by T. A. Roth
“Okay . . . yeah, I’m still here.” I hear the crack in his voice and fear plagues me.
“When can she have visitors? Okay . . . okay . . . yeah. Thanks for calling me.”
He hangs up the phone and all color has drained from his face. His eyes well up and a look of complete dread crosses his face. I run over to him and pull him in for a hug.
“What’s the matter? What happened?” He pulls away from me. He can’t seem to stand still.
“That was my uncle. My grandmother passed out. She was rushed to the hospital, and she’s still unresponsive. Her neighbor found her. They don’t know how long she’s been out.” He’s tugging at his hair and pacing.
“What hospital? I’ll go with you.”
“She’s at Huntington Memorial. The neighbor panicked and couldn’t find my number. She called my uncle. He’s not even in town.” He lets out a heavy sigh. I grab a pair of jeans and a sweatshirt and begin to get dressed.
“They’re running a ton of tests right now. She’s stable, but they have her in the ICU.” I finish getting dressed and walk over to him. He’s dazed.
“Ben, you need to get dressed so we can go. I’ll drive, okay.” He nods, and I hand him his clothes.
He’s quiet on the drive over. I can’t imagine what’s going through his head. I know this is why he was scared to move out and leave her alone. I reach over the center console and squeeze his hand.
“Hey.” He pulls his gaze away from the window to look at me. “It’s going to be okay. You couldn’t have stopped this even if you were still living there.”
“I know. I just hate the fact that she was alone. What if the neighbor hadn’t come over and found her? I should have been there.” I bring his hand up to my lips and kiss his knuckles. He lets out a heavy sigh and shifts his gaze back toward the window.
BEN
My thoughts are so scattered that I don’t even realize the car has stopped.
“We’re here,” she says. I can’t move. Ari comes around the car and opens my door. My limbs feel like lead.
“Come on.” She reaches her hand out, and helps pull me to my feet.
We walk into the main lobby, and the smell of bleach and antiseptic immediately turns my stomach. Ari walks us over to the information desk.
“Hi, for Rosemarie Rodriguez, please,” I say. The security guard at the desk types her name into the computer system and hands us two badges.
“It’s the third elevator on the right. Follow the blue line down this hallway.” Ari nods her head to the guard and grabs my hand for me to follow. I’m like one of the zombies from the Walking Dead.
We get into the elevator. As the doors close, she turns, cups my face, and places a small kiss on my lips. I pull her into a tight hug. The scent and warmth of her body calms me.
We’re walking toward the nurses’ station when my grandmother’s neighbor comes running out of the waiting area.
“Ben . . .” She walks over and pulls me into a hug. “Mijo, I’m so sorry. I panicked and I couldn’t find your phone number. I just grabbed her phone book and cal-”
I hug her back fighting the lump in my throat.
“It’s okay. He called me as soon as he got off the phone with you. Have they told you anything?” She shakes her head.
“No, they just brought her back to her room but they were waiting for immediate family to get here before they would say anything.” I bend down and kiss her cheek.
“Okay, I’m going to go find out. Ruth, this is my girlfriend, Ari. Ari, this is Ruth, my grandmother’s neighbor.” I leave them to continue their introductions and walk over to the nurses’ station.
“Hi, I need some information on Rosemarie Rodriguez, please.”
The nurse types something into her computer. “And you are?”
“I’m her grandson, Benjamin Rodriguez.”
“Okay, go ahead and take a seat in the waiting area. I will get the doctor to talk to you shortly.”
I nod. “Thank you.”
When I get back to the waiting area, Ruth is sitting next to Ari explaining what happened. They both stand when they see me walk in.
“They’re sending a doctor in to talk to me.” They both nod nervously.
Ruth has a rosary in her hand and closes her eyes to pray silently. I sit next to Ari, and she grips my hand and rubs the top with her thumb. After what feels like an eternity, the doctor walks into the waiting area. He looks down at his chart then looks over at the three of us.
