hush hush I’m I was only pretending now that I’m (was)
not your mother who died.
I shall feed you from the shiny dark bush
just left of the door.
Jamaica 36/78
Dr. Mike Fayer
After one year of analysis
Help Help
Help
I feel life coming closer
when I all want
is to die.
Scream—
You began and ended in air
but where was the middle?
Notes:
It has been impossible to trace Dr. Mike Fayer.
According to Donald Spoto, Marilyn is thought to have sent the five-line poem “Help” to Norman Rosten in the summer of 1961 after having started regular consultations with Dr. Ralph Greenson. Spoto adds that Marilyn first wrote this poem, or perhaps message, in Arthur Miller’s notebook in London in 1956.
I’m not very bright I guess.
No just dumb//if I had
any brains I wouldn’t be
on crummy train with this
crummy girls’ band.
I used to sing with male
bands but I can’t afford it
anymore.
Have you ever been with a male band
Heats
Note: This is a line from the scene in the train near the beginning of Some Like It Hot.
You know I’m going to be
twenty-five in June
Note: This is also a line from Some Like It Hot. When the film was made Marilyn had turned thirty-two, but her birthday was June 1.
Title—About my poems.
Norman—so hard to please
when all I want is to tease
So it might rhyme
So what’s the crime?
When I’ve spent all this After all this time
on earth
Note: Norman Rosten, poet and novelist, had been a close friend of Marilyn’s in New York since 1955.
Marilyn Monroe with Carson McCullers, during a lunch given by the American author in honor of the great Danish writer Karen Blixen (Isak Dinesen), at McCullers’s home in Nyack, New York, 1959 Marilyn with Blixen and McCullers
FRAGMENTS AND NOTES
The notes and fragments written here and there—on torn-out pages, envelopes, tickets, address books—bring together secrets, observations, efforts at self-motivation and introspection. They also show Marilyn’s will, which was bent sometimes on purely practical matters and at other times on the general question of self-discipline. Ways of interpreting one line or other, confusion at having to act a joyful part when she felt sad, the need to concentrate harder, birthday greetings with all kinds of fanciful names (she loved inventing nicknames for her friends or herself), memories of her mother wanting to keep her out of the way, rules for life and work, reminders for fittings for a gala evening dress, instructions for her business partner Milton Greene, and, at the beginning of an address book, a list of instructions to be followed: in each text we glimpse a moment of her life, a character trait, signs of doubt or uneasiness, and, over and over, the desire to improve and transform herself.
Aug 27
I am restless and nervous and scattered and jumpy—a few minutes ago I almost threw a silver plate—into a dark area on the set—but I knew couldn’t afford to let out anything I really felt in fact I wouldn’t dare because I wouldn’t stop at that maybe. Just before that I almost threw up my whole lunch. I’m tired. I’m searching for a way to play this part I am depressed with my whole life since I first remember—How can I be such a gay young hopeful girl—What I am using is that one sunday when I was fourteen for I was all these things that day but—Why can’t I use it more consistently my concentration wavers most of the time—something is racing in me in the opposite direction to most of the days I can remember. I must try to work and work on my concentration—maybe starting with the simplest of things.
Must make effort to do
must have the discipline to do the following—
z – go to class—my own always—without fail
x – go as often as possible to observe Strasberg’s other private classes
g – never miss my actors studio session
v – work whenever possible—on class assignments—and always keep working on the acting exercises.
u – start attending Clurman lectures—also Lee Strasberg’s directors’ lectures at theater wing—enquire about both
l – keep looking around me—only much more so—observing—but not only myself but others and everything—take things (it) for what they (it’s) are worth.
y – must make strong effort to work on current problems and phobias that out of my past has arisen—making much much much more more more more more effort in my analysis. And be there always on time—no excuses for being ever late.
w – if possible take at least one class at university—in literature—
o – follow RCA thing through.
p – try to find someone to take dancing from—body work (creative)
t – take care of my instrument—personally & bodily (exercise)
try to enjoy myself when I can—I’ll be miserable enough as it is.
Words—Find out their meanings
Wanderjahre—
pertaining somehow to the word Entsagung—(what does that mean to)? does it mean sacrifice.
