by Glynis Astie
“Bullshit. Bastiaan and I were on our phones researching stores which were still open whenever you went into the kitchen.”
It was all falling into place. “So the two of you kept asking for different condiments to buy more time.”
He had the grace to look ashamed. “And why I pretended not to know where anything was in the kitchen.”
I giggled. “I really wanted to kill you after the tenth time you asked me for something. I was so hungry!”
“And I was desperate.”
For the next hour, we happily fed each other cake and drank the expensive bottle of champagne Bastiaan had given us. We then made our way to the bedroom for the dessert I had been waiting for all day. With each touch, I reveled jubilantly in the sweetness I had been craving.
What an amazing night it had turned out to be. It was really strange to go from wanting to kill your husband to feeling incredibly cherished by him. After the last few months of unpredictability, I was grateful for an evening that ended in bliss. The more I thought about it, the evening was an analogy of our relationship thus far. Despite a few bumps in the road, we were at long last getting it right. Hallelujah!
Chapter Twelve
A week into Bastiaan’s absence, Louis’ nerves were starting to fray. He was in a holding pattern with three different jobs and was at a standstill with the rest of his employment search. (With the limited job market, new listings were extremely rare and there were only so many times a day you could call recruiters before they assigned you stalker status.) Since I was saving all of my vacation time for our trip to France, I was not able to take any time off to help distract him.
This meant my day was peppered with phone calls from my patently bored husband reaching out for a lifeline during his long hours in the apartment. I kept trying to get him to go out for a little fresh air, for both our sakes, but he was too paranoid he would miss a call from a recruiter. Never mind that they ALL had his cell phone number. There was simply no reasoning with him. Apparently Crazy Louis was now in residence. I found myself counting the days until Bastiaan came back to the states.
With the French wedding just over a month away, Louis’ mom was going into overdrive. Let me impress upon you the incredibly frightening reality of Simone Durand in overdrive. When the wedding was months away she called one to four times a day, depending on how busy she was gossiping with her friends. She was now calling at least TWENTY times per day. AT LEAST TWENTY TIMES PER DAY. Keep in mind these conversations were never short. EVER. On top of this, she now had no regard for the time difference and would sometimes call in the wee hours of the morning, claiming the matter was absolutely crucial. Louis kept reminding her she had all the decision making power, but she insisted his input was really important to her. Personally, I think she was simply enjoying fucking with us.
It was in light of this desperate situation, I chose to splurge for Louis’ birthday and booked a night at a hotel in San Francisco. I knew we couldn’t afford it, but I also knew if Louis didn’t get out of the apartment for an extended period of time and I didn’t get away from his mother’s crazy late night phone calls, someone was going to get hurt. I found a great midweek deal at the Hyatt and was graciously granted permission by my boss to come in at noon the next day. I think she was hoping this night away would help to return Normal Sydney to the building. Crazy Sydney had been showing up at the office a little too regularly over the past couple of weeks…
I left work that night with a spring in my step. Louis and I were going to have some time alone together with NO distractions. (Read: NO Simone.) We chatted happily in the car on the way up to San Francisco and had just settled into our room when his cell phone rang. He looked at me and winced.
I rolled my eyes. “Is it your mother?”
He nodded. “Who else would it be?” He regarded me with sad eyes. He knew I would expect him to answer it because not answering only multiplied the number of calls.
I thought about it. “OK, as a special birthday present – to both of us – you don’t have to answer any of your mother’s calls for the rest of our stay in this hotel.” His mother had gone completely rogue with both the number and the timing of her calls. She deserved to go without communication from her son for a day or two.
He grinned from ear to ear. “I love you so much, mon coeur.”
I laughed. “You’re a grown man, you know. You don’t have to do what I ask you to do. You could have refused her calls even when I asked you to take them.”
He turned off his phone and pulled me into his arms. “I know. But if you are fine with my not taking her calls then she has gone too far and needs a cooling off period. You, my beautiful wife, are far more patient than I am.”
