by Tracey Smith
At first I was too surprised to do anything but stand there. Then I decided to kiss him back. I closed my eyes and allowed myself to feel his lips pressed against mine, to feel his strong arms pulling my body tightly against his. I wanted to feel something for him. I tried. But there was nothing there so I pulled away.
“I just can’t” was all I could say before I was choked by tears, and I ran for the door.
I went straight to the beach. Fate was so cruel! I couldn’t have the man I longed for and I couldn’t love the man who longed for me. What was wrong with me? I felt broken. My heart didn’t work right. Maybe it didn’t know how.
I wanted to love Jared. I wanted to be happy with him. Maybe I could if I tried harder. I could pretend at least. But would that be fair to him? Didn’t he deserve better than someone who only pretended to love him? Surely there was someone out there who really could love him. I knew there had to be.
But what about me? Was there someone out there that I could love? Deep in my heart I knew there was. I already loved him. I didn’t know why or how it was even possible, but I was in love with a man I’d never met. A man I could never have. I really was broken.
I needed to clear my head. I felt so confused. I began climbing the trail to the cliff, but stopped before reaching the end. Someone was already there. In my spot! Sure it was a public beach, I didn’t own this spot but it was mine. And I needed it right now more than ever.
I stared at the back of the guy’s head and I was so mad I wanted to throw a rock at it! How dare he take my spot! All the times I’d come here over the summer no one had ever been here, and now the one time I needed this spot the most someone was already there. Tears were silently streaming down my face as I turned around and walked away.
Chapter 10: Searching
My farewell with Elle was unemotional. We had planned on leaving the day after the wedding to go back to Paris, so that night I told her I would not be going back with her. She just smiled with a sad look in her eyes kissed me once saying “au revoir”.
She was gone when I woke up in the morning.
Charlie and Claire had offered to let me stay at their place while they were on their honeymoon. I appreciated their kindness, but I knew they would need their privacy when they got back so finding my own place was definitely a priority.
I was nervous and excited about the prospect of finally meeting Katherine. It was so nice to finally know her name. It made her feel more real to me, not just the girl from my dreams.
The anticipation of finally getting to meet her was almost too much to take. I was tempted to call the catering service the very day after the wedding, to ask for her and arrange a meeting. But suddenly I was apprehensive. How would she react to my call? Would it totally freak her out to have some stranger call her out of the blue and ask to meet her? Of course it would. I had to find a way to meet her casually, but how? And what would she think of me?
I had nothing to offer her. I was 26 years old and I had absolutely nothing to my name. No car, no money, no job, not even my own place. I was suddenly terrified that she would have no interest in getting to know me. But at the same time a small part of me felt like she was longing for this reunion as much as I was. How strange that it felt like a reunion when we had never actually met.
I was drawn to her, of that I was sure and I owed it to myself to find her, to meet her. There had to be some reason that our paths had crossed again. Like Fate was trying to bring us together.
I decided that I needed to get my feet on the ground before I found her. It didn’t take me long to get settled. I had found an apartment by the time Charlie and Claire got back, but I only had a little money left in my savings. Seven years’ worth of savings spent in once careless year floating through Europe. I needed to find a job fast.
I went by the radio station at UCSD and my old station manager put in a good word for me with the marketing department since they had an opening. It was amazing how easy it was to start my life back up almost where I’d left off, like the last year hadn’t even happened. It was strange being back in San Diego. I had never planned on coming back. But I had a reason to be here and now that I was settled it was all I could think about.
I started my search at the last place I’d seen her. I got the phone number for the catering company from Claire and I called to see if they could tell me how I could reach her. I was shocked when a woman told me she had quit and she didn’t know where to find her. It hadn’t been that long since I’d seen her.
I thought about that day and remembered how upset she’d seemed. She had practically run from the building. I wanted desperately to know what could have happened that might have caused her to quit her job.
Then I thought back to the first night I’d seen her in the coffee shop. From the moment our eyes met I had been determined to meet her, but then in one brief moment everything changed and my course was altered. I wondered if she had experienced a similar life altering moment on that fateful day just a few weeks ago.
How strange it would be for some sort of tragedy to strike her life on the same day that our paths crossed again. Was Fate actually trying to bring us together or keep us apart?
All I knew for sure was that I needed to meet her. Something was pulling me to her, something strong. I regretted not meeting her that night in the coffee shop. I regretted not going inside the coffee shop to look for her the next day. I was not going to miss my chance again. I would find her.
I spent the summer searching the UCSD campus and surrounding areas. I had to enroll as a student again to have full access, so I decided to take some more art classes. I had grown to love art during my year in Paris. I was eager to expand my knowledge and ability.
I spent every night at the coffee shop, hoping and praying that I might see her. I asked around but no one seemed to know her. I watched for her everywhere I went, but after several months I began to lose hope. I didn’t know where else to look. I didn’t know where to go.
