Jamie just grinned in response.
They ate in silence for a few minutes to allow Ryan to concentrate. Finally, she looked up from her plate. "I need to know how you made this. There is nothing about this that I recognize, not the noodles, not the sauce, nothing! Most of the time lasagna is heavy and overly rich. This is just so light and delicate tasting."
Jamie explained the entire process, while Ryan watched her in rapt fascination. Finally she shook her head and locked her clear blue eyes on her friend and asked, "You did that all just for my birthday?"
"Yep. And I'd do it again in a minute to see you enjoy yourself so much," she replied truthfully.
"Do you cook like this for Jack?" Ryan asked after a moment, a bit off topic.
"I do cook for him, but I don't think I've ever done anything very elaborate. He doesn't care about food a lot. He thanks me for cooking, but in the same way he thanks me for vacuuming. I think he eats to live, and that's about it."
"Well, anytime you need an enthusiastic taste tester, you know where to find me."
"I'll keep your name on file," Jamie replied with a grin
After Ryan had eaten much more than Jamie thought wise, they sat together in the living room with large cups of cappuccino. "Is there anything you don't cook well?" Ryan asked as she sipped her coffee.
"I'm sure I've screwed up my share of meals. I just had a good day," she replied. "But I must admit, cooking for an appreciate audience is really pleasurable."
"If I were any more appreciative I'd be on the phone to the Vatican petitioning you for early sainthood," Ryan said.
"I was thinking about the teen talk line," Jamie said after a few minutes. "Yvonne said you were the volunteer who logged the most hours. When did that happen, and how did you get involved?"
Ryan was silent for a few moments. She looked down at the floor as she said softly, "It's a long, sad story. Are you sure you want to hear it?"
"Only if you want to talk about it," Jamie replied.
"I like to reflect on my life on my birthday. It's a good way to appreciate all of the gifts I've been given. So I don't mind. But I guess I've got to go back to high school to make it make sense. Did I ever tell you about Sara?" When Jamie shook her head, Ryan continued. "She was my best friend all through grammar and high school. It was kind of like the caller you helped the other night. I was totally in love with her. She was my whole world. I have never felt like that about anyone--before or since," she admitted, her hooded eyes dark.
"I went to an all girls Catholic high school. I knew that I was different from my friends but it didn't bother me. I thought I was just unique," she said as she gave Jamie a crooked little grin. "I didn't ever have a crush on a guy or have any desire to go out with one. Luckily we didn't have the pressure of having guys around all the time, so the issue was never forced. I honestly never considered that I might be gay, though. I just thought I was...me I thought everyone had crushes on their girlfriends and teachers. I honestly thought everyone scheduled their week around 'Cagney and Lacey'," Ryan said with a small laugh at the memory.
Jamie didn't understand the reference but she nodded to encourage Ryan to continue.
"Anyway, as the years passed I began to feel more than close to Sara. I wanted to be 'with her', even though I didn't really know what that meant or how to go about it. I was really naive when it came to sex. That was one area that Da did a crummy job with. And the boys were certainly no help. It might have been different if I was a little worldlier but my whole universe was sports and Sara. I didn't watch TV very often or go to many movies or participate much in community events so I was just not clued into lesbianism."
"You must have been so confused," Jamie empathized.
"In a way I was, but in another way I assumed Sara felt just like I did. We were so close it was like we shared a soul." Ryan dropped her head a little, but continued. "I was finding the temptation overwhelming just to touch or kiss Sara. She was all that I thought about. I wanted to let her know how I felt, but I was so confused about what this thing was, that I didn't feel able to."
Jamie nodded to encourage Ryan to continue.
"One night I was staying over at Sara's. We did that a lot. It was the end of my junior year. She was a year older and she had already decided to accept a soccer scholarship at Cal. Her graduation was in a couple of weeks and she was going to go to a soccer camp in San Diego as soon as school was over. I was panicked at the thought of her going away and I let my fear of losing her override my fear of expressing myself."
Jamie cringed, knowing right where this was heading.
