A small laugh escaped Micah, but he shook his head. “No more of that. No more apologies. It’s time to enjoy. Time to relax.”
I wasn’t sure I could fully relax until everyone knew and whatever shoes were going to drop would drop. Hell, it might rain shoes for all I knew. But at least it would be over. At least Micah and I would be together.
What a thought.
He gave me a little tug. “Come on.”
Part of me expected that once we got into bed, we’d instantly fall back into having sex. We were good at it, now we had more freedom to do it than ever before.
We didn’t.
Micah spread the covers, lay down, and then patted the spot beside him. “Can I hold you?”
Talk about things I hadn’t expected. I got into the bed, scooted close to him, our naked bodies touching. “How do you want me?”
Another laugh. “Just put your head on my chest. Don’t act like you’ve never done this before.”
I followed directions and put my head on his chest. I’d never done it before. Funny. I’d never noticed I hadn’t done it before. Even with other large men, like Micah, I was always the biggest. I was the one who held, my chest was the pillow, I was the big spoon. Not that I’d slept all night with many people. Less than a handful. I’d never fully enjoyed the sensation.
Marvel number two of the evening. No, not even close, the night had been full of endless marvels, it seemed they just kept coming. As I settled my shoulder into the crook of Micah’s arm, and rested my head on the wide, thick planes of muscle of his chest, his arm wrapped around my back. I didn’t even attempt to hide the sigh of contentment. I nearly apologized again, for making us miss years of this. But I held back. He was right. No more regrets. There’d been too many of those already. “This is amazing.”
“Cuddling? You’ve truly never cuddled before?”
I shook my head, as much as I could against his chest. “Not like this.”
Micah didn’t reply, just pulled me closer.
After a while, I began to run my hand over his body, so familiar and known to me, yet still a wonder, especially now that he was truly mine. His skin so smooth and firm, the ridges of his muscles defined. As I smoothed over his abs, my arm bumped into his erection. I moved my attentions there, curled my fingers around his thickness, wiping my thumb over the head of his cut cock. “You’re ready again?” Not that that would surprise me. It seemed I was always ready if Micah was in the room.
“When aren’t I?” He gave me another squeeze. “But do you mind if we wait at least for a few minutes or something? I love having sex with you, you know that, but I’ve never had this with you.”
“Yeah. I’m kind of loving this myself.” I stroked his cock one more time, more to simply enjoy the feel of him than to peak his arousal and then continued my lazy exploration of his body, at least as much as my hand could reach from my protected position.
Micah let out a contented sigh of his own.
As happy as I was, stillness always made my mind rush. I’d never quite figured out how to turn off my brain. It began to leap ahead. What this meant for the next day, the next week, when Moses returned, how our lives would be different. We’d established such a pattern over the past many years, I wasn’t sure how much Micah wanted to change. It made me consider a possibility I hadn’t thought of, one that I’d tried to never picture, even when I knew it was happening. We’d come close to truly being together right before Moses. Close enough that I was nearly ready to tell the family, but even then, we never talked about what we did with others. I was fairly certain he had only been with me during that time, but I didn’t know for sure. I never allowed the thought of him with anyone else, but I’d been the one to push him into that or at least I’d been the one to push him away. What if he wanted to keep that aspect? That’s what he and Seth had done. Even considering him going to someone else now made me want to scream. Made me feel a bit murderous. But I’d take Micah however I could get him. And I would do so without complaint. I was the reason things had gone the way they had. I knew there would be consequences. I would have to deal with them.
“Are you about to run right now?”
I’d been so deep in my thoughts I’d nearly forgotten where I was, and I startled at Micah’s quiet voice in the dark. “Huh? What do you mean? Why would I run?”
Micah snorted softly. “Yeah, why would you run? That’s only happened a billion and five times. It would be so atypical for it to happen again.”
I angled up to look at him. “A billion and five, huh? That’s specific.”
He shrugged his free shoulder. “Maybe a billion and six. I lost track at some point.”
“I highly doubt that.” I settled back down, hoping the conversation would continue to go to lighter places or fade altogether. I didn’t want to know what Micah would say to my wondering. Even if I promised myself I’d deal with whatever he wanted, I’d rather just pretend it didn’t exist.
Micah waited for a few minutes, then spoke again. “So it looks like you’re not getting up to run. What are you thinking?”
“Can we just skip this? Just enjoy the moment?”
He hesitated, but I knew him, he wasn’t going to let it go. “I have met you before, you know. Whatever you’re thinking is going to rattle around in your head until it either explodes or you truly do run. Just get it out. What’s wrong? We don’t have to tell the family tomorrow or anything, if that’s what you’re thinking.”
There was another concern, but somehow it was less terrifying or troublesome. “I’m assuming….” I swallowed. Fuck I did not want the answer to this question. I started again. “I know what you and Seth had… and I know we’ve never been officially together before, not really, so I’m not sure what you’re thinking as far as… guys… other ones, I mean…. If you still want….” Shit, I couldn’t even say it, much less handle his answer.
“Are you asking if I want to still sleep with other men?”
No, I was not asking that at all. Not in the slightest. I just wanted him to keep his big mouth shut. I nodded, but barely.
