by Annie Brewer
My nails bite into my palms. “What did he do?” I’m staring at the wall in front of me with my arms crossed. I move my head, meeting her puzzled eyes. “And don’t lie to me.”
“What did who do?”
I get to my feet and pace the room. “Mom, it’s late and I’m tired. I can’t sleep and right now, I’m not in the mood for games.” I stop to pause in front of her. “Tell. Me. What. Dad. Did.”
Her eyes widen once my assumption sinks in. She shakes her head, reaching for me. “This isn’t about your dad, Ky. Sit down.”
I don’t. “Then why the look of torment or uncertainty on your face? Like you’re afraid to tell me something.”
“Sit. Down.” My mom doesn’t use a forceful tone often, so when she does, she means business. I listen, feeling slightly relaxed, though not completely. “I have this look on my face only because of how you may react.” I wait to hear what she has to say before opening my mouth. “I’ve been in contact with Pam,” she starts. “Addie’s aunt. It seems she’s staying with her right now. She took off time from school and Patty took her in as a temporary solution.”
I nod slowly, knowing part of that to be true.
Her face shows conflicting emotions, but she presses on. “Patty has to go out of town and can’t take her with.” I start to see where she’s going with this, knowing what my mom is suggesting before saying it. “I told Patty she could come here if needed.”
“Do you really think that’s a good idea?”
She pats my leg. “I know you’re against it…for whatever reason, even though you two were so close.” If she only knew the truth. “But I want to help her and her family. They’re going through a rough time and Addie isn’t handling it so well.”
I reach across the bed for my cell to show my mom the messages, handing it to her. “Addie’s been in contact with me,” I say, throwing myself back against the mattress.
She reads through them and gives me a pointed look when she finishes. “And you never responded? To any of them?”
I shrug, not having an answer.
“Kyler, what happened?”
Taking the phone back, I plug it up to the charger. “I don’t know, Mom. Maybe the fact that I don’t want her part of my life—because of dad—has something to do with it.” It’s such a lame excuse, but it’s all I have. “I just thought she’d grow tired of reaching out to me with no response and move on.”
My mom catches the emotion in my voice and soothingly rubs a hand up and down my back for comfort. “Sweetie, she cares too much about you to give up.” She takes my hand in hers, something she hasn’t done since I was younger, and gives me a tiny smile. “She needs you now. Her life back home is falling apart, and from what I hear, her friends don’t know how to help.”
I actually laugh, and it surprises my mom, but I can’t help it. I muffle the sound with my hand but keep laughing because it’s so funny. When I calm myself down enough, I shake my head. I run my fingers through my hair and stare at the floor. “You think I honestly know how the fuck to help her? The fact that you think I can do anything for her pisses me off.” I’m trying to keep my temper in check, but it’s hard. She knew Addie planned to come here and she didn’t divulge this information to me?
Her hand squeezes the hand that is resting on my knee and I realize how different in sizes they are. Mine could swallow both of hers. “I’m sorry, Ky. I’m not saying you can help her, but she needs a place to get away, so I figured this is the best place for her to escape for a few days.” Shit, she’s coming and I have no choice but to accept it. My mom goes on. “She just needs someone to talk to.” She gives one last squeeze before rising to her feet. I watch her walk away, and when she reaches the door, she turns back to me with a small smile. “It might be nice for you to see her again.”
My mom leaves my room and now I can’t sleep for different reasons. What will it be like seeing her again? Will my feelings for her be gone? Will it be easier to be around her then, as my best friend? Can I even call us that anymore? I’ve been a shitty friend, I know that. I turn on my TV and search for something to watch. I can’t stop my train of thought from going to her. My nerves at seeing her again run wild in my stomach, making me sick with a sense of dread…but also a strange sense of thrill. I hope her hair is still long enough to braid down the middle of her back. That was how she usually wore it. Either that or two braids. And sometimes pigtails. Oh, but she’s not a little girl anymore, so I doubt she wears her hair like Pippy Longstocking.
I finally doze off sometime late in the night, my phone in my hand.
