by Chrys Cymri
‘The bats in the church.’ I coughed. ‘They’re actually vampires.’
She visibly paled. ‘How often do they feed?’
‘Oh, don’t worry,’ I said quickly. ‘They don’t like our blood. Seems it’s been ruined by too much fat and processed sugar.’
‘I’m very glad to hear it.’ Rosie leaned forward. ‘So, Penny, your dream is finally coming true. You’ll be living in Lloegyr full time. Excited?’
‘Intensely.’
Her bright eyes searched mine. ‘Will you want to come back?’
I shrugged. ‘I guess I’ll have to.’
‘And then move on?’ She smiled sadly. ‘Isn’t that what usually happens after a sabbatical? The vicar moves on.’
‘I don’t think many of our church members would be sorry to see me go.’
‘Don’t be ridiculous. You have more friends in the congregation than you realise.’ Rosie sighed. ‘It’s the nature of the role. So often, we don’t find out what good we’ve done until after we’ve left. But I do hope you come back, Penny. I think God still has plans for you here.’
I nodded politely. But I was already thinking of the first sermon I’d deliver to my new congregation. And how I’d set up the visiting rota. And how Morey would deacon at services. Clyde would join the Sunday school, of course. Was there a local dignitary, like a mayor, who needed a chaplain?
A laugh from Rosie brought my focus back to her. ‘There you go. Off with the dragons again. I just hope it lives up to your expectations.’
‘Of course it will.’ And then I asked her about her grandchildren, and I made sympathetic noises about ‘children today.’
<><><><><><>
Some of my congregation insisted on seeing me before I left. I managed to fit in my pastoral visits around packing clothes into the large leather sacks a dragon dropped into the back garden. James and I quizzed Morey about the availability of essentials such as toilet paper and toothpaste.
The bulging sacks were collected by a van and, we were assured, would be taken to a thin place. Dragons from a firm called ‘D & D Removals’ would collect them. Our possessions would be waiting for us in the Caer-grawnt rectory. Memories of bad experiences with removal firms gave me a couple of sleepless nights, but it wasn’t like I could check out reviews of the firm on Trustpilot.
‘But what do I do about Clyde?’ I asked James on Saturday. A sudden panic that Lloegyr might not provide one of Britain’s great food traditions had sent us out to the local chippie for fish and chips. ‘I can’t take the outdoor run with me.’
James used a chip to make patterns with the ketchup on his plate. ‘Well, he comes from Lloegyr, doesn’t he? He should be fine.’
‘He’s grown up with us,’ I pointed out. ‘It’s like when you take any animal from the wild. He’s probably lost the skills he’d need to survive on his own.’
‘He’s used to hunting his own food.’
‘Garden birds.’ I poked my fork at piece of fish. ‘What if snail sharks hunt something else over there? Maybe something far more dangerous?’
‘A snail who can bring down a T-rex can look after himself.’
‘And we don’t know what sort of social structure snail sharks have,’ I continued. ‘He hasn’t learned anything about how to interact with his own kind. What if he runs into a local rabble and they turn on him?’
‘Well, then the answer’s simple.’ James popped the chip into his mouth and chewed. ‘Talk to him. You can be pretty good about talking to someone, when you put your mind to it.’
‘Thanks,’ I said dryly. But my brother had a point. I dumped the remains of my supper into the bin, then went into the study.
Clyde was nowhere to be seen. The top of his terrarium was ajar. Obviously I’d forgotten to weigh it down with books. A noise from the front of the house made me walk down the hall and into the lounge.
The snail shark was sitting on the settee, the flickering light from the TV screen catching on his dark shell. Both the TV and the DVD remotes were resting beside him. I found myself gaping. Clyde had managed to turn on the TV and load a DVD. The case, I could see, was smeared with slime, and the remotes looked little better. Then my eyes flicked to the screen. A man was standing in a room, breathing heavily, looking down at a pig. I strode over to the TV and switched it off. ‘You’re too young,’ I told Clyde, ‘to be watching that episode of Black Mirror. Actually, you’re too young to watch any episodes of Black Mirror.’
‘Doctor Who?’
