by Marian Tee
A moment later, Jeremy’s voice came to them, quiet and deep. “Hello, Saffi.”
She looked at Staffan pleadingly, but his expression didn’t change.
With a swallowed sob, she turned her back at Staffan. With two whispered words, Saffi felt her heart breaking all over again, and the glass bubble she had hoped would stay forever whole cracked into pieces with it.
“Hello, Jeremy.”
Chapter Twelve
I miss you, baby. I’ll miss you every day. You don’t know how much.
Sapphire March posted today at 0800H on Facebook
Staffan was coldly quiet throughout the ride back, ignoring her every overture until Saffi was forced to remain just as silent, the tears falling endlessly even as she did her best to hold them back. But when they arrived at their hotel room, she couldn’t help trying again. “Staffan, please…”
But still he ignored her, moving swiftly past the living room of their suite and going to their bedroom.
When she reached their room, Saffi was stunned to see Staffan packing. “Staffan, please, please don’t be mad.”
He did not look up as he answered, “I’m not.” He flung the wardrobe doors open. “You just fucking ceased to matter.”
The cry that came from Saffi’s lips scraped him raw, but Staffan told himself to ignore it.
“Staffan, there is nothing going on between Jeremy and me. There never was.” Saffi covered her mouth to stop her sobs.
But still Staffan didn’t look at her. He only continued to move with icy precision, taking items of his clothing from the wardrobe cabinet and dumping them on the bed.
“Staffan, I lied.”
His head shot up.
“Jeremy and I never did it---”
“WHEN WILL YOU STOP WITH THE FUCKING LIES?”
Saffi flinched at Staffan’s shout.
Staffan’s fist punched the closet door so hard it went flying, its glass front crashing against the wall.
Saffi started to cry, knowing that Staffan wasn’t as angry as he was hurt. “Staffan, I mean it,” she sobbed. “I just lied because I wanted another chance---”
“Stop! Just goddamn stop!”
She sobbed harder at the contempt on Staffan’s face.
“I just don’t want to fucking hear another word from you. I’m fucking over you – I don’t give a fuck what your family blackmails me with. You’re worse than whatever they can throw at me.”
When he started to move towards the door, she threw herself at him, unable to help it. She cried as he tried to push her away, but she clung to him as hard as she could, unwilling to let go. “Please, Staffan, please. I don’t want to lose you again---”
He froze at her words before a bitter laugh escaped him. “Lose me? You never fucking had me because the Saffi I loved was a fucking fake. There’s no real Saffi – not one goddamn real thing about you because you’re full of shit.”
Staffan’s brute strength forced her to let go and the way his cold gaze took her in made Saffi sick to her stomach. She hurt, but then she would realize that nothing would hurt as much as the next words he spoke.
“You’re the biggest fucking mistake in my life, Saffi. Because I fell for you, hook, line, and sinker – I fell for you even though you’re crazy as shit, pretending you’re a fucking groupie, talking to your fish like they can fucking talk back…” Staffan knew he was saying things he should never say, things that he didn’t even fucking mean, but he could not stop the words from pouring out. They were the only way he could stop feeling so goddamn hurt.
Over and over Chloe had lied to him, but he had let her do it because he had loved her. And in return, she had still left him in the end. He should have learned his fucking lesson from that, but he had let Saffi do so much worse to him, make him twice the fool in front of the whole goddamn world.
His own weakness made Staffan want to throw up and right now, everything about Saffi just made him hate himself more. He was so fucking weak because of this girl – a girl who didn’t even know what love was.
“I love you,” she whispered.
He could only laugh. “You don’t love me, Saffi. You love the idea of being the one fangirl who was able to catch my attention. And so you did. Like any stupid mindless sex starved cunt, you got your dream while I’m stuck with the fucking reality. Because if the child inside you is mine, then it would have a lunatic---”
His words abruptly died at the stricken look on Saffi’s face. When she started to turn away, he didn’t understand the panic that squeezed his heart. But still Staffan could not admit to it, could not allow himself to be weak again.