“For Rosemarie Rodriguez.”
I stand. “Yes. I’m her grandson Ben.”
He walks over and shakes my hand. “Hi, Ben. I’m Doctor Bishop. I’m the doctor on call taking care of your grandmother. We’re not sure what caused her to faint, but we did notice some swelling in her abdomen. We’re waiting for the results of her labs and CT scan to determine what is causing it. She may be asleep for a while due to the pain medication we administered. She has a few bumps and bruises from her fall, but other than that, she is stable. We should have some more information for you later this afternoon.”
“Can I see her?”
“Sure. Go to the nurses’ station and they will take you back.”
“Thank you.” Ari squeezes my hand.
“Go ahead. I’ll stay with Ruth.”
I walk into her room and hear the steady beep of the machines. She’s still asleep and has a bandage over her right eyebrow. I pull a chair next to her bed and hold her hand. I notice some bruising on her forearm and her hand is swollen. I watch as her chest rises and falls. She has a tube in her nose providing oxygen. I rest my head on her hand and say a prayer. It’s been a long time since I had a conversation with God, so I hope he’s listening.
The loud beeping of one of the machines wakes me up. A nurse rushes in to turn it off and changes her IV bag. I must have dozed off. I look over at my grandmother, and she hasn’t moved. I get up to stretch my legs and remember that I left Ari in the waiting area.
I turn to the nurse. “Has she woken up?”
“No. But it’s normal with the medication we gave her.”
I nod. ”Okay, I’m going to step out for a few minutes. Will it be okay to come back?”
“Yes, that’s fine.”
I walk through the automatic door into the waiting area. Ari is curled up on one of the chairs asleep. I go over and run a hand through her hair, making her jump.
“It’s me. I’m sorry, baby, I didn’t mean to scare you.” I bring her into my arms and hug her tightly. After what she confessed last night, I feel like an ass.
“It’s okay.” She pulls back to look at me. “How is she?”
“She’s still asleep. They said it was normal because of the medication. I’m sorry I didn’t come out sooner. I fell asleep.”
“No, don’t worry about it. Ruth kept me company for a while, but she looked really tired. I told her to go home and that you would call her as soon as you knew something.”
I pull her back into my chest, resting my cheek on top of her head.
“Thank you for being here.” She wraps her hands around my waist giving me a tight squeeze.
“Of course, where else would I be.”
I love her.
ARI
We hold each other for a few minutes. “Do you need me to get you anything? Are you hungry? Do you want coffee?” I ask.
I’m full of nervous energy. I’m surprised I could fall asleep. Sensing I need to walk, he smiles and grabs my hand.
“Sure, I could use something. Let me tell them I’ll be downstairs and to call me if there’s any change.”
We walk down to the cafeteria and grab a sandwich and some coffee. I don’t have the energy to tell my parents what’s going on and why I won’t be over. I decide to text Amelie. I give her a brief explanation and tell her that I’ll call them later. Ben is quiet. I’m sure his mind is going over every possible scenario. The doctor was vague on her prognosis and not knowing is probably driving him nuts. We finish our food
and quickly head back upstairs.
We exit the elevators and notice the doctor standing at the nurses’ station.
“Hi, Doctor Bishop. Do you have any more information on my grandmother’s condition?” The doctor grabs her chart and rubs the back of his neck.
“Let’s sit. Is there anyone else you would like to call? Your parents or any siblings?”
Ben shakes his head, dismissing his question.
The doctor clears his throat. “Your grandmother is very ill. A mass showed up on her CT scan. The blood tests are confirming it’s a tumor.”
A rush of air leaves his chest. I squeeze his hand and a lump forms in the back of my throat.
“Normally, we would be able to perform surgery but because of her age, we don’t think it’s a good idea. The largest mass is showing up on her pancreas. There were also some smaller masses on her liver and lymph nodes. This leads us to believe that it has metastasized. Dr. Prescott, our gastroenterologist, and Dr. Nguyen, our oncologist, are reviewing her chart now.”