***
After waking up, taking a shower, and grabbing a quick bite to eat for a late breakfast, I drive to Brent’s house and spend most of the day there. We play one-on-one basketball to pass the time. I’m sucking and he’s noticing, but my head’s not in the game. It’s never in the game these days. I dribble the ball back and forth between my legs, thinking I’ll psych him out, only to slip and the ball is taken from me. He dribbles it down the court and makes a jump shot.
I fold my hands behind my head with a hard grip, letting out a shout of frustration. “Fuck!”
He grabs the ball, throwing it to me. I don’t catch it or try to keep it from hitting my chest. I just grunt and throw my hands out in front of me. “I’m done.”
“Come on, Ky. You just need to get your head in the game.”
I shake my head, squeezing the water bottle in my hand. “What for? I’m off the team.” I squirt cool water on my face and into my mouth. “It doesn’t matter.”
He sits down on the bench—because every basketball court has to have one—and leans forward to re-lace his shoes. “You can try out for next year.”
“Dude, my grades have been shit. I’ll never—”
He reclines back and gives me a stern look. “Dude, quit being such a negative Nancy. You can get your grades up and get back on the team. I know you can.” I’m not sure I want to anymore.
With a sigh of defeat, I drop down onto the bench below Brent and hold my head in my hands. “Shelly’s pissed at me,” I say for no apparent reason other than to hear myself talk. It doesn’t bother me that much—I mean, I feel like an ass for upsetting her. But she knows how I am…I have never led her to believe I wanted more than sex. Maybe I’m just scared of losing that connection to someone, even if it’s only purely physical?
He looks at me with an I know you’re full of shit expression, seeing right through me. “That’s not what this is about, is it?”
I light a cigarette, avoiding eye contact while I think of a response. Sweat clings to my skin and hair so I get up to pour some water over my head, shaking it all out like a dog but careful not to get the butt of my cigarette wet. I shiver a little, but it feels good. Then I sit back down. “I talked to my mom last night.”
“And?” He nods for me to continue.
I blurt out. “I’m gonna pick Addie up at the airport tonight.” Originally my mother was going to do it, but somehow I had volunteered the gesture before I realized what I was saying. My mom, of course, was quick to agree. We had a nice chat this morning at the kitchen table. I admitted she was right and that seeing Addie again might be nice. I didn’t, however, tell her about my feelings I developed. Maybe once we’re face to face, I’ll see it was just a phase.
He backhands me in the shoulder, a goofy grin on his face. “Seriously?” I just stare at him in silence. He lightly punches me in the shoulder. “You mean I get to finally meet this chick who has my boy all twisted up like a pretzel?” He grabs me in a headlock and pulls me off the bench, ruffling my hair.
I try to swat him away, finally breaking free of his hold. Silently, I flip him the bird while lighting another cigarette. I spit in the grass and wag a finger at him in a warning. “First of all, don’t call her a chick.” I inhale a drag and blow it upward slowly before leveling my gaze on him once again. “And secondly, I may not have these feelings anymore when I see her. Hopefully, they’ll be gone. I ju
st wanna pick her up from the airport and give her my friendship again. Help her forget what’s going on at home for awhile.” Maybe she’ll help me become a better person in the process. I’m not getting my hopes up, though. People can’t change in a short time.
He tilts his head, nodding along. “Do you want some company?” He pauses. “I can help make the awkward reunion more bearable.”
I think about it seriously since it probably will be easier and less awkward if he came along for the ride and I agree. “All right. Thanks, man.” I stick my hand out for the handshake we made up years ago, which he returns. “I haven’t told her I’m coming yet,” I confess.
He’s bouncing the ball where he stands and says, “Well, get on it,”
***
Addie
I’m at the airport, my aunt Patty is telling me everything I already know about flying. She’s so nervous to let me go, but she can’t stay. And it’s not as if I was a child, alone for the first time. I’ve flown in a plane before. Still, I take her advice to heart, knowing she’s just nervous for me after everything that has been going on. I grasp my suitcase by the handle and offer a smile of confidence, even though I’m so nervous. I haven’t heard from Kyler, not that I expected to. I just hoped after the last message I sent that he’d at least send a quick reply of “okay” or “yeah, whatever”, anything more than the nothing reply I’d gotten. I wish I knew why he’s been avoiding me all this time. It almost makes me want to cancel this trip and beg my aunt to let me stay at her house. I can stay alone, without a babysitter. I’d be fine, but I know she won’t. She’ll be worried about me being in her big house alone, not focusing on what needs her attention.