He was quiet for so long that I knew the answer. I’d already known the answer. Of course he wanted to sleep with other guys.
“Do you?” He sounded nearly as unsure as I felt.
I refused to look up at him. “I asked you first.”
He barked out a laugh. “What are you, five?”
Despite myself, I chuckled along. “Well, I did.”
Micah’s laughter faded, and he sounded serious again. “Promise me you won’t freak out with my answer. If you don’t like it, we’ll figure it out together.”
Well, that sounded like a bit of torture was heading my way. Whatever. I’d earned it. “Sure.”
He took a deep breath, his chest rising, lifting my head, and then his words tumbled out, quickly. “If any other guy touches you, I’m gonna cut a bitch.”
I sat up, looking at him in surprise.
A big grin spread across his face.
“Seriously? You don’t want…?”
“I might just cut you.” Still grinning, Micah smacked my chest. “How many fucking ways and for how many fucking years do I have to tell you that you’re the only one I want? You’ve always been the only one I want. And….” He jabbed a finger into my chest, right where he had smacked it. “I know you. Now that you are in this, really in this, you won’t even look at anyone else.” His grin broadened. “Which is good. I own a farm. Plenty of land to bury all those bitches.”
The rush of relief brought laughter, and I leaned forward, kissed him hard, still chuckling. I met his eyes, then pulled back. “I love you.”
“I love you.” Micah stroked my cheek, his thumb tracing the scar. He’d asked before, wanted to know the story of all my scars, the details of what happened. I’d tell him, someday. I appreciated him not asking now. I settled back onto his chest, pulling myself closer to him, even more content than before.
I thought he’d drifted off to sleep
, but he spoke again. “I have a question for you.”
My nerves spiked, but not much. I didn’t think there was any other question I couldn’t handle. Even if he asked if I was willing to go tell our family in the morning. I couldn’t say I was ready, but I would do it. “Anything.”
“Why won’t you believe me that I chose to come back to Lavender Shores because I wanted to be here? That I opened the Green Violin and work with Adrian because I wanted to. Not because it was some ploy to trap you.”
Okay, maybe I couldn’t handle any question he asked easily. I chose the one aspect I could answer honestly. “I never thought you were trying to trap me.”
“You know….” Micah sounded sad. Not overly, but the hint of it in his voice was out of place with how the evening had felt. “Nobody knows me better than you do. Nobody. Kinda hurts, kinda pisses me off that you can’t accept that about me. The rest of the town, sure, even the rest of our family, but you…. You should know better. You should know me better.”
I nearly asked him why it mattered, but luckily I caught the words before they spilled out. Of course it did. He would take it as a matter of respect. How could I truly respect his choices, his strength, if I thought I was the only reason he’d given up his dreams? “Tell me.” I realized I’d spoken the same words he’d said to me in the cavern when I expressed my love for him. So I repeated them again. “Tell me.”
Micah didn’t pause, didn’t have to think or consider an answer, which only spoke to the truth of his words. “If I’m being honest, I know you’ve affected… not my choices necessarily, but certain things I love in this world. I was so in love with you, long before that night I crept into your bed. I tried and tried to fight it, not because I thought it was wrong, but because I knew you would think it was, because I knew what our family would think. It was a constant struggle and a constant worry. Almost like the stories you’ve told about when you lived with the Clarks, how you fought being gay even though you knew you were. I can understand how that was for you, because that’s what it felt like for me, my desire for you. Though I never thought it was wrong.” Micah traced lazy circles over my back with his fingertips as he spoke. “The only time that ache and worry seemed to disappear was when I was playing the violin and when I was helping Grandpa on the farm in Texas. Those were the only times everything faded. The only things that mattered in those moments were music and the earth. When I went to New York, I think part of me thought the violin was more important than the earth, than growing things. But I missed it so much that even playing the violin started to lose some of its joy. It began to feel like a cage for the first time in my life, keeping me from the other thing I loved. I even found a little greenhouse in the city and volunteered at it, but it didn’t help.”
Micah shifted, pulling his arm out from under my head and moving to his side, so we were face-to-face. There was just enough light that I could meet his gaze.
“I’m happy here. Even if you had never pulled your goddamn head out of your goddamn ass.” He grinned. “I really love finally being able to say that to you, by the way.”
For some reason, I kinda loved it too. But I didn’t say anything, I wanted him to keep going.
“I’ve built my life exactly how I want. I get to live both of my dreams, on my terms. In fact, I’ve wondered if that’s why I could never have you. If a person isn’t allowed to truly have everything they want.” His eyes glistened and his words grew tighter. “But it looks like I was wrong. I really can have it all. We can have it all. But there’s always going to be some glitch with us if you think you’re holding me back, or if you think I’m weak enough to give up my dreams because you don’t want to live in a city.”
I believed him. I could feel the truth of every word he said, so much so that it was one more proof I’d been a fool for so long. Not only for believing that I had somehow scarred him and that was why he loved me, but that he wasn’t able to achieve his dreams with me in the way. The man was a powerhouse, full of life. I shouldn’t have doubted anything was out of his capabilities. I opened my mouth to speak, to tell him I believed him.
