by A. D. Ryan
“You’ve talked about me?” I was both flattered and worried—the latter because I hadn’t quite been myself, and I’d hate if he painted me in a bad light. I loved him, and I really wanted his parents to like me.
Almost as though he’d forgotten we were in the presence of my parents, he reached over and cupped my face. I leaned into the touch and smiled. “Of course I have.”
Mom cleared her throat, and we turned back to them. “I, for one, think that’s a wonderful idea.” She looked at us both pointedly. “But I expect to help out with something. Whether it’s bringing dessert or helping in the kitchen.”
Laughing, I regarded her demand. “It wouldn’t feel like Thanksgiving if you didn’t.”
After dinner, I helped Mom clear the table and do the dishes while the guys enjoyed a glass of cognac. I dried the dishes while Mom washed, and we were about halfway through them when she broke the silence. “I am sorry about earlier,” she whispered. “I didn’t mean to imply or pressure the two of you.”
“I know, Mom,” I assured her, taking a plate and drying it before putting it away with the rest.
“I got the impression David didn’t know just how serious you and Nick were.”
“He didn’t.” Mom looked over at me, shocked. “He knew we were together, but I didn’t think that a broken engagement was worth mentioning. It’s not like I’m divorced or a widow or anything,” I explained, trying to justify my omission of facts.
She drained the sink and rinsed the suds from it before turning to me and resting her hip against the counter. “Do you think it’s something you want?”
I regarded her curiously before she elaborated.
“Marriage. Kids.”
Kids. Was that even possible now? Would they be human, or would my recently altered DNA affect them, too?
“I-I don’t know,” I stammered softly, my voice cracking. “I’ve seen things since joining the force, Mom. I’m so aware of the kinds of things that happen in the world today... Not to mention what happened to Bobby. How could I bring a child into this world, knowing what I know now?”
I didn’t expect my mom to understand my stance on this. She was the most maternal woman I’d ever known, and she was unable to have the large family she so badly wanted. Bobby and I were her “little miracles” after several years of trying to get pregnant with no success. This didn’t mean she wasn’t happy; she was definitely a very attentive mother, always there to listen or help you with a problem.
I could tell she had questions, or maybe she wanted to try and tell me that I was still young and could change my mind—which I was, and I could. Before she could, a throat cleared behind us, startling me and forcing the blood in my veins to run cold. Dread fell like a lead weight into the pit of my stomach when I identified the familiar scent of our unexpected company. I mentally kicked myself for being too wrapped up in my tumultuous thoughts about marriage and the children I may never have—not to mention who they’ll most resemble when the full moon comes around—to sense him.
I slowly turned around, ready to explain everything in a way I hoped he would understand, but the look in David’s eyes as he stood in the doorway indicated it wouldn’t be that easy.
Chapter twenty-four | blame
As we all stood in uneasy silence, I wondered how much he had heard. Everything? Nothing at all? We hadn’t ever talked about kids, but something told me David wanted a family some day…even if we never married.
Nervous and unable to hold his stare, I folded the towel and hung it on the oven handle. “Hey,” I said softly, tucking my hair behind my ears and slowly lifting my head. I saw in his expression that he was uncertain of something—agitated, even.
His eyebrows knit together, and he clenched his eyes shut as if snapping himself out of some kind of stupor. “You ready?”
I looked over at Mom, whose own expression seemed anxious for me; I think she could sense as well as I could that he overheard everything. “Y-yeah, we just finished up here,” I replied before pulling my mom into my arms. “Thanks for dinner, Mom. It was delicious.”
“It was my pleasure, sweetie.” She kissed my cheek, apologizing with her eyes. “Be sure to say goodbye to your father on your way out, or you’ll never hear the end of it.”
“I will.”
I walked past David, and I could feel the cold blast of tension rolling off of him. I tried to offer him a smile, but the one he responded with was forced and weak.
“Dinner was wonderful, Mrs. Leighton,” David said.
“Laura,” she corrected one last time. “And you keep us informed about that Thanksgiving dinner.”
I studied David’s face again, but he had his game face on now, his eyes belying nothing. “Yeah. We’ll let you know whatever it is we decide.” Something about the way he worded that sent a chill down my spine, but I chose not to question it in the wake of what he most likely overheard a moment ago.
On our way to the front door, we found my dad in the living room and said goodnight, even though we’d see him at work in the morning. He incited the usual warning to drive safe as he walked us outside, and I gave him a hug before climbing into the car.
If I thought the ride to my parents’ house was awkward, the one home was worse. David’s hands remained at ten and two on the wheel, his eyes locked on the road, only occasionally peering in his mirrors before changing lanes. He did everything but look at me, and that wasn’t normal for him. I went over how I was going to try and explain what he overheard in my head, but I was unable to figure out a way that wouldn’t upset him further… Okay, so truthfully, this was just an excuse. I realized that no matter how I brought it up, it would upset him. I was just acting like a chicken-shit.
When we arrived home and let ourselves inside, David shrugged out of his jacket and put it away. I continued to sense the building anxiety in the space between us, and I knew it was just a matter of minutes before he exploded, so I decided to apologize.
