll come,” Claudia said.
“I’ll be in at the next commercial,” Amanda said.
“Take your time,” I said. I didn’t want to pull her away from Thaddeus. Claudia and I went into the kitchen. Sage had an overturned glass of milk in front of him. Julissa was scrambling back into her seat, Naomi was giggling, and Sage looked like he was about to cry.
“What happened?” I asked
“She did it,” Julissa said, pointing to Sage.
“Julissa,” I said, putting my face close to hers. She was testing me. Why did Claudia have to witness this testing? I wanted to scream in her face but I kept my voice calm. “Sage is a he.”
“Sage is a she,” she said defiantly. Sage didn’t seem to mind the characterization.
“I’m pretty sure Sage is a boy,” Claudia said playfully. I looked at her and smiled, but she was looking at Julissa. Julissa smiled a mischievous smile.
“He knocked it over.”
“Ok,” I said. “Accidents happen.”
Claudia handed me a couple of paper towels, and I wiped up the spill. Amanda came in, her skin young and perfect. She looked like she was completely smitten. I’m sure there were so many things she would rather be doing than watching my kids.
“He’s so amazing,” she said to Claudia. “I can’t believe you know him.”
“Next time he comes to town, next time there is a soap opera awards, I will introduce you.”
“Really, oh, my God. That would be awesome. For real?”
“Sure,” Claudia said.
“Oh, that would so cool,” Amanda whipped out her phone and shot off a quick text. Claudia and I smiled at each other.
“Amanda, would you mind getting Sage a little more pasta? I think Claudia and I are going to go talk in my studio.”
“No worries,” Amanda said. She looked at Claudia. “Please don’t forget. You can get in touch with me through my Aunt K.”
“I won’t forget. Don’t worry. As long as I work at my job, you can meet Thaddeus.”
I shut the door behind us in my studio. “I think you are her heroine.”
“Unfortunately, I’m pretty sure Thaddeus doesn’t have a girlfriend. I don’t really think women are his thing.”
“Oh, life is hard. Poor girl.”
“Also, I’m under a disciplinary review so I don’t know that I’m going to have my job the next time Thaddeus is in town.”
I looked at her, wanting more information, but she didn’t seem to want to talk about it. She looked around my studio.
“This room is nice. It’s cool that you have a space to do your work.”
“Yeah, I love it,” I said. I didn’t mention that I probably wasn’t going to have it for much longer. “So what’s up?”
“Well, I wanted to come over. It’s Peter’s day to pick up the kids from day care. He drops them off once a week and picks them up once a week. I usually work late. I got the afternoon off, actually tomorrow off, too. Then who knows? I didn’t know how to explain it. I don’t know why I decided to come here. I guess I wasn’t really sure how to face the music.”
I nodded. I pulled over the stool that David used sometimes and sat on it, so Claudia could have my swivel chair. “Do you want to sit down?”
“Yeah,” Claudia said.
“Are you ok?”
She didn’t say anything. She closed her eyes and her eyebrows fluttered, but she composed herself and nodded. “I think I’ve got to be truthful about things that I’m not sure I’m really ready to be truthful about.”
“Do you want to talk about it?”
“No, I mean, I would. It seems that maybe I should talk to Peter about it first. It doesn’t seem like I have necessarily been fair to him. I haven’t been upfront.”
“Why not? Why wouldn’t you tell him the truth?” I really wanted to know what would make someone lie to the person they loved.
“I don’t know. We got together on this pretext, you know, this plan. It was all practical and methodical. And now we’re in it. The plan is reality. We have two kids and a mortgage. But I don’t feel like he’s ever seen me. I don’t feel like anyone’s ever really seen me,” Claudia said. I heard her say that, and I started to look at her differently. I started to picture looking at her through my lens. I wondered how my camera and I might see her.
“I mean, I keep doing things to surprise myself,” she continued. “Maybe I haven’t seen myself. I want to be truthful, but it’s hard.”
I wondered if that was it for David. Maybe he thought I couldn’t see him. But nothing about us getting together had been practical or methodical. I thought we got together out of passion, out of a shared sense of adventure. Is this what he would have said to me if I asked him? Maybe. But I wasn’t asking him. I wasn’t asking him anything. I was terrified.
“Truth is a funny thing, I think. I mean, sometimes the people that are around probably can’t deal with the truth so they let you lie,” I said.
“I guess we can’t go around naked all the time. We can’t let it all hang out. Everything is a bit of a lie.”