à trois
does it mean like—probation
Notes:
The names in this address book, especially that of Milton Greene, would seem to indicate that it was bought in New York in 1955.
Harold Clurman, theater director and drama critic, was one of the three founders of Group Theatre in New York in 1931 (along with Lee Strasberg).
Marilyn Monroe signed a contract to record film songs with the RCA label in 1954.
There is no obvious link between “Wanderjahre” (the wandering years) and “Entsagung” (renunciation), unless Marilyn is echoing her reading of Freud or Rilke.
“À trois”/“threesome” bears at most a dubious connection with “probation.”
12:00 Ceil Chapman—
530 7th ave—
4th floor tel # LA–4–5800
Saturday Morning 12:00
Sunday Night—Actors Benefit
dinner for them somewhere? At least ask
speak to Paula—about scenes for me in the future
Monday Night
Hair—instead of tues. have done
on Mon. morning—also ask about
comb out for Mon. night.
Dress—
Saturday afternoon 2:30
Lee Strasberg matinee
Cat on a Hot Tin Roof
Sat Morn—Profile time call about then
C. Chapman
Fri Night
John Moore fitting
Fri Morning
8:30—Francis [illegible] Hair
11:00 Actors Studio
Call Milton about—
1—6 days a week with Hohenberg—Saturdays—because learning and need it and she willing
2—about paying Hohenbergs—Bill—which didn’t give him yet—(can we pay it on Mon?)
3—about white shoes because probably wear white dress (what about wrap?)
Call Lois Weber or A. Jacobs about all yesterday’s papers mainly Herald Trib and Times
Notes:
This note was probably written in December 1955, as the Actors Studio benefit party was held in New York on December 12, to which, however, Marilyn wore a black dress.
Paula Strasberg, Lee Strasberg’s wife, was also a very close friend and became Marilyn’s coach during film shoots.
Ceil Chapman has often been said to have been Marilyn’s favorite fashion designer.
John Moore, couturier and interior designer, decorated, did up the Millers’ apartment at 444 East 57th Street in 1955. He created several dresses for Marilyn, including the wedding dress she wore when she married Arthur
Miller.
Arthur Jacobs, who was head of his own company, took care of public relations for Marilyn from 1955 until her death.
Lois Weber, who worked for the Arthur P. Jacobs Company, was Marilyn’s press agent in New York.
For Kris
Sept. 9
Jane’s 12th birthday on 7th
same year
—Remember, somehow, how—
Mother always tried to
get me to “go out” as
though she felt I
were too unadventurous.
She wanted me even
to show a cruelty
toward woman. This
in my teens. In return,
I showed her that I
was faithful to her.
Notes:
Kris was undoubtedly Dr. Marianne Kris, Marilyn’s New York analyst from 1956 to February 1961.
Jane Miller, Arthur’s elder daughter, was born on September 7, 1944; therefore, this note must have been written in 1956.
for life
It is rather a determination not to be overwhelmed.
for work
The truth can only be recalled, never invented
Note: This short prose piece and the variation on it on the following page were very likely written on the occasion of Norman Rosten’s birthday. “She gave herself pretty names. One day, she signed a note with Noodle, Sam, Max, Clump, Sugar Finny, Pussy, and so on. An identity name, the little funny imp. It was a very attractive aspect of her personality: she had a great sense of humor” (Norman Rosten, Marilyn Among Friends).
It’s time for
sentiment
I know how sentimental we feel
instrumental
sentimental
merely incidental
coincidental
Not a tear you’ll see
Forgive me if I’m
influence by tender feelings
affecting the emotions
meaning—sentimental is a influenced for
tender
feelings
ourselves or myself
sense
sensible—sensitive
Happy birthday and love (we all love you)
Noodle
Sam
Max
Clump
Sugar Finny
Pussy
and all the rest of us—
Starts dream—
262
263
Feb 28
Dec 11
See in older journal—
always admired men who had many women.
It must be that to a child of a dissatisfied woman
the idea of monogamy is hollow
Note: The numbers 262 and 263 probably refer to the same collection of song standards as those shown here (the Waldorf-Astoria series). The titles these correspond to are “While We’re Young” (262) and “Wonderful Guy” (263).