So I suck it up and deal with it. At least I have Nancy, Ky’s mom. She’s been talking to me, making me feel there was someone I can count on. And yet, she swears Ky will be happy to see me. I’d like to believe her.
“Hey,” I give my aunt a hug. “I’ll be fine,” I reassure her. I’m also trying to reassure myself.
She pulls back, gripping my shoulders. “I know, sweetie. I’m just nervous for both of us.” She’s holding back tears, putting on a brave face. I love her and am so grateful to have her in my life during this difficult time. My parents are making my high school experience very memorable…but not in a good way.
They don’t know I’m spending up to a week with Kyler’s family. I don’t think they’d have a problem with it, per se, but we told them I’m going with my aunt. I don’t think they’d be too happy knowing I was states away. It’ll be easier if they think I’m with my aunt. I just hope we can keep this up, keep the stories straight. I hate lying, but it’s not as if they’ve been honest. “I love you,” I say and kiss her cheek with one last hug. And now I’m the one holding back the emotions.
I’m going to Oregon, having no idea what to expect there. It can’t be as bad as here. Texas will always be my home, but right now, it’s a place full of bad memories and dark secrets I can’t tell anyone. And each day, I feel weaker and lonelier. My friends can’t understand what I’m going through, which I don’t expect them to, so I keep a tight lid and lock on my chest of secrets and hope like hell it never bursts open.
I wave to my aunt- the woman who looks a lot like my mother- young and beautiful with long brown hair and brown eyes, whereas my mom has blue eyes like me. And then I’m reminded what my mom did to my dad…and me, and I feel like crying all over again. Why would parents pick a day, such as their daughters’ birthday, to announce they’re getting a divorce? And even worse, the reasoning behind their decision- an affair. Well, that part I overheard. Still, it totally sucks. My seventeenth birthday was nothing I expected it to be. And everything I wish I could forget.
I check my luggage at the counter—just my suitcase is going. I’m taking my stowaway bag with me on the plane. I strip my socks and shoes at security, placing my purse and carry-on in the bins. When I walk through, there’s no beeping, so they let me put my shoes and socks back on while they go through my stuff. All they’ll find is my toiletries and a couple of books and some playing cards. I’m hardly a criminal—I have never even seen the inside of a police station. Not that I’m complaining.
“All right, miss.” The nice lady hands me my purse. “You’re free to go.” She hands me my bag, too, and I thank her. “Next.” She’s helping someone else now.
I look left and then right, forgetting the gate number. I step aside to pull out my flight information, glancing up at each gate. I’m not far from where I’m supposed to be, so I walk in the opposite direction where I spot a Starbucks. I’m in need of caffeine—even if rarely drink coffee. I do like those iced drinks, though. Topped with lots of whipped cream and I’m happy.
After I place my order and pay, I observe the number of seats unoccupied by passengers waiting to board. The barista calls my name shortly after and I take my cold drink to a table, clutching my purse close to my side. I have mace at the ready, thanks to my aunt’s’ constant worry. I’m always glancing over my shoulder, paranoid.
I watch passersby to and fro, thinking about their stories. I wonder if they wear a mask or if they’re open books. Setting my cell phone down on the table, I take a sip of my beverage, and then I pick it up to scroll through my contacts. I pause on his name, taking a quick breath. But before I can press call, the screen lights up.
I smile, bringing the phone to my ear as I greet my best friend. “Hey, Lay.”
“You there? Waiting to board?”
I nod, before remembering she can’t see me. I smile nervously into the phone. “Yep. At Starbucks, sipping on an iced drink.” I make a slurping noise for effect. “You got me addicted.”
She laughs and the sound puts me at ease. A little. “You’re nervous, aren’t you?”