I nodded. At that moment I heard the front door opening and the squeals and excitement from my kids that usually signaled their father’s arrival. They loved him so much. How could I ever do anything to rock the boat? I nourished the lie. I needed it.
“David’s home,” I said.
“Oh, I should go,” Claudia said.
“No, stay. Let’s talk more. Let’s . . . I don’t know, just hang out.”
“What do you mean?”
I was about to explain, but David pushed the door open.
“Oh, excuse me,” he said, seeing Claudia. “I didn’t know you had someone over.”
“David, this is Claudia. She had the twins Jacob and Emily. I think I showed you those pictures.”
“Oh, yeah,” he said. “Nice to meet you. Beautiful children you got there.”
“Nice to meet you, too,” Claudia said. “And thank you. Kirsten took some great pictures of them.”
“Yes, she has an amazing eye,” he said, smiling at me. I thought I almost saw pride.
“Well, you’re an artist, too, right,” Claudia asked. I sensed she was making conversation, being polite. I was surprised when David emphatically shook his head.
“Not anymore, now I’m just a baker.” He glanced at me and smiled. I had seen that look before, recently. He was testing me, the way Julissa had. What did he want me to say to that?
Well, it worked. I was angry. I was tired of saying nothing and going along. Maybe he wanted me to shut up and be the caretaker, but for the first time in weeks he was home on time. He could carry water for the family a while. I wanted some me-time.
“Do you think you could put the kids to bed and send Amanda home? Claudia and I are going to work on something for a little while,”
“No problem,” he said. He was playing the role of the doting father and partner. More lies, everywhere. It was enough to make you cry. “See you around, Claudia.”
“Yes, it was nice to meet you.”
When David closed the door, I turned to Claudia. “Can I photograph you?”
“Oh, is this your thing that you did with Ruth?”
“Yeah, I’ve been finding myself inspired by the women, the mothers, around me,” I said. “So what do you think?”
“I don’t know,” she said. She fluffed the top of her short hair. “I don’t really feel photogenic.”
“This isn’t high fashion. These are similar to portraits. You know, you can be honest with the camera. You can let it, let me, see you.”
I saw her weighing that in her head, but I already knew she was going to do it. I wasn’t going to let David and his not-artist comment throw me off. In spite of it, I was already getting into it. I could feel that we were going to make something good together. We just each had to trust. No more lies.
“Where should I stand?”
“Um, wherever, actually, oh, how about right by this wood screen. You know, you
can put your bag down.”
“Should I stand or sit or what?”
“Do whatever,” I said, already starting to snap away. There was something on her mind and I wanted to get to it. I wanted to see it without having her tell me what it was. It didn’t matter, the actual detail. I wanted the emotion. But I could see I was going to have to work with her. I was going to have to peel back some layers. I started talking; I starting coaxing. Photographing children was completely different from adults. Adults needed you to seduce them. I hadn’t been seducing anyone lately, but I could start.
“You know, Claudia, I’m not really sure where I’m going with this project. I know I’ve been inspired, like I was saying. But I will never show anyone a picture of you unless you give me permission. So think of this as just for me, just for us. Try to let go of any inhibitions. I know that’s easier said than done. “
“Kirsten, I think I came out of the womb with inhibitions,” she joked. She made herself laugh. It was a rare unguarded smile. I snapped a picture of her.
“I doubt it. But I’m glad you mentioned that. You know, sometimes I look at Naomi—I did this with Jules too—when she’s on the changing table. She is flailing around naked and happy. She doesn’t know to be ashamed of any part of herself. She is free and happy, as we all should be.”
“Are you asking me to get naked?”
“No, of course, not,” I said. “I mean, you can if you want to, if you think it would help you relax, but I’m trying to put that image in your head to help you relax.”
I could see it wasn’t helping. She was becoming more uptight. She was holding her hands in fists close to her waist. I reached out for one hand and opened up her fist, pulled the arm away from her body. I was beginning to feel inhibited. This couldn’t work this way. I decided to try another approach. I lowered my camera.
“Claudia, you came here tonight with something on your mind. But we haven’t talked about.”
“I don’t know that I can, “she said, looking me in the eye.
“And I’m not asking you too. And, honestly, Claudia if you don’t feel comfortable taking these pictures we don’t have to. But why don’t we try this. Close your eyes. Think about all things going on in your world, everything you do or don’t want to say. The truths you wish you could scream. Keep all that in your head. And then when you open your eyes if you can, give it to me. Don’t tell me, show me. If that makes any sense.”