Standing at the fridge, Alex glared at him playfully. “She was just going to give us a call when she left the purse convention.”
He laughed. It was fun teasing her, although they’d been so busy today he hadn’t had much time to give her shit for what had happened earlier. But there was no denying it, she’d been a tiny bit jealous. If there was one thing he’d been witness to in his life, it was jealous women. It was still hard to believe that was what he’d seen in Alex’s eyes, but the minute she’d come out of the RV and taken in Whitney—and he understood, there was a lot to take in—he saw it come over her face. Maybe it was just a woman jealous of another, in general. Whitney was bold, and she put off a bit of an arrogant vibe, so it was possible her presence had just rubbed Alex the wrong way and it had absolutely nothing to do with him. But he kind of liked the idea that it might have.
One thing that had been bothering him all afternoon, though, was the idea that she must think he screwed every woman he came in contact with. It was far from true. Yes, he’d been a bachelor his entire adult life, and sure he took advantage of that. More than the average man? It was hard to say. He didn’t feel like he did. And he also wasn’t an asshole. He always treated every woman with the utmost respect. Never left their bed in the middle of the night or asked them to leave his. Plus, he’d really cooled it over the past year or so. Meaningless flings didn’t hold the same appeal they did in the past.
He watched Alex walk back toward the bedroom with a bottle of water in her hand. They hadn’t really discussed what they’d do this evening, so he followed her back and knocked on the wall as he stood in the doorway.
She had sat down on the side of the mattress, but now looked at him. “Hey,” she said in response to his presence.
“Hey. I was just thinking, just because my mom’s not really here doesn’t mean we can’t go out to dinner. I’m starving, and I’m sure you are too. Or we could go see part of the show.”
She considered that. “I’d considered going to watch, but honestly I’m not a big country music fan. But dinner would be good. What are you in the mood for?”
“I’m easy. You pick.”
“Okay,” she said before giving him a mischievous grin. “How about Pho?”
He cringed. “Pick again.”
She laughed. “How about Italian?”
Tilting his head, he narrowed his eyes. “You just spent a year in Italy. I don’t think there’s anything here that will compare.”
“Of course not. But as crazy as it sounds, I’ve been craving an Olive Garden salad. Right now I could probably eat one all by myself.” She motioned toward him. “Unless it’s not Italian enough for you?”
“SpaghettiOs are Italian in my world. Want to find the nearest one on your phone?” he asked, leaning on the doorframe. He watched as she pulled out her device and began to type. She twisted her lips to the side, something he noticed she did when she was concentrating.
It had been really nice having her there with him today, and surprisingly, he’d noticed that more women seemed to come up to try samples with Alex there. Maybe it was more comfortable for some women to approach another woman, or maybe having two of them made things run more smoothly, which made the booth appear less crowded so more people were likely to approach. Who knew, but it had been a good day.
At one point in the afternoon he’d caught sight of Amanda Frye driving by their booth in her golf cart. He’d almost pretended not to notice her, but then decided to lift his hand in a wave. She’d turned away, pretending not to see him.
Her sly drive by, and the fact that he now knew that her phone call had most likely been prompted by jealousy, made him feel only slightly better. But the fact of the matter was, her call could have been legitimate, and he knew it. And wasn’t proud of it. Whitney’s visit in front of Alex was a harsh reminder that maybe his carousing had gotten a little out of hand in the past.
“Listen, I just want you to know,” he started. Alex’s fingers paused and she glanced up at him. “What happened today, that’s not going to be how it is on every stop.”
“You mean there aren’t Whitneys in every town?”
“Absolutely not. In fact, I haven’t even been with a woman in months.”
Her eyes went wide before she let out an awkward chuckle. “You don’t owe me any explanations, Jake. I hope I didn’t make you feel that way.”
“No, I’m sorry, I…” What the hell was he doing? Why had he offered up that bit of information, acting like she was concerned about his sex life? “Forget I said that. I guess I’m just feeling a little defensive after what’s happened this past week.”
She let her hands drop down to the bed. “Don’t. Please. You’re a good guy, I know that, and I shouldn’t have butted in today. I’m not even sure why I did. I saw her out the window and … you…”
Alex swallowed. She wasn’t looking at him anymore, rather gazing out the small bedroom window at the sun setting over the trees.
“Were you a little jealous?” he asked quietly.
She let out a hard breath, as if his words had pulled the air from her lungs. Her eyes met his and held for a long silent moment until she finally spoke quietly. “Yes.”
The instant look of shame as she dropped her head down in embarrassment made him regret being so forward. He wasn’t even sure why he’d asked. Maybe because he wanted them both to feel like they could be honest with each other.
“That sounds so stupid,” she said, her eyes getting a little glassy. “I kept telling myself it wasn’t jealousy though. But it was a little bit. You’re right. I mean, when she made that blatant innuendo, not even knowing who I was, I guess it irked me a little. That’s all.”
“I get that,” he said, surprised about how worked up she’d gotten there for a second. “For all she knew, we were a couple.”