"We got into bed and I started talking. I told her that I didn't think I could live without her. I told her everything--how much I wanted her, how I dreamed about her, how she meant everything to me. She was kind of quiet, but I thought she agreed. After a minute I reached for her and I kissed her. I had never kissed another person in my life and it was kind of overwhelming," here she shook her head and stared at the floor.
"I was shaking so hard she must have heard my teeth chattering but I could tell she was nervous too. But God, Jamie," here she took a deep breath and let her head drop back against her shoulders. "Nothing since has ever felt that good to me."
"I thought she was enjoying it as much as I was," she said with a rasp in her voice. "No, I know she was enjoying it. I know it," she said firmly as she closed her eyes tightly.
Jamie had moved closer to her for comfort. She didn't touch her, but she was so close she could feel the heat radiating off her body.
"In my fumbling, terrified way I continued on. I don't know where I got the courage but I got more and more aggressive. I guess all those years of yearning for her propelled me forward. I explored every inch of her body with my hands. After a long time of totally tender touches we began to get more passionate. And it wasn't just me. She didn't touch me intimately but she kissed me with so much emotion..." Ryan closed her eyes again stared up at the ceiling. "I can still taste her lips," she whispered as she shook her head and took in a deep breath. She seemed on the verge of tears but she gathered herself and continued on. "Eventually I discovered what she liked and brought her to orgasm. I cannot tell you how that made me feel, Jamie. I can honestly say that was the happiest moment of my young life. I felt closer to her than I thought possible. I had used my hands and my body to give her such pleasure. She seemed so satisfied, and a few moments later she kissed me with so much love in her eyes. As she fell asleep in my arms, I held on to her with all the strength and the tenderness that I possessed."
Ryan blew out a big breath and Jamie steeled herself for the inevitable.
"I didn't sleep much that night. It felt so wonderful to be that close to her. I can't describe it as anything other than feeling like I was finally home. I watched her sleep and occasionally would give her a light kiss. I was planning our lives together. I decided that night that when I followed her to Cal we would live together and start our lives together," she smiled sadly at the memory.
"In the morning, Mrs. Andrews came to wake us up. Sara acted very flustered when her mom was there and I figured she was uncomfortable about us getting caught. She came up with some lame excuse and told me she had to go somewhere with her mother. I felt a little funny about it, but I wasn't really worried. I should have been. That was the last conversation we ever had."
Jamie sat in the still room with her hand on Ryan's knee. She knew the depth of the hurt, could see it on Ryan's face, and hear it in her voice. But she had no words to heal the old pain. Instead, she just patted Ryan's knee in sympathy and understanding.
"She would not return my phone calls. On Monday at school she would not even make eye contact with me. I honestly almost lost my mind that day. After school I went to her house. Her mom told me that she didn't want to see me anymore. She asked me to never call their house again."
"How unspeakably cruel!" Jamie shouted in indignation. "How could she do that to you?"
"Actually that was what made it
even harder. I was really close with her mom. She was one of my mother substitutes, but I never saw her again after that day. But I don't blame her." She gave Jamie a small grin as she admitted; "I can't say the same for Da or the boys though. Sara was obviously really upset and I guess her mom didn't want it to get any worse. Sara must have told her what had happened, because her mom told me that she hoped things worked out for me but that Sara wasn't like I was. I don't know," she said softly. "If my daughter was in the same situation I might have done the same thing."
"I don't believe that for a minute, Ryan," Jamie said firmly. "If you were her mother you would find a way to be supportive of a child that was going through a very difficult time. You would not turn your back on a child that needed you!" Jamie continued to stroke and pat her leg and Ryan finally gave her a small smile.
"It was a terrible time for me. After the loss of my mother this was the worst thing that ever happened to me. It screwed up the way I felt about myself for a very long time. It was the only time in my life that I felt bad about being gay. I believed every bad thing I had ever heard about gay people. If someone as wonderful as Sara and as great as her mother thought I was sick, I assumed that I must be. I started doing some crazy stuff. I started hanging out in The Castro and going to bed with older women. I was almost 17 but I looked older. I would be with anyone who wanted me. But I didn't really get anything out of the sex. I just wanted the contact. I wanted to be with other freaks like me. But that's what's so hard for so many gay kids. We don't get a chance to develop like straight kids do. Not many of us get to have normal dating relationships. We often go from a crush to having sex like I did. And I realize now how harmful that is for kids. It's too overwhelming to have your first kiss followed by your first time making love."
