by T. A. Roth
“So . . . fucking . . . good,” he whispers into the crook of my neck.
He pulls out slowly, and I whimper at the loss. “Shhhh . . . I’ll be right back.” I can’t move. I’m completely spent. My eyes close, and I hear him walk back into the room. I feel a warm cloth against my skin as he gently cleans between my legs.
“Are you cold?” he asks.
The coolness of the room against my now damp skin causes a chill, but it’s more than that. I’m overwhelmed. My heart rate picks up and panic sets in. I love him. If I’ve ever doubted what I felt before, this just sealed the deal. I think he might feel the same. We didn’t make love. Nothing about what we just did was soft and romantic. It was frantic, hungry, and needy. We claimed each other tonight, with our lips and our bodies. He belongs to me, and I don’t need the words to know that I belong to him.
BEN
I wake up to the feel of Ari’s warm breath whispering across my chest. Her arm is wrapped around my waist, and our legs are a tangled mess. It’s early. The sun is just starting to rise casting shades of red and orange throughout the room. She’s so beautiful, and I can’t imagine a better way to wake up. The thought is a little scary. This would have never crossed my mind a few months ago. The old me would have been gone before she had a chance to put her panties back on.
She’s worked her way into my black heart, and I don’t plan to let her go. She’s it for me. She’s mine. If last night didn’t prove that, then the three words that have been stuck on my tongue will. “I love you,” I whisper into her hair. See that wasn’t so bad. I try it again. “I love you.” She begins to stir, and my heart rate picks up. “Hmmm . . .” I shut my eyes like a coward and try to steady my breathing. The doubt creeps in. What if it’s too soon? What if she doesn’t feel the same? I feel her pull her head away from my chest.
“You awake?” she asks groggily.
I yawn and rub my eyes pretending to have just woken up. “What?” I ask.
“I think you were talking in your sleep.”
“I was? What was I saying?” I ask holding my breath.
“I’m not sure. I just felt your chest rumble against my ear.”
I exhale slowly. “Hmm . . . I don’t know.” Fucking coward.
I took my last final today, turned in my last paper, and that’s all she wrote. I’m done. The frat is having its annual end of the year party tonight. I didn’t want to leave Nana alone, but she practically kicked me out of the house. She’s starting to look sick now. She has purple shadows under her eyes, and she’s still fighting with her nurses. She doesn’t want to take her medication. It helps with the pain but being in and out of sleep all day frustrates her.
Finding time to spend with Ari has been a struggle. Between studying for finals and her hectic work schedule, we’ve barely had a chance to see each other. She thought that after the anniversary party was over, things would slow down. Turns out the trial date for Timothy Lemon’s case was moved up. She’s been working late every night for the last two weeks. We’ve snuck in a few lunches and I’ve dropped off dinner, but we haven’t spent the night together in what seems like forever. The frat is having a party tonight, and although Ari is hesitant to come, she promised to stop by on her way home.
I grab a beer and catch up with some of the guys. It’s early and people are slowly starting to trickle in. I haven’t drank in a while and the faint buzz of my fourth beer starts to take effect. The guys line up a row of shot glasses across the counter.
“Come on, Rodriguez, you’re up.”
“Just one,” I yell back. I check my watch, and it’s almost nine. “Where is she?” I mumble. At this rate, I’m gonna be shitfaced by the time she gets here. I pick up my shot glass and wait for the count. I toss it back and let the slow burn of the tequila work itself down my throat. I wince and shake my head as I suck my lime wedge.
“Uno mas,” someone yells out.
“Fuck it,” I call out and the guys begin to pump their fists and whistle. The second shot goes down a little smoother. My belly begins to warm and my limbs feel a lot looser. I hit the top of the counter signaling that I’m tapping out. A big roar of “Aww” lets out behind me as I walk away.
The house is starting to fill up. I go out back to get some air and grab another beer out of the ice chest. I see Paul and make my way over.
“What’s up, bro?” He bumps my fist as I approach.
“Where have you been?” he asks.
