But not me. No, I was just another mouth to feed.
“Gabriella?”
I jumped, clutching my hand to my chest as I turned to find Holden in the doorway.
“Sorry, thought you heard me.”
“No, I was a bit lost in thought.” I forced a smile to my face.
“Happens to all of us,” he agreed with a slight smile of his own that fell away far too quickly. He shuffled his feet, clasping his hands behind his back as he lowered his head for a moment. “I am going to be training the hounds this afternoon. If you wanted to watch, you are more than welcome to. On one condition.”
“Don’t turn them all into big softies?” I asked.
His eyes crinkled even though his lips didn’t move. “Something like that, yes, if you can resist.”
“I will do my best,” I promised.
“Good, that’s good. And your rooms?”
“Beautiful and large. I think my whole cabin would fit in here, all of it.” I held my arms out, spinning around. “It will take me a while to get used to this place. Servants and so many faces around me that I don’t know. It’s a bit overwhelming.”
“If you need anything, please ask me or Hattie. And Josef, he’s quite good at getting what I need without my even asking. He will have no issues helping you, as well.”
“Thank you, it means quite a bit.”
Silence fell between us again, a gaping chasm that seemed to be growing the more time we shared with each other, rather than shrinking, as I thought it might. He mumbled something else and then left me alone, again.
Holden was beyond confusing. There was a want to reach out in those eyes, but every time he pulled back, as if worried I’d see too much of who he was beneath his hard-faced demeanor. I sensed he was not a brute as others claimed him to be. Quiet, yes, but not mean. Most of it dealt with who his true father was, something I could relate to. We agreed to be civil, and let the other live their life as they saw fit, but we made no agreement to not try to get to know the other. I glanced at my hand, running my fingers over my palm. Irina had told me when she and Ezra first held hands, she’d felt something she couldn’t put into words pass between them. Believing such a thing existed was folly, but I’d felt it, more than once. How could it not be real?
I needed something to get my mind off my new home, keep me from returning to my cabin after only being here for a few hours. Holden. I was going to find a way to make him see he could talk to me.
Because I needed someone to talk to, without my wolves around to keep me company.
The idea of telling anyone about Tori made my skin itchy and the scars on my back ache. Most days, I managed to forget they were there, but ever since that dream and hearing her voice nearly every night since, I felt them all over again. They were raw in the morning when I awoke, as if I received those wounds all over again.
“My lady?” Hattie asked, and I jumped for a second time. “Apologies, I knocked.”
“No worry, Hattie, what is it?” I asked, keeping my tone light, and focusing on my new task at hand. I looked to my personal servant, something I would never get used to, and the clothes draped over her arms. “You found something already?”
“I have. They may need to be taken in, but you are in luck for I am also a seamstress,” she stated proudly.
I smiled with her. I liked Hattie. She wasn’t pushy and not once asked to take down my hair in all its magnificent braided and beaded glory. “Then I guess I’ll try on some new clothes before I watch Prince Holden with the hounds.”
“It is quite fascinating to watch.” She handed me the first outfit.
I took it and went behind the changing screen. “You’ve seen him at work?”
“We all have at one point or another. He has a way with the hounds, as if he knows what they’re thinking and feeling,” she explained.
“And the demon himself? Is he truly a brute as the rumors suggest?”
Hattie laughed lightly. “Hardly, he’s quiet most of the time, rough around the edges maybe, but I have several theories on why.”
“Would you care to share?”
“With you, my lady, I will share whatever you need to know of your new husband.”
“Hattie, I think you and I are going to get along splendidly,” I said as I tugged up the lighter breeches, no fur lining, and pulled the shirt over my head. The sleeves draped, but it had ties that pulled it back at the waist and highlighted my curved form. I could move well enough and found I quite enjoyed this first outfit. I stepped out from behind the screen, holding up my arms. “Yes?”
“You look beautiful,” she agreed, bobbing her head. “No adjustments needed on this one I think. And you can see most of your tattoos.”
She turned me, so I faced the mirror, smiling to see myself still looking like myself.
“And those theories on Prince Holden?” I asked.
“He’s lonely, been so all his life from what I gather.” She smoothed down my shirt in a few places. “Jaspen made no secret of how he used to hate him. His mother tried to show him all the love she could, but it was hard for her after a while. The two gods constantly fought over him. And, as for his true father, well, he was banished to the outer reaches of the Underworld for what he did.”
“But he’s alive?”
“There’s a chance… my lady, you cannot think of finding Holden’s true father,” she whispered worriedly. “His banishment has not been lifted. King Jaspen would be furious!”
“Never said I would bring him back here, but Holden, it’s important he knows where he comes from. Hattie, I need a favor if you can manage it.”
She sighed heavily as she mumbled, “Why do I feel as if I’m going to regret this?”
“All I need is a map of the Underworld, that’s all.”
“And what are you going to do with this map?”
I shrugged. “Do you want to know, or would you like to be able to say you have no knowledge whatsoever of what I’m up to?”
“Second option sounds better. I will find you a map.”
“Thank you, and anything else I should know about Prince Holden?”
