I wanted my love for Firas to continue no matter what, and then with the days passing this love became my whole life, and I started to feel afraid about what would happen if he left, that my life would leave with him. That’s all.
Sadeem realized that she bore a major part of the responsibility—and guilt—because she had refused to receive Firas’s hidden messages, as Lamees had called them. She hadn’t allowed herself to understand the true reason that he avoided real attachment to her all those years. She refused to let her heart perceive how little Firas valued her and how ready he was to forsake her. She had committed the cardinal mistake of the lover, tying her mind and heart in blindfolds so that they could not see unwanted messages from the beloved.
Sadeem was finally cured of her love addiction. But it was a harsh experience that caused her to lose her respect for all men, beginning with Firas and, before him, Waleed, and every man alive after that.
46.
To: [email protected]
From: “seerehwenfadha7et”
Date: January 21, 2005
Subject: And Now…Welcome Tariq the Lover
Those who want us, our souls resent them
And those whom we want, fate refuses to give to us.—Norah Al-Hawshan*
Many happy returns on the occasion of the blessed Festival after Pilgrimage, Eid Al-Adha. Since I might not be with you during the next festival, in 12 months from now, let me say it now for always: I extend my best wishes for all of your days to come. May God make all your days, and mine as well, full of goodness, health and love.
When Sadeem moved into her aunt Badriyyah’s home, the person who was happiest about the new arrangement was Tariq, her aunt’s son. From the very first day, he decided that he would be in charge of assuring her comfort in her new home, and he took to the task with an almost alarming dedication. He committed himself to fulfilling every one of Sadeem’s needs. And since Sadeem did not actually demand anything, Tariq tried to offer his services as best he could in other ways, like surprising her with her favorite order from Burger King so the two of them could have their dinner together. Sadeem sensed Tariq’s interest in her, but she couldn’t respond to him in the way he hoped. In fact, she felt uneasy whenever he was in the room, since he never lifted his eyes from her. It began to get increasingly difficult for her to live in the same household with him.
Tariq was one year older than Sadeem. He had gone to elementary and middle school in Riyadh, as his father was working as a civil servant in one of the Saudi ministries at the time. But after retirement his father had moved the family to Khobar so that he could be near his siblings, and Tariq had gone to high school there. Tariq had returned to Riyadh to attend the College of Dentistry at King Saud University, because there were no dental schools in the eastern province at that time.
Sadeem first noticed Tariq’s interest in her when he was a dental student and used to visit them at home on weekends, since he did not generally travel all the way to his own family in the eastern province. She could tell that his admiration had grown stronger over time, but she always knew that she didn’t reciprocate his feelings. Even though Tariq was perfectly pleasant, and even though he spoiled and indulged her every time he came to visit them, and singled her out for attention in his words and glances, there wasn’t anything about him that could make her heart soar the way it had with Firas. Her feelings for him hadn’t changed from the sisterly affection she had developed for him long ago when the two of them had shared toys and games in their grandfather’s Riyadh home.
Only Gamrah knew about the lovesick cousin whom her friend sometimes joked about, though fondly, in her presence. But Sadeem had not mentioned him for a long time, not since her engagement to Waleed. And during her long drawn-out relationship with Firas, Sadeem had actively tried to avoid seeing Tariq. Every time he visited them he would find only his uncle at home. After a few visits when Sadeem was never in the room—on the pretext that she was busy studying upstairs—Tariq had stopped visiting. On the few special occasions when Sadeem had to go to Khobar, Tariq avoided seeing her then as well, and Sadeem appreciated that.
In Sadeem’s eyes, Tariq’s problem was that he was way too simple and straightforward. She was amazed that he would let his feelings toward her show in such a straightforward and artless manner. To her, Tariq did not seem more than a big kid, with his baby face, so like their Syrian grandmother’s, his slightly fleshy body and his guileless smile. None of this was really a failing, but altogether these impressions added up so that she couldn’t conceive of him as a real man she could have a serious relationship with.
One evening after everyone else had gone to bed, the two of them were left in the living room, in their PJs, watching a film on one of the satellite channels. When the film ended—and poor Tariq hadn’t taken any of it in, since he was so engrossed in what he intended to say to Sadeem—he turned to her, whispering the name by which he was accustomed to call her.
“Demi?”
“Yes?”
“There’s something I want to talk to you about, but I don’t know how to start.”
“Why don’t you know how to start? Nothing’s wrong, is it? I hope not.”
“Well, for me it’s all good, but I don’t know what you will think about it.”
“I hope it’s good. Just spell it out and get it over with. There are no formalities between us, right?”
“Okay. I’ll just say it straight out, and God give me strength. Demi, we’ve known each other for a very long time, haven’t we? Since we were little, when you used to visit us on holidays, I always looked at you, a lot, and what I saw was the lovely girl with soft hair and pink hair band. The little girl who dressed prettier than any other girl and didn’t want to play with boys. Do you remember how I used to fight with the other kids when they annoyed you? And if I went to the grocery shop I wouldn’t take any girl with me except you so I could buy you what you wanted? We were still kids, I know, but by God I loved you even then!