“Right? She had no idea. I just thought it was kind of rude. That was it. I mean, yeah. That was all it was. Like, what … there was no way you would be here with me? Anyway…”
She shook her head and let out a forced laugh as she went back to her phone. She was pulling back on her admission, but he wasn’t going to challenge her. He’d already pushed too much and didn’t feel great about the outcome. He never wanted her to feel uncomfortable around him.
“Well, I just wanted you to know that it won’t happen again. You won’t have to deal with my past every damn stop we make.”
“You are two for two, you know,” she said with a half smile.
He pointed at her playfully. “Hey, I did not hook up with anyone from that boat. Swear. Now let’s go get you a giant salad.”
“And breadsticks,” she called out.
The rest of the evening they were thankfully back to normal, discussing how the day went, talking about the next stop. Alex had a lot of ideas for marketing and the booth setup, and he liked discussing all of it with her. Of course both of them steered clear of any more conversation about what had happened or the jealousy discussion.
But that night when he settled onto the pull-out bed and grabbed the book he’d been reading, he could have sworn he heard her sniffling. Damn. It was sort of difficult to hear, considering the concert had just gotten over and the sound of people walking to their cars was like a high school full of drunk people at the end of a school day. Laughing, yelling, singing, and even horns honking. But soon they’d all be gone and it would get fairly quiet again.
He tried to listen again, hating the thought that something he’d done or said may have caused her to be upset. She’d seemed fine at dinner, but one thing he’d learned about Alex was that she could hold her emotions in when she wanted to. Especially if it would protect the feelings of another person. He laid there, debating if he should check on her. They’d discussed a lot of personal things over the past year, but doing so like this might not be as easy for her. Especially if it was because of him, but he couldn’t stand the thought of her in there upset.
Reaching up on the window ledge, he grabbed his
cell phone and opened the text app. He lay there for a minute debating how he should word this. He didn’t want to embarrass her by implying he could hear her, but then again, why else would he bother texting if he couldn’t? Taking a risk, he typed out a quick message.
JAKE: You okay?
He didn’t hear her phone get a notification, so either she had turned it off or it was on silent. When she didn’t reply after a moment, he laid the phone down. As he adjusted himself on the pull-out bed, he heard feet shuffling and looked up to see her standing in the kitchen.
“Hi,” she said quietly.
“Hi. I didn’t wake you up did I?”
She just shook her head, her eyes a little puffy. Every instinct in his body wanted to get up and hold her, beg her to tell him what was wrong and what he could do to make it better.
“Want to hang out?” he asked, nodding to his bed, praying it didn’t come across as creepy or anything inappropriate.
Thankfully she came over and sat down, legs crossed. He rolled over onto his side and rested his head on his hand. She slept in tiny little shorts and a tank top, and for the love of all that was holy, she had no bra on. He forced his eyes on hers. “Talk to me.”
She pulled all her hair around to one side of her neck and held onto it. “I’ve been thinking a lot the past couple of days.”
“What about?”
Dropping both of her hands, she sighed and began to pick at the blanket. “Do you think I made the decision to accept the CIA job too quickly?”
His eyebrows went up. This was not at all about what he’d thought. “I don’t know, Alex. I don’t think that’s something anyone but you can answer. Are you having second thoughts?”
“No. Well, maybe, but not because I don’t want the job. Because I do.”
“Then what’s going on?” It was difficult not to touch her as he spoke. Her knee was right there near him, her skin looking soft.
“The last few months in Italy I felt like I’d really turned a corner. I’d been happy. I was reading all these motivational self-help books. I just really thought I finally knew what I was supposed to do.”
He nodded. “Yes. You seemed the happiest you’d been all year.”
“I was. And I thought coming home would make me even happier.”
“It hasn’t?”
She let her head fall back and stared at the ceiling, the long line of her neck creating a direct line down to her chest. With her eyes averted, he took her in, the soft angle of her jaw and throat, the swell of her breast.
“Not entirely,” she said.
Her voice brought his eyes back to her face. Finally she looked back down at him. “I sort of feel like I’m having to deal with some of my grief emotions all over again. I thought I’d gotten past imagining doing daily things with Nate, feeling sad, angry. But it’s back. My guilt … it’s worse than ever. And that is what makes me question every decision I’m making.”
“Don’t you think maybe that’s normal? You’re back in a comfortable element. Maybe it was easier in Italy because it was all new.”
She nodded. “I thought about that. But thoughts of him keep making me doubt myself. The me that was marrying Nate was happy with the idea of coming home and starting a family. Getting normal jobs close to home. But the me that’s now on my own wants none of that. I want to explore and be independent, work in a new town, and do an important job. And that makes me feel … like I’m being disloyal to his memory. I mean, had I deep down not wanted him all along?”
Jake shook his head and couldn’t help himself, he reached out and palmed her knee. “Don’t do that to yourself, Alex. The truth is, you’re no longer the same person that you were when Nate was alive. And yeah, maybe part of you, deep down, wanted to do something exciting and amazing, most people do. But we know that when we love someone we often have to make sacrifices. That’s normal.”
She nodded, a tear escaping her eye that she quickly wiped away.