Again. I actually seemed to be doing a lot of that lately.
“David, I—”
“Don’t, Brooke,” he interrupted, his tone clipped and on edge. “Just…don’t.”
Frustrated, I reached for his arm and turned him to face me. “How can you be this upset?” I demanded. “It’s not like we’ve ever talked about this stuff before!”
“We’ve been together two years, Brooke. You had to think that this was a possibility.”
Apologetic, I shrugged my shoulders. “Not really,” I replied honestly.
“So, you don’t want to get married or have children?”
I crossed my arms in front of me defensively, my hands starting to shake. “I never said that.” I paused and considered my next words before blurting out, “But I have reservations, yes.”
“Like…?”
Other than the reasons I gave my mom in the kitchen, there was nothing more I could say that he would believe or even begin to understand. “You already know why,” I reminded him. “How can you act like bringing a child into this world is no big deal? We’ve seen some pretty scary shit, David.”
And I could be something far more dangerous to any potential family we could have, I mentally tacked on. Or they could be dangerous to you.
“That’s bullshit, and you know it,” he retaliated, his words stinging as though I’d been struck. Before I could respond, David pushed his fingers through his dark hair and groaned in frustration. “I want to marry you, Brooke.”
Feeling short of breath, my knees threatened to give out on me at any second.
“You know it can’t work, right?” Nick’s voice haunted me again, and it brought back the memory of the other night when I was so forceful with him. How I’d bruised him…
Shit. Maybe Nick was right.
“I know you’re not ready, and I’m not going to push, but you should know it’s what I want.”
Breathing heavily now, my heart hammering in my chest, I took a wobbly step back toward the door. The room appeared to be closi
ng in around me, and Nick’s voice was unrelenting. “He’s human. You’re not. It’s dangerous for you to be with him.” The bruises on David’s wrists flashed in the darkness of my mind, and I shuddered before panic gripped me firmly in its grasp, suffocating me further.
“I love you,” David continued, keeping in step with me as I continued on with my nervous breakdown. “I want a life with you.”
I was scared. Scared because of everything Nick told me about how I might never make it work with David. Scared because I feared that David and I would never agree on what we each expected out of our relationship. And, mostly, scared because of what I’d become.
My back hit the solid wood door, the knob pressing into the small of my back, and I reached behind me and turned it. “I… David, I…”
“Brooke, just hear me out.”
“I can’t do this right now,” I mumbled, tears stinging my eyes and threatening to spill over onto my cheeks. I loved him, but I couldn’t forget Nick’s warnings; he’d gotten into my head and muddled everything up. I thought I could do this—have a life with David—but what if I couldn’t? What if everything Nick said was true? “I’m sorry.”
And, with that, I pulled open the door and walked briskly down the sidewalk, the cool air whipping across my face as I picked up my pace. David called after me, but I kept going, needing time to sort through the crap in my head. It upset me that I started to question my feelings when I was so ready to make things work with David, despite Nick’s warnings. I loved him more than I ever thought I would be capable of again, and now I was pushing him away. Why? All because I let my stupid ex get into my head.
The panic I felt back at the house continued to mount, making me feel anxious and uneasy. And what did I do lately when that happened? I ran. I ran with everything I had. I ran until my thighs ached and my lungs burned. I ran until the cold air hitting my eyes formed tears that obscured my vision. I lost all sense of direction as I turned corner after corner, letting my instincts take me wherever I was headed, and I didn’t question it.
When I finally stopped running, I took a deep breath, letting the cold fall air fill my lungs. It was invigorating as it flowed through my body, so I took another as I turned around and absorbed my surroundings. It surprised me when I realized I was on Nick’s front step, and then that surprise turned to irritation, because the last person I needed to see right now was the one who started this whole mess in the first place.
Grunting in frustration, I dropped onto the front step, refusing to knock on the front door, but not ready to head back home yet, and I pushed my face into my arms as they rested on my knees. I tried to block out everything—the cars that drove by, the couple fighting three doors down over who drank the last of the milk and would run to the store, the rustle of the trees and bushes moving in the wind—and I tried to focus on David and how I was going to fix this. It worried me that I might not be able to. Maybe he would decide he’d finally had enough of my bullshit.
The sound of an engine pulled my attention, bringing me out of my little pity-party, and I raised my head to find Nick pulling into the driveway on a red Harley. Something about seeing him on that bike made my libido spike, but I pushed it down and remembered how upset I was with him.
Nick seemed confused to see me on his front step as he cut the engine and dismounted his bike, but he also looked somewhat pleased. “Brooke.” His expression turned grim upon seeing the pain and confusion in my eyes as he stepped closer, and he sighed, pushing open his door and coaxing me to my feet and inside. The second the door closed, he turned to me and offered me a sad smile. “What happened?”
What happened? What didn’t happen?
The events of the past week ran through my head on loop: David’s bruises, how I pulled away in hopes of trying to control my urges before I did any more damage, dinner where my mom spilled the beans about the true extent of my relationship with Nick, Nick showing up at their place, David overhearing my conversation with my mom—a conversation I tried to tell myself I would have had with him eventually—and finally how I left him.
I…left…him.