“When we got a little older, I loved being around you and my sisters whenever you came to visit us, even though I was always the only boy sitting with your small group of girls. I know it didn’t look so great, my being there, but the only thing I cared about was being near you in the hours you spent with us! Can you believe it? I wouldn’t bring my sisters ice cream unless you were there! My sisters got to the point where if they wanted me to bring them something they would say to me, ‘Hmm, we wonder if Sadeem is coming tonight!’
“All this and I knew that you didn’t love me the way I loved you. Maybe you played along a little bit to be nice to me, and maybe you were happy that I was interested in you, and you had the right to feel that way, of course. I would say to myself, She’s got every reason! And what would she love in you anyway? Not handsome, no degree, no money, chubby figure, there’s nothing in you that would attract her, except the fact that you’re crazy about her.
“The day they accepted me in the College of Dentistry in Riyadh, I was in ecstasy! Do you know why? First, because you might respect me more if I became a doctor, a dentist in fact, and second, because I was going to live in Riyadh, where you lived. I could visit you and I could get to know your dad better, so that maybe he would invite me over every day and I could see you.
“When Waleed asked for your hand, I felt like everything collapsed at once! I couldn’t propose to you like he did because I was still a student with no income. My mother told me your father would never turn down the son of Al-Shari in favor of me, the kid son of your aunt, who hadn’t even finished college. Your engagement and milkah periods were absolutely the most horrible times in my life. I felt I had lost every single dream that I’ve had for myself. And then, after you split up with Waleed, the world smiled at me again! I wanted to open the subject with you quickly. I intended to propose to you as soon as possible, but I couldn’t, because right away you went off to London.”
Sadeem’s face was fixed in astonishment as Tariq went on. “When you ca
me back, I noticed you were avoiding me whenever I came to visit, and you wouldn’t answer my phone calls. When I saw that, I said to myself: This girl clearly doesn’t love you. She can’t even stand you! Stay away from her and leave her alone.
“And I really did stay away. But, and God is witness to my words, I didn’t forget you for a single day. You were always on my mind and I resolved to wait for fate to bring us together.
“After your father died, I felt I wanted to be at your side, but I couldn’t. I knew that my mother wanted to bring you here and that you didn’t agree. There was something inside me telling me that the real reason you were refusing to move here was me.
“The day you came, I vowed to myself that I was not going to bother you. I was going to do whatever it takes to cheer you up, but keeping my distance so that you wouldn’t feel like I was exploiting your presence in my home in order to win you over. Even my mother—I warned her not to talk to you about my feelings. She knows how much I love you and she has always longed to get us engaged, sooner rather than later. But I wanted to make sure you’d agree first so I wouldn’t embarrass her in front of you or you in front of her.
“Now it’s been a year and a half that we’ve been here together. I graduated—you know all of that—and finished my internship and I’ve submitted my papers and I’m waiting for a job or a scholarship to specialize abroad. To tell you the truth, my university professors have offered me a teaching assistant position in one of their divisions, but the problem is that if I take it I’ll be sent abroad within a few months, and I just can’t go away until I know what my fate is with you. If we get engaged, I have to get your agreement about this business of traveling, especially since you’re working here and I don’t know if you would want to come with me or not.
“So what I mean is, if travel doesn’t suit you, I can get a job here in any hospital or dental office and drop the idea of doing my residency abroad. But if you are not meant to be mine, I will take that job offer. With me away you won’t have to feel any embarrassment or unease about turning me down; I’ll be away for three, maybe four years, and by the time I get back I’m sure you will be married to somebody else. Demi, I want to be sure you understand that my request isn’t going to affect your living in this house or feeling settled here. I’m not pressuring you, sweetie. It’s up to you, and you have complete freedom to make whatever decision you want to.”
Finally Sadeem was able to say something:
“But Tariq. Sure, we are close, but we were never close in a way that would mean I could make a decision like this! There are a lot of things you don’t know about me, and there’s a lot I don’t know about you.”
“Sadeem, it’s impossible that anything could change the love that’s been in my heart since I was little. But, of course, you have the right to know whatever you want about me. Ask me all the questions you want answered and I’ll give you the answers, about anything at all!”
“You don’t want to know, for instance, the reason behind the breakup between Waleed and me? Or the reason I didn’t pay a lot of attention to you, specially in the last four years?”
“The reason behind the breakup between Waleed and you was that he’s completely insane! Is there anyone with a brain who would sacrifice Sadeem Al-Horaimli for any reason? Demi, I know you, and I know your roots and how you were raised, and that’s enough for me to trust you. If you want to tell me the reason, that’s up to you, but demanding it is not my right, not at all. You didn’t have any obligation to me in your life before, so that I have no right to ask you about anything that happened then; even those years when you were avoiding me, when I figured you probably had a relationship with someone—they don’t mean a thing to me. What’s important to me is our life together from now on, I mean if God has decreed it. About myself, I’m prepared to sit and tell you everything that has happened in my life since the day I was born until this morning! Although there isn’t much to say. But I will tell you, for instance, which ones do I prefer, the girls of the eastern region or the girls of Najd. The girls of Khobar or the girls of Riyadh.”