“What does that mean?” Ben asks.
“The labs came back positive for cancer. The size of the mass on her pancreas leads us to believe it started there and spread,” Dr. Bishop answers.
We both sit there dumbfounded. What do you say after that?
“Okay, so what now?” he asks.
“The doctors will review her scans and determine how advanced the cancer is. In the meantime, we continue to keep her comfortable.”
We sit stunned in silence.
“I know this is a lot of information to process, Mr. Rodriguez. Do you have any questions?” Ben shakes his head.
“Okay, I will stay on as your grandmother’s primary physician. Dr. Prescott and Dr. Nguyen will be in to see her as soon as they finish reviewing her tests. They can answer any questions you may think of later.”
Ben doesn’t say anything and continues to stare off into space.
I look up at the doctor and smile. ”Thank you.”
He gives us a sympathetic smile and walks away. I place my hand on Ben’s back. He slumps forward, rubbing his neck.
“What do I do, Ari?”
I’m not sure what to say. What do you tell someone who just had their world knocked upside down?
“You spend as much time with her as possible. You continue to love her and try to get through this the best you can, and I’ll be with you every step of the way.”
He sits up and takes a shuddering breath.
“Thank you.” He stands and pulls me into a hug. “I’m going to go see if she’s awake.”
“Okay, I’ll be right here.” He presses a soft kiss to my lips.
“No babe, go home. You’re exhausted. It’s been a rough day, and I’m not sure how long I’m going to be in there. I don’t want you sitting out here alone. Go get some sleep and I’ll call you.”
I don’t want to add to his stress by arguing. “Are you sure? I don’t mind waiting.”
“I’m positive.”
I don’t want to leave him, but I know he’s right. “Okay. But please call me if you need anything. I’ll be back to get you whenever you’re ready.”
He gives me another soft kiss and walks me to the elevator. The car reaches our floor, ready to take me down to the lobby.
“I’ll call you later, okay,” he says as the doors get ready to close.
I smile and give him a small nod. As soon as the elevator doors close, I allow my tears to flow freely.
BEN
Cancer . . . It’s the worst word in the English language. I feel helpless. I know we all have to go sometime, but I’m selfish. She won’t see me graduate. She won’t see me get married. She won’t be here to hold my first-born. It’s too much. I need to pull it together and check on her. I scrub a hand across my face and walk toward her room.
She’s awake. She’s talking to the nurse. A bright smile spreads across her face when she sees me in the doorway.
“You’re here.”
I nod my head and force my mouth to smile. Besides the bumps and bruises, you would never know she was seriously ill. That’s the thing with certain cancers. They creep up on you, showing no sign until it’s too late.
“Hi, Nana.”
She waves me over. “Come here, mijo, sit.”
I sit in the chair beside her and hold her hand. “How are you feeling?”
“I’m okay. The medicine is helping. I don’t know what happened. I was going into the kitchen and started feeling dizzy. I held onto the counter then I woke up here.”
I flinch at her words and lean in to kiss her cheek. “I’m sorry you were alone. I should have never let y-”
“No. You don’t get to blame yourself. You have a life, and it wasn’t going to include taking care of me. So, stop. I’m fine.”
“But you’re not. You’re here and you were alone.” My voice cracks.
She’s about to protest when I hear someone enter the room.
“Good afternoon. Mrs. Rodriguez, I’m Dr. Nguyen and this is Dr. Prescott. We would like to talk to you about why you’re here.”
I squeeze her hand gently. She looks at me then at the doctor.
“Okay.”
They repeat everything that Dr. Bishop told me—not leaving out any details. A wave of nausea hits my stomach, but she’s stoic. She doesn’t even bat an eyelash when they tell her that she has stage four cancer and that the tumor on her pancreas is inoperable. Did she already know? She would have told me, right?
When the doctor is finished and asks if she has any questions, she looks at me and smiles.
“When can I go home? I don’t want to be here. I want to enjoy the time I have left.”