I put my forehead against his. “I see. I’m your barometer.”
He chuckled softly and began kissing my neck. “Something like that. Now let’s see what we can do about all of this pesky clothing…”
The night Louis and I spent in San Francisco was miraculous. With no interruptions, we were able to focus solely on each other and savor the passion which had ignited our relationship last year. We took long, luxurious showers and spent hours making love by the fire. (Yes, our circumstances had become so dire to warrant such a crazy expense.) I was so enraptured with my husband, the thought of food didn’t even cross my mind until eleven o’clock at night. This was a new record for me, since I come with feeding instructions which dictate snacks every two hours. Apparently, my need for my husband far outweighed my need for food.
To my great surprise, we were awakened at six o’clock the next morning by MY cell phone. I recognized Kate’s ring tone immediately and lunged for my purse. Before I even said hello, I heard Kate’s voice echoing in my ear.
“Make it stop! Make it stop! Make it stop!” She shrieked.
I was bewildered. “Make what stop?”
“The phone calls! Make them stop!”
Phone calls? Had my sister lost her mind? “Kate! Who is calling you?”
She was on the verge of hyperventilating. “Simone! Simone! Simone! Your insane mother-in-law won’t stop calling me!”
What the fuck? Why would she call Kate? “I don’t understand. Is everything alright?”
Louis came up behind me. “What is going on?”
I shrugged my shoulders at him as Kate started shrieking again. “She wants his opinion on the ring bearer! She keeps calling!”
I turned to Louis. “How did your mom get Kate’s number?”
The color drained from his face. “My cell phone wasn’t working for a couple of weeks, so I gave her the number in case we were visiting with Kate and Nick. I told her it was only for emergencies.”
Clearly his mother had a very different definition of emergencies than most people. What the hell had I gotten myself into? I was very grateful there were thousands of miles between us and his mother AND that I could not speak French. I wanted no part of this mess. (I was also grateful Louis had never given his mother my cell phone number. I’m thinking this might have had something to do with a teeny-weeny threat on his life if he ever decided to do so…)
Louis took the phone from me. “Kate, I am so sorry for my mother’s behavior. I turned off my phone for a few hours…I had no idea this would happen. What can I do to make it up to you?”
I held my breath while we waited for an answer. God knows what she would ask for. God knows what she had been through in the last few hours. Kate needed whatever precious sleep she could get and Simone had no doubt taken most, if not all, of that from her. Simone was VERY lucky to be out of Kate’s reach at the moment.
Louis smiled. “Done. I will be there in one hour.” He hung up the phone and handed it back to me.
I regarded him cautiously. “How are you going to pay the piper?” Seriously, he owed her big time for her exposure to his mother’s shenanigans.
He raised his eyebrows at me. “Who is the piper?”
Damn these stupid American expressions. “What are you going to
do to help Kate?”
He grinned. “Got it. I am going to take care of Sam so she can rest and get some things done. I think I promised myself to her for the day.”
So much for the romantic morning we had planned. If he had promised Kate he would be there in an hour that meant we had to leave…right now. Crap. Not even time for a quickie in the shower.
Louis and I raced around the room gathering our belongings and were on our way to Kate’s house in ten minutes flat. My appearance was borderline horrific, but I doubted anyone in the Wilson household would care. My suspicion was no one slept very well last night.
Extremely Grumpy Kate answered the door. She didn’t speak, she only scowled and handed Sam to Louis. A minute later she was gone, leaving no direction for Louis. This was highly unusual for Kate. There were typically lists and diagrams and perhaps even a few instructional videos.
A quick look around told me Nick was not in residence. It was now seven-thirty and I knew he didn’t leave for work until eight. He rarely ever left the house before he absolutely had to. Where was he? Was he driven from the house by the endless phone calls? I felt like I was forgetting something…
The note taped to the fridge reminded me in an instant. Nick was out of town! Shit! Having no husband made last night even worse for Kate. I sank down at the kitchen table opposite Louis and a very happy Sam. She was staring up at Louis with wonder in her eyes and would coo and smile at him every couple of minutes.