Not forever, I tried to tell myself, but it did no good. I had done to David what Nick did to me. I pulled away without warning or an explanation or even really understanding what was happening or why I was doing it, and I walked away when things started to get heavy.
I. Am. An. Asshole.
Even though I was angry with myself more than anything, I wheeled around on Nick, thrusting an extended finger in his face. “This is all your fault.”
In all the years I’d known him, Nick had never looked this terrified, and I was suddenly conflicted. On one hand, I was still really upset that I let him get into my head like this and ruin my chance to be truly happy, but on the other, I didn’t relish hurting him.
Damn these warring emotions.
“What the hell are you talking about?” His tone was surprisingly firm, contradicting the fear in his eyes only a second ago. “I thought everything was fine?”
“It was!” I shouted unexpectedly. “And then I let you”—I jabbed my finger into his chest—hard—“get into my head and poison everything I’ve worked so hard for.”
Still confused, Nick’s eyebrows pulled together, and he grabbed my hand, pulling me into the living room. I flopped down on his couch and he sat on the coffee table in front of me. It must have been made of pretty durable materials, because it didn’t even bow beneath his solid frame as he leaned forward, resting his arms on his thighs.
“You told me my relationship was doomed.” Nick nodded, but didn’t say anything. “You said I was dangerous.” Another nod. “Well, it’s all I can seem to think about lately, and it’s driving me crazy—so crazy that I’m unintentionally sabotaging my relationship with David.”
“Are you sure it’s unintentional?”
Angry, I inhaled deeply, trying to keep myself from punching him in the face—though, I wasn’t entirely ruling that out as a possibility. “Of course it is. You think I meant to get rough with him the other night or walk away from him when he wanted to talk about our future together?” Nick grimaced, but his eyes continued to hold mine, waiting for me to finish. Even if he might not necessarily want to hear it. “I keep hearing your voice. Every time I start to think things really can work between David and me, you creep in and tell me otherwise.” My voice dropped to just above a whisper. “You’re making me doubt that my feelings for him are anything but true.”
Nick sighed. “Look, all I did was tell you how it was for me, Brooke. Do I think you can make it work with a human? No. Truthfully, I don’t. Especially not until you fully understand what it is you’re capable of. Do I feel good about how I left things with you? Of course not. I loved you, Brooke—Jesus, I still do.”
His confession surprised me, but not nearly as much as my reaction to hearing it: my heart skipped a beat, my skin warmed with a blush, and a flurry of butterflies flourished deep in my belly. I felt the need to return the sentiment out of habit, but I resisted, because my love for David should mean more to me than the love of the man who left me without an explanation.
Should?
Nick took my hands in his again, the warmth intense but not unnatural for our kind, apparently. “I love you, Brooke, and on some level, I think you still love me.”
I yanked my hands from his, wiping them on my jeans as though that would help get rid of the warm tingle that covered my skin. “I love David,” I reminded him, my voice shaking, uncertain, and he heard it. “You and I are over. You decided that the day you left. Did I go to sleep every night hoping you’d come back? Of course I did. But you didn’t. It took me a long time to accept that you’d moved on…and then I met David. He’s everything you’re not.” Even though I knew it would hurt Nick, it needed to be said. “I can depend on him.”
As I expected it would, my confession seemed to cut through Nick like a sword through the heart. He flinched briefly, but he shrugged it off, sitting up a little straight
er and pretending like I didn’t just kick him in the balls.
“I’m sorry, Nick,” I whispered softly. “I’m sure you don’t want to hear it, but he’s the one thing in my life that makes sense right now.”
“You only feel that way because you’re trying to hold onto your humanity.”
“Is that such a bad thing?” I demanded.
“Not necessarily, but it does keep you from fully accepting who you are now.” He must have sensed my bewilderment, because he elaborated. “You’ve said you accept what you are now—a wolf—yet you choose to cling to everything that reminds you of your human life: your job, your boyfriend, your family. You cling to these things because they’re normal, and that tiny part of you that still refuses to accept what you’ve become craves the normalcy.”
“Again, I ask, is that so bad?”
Nick exhaled heavily and stood up so he could pace the room. “The longer you take to fully accept who you are, the more volatile you become. If you fight your true nature, your human side will fight with the wolf. It won’t want to leave. That’s when you’ll black out. And, like last time, you won’t remember.”
“So, you want me to just walk away from it all?”
He stopped pacing and faced me. “Brooke, I learned a long time ago that I can’t tell you what to do. Only you know what your heart wants.” His expression fell, despair reflected in his eyes. “You know what you are, and only you can choose to embrace it. If you think you can do that and hold onto your human life, then do it.” His sorrow was palpable, filling the room like a dark cloud as his gloomy eyes held mine. “Living with regret isn’t so easy. Trust me.”
Having said his piece, Nick exited the living room, leaving me alone to digest everything he just said. He gave me his blessing to try to keep my life intact through all of this. Was it really possible? He seemed hesitant, but I experienced a renewed surge of conviction regarding my relationship.
Without wasting another minute, I ran from the house and all the way home. I could make this work. I was determined to. David and I could be together and figure out the next step toward our future. No regrets.