“I think…” He carefully considered his words because he honestly had no idea what he thought or what he was saying. But he wanted to help. “I think you can want more than one thing at any given time. But one thing is just more important in that moment. When Nate was alive, you wanted him more than anything and that was more important. I’m sure there were things he secretly wanted that he couldn’t accomplish if he wanted to be your husband.”
She laughed out loud at that, wiping at her tears. “God, you’re right. He did always talk about being a commercial airline pilot. I never took it that seriously because he’d follow it up with a comment about how that would mean too much time away. But, damn, I bet he would have done it in a heartbeat if he hadn’t met me.”
“Without a doubt,” Jake said. “But he wanted you more.”
Her lips quivered. “I’d let him be any kind of pilot he wanted if I could have him back. We’d make it work.”
“That’s the thing about hindsight,” he said, squeezing her knee. She laid her hand on his, her thumb looping around his. Had she even noticed she’d done it? “I bet if he could come back, he’d fly right to Virginia for you. But now you have to do what’s best for you, and just make him proud.”
Another tear slid down her cheek and she sniffled. Jake got up off the bed, grabbed the closest thing he could see—a paper towel—and handed it to her. After she blew her nose, he lifted up the blanket on his bed. He didn’t say anything, but she climbed in immediately and snuggled up beside him, her back to his front.
Holy hell.
She angled back and looked at him over her shoulder. “Sorry you had to trade in a hot night with Boots for listening to a crying widow.”
He rubbed her shoulder. “Aw, Alex, I’d rather be here for you than get laid anytime.”
She laughed, which was what he’d hoped for, but at the same time, he realized that he absolutely meant it. At least right now in this moment. “Get some sleep,” he said.
Nodding, she positioned herself onto the pillow a little better and he reached for the other one and turned out the light before getting comfortable himself at a reasonable distance.
They lay there a moment in silence before she finally spoke quietly. “I really am grateful for you, Jake. You’ve been the best friend to me. Thank you for listening.”
“Always,” he said.
Eight
Day 413 Day 6 on tour
Yesterday was a long day of driving but it was nice to relax after working hard all weekend. We stopped in Jackson, Mississippi, for lunch and had the most amazing burgers. Pretty sure Jake managed to get a new account with the manager. I swear that man could charm a nun. He’s so sweet and I’m really lucky to have him as a friend.
It’s nice to see and do things that have no memories attached to anyone I’ve lost. Although Nate had never been to Italy, every sight there had his face on it because I’d cried for him at nearly every turn. I was so ready to be away from the base because it represented so much of our life. Mine and Nate’s together. It was our everything. Now, everything is new, and belongs only to me, which is both good and makes me sad sometimes. It’s fun to do this with Jake, though. I love that I can share my thoughts with him and not worry about hurting his feelings. I couldn’t do that with Nate. In some ways, Jake knows more about my dreams than Nate ever did. Is that weird?
Anyway, this trip was a good idea. Even the drive is relaxing. Listening to music, talking about any random subject that comes up. Jake doesn’t even mind when I play folk music.
Today we’re in New Orleans and I’m so excited. I’ve never been. I don’t know if Nate had ever been there, but considering he was from Atlanta, there’s a good chance he had. We never discussed it. I’m glad. I don’t want to see him there. I need New Orleans to be mine. Today I plan on feeling carefree. Beignets … I’m coming for you!
Alex shoved her journal into her bag and glanced around the room, waiting. They’d arrived in New Orleans late the evening before and came straight to the hotel where they’d be attend
ing a liquor convention on Wednesday. As a vendor, they were given a room for two nights at a deep discount, so Jake had allowed her to stay there while he stayed in the RV at a park nearby. She’d offered to share the room with him, but he’d said no. It had been weird and a little lonely after sleeping in the RV for several nights.
A knock came at the hotel room door. They’d agreed that he’d come up this morning and use the shower, which had been great after the tiny RV shower they’d been using. She’d already been up, gone for a gorgeous run through Woldenberg Park, all the way to Jackson Square and back, and was now showered and ready.
She opened the door to find him standing there, hair mussed adorably, holding a backpack over his shoulder.
“Good morning,” she said.
“Morning,” he answered in a raspy voice as he looked her up and down. “You ever sleep in?”
“Can’t. I’m just so used to getting up early. Army problems. Plus, once I’m awake my mind starts working and there’s no drifting back to sleep.” She stepped out of the way so he could come in.
“Let me guess. You’ve already run through every street in town.”
She rolled her eyes playfully. “Only half.”
“You sleep okay in here?” he asked, looking around.
“Honestly? I like the RV bed better.”
“I’m not surprised. It’s a pretty good bed. I love it.”
She frowned. “I’m sorry. We should switch it up from now on. It’s not fair that you’ve been sleeping on the pull-out.” She didn’t mention that they’d slept there together the other night.
“I didn’t last night,” he said with a wink.
“Well, still. I had it four nights.” She quickly tried to think about what she’d left in that bedroom. Hadn’t her bra been strewn over the little closet door? She said a silent prayer that nothing more embarrassing than that had been left out.
Maybe for You--A Whiskey and Weddings Novel Page 10