I already felt better. Sam’s smile could cure anyone’s woes. Even the great Louis Durand. Why didn’t I think of this before? Suddenly, Bastiaan’s absence was not such a bad thing. With more time on his hands, Louis could come here and smile rather than go to the martial arts studio and engage in combat with grown men. Sure the combat option was helpful in getting out all of his aggression, but Sam could give him something even better. Pure happiness! The end results of his visits with Sam would be good for all of us.
There was only one small problem. Louis knew absolutely nothing about babies. He was an only child and the youngest of all his cousins. There had been no babies in his social circle when he was growing up, so he hadn’t been exposed to how to care for them. I had just enough time to give him a crash course before I had to go to work. This would leave no margin for error.
I ran to the study and grabbed What to Expect the First Year and The Girlfriends’ Guide to Surviving the 1st Year. Both provided excellent sources of information, but the latter title also made you laugh. This was always a good thing when you felt like you were going to cry because you couldn’t figure out what the hell your cute little baby wanted.
In the span of three and a half hours, Louis and I went over feeding, changing, sleeping and intellectual stimulation. (Yes, even babies enjoy lively conversation now and then. Louis could educate Sam on the wonders of the Ultimate Fighting Championship!) I showed him where to find all of the important items – diapers, wipes, onesies, pajamas, Kate’s stored breast milk and most importantly, Piggy. Piggy had been given to Sam on the day she was born. He was a beautiful, cuddly, newborn-safe little slice of pink heaven. Sam absolutely adored her Piggy and wouldn’t sleep without him.
I stared Louis straight in the eye. “Do not lose Piggy.”
He saluted me. “Don’t worry. I won’t lose the pig.” Sam peered up at him from her bouncy seat and gurgled. “See, Syd? She knows she can trust her Uncle Bluey.”
The poor bastard had no idea what he was in for. “Don’t joke. If she doesn’t have Piggy, she doesn’t sleep.” And if she doesn’t sleep, you will not survive.
He was doing his best not to roll his eyes at me. “Syd, we will be fine.”
I tried not to worry. “Bluey, she has a sixth sense when it comes to Piggy. If something happens to him, your life will be hell.”
He sighed. “Syd, relax. Go to work. We will be fine.”
I knelt down to say good-bye to Sam and whispered, “Go easy on him, sweetie. He’s not as tough as he looks.”
I kissed Louis and crossed my fingers everyone would make it through the afternoon in one piece. The last thing I saw was Louis shaking his head at me as I walked to my car.
The first hour of Louis’ shift passed without incident. It was during hour two that the phone calls began. First Louis had trouble with the breast milk. He somehow managed to burn the first batch while heating it up in the microwave, which was not the Kate Wilson required method, but he had waited too long to feed her and using the sanctioned stovetop method would have taken too long. Strike one.
Then, he somehow managed to drop a full diaper onto the floor, causing Sam’s room to reek of poop despite his repeated attempts to clean the rug. Nap time was in serious danger. Who could relax enough to sleep in a room smelling of poop? Strike two. Finally, he forgot to turn on the vibrating mechanism on the bouncy chair, denying Sam her afternoon massage. This put her in quite a wicked mood. A massive strike three, Louis. You’re out.
However, all this was nothing in comparison to his last mistake. During the diaper incident, a small amount of poop splattered onto Piggy. Louis decided it would be a good idea to put Piggy in the washing machine to remove not only the odor but also the vast array of germs which now inhabited Sam’s coveted companion. Thirty minutes later, Kate and Nick’s washing machine held the remains of poor Piggy. It would seem even the gentle cycle was too much for him to survive.
When Louis called me to relay all of the above, I let myself have a small laugh (covering the phone the entire time, of course.) Despite my best efforts, I was unable to calm him down. Though I imagined Sam’s indignant cries had made it an impossible task. There had to be a solution. Think, Sydney! Think!