‘Now you’re just trying to soften me up.’ I took a seat next to him. ‘Clyde, we need to talk. I’ve been offered a position in Lloegyr. We’re moving back to your home country.’
The tentacles waved, making it hard for me to focus on his eyespots. ‘England.’
‘I know you’ve lived here most of your life,’ I agreed. ‘But you come from Lloegyr. James and I are moving over there for three months, and you need to come with us.’
‘Peter?’
‘He’ll be there too.’
The snail stilled. ‘Raven.’
‘Is busy doing his own thing. I don’t expect we’ll see that much of him, except when we’re helping out Morey.’
‘Bad dragon,’ Clyde declared.
‘More like disappointing dragon.’ I sighed. ‘He let me down, but I think he’s suffering for that more than I am.’
Colours pulsed through the snail’s body. I could almost feel his struggle to express himself in words. He reared upwards, and the jaws cracked open. ‘“Abide with me; fast falls the eventide, the darkness deepens; Lord with me abide. When other helpers fail and comforts flee, help of the helpless, O abide with me.”’
‘Lovely, Clyde.’ I rubbed his sleek shell. ‘I only wish I knew what you were trying to tell me.’
‘Lloegyr?’
‘A place called Caer-grawnt. I’m going to be the priest there. The rectory has a nice back garden. But, Clyde, I need you to stay inside the fence.’ I swallowed hard, coming to a sudden decision. ‘I’ll get in some rabbits to feed you.’
‘Rabbits,’ Clyde said, all but drooling.
‘So, please, don't hunt anything else, okay?’
‘Rabbits.’ His tone sounded like a promise.
‘Great. Let me find you something better to watch.’ I knelt in front of my collection of DVDs. ‘I think you’re old enough for the best Doctor Who episode ever, The Curse of Fenric.’
‘Tennant?’ the snail asked hopefully.
‘No, Sylvester McCoy. Best Doctor ever.’
‘Tennant.’
‘You are not,’ I said firmly, ‘going to watch The Girl in the Fireplace yet again. How about Remembrance of the Daleks? Another good Seventh Doctor episode.’
‘Daleks,’ Clyde agreed, in the same approving tone he’d used for ‘rabbits’ earlier. As I fed the DVD into the player, I wondered which would come off worse in a fight, Daleks or a rabble of snail sharks. My money was on the snails.
<><><><><><>
On my last Sunday at Saint Wulfram’s, the congregation presented me with a bottle of Penderyn and six crystal tumblers. Holly made a short speech about how much they were looking forward to Rosie’s ministry. I clutched the whisky close to my chest and fixed a smile on my face. Rosie gave me a quick wink, then stood to state how honoured she felt to ‘have temporary care of this parish.’
The next day, Peter gave us a lift to Ashtrew. James and I each had a backpack of essential items, and Clyde was tucked away in his case. ‘I’ll be at the licensing,’ he said as we drove towards the church. ‘My job starts on Wednesday.’
‘What’ll you be doing?’ James asked from the back seat.
‘Basic town policing.’ Peter smiled. ‘The swap around’s quite interesting. My counterpart in Llanbedr is taking a temporary placement in my department.’
‘An elf?’
‘A vampire.’
‘Now there’s a question,’ I said. ‘Anyone can see a vampire because they look human. Unless they expose their te
eth. So what happens if they smile at someone who doesn’t have the Sight? Do they suddenly disappear?’
‘Or maybe people just assume they have a bad overbite,’ James suggested.
‘At least we can arrange photo ID. Now that mirrorless cameras are available.’
I unlocked the door to the church, and handed it to Peter. ‘Call in when you’ve arrived in Caer-grawnt?’
‘Certainly.’ He gave me a quick kiss. Then he closed the door behind us, and locked it shut.
James looked pale, but he went through the crossing without a word. I followed a moment behind. A tacsi dragon was waiting for us on the other side. We mounted, James taking the front again, and after making the usual announcement, the dragon launched us upwards.
The grey sky darkened as we flew north. Then rain started to fall. Light at first, then with determined intensity. I tucked Clyde’s case under my jacket and bent my head. There was little to do but endure.
I looked up when we landed at the rectory. We slid to the ground, and I thanked him for the ride. James fished out a silver coin which he dropped into the box strapped to the tacsi dragon’s saddle. Then we hurried to the house.