She squeezed my hands, and I saw how much she cared for her ruler in her eyes. “We all see how sad he is, how he thinks he’s better off alone, that he’s content with this life. We want him to be happy, my lady. I won’t deny many of us pray this union between you two will finally bring him to life, show him he does deserve joy, despite what he is.”
“A bastard. It bothers him that much?”
“When he’s the only one of Jaspen’s bastards given a kingdom, and he’s not even truly the king’s son… yes, it does. It has not been easy. Many of the others have tried to snatch his home from him before.”
“They’ve gone against their father’s wishes?”
“The Underworld is a harsh place,” she said. “And many do not believe he should rule.”
“But the Kingdom of Disgrace seems to run quite well under his guidance, and the hounds, he trains them all better than any I’ve ever seen.”
She was nodding along in agreement. “It’s not enough for the other greedy demis who feel they’ve been neglected.”
“Thank you, Hattie, for the outfit and for the information.” I could see where being half demon and half god, not to mention the bastard part would have made for a lonely life. By the gods, could I ever.
“And the map which I will somehow procure for you.” She glanced at the other outfits on the bed. “Try them on when you can and let me know if they need any adjusting.”
She exited my chambers, and I ran my hands over the remaining outfits. Mostly blacks and browns, a few cream colors, but thankfully nothing bright and loud as Nell liked to wear. I decided I would try them on later and went to explore my new home. The castle, according to Holden, was the smallest out of all the six princes’ castles. To me, it was more massive than any structure I ever expected to reside in, and within a few turns, I was lost. A few friendly servants directed me to t
he main floor, and I thanked them, feeling a bit of my usual optimism coming back. How could I not? Holden had done something I never expected, and married me because it’s what I needed from him at the time. He might have tried to avoid this just a few weeks ago, but now we were wed. I had a chance to learn who he was, and with any luck, help him find his happiness.
Eventually, I managed to find the outer courtyard and followed the stone path leading around the outer buildings and grounds.
“Ah, my lady,” the demon named Josef called to me. He’d been there to greet us when we first stepped through the mirror upon our arrival.
“Josef, I was hoping to find Prince Holden and his hounds,” I told him as I neared. “Am I close at least?”
“You have arrived just in time.” He stepped aside and held out his arm, motioning me to look past him.
There standing in a large patch of grassy lawn was Holden. Rush, the hellhound I met at the wedding sat obediently at his side, and before him was a line of eleven pups.
I stood with Josef at the fence and watched, transfixed, as Holden began his training for the afternoon. Holden’s face was set in a look of complete concentration as he whistled commands. The pups responded to each sound he made, every slight gesture of his hand. If he walked, they followed. When he stopped, they stopped. It was beyond incredible to watch, and I found myself pulled in to the demi demon that was now my husband. I was proud of him and wondered how he did not feel the same about himself. Hellhounds were known to be vicious if not trained properly, but these beasts, they were loyal to him. Respected and trusted him.
As the training wore on, I found myself leaning on the fence, wanting to learn to train them, too. I wondered if he would let me, and decided it would be another side project to keep my mind off of other, more worrisome troubles.
“You have been here less than a day,” Josef said quietly, “but I hope you are making yourself at home.”
“Doing my best. It’s not as bad as I expected.”
His chuckle was warm, and I relaxed even more. “I’m glad to hear it, though I worry what you did expect to find.”
“When Holden didn’t return my letters, I assumed he hated me for who I was. Hated the arrangement. I started to picture an ugly demon with a dark soul who sulked around all day, barking out orders. And a little more on the barbaric side,” I explained, both of us laughing by the end of it.
“He does brood, but he believes he’s worse than he is, in truth,” Josef told me.
“So I’ve heard.”
“Ah, smart girl, asking around. I believe he needs a swift kick in the arse,” he whispered. “Someone to show him there’s more to life than the bastard title and his hounds.”
“I shall do my best, Josef, you have my word.”
He patted my hand with a grin. “I’m glad to hear the rumors about you were correct.”
“And those are what, exactly?”
He only smiled wider and nodded. “Excellent training today, sire. The pups seem to be coming along well.”
“That they are,” Holden said, and I met his dark, green gaze, watching me carefully. Rush was at his side, practically grinning, as his tongue lolled out of his mouth. “Would you like to say hi to your friend?”
“Only if you’re not going to scold me again.” I winked.
“Come on over the fence. You can see the pups, too. It’s playtime.”
I climbed over easily enough and hopped down on the other side. Rush came to me, and I scratched behind his ears, hugging on the big lug as Holden rolled his eyes and turned away from us.
“What? You should be happy he likes me.”
“Is that so?”
“Yes, I would think you would never trust anyone your hounds didn’t trust,” I said as I made to follow, Rush staying right by my side.
“That is true. And Rush seems to like you quite a bit.”
“You are very good with them. I’ve never seen anyone connect with any beast quite like that.”
He bowed his head. “My, is that awe I hear in your voice?”
“It is, and you can stop being an ass and take the compliment.”
He bowed his head again. “Thank you. It’s taken many years, but I have found the one thing in this world I’m good at and can be appreciated for.”