So I went to the one place I always went when I needed to figure things out. I went to the beach. I easily found my favorite little cliff. I had spent so many nights there in the past. It was nice to be back. More than anywhere else I had been since coming back to San Diego, this place felt like home. I stared out at the stars and thought about my future.
My life had been frozen for so many years. I had gone from my controlled existence with my father to my aimless existence with Elle. I was ready for my life to have direction. The summer art classes I was taking would actually satisfy all the credits I needed for a bachelor’s degree. I could graduate.
I thought of how ironic that was, to have fought so hard against my father only to come back and do exactly what he had wanted. But this time it wouldn’t be for him. It would be for me. I knew I would never stop looking for Katherine, but I needed to start moving forward.
As I stood there gazing down at the moonlit waves imagining her face I heard someone walk up behind me. I didn’t turn around. I tried to ignore them so that they would leave. But I could tell they didn’t leave immediately and I was just about to turn around when I finally heard them walk away. I wondered who else would be out here so late. I had never seen anyone on this cliff before.
I went back to my apartment that night with a new determination. I would graduate. I would get a degree and move forward with my life. If I was meant to find Katherine again I would. And for some reason I felt confident that I would see her again. There was something about her, something about how she made me feel, I knew I was meant to meet her. It was only a matter of time.
I was focused on my new goal. I quickly completed the necessary credits to obtain my degree and had decided to enroll at the Art Institute of California. Drawing was becoming my obsession. I would carry my sketchpad everywhere with me, just like I had in Paris. But this time I was practicing techniques and styles. I was challenging myself with various types of scenery. Back at my apartment I would paint over some of my sketches adding color and life to
the pictures that were my favorite. Most of my paintings were of the ocean.
I never stopped looking for Katherine. Every slender brunette with long hair caught my attention if only momentarily. But as soon as I saw that it wasn’t her I lost all interest. I realized that none of those women would have ever caught my attention had I never seen her. It’s as if my heart knew that it belonged to her even before I did. Until that first night in the coffee shop no woman was of any interest to me, and now only she was. My heart came alive the first time I saw her, and now it only beat for her. But I continued moving forward.
I started the fall semester at the Art Institute and decided it would be easier to find an apartment closer to campus. I had been able to buy a broken down old truck, but the less I had to use it the better. I was lucky that only a few months into the semester an apartment in walking distance to the campus became available. Charlie offered to help me move.
“I don’t remember you having this much stuff when we lived together.” Charlie complained looking at the tower of boxes in my small apartment.
“Me neither” I laughed.
I wondered how much of it could be left behind and not missed. I was not looking forward to the multiple trips across town to relocate it all. I hated moving.
“Where do you want to start?” Charlie asked clapping his hands together. “Big furniture or boxes?”
“Let’s get the big stuff out of the way.” I suggested and we began loading my truck.
I only had a few large pieces of furniture: a bed, couch, dresser and my art easel. We were able to fit it all in one load. It was a short trip across town and we unloaded the truck in front of my new apartment building.
I had been told that students mostly occupied this building due to its close proximity to the Art Institute. The only reason I was able to get an apartment this time of year was because some guy had dropped out.
I was relieved that we had been able to get all the furniture over in one trip. One more would probably get all the boxes. My mood was beginning to brighten as I realized this might not take all day.
My lighter mood quickly darkened when I saw the Out of Order sign hung across the elevator doors. My apartment was on the 3rd floor!
“You’ve got to be kidding me.” Charlie muttered noting the sign.
“Maybe we should just leave the furniture down here and run back to get the boxes.” He suggested.
“Do you think anyone would mind?” I didn’t want to make a bad first impression with my new neighbors.
“It’ll be fine” he assured me. “Looks like that old hallway over there is just a dead end, we can leave the stuff there and it shouldn’t be in anybody’s way. Besides we won’t be long”
I looked down the short hallway and saw that there were no doors. The hallway did continue around a bend but I couldn’t imagine anyone’s room being down there. So we moved everything into the hallway and went back for the load of boxes.
When we got back with the truck full of boxes we began lugging them up the stairs first. After 5 trips up the three flights of stairs the boxes finally filled my new apartment. I was already exhausted and dreaded the long trip with the larger pieces of furniture.
“How about we just get the bed up here tonight?” Charlie suggested mirroring my thoughts.
“Works for me” I panted trying to catch my breath.
We moved the bed upstairs with great effort and I gladly collapsed on it as soon as it hit the floor.
“I’m almost tempted to move the couch up here just so I can crash on it and not have to drive home. I’m exhausted!” Charlie exclaimed.
I laughed but didn’t move from my position face down on the bed. He promised to come back in the morning to help me with the rest. I was asleep before he was out the door.
Charlie woke me early the next morning and my muscles protested as I pulled myself out of bed. I was practically sleep walking as I followed Charlie down the stairs.