The door opened as we approached. Cadfan stood to one side as we stepped inside. I stripped off my jacket, and was startled when James took it from me. He hung both of our dripping coats on a coat rack.
The elf disappeared for a moment. He returned from the kitchen carrying two mugs on a tray. My nose twitched at the smell of spices. Mulled wine. I took a deep, appreciative gulp, and felt the warm liquid restore feeling to my chest.
Only then did I notice that our leather sacks were in the lounge, looking undamaged and quite dry. There were also a large number of boxes. ‘I don’t remember packing those,’ I said to Cadfan.
‘I understand that these belong to your Associate. He comes with many books.’
‘Doesn’t like to live anywhere without a full set of the Summa Theologica,’ I grumbled.
There was a knock on the door. ‘That will be the dwarves,’ Cadfan said. ‘Please, have a seat.’
James and I exchanged confused glances. But we obeyed, lowering ourselves onto the settee as four dwarves stepped inside. They removed trench coats, and one of them took the seat near the window. ‘We’ll be starting the unpacking in no time,’ he told us. ‘Just a few questions first.’
‘How can you do the unpacking?’ I asked. ‘You don’t know where we want everything.’
‘It’s part of the service.’
‘“D & D Removals,”’ James said. ‘Dragon and Dwarves.’
‘Dwarves and Dragons, if you please.’ He pulled a small notebook from his grey overalls. ‘Now, just say the first thing that comes to your mind. If you don’t tell us the truth, don’t blame us if your socks end up in the kettle.’ A pencil hovered over the blank page. ‘What’s your favourite colour?’
‘Blue,’ I said.
‘Green,’ James told him.
‘Favourite food?’
‘Fish and chips.’
James grinned. ‘Pork scratching.’
‘Very fattening,’ I reminded him.
‘And fish and chips aren’t?’
‘Name of first love?’ the dwarf continued.
‘Alan,’ I said.
‘Amy.’
I stared at James. ‘You can remember?’
‘I was only nine years old,’ my brother said. ‘We went out for two weeks, then she left me for Josh Smith because his mum always put a chocolate bar into his lunch box.’
‘Shallow girl.’
‘I thought so.’
The dwarf coughed, bringing our attention back to him. ‘Greatest disappointment.’
‘Amy,’ James said. ‘Broke my heart.’
I hesitated. But I was certain James had lied, and I didn’t want two of us to be searching through kitchen appliances for fresh socks. ‘Not being given a full time role as Vicar General.’
‘Really?’ James asked. ‘Well, you’re here now.’
‘And greatest achievement?’
My answer was immediate. ‘Raising James.’
My brother’s jaw dropped. He looked away, and cleared his throat. ‘I killed a Tyrannosaurus rex. And I didn’t puke afterwards.’
‘That’s enough.’ The dwarf nodded to his partners. They hoisted the large bags into their arms, and carried them upstairs. ‘Second biggest room for me!’ James shouted up after them. He met my gaze. ‘Well, Morey gets the better one back in England. It’s only fair.’
‘Morey comes with books.’
‘And whose fault is that?’
‘I’m certain that Master James will be given the second room,’ Cadfan said. ‘Father Penny, can we go through the licensing service? I’ve brought a copy with me. Shall I refill your mug?’
‘Certainly,’ I said. I was beginning to warm to this churchwarden. He was so very different to Holly. Who knew what I could achieve in a parish where the churchwardens were on my side?
Chapter Twenty
‘James!’ I shouted up the stairs. ‘It’s a quarter to four. We’re going to be late!’
‘I can’t find clean underpants!’
‘That’s what you get for lying to dwarves.’ Then I did a double take. ‘We moved in six days ago, and only now you’re looking for clean underwear? Actually, forget I asked. Come on, you’ll just have to cope. We’ll have a search later.’
He appeared at the top of stairs, fully dressed from waist up. Fortunately, his long shirt reached down to his knees. ‘But what if I meet someone?’
‘You are banned from meeting anyone,’ I said firmly. ‘Get your trousers on. I'm not going to be late to my own licensing. Come on, Morey’s left already.’
