"Ryan, you told me at the beginning that I needed to eat right. I guess I just ignored you," she admitted.
"Well, you're not going to ignore me anymore. I'm going to watch you like a hawk. And I'm going to weigh you at the gym every week. If you lose another pound you're moving in to my house. Da will fatten you up in no time!"
"Speaking of eating, do you want to have dinner together on Friday?"
"Um, sure," Ryan said as she shook her head slightly at the abrupt change of topic. "I don't have any dinner plans. Where do you want to go?"
"My house. I want to cook for you to thank you for taking such good care of me last night. What's your favorite food?"
"Well, you certainly don't have to do that, Jamie. You're my friend...and my duty as your friend means that I take care of you when you need my help."
"I know that Ryan, but I want to do this. Now spill it!"
"My favorite food--no restrictions?" she asked with a familiar look of satisfied contemplation on her beautiful face. She leaned her head back and closed her eyes. She cocked her head just a little and met Jamie's amused gaze, "Lasagna," she said with finality.
"Lasagna it is," Jamie agreed happily.
When they reached the O'Flaherty home Jamie gave Ryan a broad smile as she said, "Thanks again for being there for me. I just realized that today is Wednesday and you missed all of your clients. Can I pay you back for that?"
"Yes," Ryan said quickly, surprising Jamie a bit. "You can go home and make yourself a nice dinner with the things I bought from the store this morning. Then you can call the nutritionist and make an appointment. After that you can take a long nap and pamper yourself for the rest of the day. If you do all of that we're even," she grinned.
"You're the best friend I have, Ryan," she said softly as she gave her a gentle smile.
After she left the City she stopped at her favorite gourmet grocery store to buy the ingredients for Bolognese sauce. Luckily the store carried her favorite Italian cookbook so she could double check the ingredients.
Once home, she began to make the sauce. She spent a good hour prepping the vegetables and then began to cook. The sauce took her 3 hours to make, but it was delicious. She put some on spaghetti for her dinner, along with a basil, tomato and montrachet salad that she sprinkled with olive oil and balsamic vinegar. Is this good enough for you Dr. O'Flaherty?
At around 9:30 the phone rang. Ryan's deep voice asked, "Did you speak to the nutritionist?"
"Hi, Ryan, yes I dutifully followed your instructions. I'm meeting with him on Monday. And I've eaten so much today I could burst," she laughed.
"Was this your first pregnancy scare?" Ryan inquired a trifle tentatively.
"Yeah, it was," Jamie said. "And I certainly hope it's my last."
"One more reason to be thankful I'm a lesbian," Ryan teased. "I'd probably have 10 kids by now if I was straight."
"Well, you do seem to have a few things in common with bunnies," Jamie laughed.
"You're just lucky I can't reach you from here," Ryan replied threateningly.
"Where are you anyway? It sounds loud."
"I'm at a bar in Oakland. I've kinda got a date waiting for me so I'd better go."
"Okay, you little rabbit. Don't do anything I wouldn't do," she teased.
"Don't count on it, Jamie. They don't call it the luck of the Irish for nothing," she said as she hung up.
"Now, you're sure you're up to this?" Ryan asked for the third time.
"Yes, Ryan, I'm sure. Tuesday was just an anomaly. I'm much better prepared for the types of calls we can get, I've eaten, and I feel perfectly fine."
Ryan was still concerned, but she trusted Jamie to be able to assess how she felt. She had already decided to tell the operator not to give them any really rough calls if possible.
When they arrived Yvonne greeted them with concern. "Are you feeling alright, hon?" she asked Jamie solicitously.
"Yeah, I'm fine," Jamie assured her. "That was just a series of factors that combined to knock me out. I'll be fine tonight."
They sat in the little cluttered office after Ryan again tried her best to neaten it up. She got Jamie's headset ready and signaled the operator to start putting calls through. After an hour Ryan insisted that they take a break. As they stood outside in the cool night air Ryan asked if she wanted to take some calls. "Oh, I don't know, Ryan. I'm still a little freaked from Tuesday, " she admitted.