“Oh, really! So you’ve got experience with both!”
“Just a few girls that I and my friends managed to ‘number’ in malls as teenagers. If you want their names and phone numbers, I’ll give them to you!”
“No, thanks. Well, I have to say that you caught me totally off guard. Give me a little time to think and give you an answer.”
“I’m going to Riyadh tomorrow. I have some people to see there, and I’ll stay a few days so that you can think in peace.”
47.
To: [email protected]
From: “seerehwenfadha7et”
Date: January 28, 2005
Subject: The Best Closure Ever
To listen to the song, click here
Why does the first love refuse to let go?
It comes back right away and awakens us to the past.
It grows as we do, yet returns us to the old days.
With insistent reminders, we’re thrown to its flames.
With its fire, it burns us, it burns to the core.
Why does the first love refuse to let go?—Julia Boutros*
The story has almost reached its end. But my friends are still candles that life sets aflame. They melt down, burned away by love and giving. I took you by the hands, my dear readers, to lead you on a weekly tour of these scented candles, flickering desperately. I wanted you to breathe in their fragrances yourselves. I wanted you to stretch out your hands to catch a few dissolving drops of wax so that you would feel their hot sting. So that you would understand the pain they had been through and the fires that lie behind that sting.
I plant a kiss, now, on every candle that has been lit and melted away but in so doing has lighted a way for others—making for them a path that is a little less dark, contains a few less obstacles and is filled with a little more freedom.
When Michelle woke up after the first night she had spent in Riyadh after more than two years away, she did not know that she had come back to the city at just the right time to witness an important event—a very important event indeed in a life that was already full of changes and quick reverses.
Her day began with a surprise phone call from Lamees. “Go into the bathroom and wash your face with a little cold water,” her friend advised her, so that she could absorb the full impact of what she was about to tell her.
“What’s wrong? Why did you have to wake me up so early?”
“Michelle. Today is Faisal’s wedding.”
Silence from the other end of the line.
“Michelle! Are you there?”
“I’m here.”
“Are you okay?”
“What Faisal? My Faisal?”
“Yes, girl, Faisal the scumbag, no one else!”
“Did he tell you himself or what?”
“Here’s the next whammy—it turns out Nizar is friends with the bride’s brother.”
“Your husband Nizar? Knows the brother of Faisal’s bride? Why didn’t you tell me the minute you heard about that?”
“Are you crazy, to ask me that? I swear I only found out about this today. I came from Jeddah to Riyadh yesterday to attend the wedding of one of Nizar’s sisters. I was really eager to come so that I could see you on the same trip. Nizar told me about the wedding a week ago, but I just got the invitation card today, and when I opened it, my eyes just about flew out of my head. I read the groom’s name maybe one hundred times to be sure it was really the same Faisal.”
“…When did he get engaged?”
“I swear to God, I have no idea, and unfortunately I can’t ask Nizar to ask his friend about it because they are not really close buddies. They just know each other from work. Looks like they probably had a bunch of extra invitations, so they invited me. I don’t expect Nizar knows anything more than I do.”
“So who is this girl he’s marrying?”
“Her last name rings no bell. Nothing impress
ive.”
“Lamees…”
“Yes, darling?”
“I want you to fix me up with an invite. I’m coming with you.”
“What? No, c’mon, you must be kidding. You going to Faisal’s wedding, are you out of your mind? How would you get through it?”
“Don’t worry about me. I can do it.”
“Michelle, honey, I’m scared. What are you thinking? There’s no reason for you to go and make things harder on yourself.”
“I won’t. In fact, I’ll be giving myself the best closure ever.”
Lamees convinced her husband that she had a splitting headache and couldn’t go to the wedding. She told him she would give her invitation to Michelle, who could go in her place.
Michelle turned the invitation card over and over in her hands as the hairdresser worked on her hair: Announcing the Wedding of our Daughter Shaikhah to our Son Faisal.So this is what it comes to, Faisal? A girl named Shaikhah? What a silly, very silly name!
She did her own makeup and put on a gorgeous Roberto Cavalli gown. It was slinky enough to show off her body perfectly.
At the entrance to the hall, she contemplated the photos of the bride and groom that formed a dazzling display on a table near the door. She studied his expression, trying to gauge how he felt about the woman standing beside him. She happily noted that Shaikhah was totally not his type! She was of a large build, when what he adored was petite women. Her hair wasn’t black—which he preferred—but dyed a range of tints to the point where it looked like a disco globe reflecting a prism of colors. She had a big nose and a mouth with thin lips. What did they have in common with Michelle’s cute nose and seductive lips?
Michelle paid her respects, in the way one does, to his mother, whom she was able to single out after hearing one of the greeters call her “mother of the groom.” She congratulated Um Faisal on the marriage of her son. Faisal’s scent seemed to waft from this woman who had given him birth.
Girls of Riyadh Page 24