“Grandma’s been sick. I moved in to help out.” I don’t really want to elaborate, and I’m glad he takes the hint and changes the subject. We start to talk about his plans after graduation when I hear the back door slam.
“What’s up?” Jake yells.
Maria trails behind him, and I take that as my cue to leave.
“Good talking to you.” I pat Paul on the back and walk back into the house. I feel Maria’s eyes on me but don’t even glance in her direction. I send Ari a text asking where she is and head up the stairs to my room to wait for her response.
It’s ten and the party is officially out of control. Drinks are flowing and everyone is feeling really good. I check my phone again. Nothing. I sit in my desk chair and zone out. Funny how just a few months ago, I’d be drunk off my ass with some nameless coed keeping my bed warm. Now I’m pacing around like some chick, staring at my cell.
I’m lost in thought as warm hands start rubbing my shoulders, and for a split second, I think it’s Ari. The familiar smell of perfume mixed with alcohol wafts thru the air and I stiffen.
“Are you mad at me?” I turn around to see Maria with what I used to think was a sexy pout. Her gray eyes are hazy from her obvious buzz. Her hands begin a lazy trek down my chest.
“Want some company?” What the fuck. I don’t need this shit right now.
“I’m good, and you’re drunk, so why don’t you get back to Jake.”
She shakes her head. ”You know he can’t satisfy me like you can.” She comes around the chair and plops herself down onto my lap. She’s too quick for my tequila-induced reflexes. She licks her lips and continues to rub her palms up and down my chest. I hold her wrists to stop her and her eyes light up with excitement.
“Hmmm, you know I like it when you’re rough.”
I try to keep my temper in check. “I said I’m all good Maria! Now get the fuck off my lap and go back to the party!”
I release her hands so that I could stand and she uses the opportunity to work her hand to the back of my neck and seals her mouth to mine. I cup her cheeks to pull away.
“What the fuck?” I snap, finally standing.
She wipes at the sides of her lips and grins at me wickedly. “Oops. I think your girlfriend is mad.”
I look at her blankly. “What?” It takes a few seconds for the realization to set in. I heard a gasp and the sound of retreating steps but I was too stunned to put two and two together.
“FUCK!” I roar and turn to run after her. My heart is racing. No fucking way. I get to the bottom step and the party seems to have tripled in size. I elbow my way through the crowd trying desperately to get to the front door. I see the back of her head as she’s about to walk out and I yell out to her. “Ari . . . Ari . . . wait . . .”
ARI
I shove my way through the drunk crowd. The house is packed and getting to the nearest exit seems almost impossible. I will my shaky limbs to keep moving. The knot in my throat burns. I hear Ben’s voice shouting over the music.
I look over my shoulder, and there is a look of sheer panic on his face. I push my way even harder. I can’t talk to him. I want to hurt him. I knew this would happen. How could I be so fucking stupid? I thought he’d changed.
My hands are trembling so bad it’s making it almost impossible to fish out my car keys. Ben is stuck in the crowd, and he’s trying frantically to get to me.
“Wait . . . Wait . . .” I hear him yell out again.
I get out the front door and take off in a sprint. If he catches up to
me, I might hit him. That bitch’s face is playing on loop in my head. She finally got what she wanted and that smile said it all. She won. I question everything that’s happened the last few months. Was she telling the truth? Was he playing both of us? Telling me one thing and her another?
I get inside my car, and a small stream of tears makes their way down my cheek. I put the key in the ignition and the pounding on the window makes me jump.
“Please . . . please . . . Ari . . .” His face is pale. He’s desperate and frantic. ”I can explain . . . please, baby . . . just . . .” I wipe the tears with the back of my hand and shake my head. I look up at him with watery eyes.
“I can’t. Just go back to the party, Ben.” He’s relentless. He continues to tap on the window and pulls at the door handle.
I put the car in drive and slowly pull away. He jumps back when he realizes that I’m not going to open the door. I look through the rearview mirror at his slumped form and the dam breaks.