“Go,” he snarled. “Go run back to your family. Maybe they can buy you a husband who would be willing to stay next time!”
She disappeared from view, and the empty silence that followed suffocated him. Staffan could only stand there, waiting and just goddamn waiting for the relief to come crashing down on him.
It was over.
He and Saffi were over.
The thought choked him, and he gasped for breath.
The phone rang, and Staffan answered it, his heartbeat pounding against his chest. It had to be Saffi. She had changed her mind. She wanted to talk to him. She was going to beg him to come back---
But it was not.
“Sir, you need to come down quickly. Mrs. Aehrenthal had an accident.”
No.
No, fuck, no.
****
He felt so fucking helpless in the back of the ambulance with a pale and bleeding Saffi lying unconscious on the stretcher. Staffan gazed down at her and everything became so fucking clear in an instant, like he had been blind all his life and this one moment had gifted him with precious clarity.
But the cost of it was too fucking much.
“Saffi, please God, Saffi, wake up.” His voice broke, and with every second that she did not answer, Staffan felt his whole world closing down on him until he was all alone in the darkness.
“Please, Saffi, wake up, please.”
But she still didn’t answer and he remained alone.
****
Around him, Staffan dimly heard Saffi’s family speaking with the doctors. He didn’t give a fucking piece of shit about what they had to say. All he needed was Saffi to wake up so he could say he was sorry – he was so fucking sorry.
And that he loved her. He would always love her.
“Saffi, baby, please open your eyes.” His voice was raw from speaking for almost 24 hours. But he couldn’t stop. He felt alone and he knew if he felt like that, then she was probably feeling it too. She was all alone in her pain and he needed to find a way to pull her out of the darkness.
But she still didn’t answer.
“Son.” Pearl’s voice was reed-thin. “The doctors are saying it’s fatal…”
She was saying something else, but he couldn’t hear her. All Staffan could see was Saffi. He gripped her hand tightly. “Wake up, Saffi, please. You need to wake up.” Slowly, Staffan placed his hand on her stomach and it felt so fucking still.
His control broke.
“Saffi…” God, these fucking tears were choking him. “You two need to wake up now, Saffi. Please wake up.”
But there was still no answer and they both remained in the darkness.
Another day passed. Silver and Steel offered to relieve him, but Staffan didn’t want to leave, didn’t dare risk having Saffi wake up and think he had left her. He would never leave her again. Never.
“Saffi, baby…”
Her eyes flickered.
His heart stopped beating.
The monitor went crazy, and there was chaos all around but Staffan didn’t see any of it. Saffi’s eyes were dull with fear. “Staffan?”
He started to speak, but she shook her head. “Staffan, I can’t…” She gasped. A loud warning siren burst out from the monitor.
Saffi gazed at him in horror. “I can’t feel my baby.”
And Staffan knew then, it was his fucking payment for all the t
hings he had said and done. Saffi had come back, but she came back alone. He didn’t need to hear the doctors’ words. She knew and he knew because that baby had been theirs – and now their baby was alone in the darkness, and it was his fucking fault.
Staffan flew into a rage as the doctors tried to drag him away from Saffi’s side. Saffi started to cry and with a roar, he pushed everyone away so he could go to her. Saffi needed him and he had promised himself he would never leave her again. He didn’t want to risk her going into the darkness. He didn’t want to lose her again.
But everyone was holding him back.
Steel and Silver were the only ones who managed to drag him out of the emergency room. “I’m sorry, Staffan, I’m sorry…”
The pain in their voices made the truth real and he fell to his knees, weeping. His baby – their baby – was all alone in the dark and it was his fucking fault.
From within the room, he could hear Saffi crying, and he knew she knew their baby was lost in the darkness, too.