“Oops, I guess someone did mind”
Charlie’s strange comment woke me from my stupor and I looked up to see a handwritten sign attached to my easel.
Move your stuff
I stared at the piece of paper and thought: So much for neighborly hospitality. It’s not like my “stuff” was actually blocking anything, it was just sitting in some abandoned back hallway. I began to bristle at how rude it was for someone to put a note on my things assuming I was some degenerate that would just leave my furniture there and forget about it. I tore the paper off my easel and crumpled it up throwing it to the floor.
“Come on” I grumbled to Charlie as I grabbed one end of the couch.
He picked up his end and we moved silently to the staircase. We were just about to the second floor when I heard some girls coming down the stairs. I couldn’t see them because the couch obstructed my view.
“Excuse me.” I heard one of them say sounding a little annoyed.
“Where do you want me to go? I’m holding a couch!” Charlie retorted, clearly annoyed himself.
I strained to look around the couch but couldn’t see anything. I could tell Charlie had stopped moving so I just stood there holding one end of the heavy couch wondering what the hold up was.
Finally I realized we were standing still to allow the girls to slide past us. They were carrying some large box and both were moving extremely slowly like the box held some very fragile cargo. I was tired and annoyed with their slow pace. Could they not see we were holding a couch? As the girls passed I tried to catch a glimpse of them. One was blonde and the other brunette, both with matching cropped hairstyles.
“Must be our considerate new neighbor.” The brunette mumbled as they passed.
I wondered if she was the one who had left the note.
“You know you could have used the freight elevator instead of blocking it!” She called over her shoulder as they rounded the corner.
I turned to ask her what she meant but they were already gone from sight.
We finally got the couch to the apartment and sat down for a few minutes to recover before we headed back down to get the easel and dresser. When we got back down stairs I saw the same crumpled paper straightened back out and re-attached to my easel. This time it had a new message
Look down the hall
I did, and was embarrassed to find a freight elevator just around the bend. The trip up with the remaining furniture was much easier in the elevator.
I thought about the brunette girl from the stairs and wasn’t exactly sure what to think of her. Her first note and behavior on the stairs was rude, but I was grateful that she had taken the time to update her note and alert me to the existence of the extra elevator. If I saw her again I would thank her.
I thanked Charlie for his help and he assured me that it would be re-paid once he and Claire had saved up enough for their first house.
After he left, the image of the girl I had seen on the stairs nagged at me. Her brunette hair had been short, but it had been the exact same color, and she had been tall and slender. I wished I had seen her face. Surely it couldn’t be her. I shouldn’t get my hopes up. But the curiosity was planted. I hoped I would bump into her again. That shouldn’t be too hard, I thought, since it seemed we lived in the same building.
Chapter 11: The Bakery
I didn’t see Jared again after that night that I’d run from him and left him standing in my apartment. I felt guilty, but also relieved that he hadn’t called.
I had exactly what I needed: a fresh start. A new school, a new apartment, a new look. A new me. I had asked Amy to cut my hair in a style similar to hers. At first she protested, but finally agreed. It was strange having short hair, but I liked it. I felt like a new person.
I absolutely loved the culinary program at the Art Institute. I knew I had found my calling. I wasn’t so thrilled, however, with my apartment near campus. It had been quiet the summer I had spent there alone, but as soon as the fall semester started the building had filled up. We lived on the secon
d floor and the guy who lived directly above us was apparently a musician and he played the tuba all night long.
He played the creepiest music. It was like living in some sort of really long drawn out scary movie. At first it was unnerving to lie in bed hearing the strange tunes wafting through the walls in the middle of the night. It sounded like the kind of music you heard in horror movies right before the crazed serial killer attacks the unsuspecting victims.
After a couple of months, I was praying for the serial killer to just show up already. I was so relieved when I saw him moving out mid-semester. Anyone would be better than him.
The apartment was not vacant for long. One Sunday shortly after the tuba player had moved out I noticed somebody had left a bunch of furniture stacked in the hallway leading to the freight elevator. I was a little annoyed because the passenger elevator was out of order and I couldn’t get around the furniture to get to the only other elevator down the blocked hall. But I figured it wouldn’t kill me to walk up the two flights of stairs to my apartment. I was sure the person was just in the process of moving their stuff and it would be gone in the morning.
That next morning I had a very important presentation to give in one of my baking classes and I had stayed up all night working on my project. It was a specialty cake that I had designed myself. I stacked several layers of flat rounds to create a pillar. Then I carved a perfect sphere out of angel food cake to top it off. I iced the globe an iridescent blue so that it resembled a crystal ball. The bottom layers were iced with a dark chocolate to mimic a wooden podium holding the crystal ball. It had taken me four tries to get that crystal ball just right, but sometime around sunrise I had finished and it was perfect. The instructor had simply told us to create something original, and I had allowed my imagination to run wild. It had been exhilarating and I couldn’t wait to make my presentation.