Pardon me—I’m sorry to wake you
But I wonder if you could help
me
I’m being abducted
you know—kidnapped—by him
I thought maybe as soon as
we got some place I’d ask the
driver to stop and let me off
But we been driving for hours
and we still don’t seem to be
nowhere at all—not only that
but I’m freezing to death—I
ain’t got much on under
my coat
Sleeping prince—for Paula
don’t stop myself
Name tasks—1 - 2 - 3 - 4 etc.
T—weariness
write out part—copying it
work on exercises
1—cold
learn—lines logically
—I can’t do more than
one thing at a time
make map tonight
take my time to think—
Note: The Sleeping Prince was the first title for The Prince and the Showgirl, which was filmed in London in 1956. This note must have been written the same year.
He said that
I’ve become so deified
as a sex symbol
that public never accept me as
a virgin and as a nineteen/twenty year old
he wants to
feel he discovers reality
and he alone is is better
responsible
Eli
g—his lose
tennessee—wants me
tells Eli—
new ending
I don’t want anybody else
Note: Marilyn wanted to play the title role in Elia Kazan’s 1956 film Baby Doll, written by Tennessee Williams and starring Eli Wallach. However, Carroll Baker got the part.
I feel the camera has got
to look through Gay’s
eyes whenever he is in a
scene and even when he is
not there still has to be a sense of
him
He is the center and the
rest move around him
but I guess Houston will
see to that
He is both subtle and
overt in his leading them
and in his cruelty and his tenderness
(when he reaches out of himself
for her—R.)
Notes:
John Huston’s (here spelled “Houston”) film The Misfits was shot in Nevada, in the summer of 1960. Arthur Miller adapted the script from his own short story, the role of Roslyn having been inspired by his wife. The atmosphere was extremely tense, especially between the couple, whose marriage was foundering. Marilyn, a perfectionist, was frequently late—very late—frightened of not being ready for the challenge, and often groggy from the barbiturates she had begun to depend on. She was awestruck to be acting with Clark Gable, who was a lifelong idol and whom she had sometimes thought of, or dreamed of, as her own father. Marilyn had already been directed by John Huston in The Asphalt Jungle, the film that, in spite of a minor role, had put her name in lights. In a sense, in The Misfits she acted out her own life with a disquieting and magnificent closeness that must have been enormously tormenting.
It is likely that this note was written during the first half of the shooting, in July. Gay (Langland) is the name of the character played by Clark Gable. The final “R” refers to Roslyn (Taber), Marilyn’s character.
Marilyn at Costello’s restaurant, New York, 1955
KITCHEN NOTES
1955 or 1956
Contrary to the image we may have of Marilyn as often disorderly and chaotic, she attended to some aspects of daily life with care and even meticulousness. When she had to decorate an apartment or house she made notes, took measurements, collected samples or patterns, and decided on color schemes and the arrangement of furniture. Similarly, when she organized a dinner for Helen Schneider’s birthday, very likely at the end of 1955 in New York, she wrote a long, exacting list of everything she had to prepare or check out. Each detail was planned, down to the table decorations and bathroom requisites. This party may have taken place when Marilyn moved into an apartment on the corner of Sutton Place and 57th Street after her long stay in a suite at the Waldorf-Astoria, which had turned out to be too costly for Marilyn Monroe Productions. Incidentally, Marilyn sometimes enjoyed cooking, and when she did she noted recipes down to the last ingredient, step by step, including the quality of produce needed.
ask for Kitty & or Clyde
my white dishes—all of them from Westport
my old silver candle holders
my paintings two—dutch woman big one and drunken angels
get firewood—what about silverware
buy—white toilet seat
buy—hamper & or gold thing for bathroom & or thing for back of door for towels, bottles, etc
buy—lamps for bedroom—also shades take Kirt with me
buy foot stool & coffee table (ask M. Moumulion)
buy bar buy mir
ror at L. & Taylors
buy two chairs—classic—for in front of piano, also serves for extra guest chairs
buy brass ash trays one for M. one for L. one for me
buy chandeliers—one for hall—one for dining area—take back the two glass silver things
Fragments: Poems, Intimate Notes, Letters Page 4