I pause, staring at the table to think about the fact that she’s right. I’m extremely nervous. Did he finally read my message? Has Nancy talked to him about me coming? Are they in agreement? Would I be intruding? God, I can’t stop freaking out. So many questions bombard my mind it gives me a headache. I’ll be in his town in a matter of a few hours—give or take. My heart starts to race just thinking about it. About him. It’s Kyler, my Ky, the boy I rode bikes with through the creek past our neighborhood. The boy I climbed trees with—I was such a tomboy. I glance down at the casual clothes I’m wearing: shorts and a Texas Rangers T-shirt with my Rangers baseball cap covering my long blond hair. I still am a tomboy, apparently. But I’m okay with it, it’s who I am.
“Addie.”
I pull the phone away when Layla’s voice is loud in my ear. “Sorry.” I catch the stare of a guy sitting two tables down from me. At first, I think he’s gazing behind me at someone, but when we make eye contact, his brows go up and down, suggestively. He’s definitely staring at me, and I don’t like how it makes me feel. I shift my eyes away—down—and pretend to be busy digging in my purse. “Lay, I’m totally nervous. I haven’t seen Kyler in two years.”
“It’ll be okay,” she assures me, even though she can’t be certain. I appreciate the effort, anyway. “He’ll be happy to see you.” I snort at her comment as I get up from the table without glancing back at the creepy guy as I maneuver through Starbucks. The gate is getting busy with passengers who are on this flight to Oregon. I just hope I don’t have to sit near a screaming baby.
“I’m at my gate now.” I sit by the window and peer out at the planes in sight. DFW airport is pretty big, and I feel so small in comparison. It’s easy to get lost. My aunt lives on the outskirts of Dallas. I love it here, but I’m happy to get away for a short while. “What are you doing?”
She’s making noise in the background and it’s loud. “Sorry, I’m trying to do several things at once.”
“Want me to let you go?”
There goes the noise again. “No, honey. Just give me a…” I rest my head against the cool glass, hugging my knees to my chest. The noise stops. “Sorry, I’m back.”
A yawn slips out and I sigh as my eyes decide to
shut slowly on their own.
“You there, Ad?”
“Mmhmm,” I mumble. “Just tired.”
“Okay, so I need you to do me a favor,” she starts and I wait. “While you’re in Oregon”—she pauses a beat for dramatic flair—“get laid.”
I open my eyes, shaking my head incredulously. “You’re crazy, you know that?”
She laughs. “Nah, I’m just a risk taker and I love the penis.”
“Lay,” I hear the warning in my tone…but then laugh at myself for saying her nickname after what she just said. “I’m not going there to have sex.”
“But you should be. You’re seventeen and need more experience.”
I rub my temple, exasperated. “I’ve had enough experience.” More than I’d like to admit. And more than she needs to know. “I’m going there to get away and clear my head.” And hopefully reconnect with my friend. I miss him. I need him in my life again. I just pray he feels the same.
Layla sighs heavily, snapping my attention back to her. “Well, be sure to send me photos of this Kyler boy you speak so highly of.”
I roll my eyes and then hear a beep, signaling another caller. “Hey, I have another call.” I almost drop the phone when I catch the name flashing on the screen. I press the phone to my ear again. “Ummmm.”
“Are you okay, Addie?”
I nod and swallow. “Kyler’s calling me.”
“Oh, look at that.” She practically squeals. “Go answer it, call me later.” She hangs up before I can respond.
My hand is shaking as I click over with my heart hammering in both excitement and nervousness, but I push my apprehension aside to greet him, hoping he doesn’t catch the tremor in my voice. “Hey.” My foot is bouncing up and down and I can’t control the sweat clinging to my skin. I wipe my hand on my leg.
There’s a brief pause of silence before I hear his voice. “Hi, Addie,” I almost don’t recognize his voice, so deep and familiar…yet not. He doesn’t sound like a boy anymore, he sounds older. And perhaps…sexy? “Are you at the airport?” I nod. Again, forgetting people can’t see when you’re nodding through the phone. I clear my throat. “Yes. My flight takes off in twenty minutes.” I nibble on my fingernail, trying to control the shaking. Why am I so damn nervous?