“We would like you to stay for a few days. After that, we will have someone come in to give you some information about home care,” Dr. Nguyen answers. She nods. I stand up to shake their hands, and they exit the room.
“You haven’t been feeling sick before this, have you?” I ask.
She looks toward the window and sighs. “I’ve had a few stomach cramps here and there. It was nothing. I didn’t want to worry you.” Fuck.
“I’m moving back in for a while,” I say angrily, and she looks back at me panicked.
“This is exactly why I didn’t mention anything. I told you, I don’t want to interrupt your life,” she argues.
“Stop, school is almost out, and I was going to have to leave the fraternity house anyway. You shouldn’t have been alone.”
“Fine mijo, whatever you want to do.” She squeezes my hand, and I hear the crack in her voice.
“We’re going to get you the best care possible. Okay. Everything is going to be fine.”
“Okay.” She leans her head against the pillows and releases a resolved sigh. A few minutes later, she picks her head up and looks at me.
“The girl you told me about. How are things between you?”
I chuckle. “Really?”
“Hey, I don’t have that much time left. I want to know that you’re happy and that you’ve picked the right girl. When can I meet her?”
I smile and shake my head, pretending that what she said didn’t just break my heart. “She’ll be back. I sent her home to rest for a while.”
“You should go, too. You look like you haven’t slept. You have school, and I need you to finish. Go. I’m fine.”
“Okay. Don’t get all worked up. Let’s get you something to eat and then I’ll go.”
ARI
I’M EXHAUSTED. I WALK INTO my apartment and head straight for the shower. After washing off the hospital smell, I slip on my favorite pajamas and hop into bed. I set my phone alarm and place it on the nightstand.
I wake up feeling too warm. I flutter my eyes open, and Ben’s scent surrounds me. I look down and his arm is wrapped around my waist. His soft breath brushes against my neck. I turn to face him and run my fingers through his inky black strands. A soft moan escapes him.
“How did you get back?” I whisper.
“I
called Uber. My grandmother kicked me out. Basically told me that I looked like shit and to go home and get some rest. I didn’t want to wake you up.”
He keeps his eyes closed. I lean in and give him a quick kiss.
“I must have been tired. I didn’t hear you come in or take a shower.”
“Mmmm . . . You looked so peaceful. I was hoping not to scare you when I crawled in next to you.”
“You didn’t. When do you have to go back?”
“I told her we would bring her dinner. She can’t eat anything fancy. I thought maybe we could take her some soup or something.”
My eyebrows knit in confusion. Did he say we?
He opens his eyes. “She wants to meet you. Will you come with me later?”
I nod nervously. “Of course.”
He kisses my forehead and closes his eyes. “Now can you shut up, I’m tired.” I smack his chest, and he chuckles pulling me closer.
The sound of the foghorn alarm startles both of us. We shoot up from the bed, and I notice it’s getting dark outside.
He rubs the sleep from his eyes. “What time is it?”
I reach over to get my phone off the nightstand. I have a few missed calls and text messages from my family. “It’s six o’clock.”
“Shit, we better get going.”
I yawn dramatically and slide out of bed running a hand through my tangled hair. I have no time to ponder over my wardrobe, so I throw on a pair of jeans and t-shirt. I slide on my Toms and throw my hair up in a ponytail.
I put on some face powder, a coat of mascara, and tinted lip balm in the car. I hope his grandmother appreciates natural, ‘cause that’s what she’s getting. We stop and pick up some soup for her and burgers for ourselves. As we pull up into the parking lot, my leg starts to do a nervous bounce. I’m staring out the window, wringing my hands, when the car stops. Ben pulls my attention when he places his hands on mine.
“Hey, look at me. Stop worrying. She’ll love you.” He leans in and gives me a quick kiss. “Come on.”
He holds my hand and leads us into the hospital. We stop to get our visitors badges and head up to her floor. As we turn the corner into her room, Ben abruptly stops, making me bump into him.
“Mom? What are you doing here?”