"If you want to, I'll talk to the operator and ask her to give you some easy calls. She will do that if we ask."
"I'm willing to try, but will you promise to take over if I ask you to?" she finally agreed.
"Absolutely," she replied without hesitation.
"Gay and Lesbian Teen Talk Line, this is Jamie. How can I help you?" she asked a little nervously.
"Hi, this is Carrie. I've got a problem that I can't figure out. Can you help me?
"I'll certainly try, Carrie. Tell me about it," Jamie replied.
Carrie was 16 years old and was attracted to her best friend. She knew her friend had been sexual with another girl, but Carrie didn't know if she should pursue her friend. She wasn't sure what it would do to their friendship and she was afraid of being labeled gay.
"Tell me about your friend," Jamie asked.
"She's my age and we go to school together. She's real cute and really nice to me. She goes out with boys but she told me about one time when she went down on a girl." Jamie blushed as Ryan caught her eye and gave her a little eyebrow wiggle. "We do almost everything together. She's a lot of fun and she makes me laugh all the time," Carrie explained.
"How do you feel when you're with her?" Jamie inquired.
"It's kinda hard to explain. I guess things just feel right when we're together. My stomach gets all tingly when I know she's coming over."
"Have you had any boyfriends?" Jamie asked.
"Not really boyfriends, but I've gone out with guys," she replied.
"Did you ever really, really like a guy?" Jamie asked patiently.
"Yeah, one guy at school, last year. We went out a couple of times, but he dumped me."
"How did you feel about him? Did it feel anything like you feel for your friend?"
"No, not really. I liked him and everything, but it didn't feel like it does with Lori."
"Have you had sex with any guys yet?" Jamie asked.
"No, I haven't had sex. I don't want to until I'm sure about a guy. " Wow, I'm really impressed! I thought every 16 year old girl had lost her virginity. "I've given guys blow jobs, but that's all," she said proudly. Oh brother.
She turned to Ryan who was grinning broadly. Jamie stuck her tongue out at her and continued on gamely, "Do you think about having sex with your friend?"
"Yeah, I think about it all the time. I think about how she would feel and what it would be like to kiss her and stuff," Carrie replied.
"Hmmm," Jamie thought for a moment, and finally replied, "You know, Carrie, it's possible to have very complex feelings for your friends. Some of those feelings might be sexual. But just because you have that feeling doesn't make you a lesbian. Actually, sometimes it's hard to tell if your feelings are really sexual or just a desire for closeness. It's possible that you just want to feel even closer to Lori and you think that sex is the way to do that."
"I don't know," Carrie replied suspiciously, "I think I really wanna have sex with her."
Another glance at Ryan earned another lascivious wink.
"Has she given you any indication that she would like to have sex with you?" Jamie asked.
"No, not really. We hug and stuff but that's about all."
"Imagine that she came over to your house tonight and you had sex. How do you think you would feel tomorrow?" Jamie inquired.
"I think I'd feel good..." she replied, "But I'm afraid that I'd feel gay."
"What does that mean to you, 'to feel gay'?" Jamie asked. "Do you think your friends or your parents would be different to you if they thought you were gay? Or
is it how you feel about yourself?"
"I guess I'm afraid of what the other kids at school would say if they found out," she admitted.
"Do you think that Lori is someone you can trust? How many people did she tell that she had sex with another girl? Jamie asked.
"I think I'm the only one who knows. None of our other friends have ever mentioned it."
"Okay, I think I've got enough information to give you my opinion," Jamie said after a moment. "It sounds like you really care a lot for Lori. It also sounds like you are really interested in pursuing a sexual dimension to your relationship. But your privacy is very important too, and you're afraid that your friends will give you a hard time if they found out."
"Yeah, that's all true," Carrie agreed.
"Do you really feel that you need to make a decision right now?" Jamie asked.
"Um, no I guess I don't," she admitted.