BEN
I watch as the red taillights fade into the darkness. My heart just left with her. The only girl I’ve ever loved just drove away. She thinks I cheated on her. I can’t blame her for not believing me. If I had seen what she just witnessed, I would have thought the same thing. But she wouldn’t let me explain.
I’m standing in the middle of the street, and my panic quickly turns to anger. That bitch. That fucking bitch played me. I’m shaking from the anger that’s running through my veins. I need to find her.
I stalk back to the house, and Paul is blocking my entrance. He presses a hand to my chest. “You’re pissed, man. I get it, but you don’t want to do anything stupid.”
“Move,” I growl as I shoulder past him. I scan the room looking for her. Paul is still close behind. I hear her laughing in my usual corner. Her back is to me, and she’s talking to a group of her sorority sisters, as if she just didn’t ruin my life. Their eyes widen as I approach her. She takes notice and turns around a smug smile on her face.
“We need to talk . . . NOW,” I grit. She doesn’t even flinch.
“Of course, baby.” She reaches out to place a hand on my chest.
I step away from her and walk to the other end of the house. She follows close behind. I’m trying to calm my murderous rage. Finding a quiet spot to talk is almost impossible. I finally go out back. The few people hanging out see my face and quickly rush inside. I turn around to face her with my arms crossed in front of my chest. I’m seething.
“What the fuck was that about, Maria?”
She has the balls to look affronted. “What do you mean? C’mon, it was only a kiss, Ben. We’ve done worse. Little Ms. Perfect will get over it.”
I take a step forward. “And if she doesn’t? What the fuck were you hoping for? I told you that we were done. You don’t get it with your constant texts and showing up. What the fuck do you want? It’s over. We’re done. How many times do I have to spell it out for you? We. Are. Fucking. Done.”
She takes a step toward me, shoving a finger into my chest.
“Because you said so? You made the decision, and you didn’t even ask how I felt about it. I was in this too, you know. For two fucking years, I stood by and watched you fuck other girls. I put in the time. I pretended to be okay with it. I figured you’d finally get bored and see me. I got rid of most of them. I was becoming your constant. Then this random girl walks in and you drop me, without even a second fucking thought. Dismissed. What did you expect? That I’d just go away. That I wouldn’t fight for you?”
She’s screaming and a small crowd forms to watch the show.
“You can’t fight for something that was never yours to begin with. When will you get that through your head? I’m sorry if you expected more, but I never promised you that. I never broke a promise to you because I didn’t make any.”
She starts to cry, and I’m just too angry to care. I walk around her to go into the house.
“Ben.” I should keep on walking, but I turn to look at her.
“I’m sorry.”
I step in front of her again and meet her eyes. “You expect me to believe that after all the shit you’ve pulled? You got exactly what you wanted. She’s gone. The first and only girl I’ve ever loved just drove away thinking that I cheated on her. Happy? You don’t know what sorry is. But I guarantee you’ll find out if I don’t get her back.”
She places her hands over her face and begins to sob. I turn to walk inside and let the screen door slam behind me. A small audience stares at me. The friends she was talking to rush past me and go out to console her. I shoulder past everyone and go to my car. Tonight’s events have quickly sobered me up. I call Ari; it rings once and goes to voicemail. I try again and this time it doesn’t even ring. Her sweet voice comes on the line asking me to leave a message.
My mind is racing. This can’t be over. I won’t let her go. I should have told her that I loved her. I start the car and just go. My thoughts are all over the place. I pull up to her apartment. Her car is parked in her space, and I let out a sigh of relief knowing she’s safe. I walk to her front door saying a silent prayer that she’ll answer. I knock a few times and nothing. I contemplate using my key, but I don’t want to force my way in. I try knocking a few more times and still nothing. I need to see her. I need to explain.
My hands are shaking while I unlock her front door. The lamp in the living room is on and her purse, keys, and cell phone are lying on the coffee table. I make my way down the hall and I can hear the sobs coming from her bedroom. I fucking did this to her. My chest aches. I knock on her bedroom door gently.