I hung up and quickly called Kate. She had gone out to run a few errands and I didn’t want Louis to call her in his current state of hysteria, sending her running home once she heard both his distress and her distraught daughter in the background.
She picked up right away. “Syd? Is everything alright?”
Shit. She already knows something is wrong. Be very careful, Sydney. Be very, very careful. “Everything is fine, Kate. No cause for alarm.”
She was silent. I wonder if she bought my bravado. I was pretty convincing, right? Right? Oh, who am I kidding? She always knows when I’m hiding something! I’m so dead!
I cleared my throat. “I have a quick question. Um…do you by any chance…have….um another animal Sam likes?
“Sydney Julia Durand. What has happened to Piggy?” Uh oh. Her voice was almost unrecognizable. She didn’t even speak, it was more of a growl.
“Um…Louis tried to wash him, because there was poop on him…”
She cut me off in a second. “Poop on Piggy?”
Yikes! She was going to kill my husband. I texted Nick frantically to see if he had a solution. He was probably in a meeting, but it was worth a shot.
I could hear her car starting in the background. She switched me over to her speakerphone. Kate was nothing if not a responsible driver. Although, she was most likely racing home to commit murder…
As I wracked my brain for something to say to her to calm her down, I received a text from Nick. Thank God! Piggy has a twin!
“Kate!” OK, I need to calm down too. I lowered my voice. “Kate, I can call Louis and tell him where Piggy, the second is.”
“Piggy the second is only for emergencies, Sydney.” Ouch. She’s still really pissed.
“Um…I think this is the definition of an emergency, Kate. Piggy is in pieces.”
The string of expletives which came out of Kate’s mouth was both frightening and hysterical. For the moment, fear won out and I simply quaked in my boots.
After a minute or two, Kate said, “You make sure your husband finds the replacement pig. Or it’s his ass.” Damn! Perfect Kate may be back, but she sure has an attitude.
Click.
I quickly called Louis and told him the location of the backup Piggy. I decided not to share Kate’s last words with him until his curre
nt crisis was over. He and I would scour the internet this evening for Piggy the third. The important thing was Sam would now take her nap. And Louis was safe from my sister, as least for the moment.
After I put Louis to bed that evening (Sam had sapped every last ounce of energy out of him), I thought about the eye opening experience he had been through. When I tucked him in, he had profusely apologized to me for ever doubting how much energy and attention child rearing took. He looked deeply into my eyes and whispered that he didn’t want to consider children for a few years. With a hint of fear still lingering in his eyes, he told me he would need to build up much more stamina in order to have a chance of surviving being a father. I heartily agreed with him. Life was complicated enough without introducing a mini Louis into the fray. And a mini Sydney would probably kill us both.
Chapter Thirteen
After last week’s phone stalking disaster, Louis made sure to keep regular contact with his mother. With less than four weeks until the wedding, his mother was spinning faster than the Tasmanian devil in a last ditch attempt to ensure every single detail was perfect. (Maybe we had more in common than I originally thought.) Unfortunately, this massive burst of French energy coincided with Louis’ final round of interviews for a job he desperately wanted.
He had been through three rounds of interviews for this company over the last three weeks and his nerves were shot. He was having trouble sleeping and had begun twitching spontaneously during the day. I knew he was so close to getting a job he could taste it, but he was afraid to hope this phase of uncertainty would truly be over. I crossed my fingers he would have some relief soon.
Amidst the pressure of Louis’ job search and the strain of the final stages of both weddings, Simone Durand did something so egregious, she sent her son over the edge. (As if the CONSTANT phone calls weren’t enough to kill us both.) What could she possibly have done to cause the final blow? While she had accepted that we wouldn’t get married in a church, due to Louis’ status as an atheist, she had not accepted Louis’ request to not invite the town priest to the wedding. I had NEVER seen him so irate. It really freaked me out to see him this way, but I had no choice but to keep it together, because we couldn’t afford to have both of us locked up in a mental institution. Although given his current state of mind, I think Louis might end up in prison…most likely a French prison.