"One option is to continue to play with your fantasies. You could be a little more open to Lori with your feelings in general. Then if she feels the same way, she may approach you. That might take some of the pressure off," Jamie said.
"Okay, I think I could do that," she agreed tentatively.
"Another option is to tell her that you are confused by your feelings for her. You can tell her that you feel that things are changing in your relationship and ask if she feels them too. If she says no, you're not as vulnerable as you would be if you made some physical overture that she didn't like."
"Yeah, I like that idea a lot. That one feels right" Carrie said confidently.
"But there is one thing I want you to remember," Jamie said firmly. "Are you listening?"
"Yeah, I'm listening," Carrie replied seriously.
"Having feelings for another woman does not make you a lesbian. Acting on those feelings with one woman, or several women doesn't make you a lesbian. Your sexual orientation might not be clear to you until you're in your 20's or even later. Nothing that you do now has to be permanent. You're still developing your sexuality; so let yourself develop at your own pace. Got it?"
"Got it. Thanks a lot!"
Jamie hung up and looked over at a beaming Ryan. "Jamie," she asked ingenuously, "Do you think I'm a lesbian?" she said as she batted her eyes.
"No, I think you are a brat!"
They took another short break for Ryan to heap compliments on her blushing friend. "I can't believe what a good job you did!" she enthused. "You were right there with her. I know you reached her and your advice was so perfect!"
Jamie beamed at these heartfelt compliments. "I must admit, our class has really helped me see sexuality in much broader terms than I did before. When I was her age I would have thought that having feelings for a woman would brand me forever. Now I know it doesn't."
Ryan looked right into Jamie's green eyes with a quizzical expression as she cocked her head slightly. Jamie felt completely exposed as she imagined that her friend saw all of her secrets. Ryan looked like she wanted to ask a question but Jamie quickly looked away and said brightly, "Let's go do another!"
"Gay and Lesbian Teen Talk Line, this is Jamie. How can I help you?"
"Hi, this is Star. I've started having sex with my boyfriend and another chick and I don't know how to make sure we have safe sex. Is it okay to go down on her after he comes inside her?"
Jamie sat with her mouth slightly open and a completely stunned expression on her face. She felt the phone being taken from her hand and heard Ryan answer smoothly, "No, Star. You can't safely do that. HIV and other sexually transmitted diseases can infect his semen. Whether it's in his penis or her vagina, it's just as dangerous."
"What can I do to her?" she asked.
"HIV is found in semen and blood and vaginal secretions. The safest thing to do is to use a barrier between her vagina and your mouth. You can get free latex barriers called dental dams at the Free Clinic. If you get caught in a bind and can't get a dental dam you can cut open a condom. A lot of women really like how it feels, too."
"Yeah, right," she scoffed.
Ryan's brow knit as she insisted. "That really is true, Star. I've been having sex with women for almost 6 years and I practice safer sex every single time. And I've got to tell you, I have a great time even with dental dams."
"But how great is the risk?" she insisted.
"It's impossible to say, Star. You'd have to know someone's complete sexual history and the sexual histories of all of their partners to know if you're safe. I have a lot of sex and I've never had an S.T.D. I figure that a little inconvenience is not as much trouble as sitting in a 4 hour line at the Free Clinic for penicillin shots."
"Okay," she relented. "That covers going down on her. What else can I do?"
Isn't that enough!!? Jamie shouted to herself in indignation.
"Do you ever use sex toys inside each other?" Ryan asked.
"Yeah, sometimes. Is that cool?"
"Not unless you put a condom on each toy every time you use it. If you insert something into anyone take the condom off and put on a new one before you insert it into someone else. And never move a toy from your anus to your vagina without changing the condom. I assume you know that your boyfriend should be using a condom every time you put his penis inside your body."
"Even for blow jobs?" she asked incredulously.
"Even for blow jobs," Ryan replied gravely. "I know that guys don't want to do it, but it really can be dangerous not to. If you put just a dab of water based lubricant in the condom before you roll it on, it makes it feel better."
"What can I do without latex," she muttered.