I’m so sorry, baby. I’m so, so sorry. It’s Daddy’s fault. It’s my fault. I’m so, so sorry.
****
“I need to see her.” Staffan wasn’t going to take ‘no’ for an answer this time. He needed to see Saffi, needed to know she wasn’t lost in the darkness like their baby. It had been days since she had woken up, days since he had to sign the papers that declared their little girl was dead.
“You can’t stonewall me forever,” he said grimly when Steel didn’t budge an inch from the door.
“If you really love my sister, then you won’t force more pain on her.”
“You don’t fucking understand. She needs me---” He shoved Steel, but Steel shoved him right back.
“Why would she need a man who almost fucking killed her?” Steel snarled.
“I LOVE HER!”
“IT’S TOO FUCKING LATE!” Steel roared back.
The door opened, and Pearl’s appearance made Steel and Staffan freeze. “Let him go, Steel,” she said quietly.
Staffan’s heartbeat became erratic. “Is Saffi---”
Pearl made a choking sound of distress.
His heart shattered. What the fuck was wrong? He rushed inside and when Saffi looked up, he knew. The brightest stars in the sky tended to die in silence, the gaping darkness swallowing it in an instant. In Saffi’s eyes, he saw that darkness and he felt like there was no way for the stars to ever come back in her eyes.
He stumbled towards her, not knowing what to say or do to make everything okay.
“Staffan.” Her voice was so thin, he had to lower himself to the chair next to her bed to hear her.
“I’m here, baby.”
She shook her head. “Staffan – our baby’s dead.”
Pain clawed him inside and out at the words. Even though he knew that, had already known for days, it fucking hurt to hear Saffi say it, knowing it was his goddamn fault their baby was gone. “I’m sorry. I’m so fucking sorry.”
She turned her head away. “It’s my fault,” she whispered. “My fault.”
“No, baby, it’s not---”
She was restless, fidgeting. Staffan stilled, panic blazing inside him as he tried to figure out what was wrong. And then Saffi turned back to face him, and he realized that she had been using all her strength to remove his ring.
He shook his head wildly. “Saffi, no, no---”
“No more lies,” she whispered and pressed her ring into his palm.
The darkness was coming back, and there was no pushing it away. “Saffi, please.” He started to weep. “Don’t fucking do this. Let me fix things. Let me love you---”
“No more lies.” She pulled her hand away, her voice lifeless. “I don’t want to see you again.”
****
The funeral mass was held a week later, with only a select number of people invited. Silver went up the podium, speaking on behalf of the March family. His voice shook as he thanked everyone who came, his message perfunctory. And at the end, he ignored every warning that his family had given him and looked at his brother-in-law. They had told him that Saffi would not be able to bear the stress of hearing Staffan speak, but he didn’t give a damn. It went against his very nature to be unfair, and his whole family was being fucking unfair to make it seem as if his sister was the only one who hurt. Staffan had lost a child, too, and whatever their differences may be, it did not stop Silver from seeing that Staffan felt the loss just as deeply as Saffi did.
Saffi stiffened as she saw who was taking the microphone from her brother. Staffan looked…he looked like he always did. Beautiful, unbearably so. But there was a haunted look in his eyes that made her want to close her eyes and wish the entire world away.
She didn’t want to see him hurt. She couldn’t bear to see him hurt. She just wanted to be alone in her pain because it was all her fault. Everything that happened was because she had lied. She had been selfish and her daughter paid the price for it.
When Staffan cleared her throat, Saffi prepared herself for the worst.
“My baby girl’s name is Lace. That was the only thing Saffi and I agreed on. If it had been a boy, he would have had a horrible name. Saffi threatened to call him Vidunder.”
From the aisle, Constantijin’s face clenched in reaction, feeling his friend’s pain. Rathe inhaled sharply.
“It means ‘monster’ in Swedish.” There were smiles at his quip, but mostly there were tears.
Staffan continued hoarsely, “So I retaliated, and I told her if that’s the way things were going to be, I was going to follow the March tradition.”