As James grumbled himself back to his room, I bent down to let Clyde slide onto my palm. ‘Now, remember,’ I told the snail, looking him in the eyespots, ‘the left front pew is for family. You’re to sit there next to James and Peter for the whole service, okay? No wandering off. Promise?’
‘Promise.’
I turned him sideways. As James pounded down the stairs, I asked him, ‘You didn’t put anything on Clyde’s shell, did you?’
‘What do you mean?’
‘I don’t know.’ I ran a finger along the whorls. ‘It looks darker than usual. Maybe it’s the light.’
‘We’d better get going, or we’ll be late.’
‘Thanks, James.’ I picked up my garment bag and followed him out the door.
To my great satisfaction, there was a small queue forming to enter the church. James took Clyde and joined the end of the line, behind two rather pretty vampires. I strode away, trying not to watch as he turned his charm on the women. There was only so much I could do to protect my brother.
A side door led directly into the vestry. I left behind late afternoon sunlight for the flicker of oil lamps. The Archdeacon of Ocheham was already inside, her black cowl dark against her gleaming grey-white neck. ‘Father Penny,’ she greeted me. ‘I expect the Bishop shortly. Do you have everything you need?’
‘All in here.’ I hung up my jacket, slipped into my black cassock, and pulled the white surplice over my head.
‘Lovely stole,’ the unicorn said as I placed it around my neck. ‘I like the sheep.’
I held up the scarf so she could better see the heavy embroidery. ‘And the sheepdog, see? Christ is the true shepherd. The priest is the sheepdog, trying to move them towards the true shepherd. If the dog is doing her job well, the sheep hardly notice that she’s there.’
‘And does the dog ever have to nip the heels of the sheep?’
‘Sometimes.’ I grinned. ‘But surely not at Saint George’s.’
At that moment Bishop Aeron arrived. Although the vestry was large, the Archdeacon and I still moved to the far wall to give the dragon room. ‘Father Penny, Archdeacon, good. Has the Rural Dean arrived yet?’
‘I have yet to see Father Andras,’ the unicorn replied. ‘But he will be here.’
‘Wi
th only minutes to spare, knowing him,’ the Bishop said. A white cowl lined with purple rested against her orange-red scales. White ribbons wove between her horns, marking out her high office. ‘How do you feel, Father Penny? Ready?’
Like I’ve been waiting for this all my life, I found myself thinking. ‘Nervous. But yes, ready.’
‘And where is Trahaearneifion?’
‘I don’t know. He left the rectory before I did.’
‘Difficult until the end.’ The dragon poked her head out of the vestry and shouted into the church. ‘Elder Trahaearneifion! We’re waiting for you!’
Morey flew into the vestry and landed on a sideboard. Laughter followed behind him, and his tail twitched in response. But his voice was almost unnaturally calm as he told me, ‘You’ll need my cowl. As my incumbent, you’ll be the one to put it on me after I’ve been ordained.’
A small bag rested next to him. Morey’s eyes glittered in the light as I pulled out the small piece of white fabric. His feathers were smooth and his fur was erect, revealing his mixed feelings. I held out my free hand. For a moment he hesitated. Then he put his head down, and I fluffed his neck feathers. The tail stilled as he relaxed.
‘Sorry, everyone.’ A dwarf joined us in the vestry. ‘Father Andras, Rural Dean,’ he added, holding his hand out to me. ‘Good to meet you, Father Penny.’
The hand was smooth. His grey hair was cropped short, and his beard was a tidy goatee above the white dog collar. I found myself grinning as he hurried into his cassock. I was the only human being in the clergy vestry, and it felt wonderful.
Andras glanced at his pocket watch, and excused himself. As he walked out to welcome the congregation, Bishop Aeron said quietly, ‘Let’s pray for Father Penny and Elder Morey. Loving God, we thank you that these, your servants, have been called to serve the parish of Saint George’s. Bless them, we pray, and those of this parish to whom they will be a blessing. Amen.’
‘Amen,’ we all echoed. And as Andras announced the first hymn, the two churchwardens came to the doorway to lead us out. Morey went first. I followed, the Archdeacon behind me, and Bishop Aeron last. We walked down the side aisle, to where the two churchwardens were waiting for us, the brass staffs of their office gleaming in their hands.