“There are other qualities you have, I’m sure.”
His jaw clenched, and his shoulders stiffened at my words. When a flicker of discomfort flitted across his face, I worried it was something I said, but he moved his back as if trying to get his shirt away from his skin.
“Are you hurt?” I asked, concerned.
“No, it’s nothing.”
“Doesn’t look like nothing. I am a healer, remember? I can help.”
He shrugged his shoulders and took a half-step away from me. “I know, but as I said, I’m fine.”
No one said anything about his being wounded recently, but I dropped it for the moment. We were getting along, and I did not want to ruin the peace between us just yet. I was forming a plan to ask him about how he seemed to view himself, but then Rush let out a deep booming bark and the pups were rushing toward us. They tackled me to the grass. I laughed, swarmed by so many small furry bodies, but it was the quiet laughter I heard from Holden that drew my gaze to his. His lips didn’t smile, but his eyes crinkled just a bit, showing his amusement.
Smothered in kisses and with four crammed in my lap, I asked, “Is there a way you could teach me?”
“Teach you what?”
“How to train hellhounds. Unless you don’t want any company while you’re doing it. Or extra help. I mean, just something I thought we could do together.”
“Together,” he repeated.
“Yes, just an idea.”
I saw the change come over him and my heart sank.
“Perhaps once you have been here for a while, but for now you can watch and nothing more. I don’t have time to teach you.”
“Don’t have the time or you don’t want me to get close to you?”
“That is not what I said at all,” he argued as I carefully pulled myself the pile of pups and brushed grass and dirt from my pants. His eyes watched every movement I made, and I noticed him take another step backward, as if afraid of what he was feeling for me because he obviously felt something. “Gabriella.”
“What? I’m not blind or deaf. I see what I see, and I hear what I hear. You’re lonely, and now that I’m here, you’re scared to let me get close. Why?”
“Yes, because you can stand there and speak to me about keeping things from you when you’re doing the exact same thing,” he said, instead of answering my question.
I tugged on one of my braids, his eyes following the movement. “
You are hiding something about yourself from me.”
I crossed my arms and shrugged. “I never said I wasn’t.”
“Then tell me.”
“Tell you what?”
“Whatever you would only tell someone who is close to you. Tell me about who you are.”
The words wouldn’t come, and I dreaded to know what he would think if I told him about my past, about my mother and the fear that I did my best to push down and hide.
He scoffed. “See? Not so easy.”
“It takes time,” I stated. “It’s been what, two days?”
“Or maybe you and I should stick to our agreement of being civil to each other and leave it at that. I want nothing from you, Gabriella, and you should want anything from me. The second you do… just don’t. I’ll only disappoint you.”
“You don’t know that.”
“I do!” he yelled.
Rush growled as he stood by my side.
I rested my hand on the hound’s head, and he immediately calmed. “Holden, you can’t do this to yourself forever.”
“I’m not doing anything.”
“Yes, you are. You’re acting as if you don’t deserve the life you have… or whatever else you could have.”
He turned
his back on me and started for the barn in the distance. “Leave it alone, Gabriella,” he called over his shoulder. “Just do us both a favor and leave it be.” He whistled, and the pups all chased after him, but Rush took another moment, leaning into my leg.
“Don’t worry, I’m not giving up on him yet,” I promised the big hound, and he finally raced off after Holden. “I have all the time in the world.”
The hall was empty when dinner rolled around. I picked at my food before giving up and asked Josef and Hattie, my only company, if either had seen Holden. They exchanged a worried glance and nodded.
“And?”
“He asked not to be disturbed,” Josef replied, shaking his head. “Damned stubborn demon.”
“Where is he?”
“He requested hot water brought to his room and a jug of ale. That was all.”
“Yes, well, if that’s how he wants to spend his evening, I suppose I’ll turn in for the night, too. No point sitting around here forever, waiting.”
“I’m sorry, my lady,” Josef said.
I stood. “No, don’t apologize for him. I pushed today, I should have waited.”
“No,” Josef and Hattie said at the same time. “He needs you here, he needs someone to talk to,” she went on, wringing her hands. “He never talks to anyone about his life… about what he’s been through.”
“You mean the war?”
“Before the war, my lady,” she said, her voice even quieter.
I tapped my fingers on the back of my chair. “Did he hurt his back recently?”
Hattie frowned. “Not that I’m aware. Josef?”
The demon wouldn’t meet my gaze as he said, “That is something that I cannot answer for you, my lady, but I offer a word of caution if you push him. All beings have their limits.”
“I can handle myself. Good night, Josef, Hattie.” I left the hall.
I should’ve gone back to my room, but I wanted to speak with Holden one more time today, not willing to leave the last word being one of aggravation on both our parts. Clinging to my optimism, I walked through the castle and reached his chambers. I was going to knock first, but the door was cracked open, and I found myself peering inside, searching for any sign of him. Water sloshed, and I heard a grunt then Holden finally came into view, wearing only breeches, leaving the top half of his body bare. My eyes narrowed at the vision of his back, and a gasp escaped before I could swallow it down. He whipped around furiously and yanked his door open all the way.
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