Pearl choked back a sob and her husband drew her into his arms.
“I told her that my son could also be named something like allabogdanite or sinkankasite.” More tears and laughter followed his words.
Staffan struggled to breathe. “It was basically a draw when it came to our boy’s name, but if it had been a girl – Lace…” He stopped, willing himself not to break down. “It would have been perfect. And if both of us had the fortune to spend a little more time with our baby girl, she would have been perfect.” His gaze sought Saffi’s. “Because Saffi would have made a perfect mom, and Lace would have taken after her---”
The words were too much. The pain was too much. There was no way to prepare herself for Staffan’s words and Saffi ran, needing to get far away from Staffan as possible. She stumbled at the first step and then she was falling, sobbing as she fell on her hands and knees.
When she looked up, Staffan was there.
“Saffi…”
She shook her head at him. All Saffi could here was her baby’s silent screams. Her little girl – her little Lace – was crying all alone and it was all her goddamn fault. “My fault,” she managed to gasp and the tears started falling. “It was my fault she died.”
Staffan hauled her to his arms. “No, baby, it’s not. It’s not your fault---”
She was stiff and unyielding in his arms even as she cried. She could not allow herself to draw comfort from his touch. “You don’t understand,” Saffi whispered. “I was so selfish. That one weekend when I risked everything – my father’s campaign, my betrothal to Jeremy…with my lies, I even risked hurting you and then her.”
The defeat in her voice terrified Staffan. “Look at me, baby. It’s not your fault. It could never be your fault. If it’s anyone’s fault, then it’s mine because I didn’t take care of you.”
But she still did not answer, and it felt like he was losing her all over again.
“Saffi, please…forgive me. Please say you’ll forgive me.”
He looked up at the tender touch of her hand against his cheek, but the look on her face made him swallow in fear. “I do forgive you, Staffan.”
But somehow, the words didn’t comfort him.
“But it’s my punishment to be alone, for being selfish…for being stupid…for being…” She choked the word out, “…crazy.”
He flinched. “Saffi, I didn’t mean it. I didn’t fucking
mean any of those.” His voice became desperate and urgent. “I just wanted---”
“You don’t have to explain.” She pushed him away, and she felt so fucking fragile he had to let her go, feeling like if he kept holding her, Saffi would break.
She came to her feet like she was broken inside and her limbs weren’t working like they should be.
He remained on his knees. “Saffi, I love you. Please. I love you.”
“I need a divorce. I don’t just want it, Staffan.” And then she was begging him too, and with that tone Staffan knew he would give her anything she asked for, even if it meant killing a part of him. “I need that divorce.”
Chapter Thirteen
Good morning. Just had a tuna sandwich for breakfast – too much work to do. Don’t ask why. I can’t tell.
Twitter: Official_Staffan_Aehrenthal
“He’s blackmailing me?” Saffi choked out a month later. Constantijin’s politely worded request to meet with her had initially made her wary. Her lawyers had been doing their best to get Staffan to sign the divorce papers to no avail. She had feared that Constantijin would plead his case, but instead what he was asking her to do – what he was telling her Staffan wanted Saffi to do – left her completely bemused.
Constantijin’s face remained expressionless although his eyes were sympathetic. “No, Saffi. All he wants is for you to agree to his terms. And if you do, then at the end of the time period, you will have your divorce.”
“What does he want? That we stay married?”
He shook his head.
She wasn’t even hurt. These days, she would be lucky if she felt a thing. “Then what?”
“He wants you to temporarily take over as the P.A. to Celsius.”
She could only look at Constantijin dumbly.
Seeing her dumbfounded gaze, he repeated his words patiently. It hurt to see his friend’s wife look so frail and thin. He had no idea if Staffan’s plan would work, but for both their sakes he hoped it would. Saffi was close to needing an intervention by the looks of it, and Staffan didn’t look any much better.