He cut me off. “Don’t say anything. Just anytime you start to question, start thinking you’re holding me back, remember this conversation. I’ll have it as many times as you need to hear it, but I’d rather you just believe it, accept it.”
I nodded. And somehow, I fell in love with him even more.
Micah’s smile changed and his voice brightened. “In fact, I have a tattoo I want done. I’ve been drawing it out for a little while, but you know me and my skills with a pencil. Even so, I got pretty close. I bet you can fine-tune it where it’s perfect.” He sat up, his excitement changing once more, giving him the air of a little kid on Christmas morning. “You want to see it?”
Fifteen
Micah
After a week together, two things were very clear.
First and foremost, I’d been right. Even though it was only a week, every day that ticked by was further confirmation. It was easy. Connor and I, together, was easy. Honestly, that wasn’t something I’d expected. Not with the tension that had been between us for so long, with the back-and-forth, the arguing and hurt feelings. I suppose, though, I should’ve expected this. The only conflict we’d really had was solved by coming together. Everything else was a nonissue. Even when I started dating Seth, though we’d known each other for years, there was that adjustment of trying to be comfortable in each other’s presence, judging when to let real life seep in, to simply be who we were instead of the idealized version of ourselves. There was none of that with Connor. We already knew each other’s darkness, bad habits, annoying qualities. We fell into step as easily as… well, brothers, I suppose. Or, a couple who had been married for decades.
Secondly, we had to get out of my house. While the thought of living on an island, secluded from everyone else, sounded romantic, the reality was starting to make us a little crazy. After work, we’d be back in my house, make dinner, watch TV, have sex, and sleep. On the one hand, it was great. And, if there’d been another option, staying in probably would be something we would choose for a month or more at a time. But we didn’t have other options, and it was making me feel trapped. To my surprise, Connor wanted to tell the family, to just get it done, let the chips fall, and we would be free.
As happy as I was, as justified as I felt my years of hoping for Connor had become, I wasn’t ready to tell our family. Things were different between Connor and me, even more so than in the months before Moses arrived and plunged us into chaos. Connor was more settled and didn’t seem to have the constant guilt that had never left before.
Maybe Connor finally believed all of this was my choosing, not some damage inflicted on me years ago. But I couldn’t shake the worry that if there was a glitch, whether it be Moses’s return or our family’s reaction, or a billion other things, that if Connor went back to his cut-bait-and-run, there wouldn’t be any coming back this time.
I couldn’t risk that. Not till I was sure. I wasn’t positive what would make me sure. I just knew there was a pit of unease in my gut if I thought about it too much.
Even so, we had to get the fuck out of that house. We opted to go out for pizza. Chances were low we’d run into our family or any of the other founding families there. Especially at dinner. And even if we did, we’d acted like brothers for the majority of our lives. It wasn’t like we’d be holding hands or fucking on the table.
Connor nudged me with his elbow as we walked up to the front door of Lavender Slices, and though he kept his voice low, there was heat in his words. “This is a warning. I didn’t have a chance to stop for lunch today, so I’m planning on eating about sixteen pizzas.”
I glanced up at him, grinning. “Sixteen, huh?”
He nodded.
“And why do I need a warning about that exactly? You know I can keep up with you.”
He patted his flat stomach. “You know, just in case you have any Santa fantasies you need to indulge
in. Even if it’s not even July yet, I’m getting my belly on.”
Like sixteen pizzas could find their way out from his abs. “Well then, I guess I’ll just have to play the role of Santa’s little elf.”
Connor grimaced. “No. Absolutely not. Elves are little and creepy. Not at all hot.” He considered for a moment. “How about you be Donner? I always thought it was kind of a sexy name.”
I’d been about to reach for the door, but I paused, gaping at him, having to suppress a laugh. “You didn’t even say that to be funny, did you?”
He shrugged, looking puzzled. “No. Why would I? It’s a sexy name.”
“Okay, say it with me… you find the name Donner sexy. Donner. Connor.” I raised my eyebrows, and I repeated the words slower. “Donner. Connor.”
“What? I’m not supposed to like names that rhyme with my own?”
I let out a snort. “It’s basically your same name. You’re just saying your name is sexy. And you want me to role-play as you.” I paused at that thought. The idea of two Connors going at it. Shit. I was never going to get that image out of my head. There was no way to make that fantasy happen either. Damn it. “You know what, never mind. I don’t blame you. That’s about the hottest thing I can imagine.” I reached for the door again, then had another thought, and leaned closer to his ear to whisper, more to be a bitch than anything else. “The other option is, that you just asked me to role-play as a reindeer. I didn’t realize you had a thing for cloven bovine with antlers. I may have to reconsider the type of man I’m in love with. I thought we had all our secrets on the table. Or maybe you just have a thing for shiny red noses.”
His jaw dropped. “That had nothing to do with Donner being a reindeer. I have no attraction to reindeer. Or other animals.”
I pulled open the door, waving my hand dismissively over my shoulder as I walked in the pizzeria. “Whatever, Connor. You can’t deny they’re well hung.”
The Hideaway (Lavender Shores Book 5) Page 14