“Ari?” The crying stops, and it takes a few beats until she answers.
“Go away, Ben.”
“Ari, please let me explain.”
“I don’t want to hear it. I’m done. We’re done. Leave my key and go.”
“Baby, please open the door.”
The door swings open, slamming against the wall. Her eyes are red and swollen. She wipes at her streaming tears with the back of her hand.
“Never call me that again. You lost the right the minute you let that bitch put her mouth on you.”
“I didn’t . . . It wasn’t . . .” I can’t form a full sentence.
“It wasn’t what? It wasn’t your ex-fuck sitting on your lap with her tongue down your throat and your hands on her. Is that what didn’t happen. Save your bullshit for someone else, Ben. I’m done. Get. Out.” She slams the door in my face and locks it behind her.
I stand there dumbfounded. Everything I want to say is stuck in my throat. I rub at the tightening in my chest. I press my forehead to the door and the heart-wrenching sobs begin again. I love her. She’ll never know because I was too much of a coward to tell her. This can’t be the end. I won’t accept that.
“Ari . . . Please. We promised. We promised each other we would hear each other out. You have to believe me. There was nothing going on.” I hear her walk toward the door, and I pray she’ll open it.
“That’s not what I saw Ben. You had your hands on her face. It’s the way you hold mine when you kiss me. Do you know how fucked up that is? I can’t unsee that. It’s been on a constant loop since I drove away,” she says from behind the door.
“Please. . . . please open the door. I need to hold you . . . please.”
“I can’t . . . I can’t even look at you right now. Please just go.”
“Ari . . . this isn’t the end. I won’t accept that. Do you hear me? You can’t quit us. I’ll figure out a way to make you believe me.”
She doesn’t answer. I wait, knowing she’s too stubborn and angry to talk to me tonight. I do as she asked and leave her key on the coffee table, locking the door behind me.
Sitting in my car, I mull over the night’s events. What should have been a celebration turned into a complete nightmare. My phone lights up and for a split second I think it may be Ari. I see Beverly’s name instead and my stomach drops. She would only call me if it were an emergency. This night couldn’t po
ssibly get any worse. My hands are shaking as I answer her call and I say a quick prayer that it’s not what my mind is telling me it is. “Hello.”
ARI
I could barely hear the knocking on my door over my depressing bridge jumping playlist I’ve had on repeat for the last week.
A week . . . It’s been a full week since my heart was ripped out of my chest. I’ve ignored every phone call, text, and visitor. I’m barely existing. I get up, shower, throw on God knows what, and drive to work. My bosses have been too busy to notice. As long as I do my work, they don’t bother me. The only interaction I’ve had is the occasional work call or concerned look and question from Hilda. I know I look like I’ve been hit by a truck, but she just accepts the pathetic nod I give her every time she asks if I’m okay.
Everyone else has made sure to stay out of my way. I know not talking about it won’t change the reality, but it’s the only way I’m getting through it. If you want to call what I’ve been doing getting through it. The minutes and hours have ticked by in slow motion.
The pounding gets louder, and I can’t decipher if it’s my brain trying to escape my body or someone at the front door.
“I hear the music. I know you’re in there. Open the damn door, Ari.” Vonne’s voice breaks through the heart-wrenching melody.
I wait, pull the fuzzy blanket I’ve been wrapped in over my head, and hope she’ll get the hint and go away. The sound of keys jingling immediately makes me regret giving her a set for emergencies. My apartment is like a tomb, the bright light creeping in from the opening door temporarily blinds me. I squint and make out the outline of two people. When my eyes come into focus, I realize it’s Vonne and my sister Amelie.
I slowly lift my chin and the worried looks on their faces makes the dam burst.
“Oh shit,” Vonne whispers.
She makes her way over to the couch and pulls me into a hug. I don’t even have the energy to move my arms. I lay my head on her lap, and she runs her hand through my unwashed hair.
“It’s okay . . . it’s gonna be okay,” she repeats.