"You don't need latex to touch each other with your hands and there are some great vibrators out there."
"What about kissing?" Star asked, clearly afraid that nothing was safe.
"Go for it," Ryan said. "There is a very small risk, but a girl's gotta have some fun," she said with a twinkle in her eye.
After the call Jamie hung her head. "I feel like Mary Poppins in a leather bar," she moaned. "I can't believe how little I know, or how little I've experienced," she admitted.
"Hey, Jamie, there's nothing wrong with taking sex seriously. I think it's really great that you found someone to be monogamous with. Don't be ashamed of that."
"I'm not ashamed. I just feel so naive. These kids are 4 or 5 years younger than me and they've done tons more than I have."
"So, the guys you've been with have been a little conservative. What's wrong with that?"
"Guy," Jamie corrected her, as she blushed.
"What do you mean?" Ryan asked tentatively.
"I've only had sex with one guy, just Jack. And I mean my definition of sex, not Carrie's," she laughed.
"I think that is adorable, Jamie", she replied sincerely. "He must really feel special that you share your sexuality with only him."
"I don't know if he feels really special. He wasn't particularly happy that I made him wait for so long. I think at times he would have preferred it if I was the town strumpet."
"How long did you make him wait, if I can ask?"
"Till this past summer," she replied with a bigger blush. "June 15 to be exact."
Ryan nodded her head and looked a little at a loss for words. Finally she merely uttered one, "Wow."
The rest of the night went very well. Jamie began to get over her hesitancy and she was even able to get through most of the calls without blushing. On the way back to her house she asked, "Latte' for the road?"
"Sure," Ryan replied easily. They stopped at Sufficient Grounds and found a small table near the window. "So," Ryan began, "Tell me how you're feeling."
"I feel pretty good. I've really cranked up the calories and I think it's helping already. My stomach is back to normal so I think I'm ready to start working out again."
"I still want you to take tomorrow off," Ryan said firmly. "You need a few days to get your strength back after being as sick as you were."
"Okay, doc, I'll stay home and get your dinner ready," she said with a smile.
"Can I ask you something pretty personal?" Ryan asked tentatively.
"Sure, I don't have any secrets from you," she replied.
"Why were you so devastated when you thought you might be pregnant? I mean, I could see why if you weren't in love with the guy, but you are. And you're getting married in a year and a half. So what's up?"
Jamie sat in silence for a few minutes. She was obviously thinking so Ryan didn't interrupt. She finally looked up and said, "I'm not sure I know. But it felt absolutely horrible. I felt just like I would have when I was 16."
"That's kind of odd, don't you think?" Ryan continued. "I also wondered why you wouldn't tell Jack. Shouldn't he be involved?"
"I don't know," Jamie admitted. "It just didn't feel like something he could be helpful with. I mean I know he loves me but he's not very good at the emotional comfort thing. I think he would have been upset...probably with me...for having sex without a condom."
"Are you on the pill now?"
"Yeah. But I had trouble with the first two types I took. I got breakthrough bleeding with one and the other made me terribly nauseous. So I had to wait a month before I started this new one. Alison told me to use a condom during the transition but we got carried away once and he snuck up on me early in the morning the other time," she said as she looked down at the table in embarrassment.
Ryan slid her hand over and patted Jamie's. "I'm sorry if I'm prying. I'm just a little worried about you."
She gave her a broad smile and replied, "It's okay. I know I've got some issues that I have to work out with Jack. I guess I just want to make sure that we don't start our family until we get them resolved. I think we have quite a few years of growing up before we're ready."
"I think you're awfully mature for a 20 year old," Ryan revealed. "But having kids is a whole new world."
Chapter 7
Jamie rushed home after her morning classes and dove into her work. She didn't cook elaborate meals very often, but she really enjoyed doing so when she got the chance. She actually enjoyed making something difficult a lot more than just making an ordinary dinner, especially when she was feeding someone who really enjoyed food...and she didn't know a soul who enjoyed eating more than Ryan.
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