"How did you come out of it?"
"It took a while. The next school year things got quite a bit worse. I'll save the details for another day. Sara obviously told some people about what I did to her and everyone started to treat me like a freak. I spent the whole year just trying to survive. It was an unbelievably tough year."
"Didn't you talk to anyone?" Jamie inquired gently as she continued to run her hand up and down Ryan's leg.
"After my first semester grades came out over Christmas break Brendan sat me down and said he was worried about me. The boys didn't know what I was doing, but they knew that I had changed. I never came home drunk when Da was home but he was gone 3 or 4 nights out of the week. Brendan was away at school and Conor and Rory had their own things so they didn't keep a very close eye on me. Brendan told me that I could tell him anything, and after a good bit of prodding he pulled it out of me. "He was so wonderful, Jamie," Ryan smiled at the memory. "He was so completely understanding. He really reassured me that there was nothing wrong with me. He said that as I got older I would find lots of women who wanted to be with me. A little while after we talked I made myself tell Da and the other boys. I've never asked Brendan, but I think he told them first so they'd be prepared. They were all super. Da told me that I was precious to him no matter who I loved."
"I'm so glad they were all supportive of you, Ryan. That must have really helped."
"More than I could have imagined. I didn't feel like I was bad for being this way any more. My self image got a lot better and I stopped being with people just because they wanted me. Brendan did some research and he hooked me up with the Teen Talk Line. I talked to someone really nice who was very supportive. She told me about 'Daughters of Sappho' and some other places that young women could go. After a while I went to the talk line and got trained as a peer counselor. Talking to other kids helped me realize how good things really were for me. By second semester my grades were back up, but I had screwed up at the worst time. My scholarship to Cal was withdrawn and I had to come up with another plan."
"What did you do?" Jamie asked.
"Conor started taking me to the gym with him and I really got into it. After I graduated I spent the summer taking classes to become a trainer and I worked every possible minute that I could. I had been accepted at the University of San Francisco as my fallback school, but it was really expensive, so I had to work full time to be able to afford the tuition."
"But why go somewhere so expensive? Couldn't you have gotten in somewhere else?"
"Getting in places wasn't a problem," Ryan assured her. "But I had such a hard time during my senior year that I couldn't bear to live away from home. I really needed their support that year. Besides, after all of the problems I had in school that year taking a couple of years off seemed really appealing. So I worked for 2 years and I really enjoyed it. I could really focus on what was important to me. In retrospect it was a foolish decision to waste 2 years and have to pay my own way, but I was so heartbroken over not being given my scholarship that I just couldn't bear to attend Cal. And the thought of seeing Sara around campus was just something I couldn't risk. After I completed two years at USF I decided that I had sulked long enough and I transferred. It's where I'd always dreamed of going and I finally decided that I was only hurting myself by not going there."
"Wow, you sure have been through some hard times," Jamie said as she patted her back.
"Yeah, but I got through them. And I feel pretty darn good about myself now. I mean, I must be doing something right to merit a friend like you, don't I?" she said sincerely as she looked over at Jamie with those clear blue eyes.
Jamie just soaked in the words of friendship that Ryan so easily offered. I do not understand why she isn't in a relationship. It seems so easy for her to open up and show her feelings. Is she really that different when sex is involved?
After Ryan had digested enough of her dinner to allow for dessert Jamie led her back into the kitchen. "I hope you like what I made for dessert. I know you say you like everything, but this is a little different," she said with a smile at Ryan's interested expression. "The last time my mother and I were in Bologna we had this at the same restaurant that made this style of lasagna. It's really the prototypical dessert of the region and I thought it would be a perfect compliment to dinner."
Ryan watched as Jamie took the frozen insert of the ice cream maker from the freezer. She removed two pale green milk glass bowls from the cabinet and scooped the frozen concoction into the bowls. Next she removed some delicate little orange and chocolate flavored cookies that she had purchased from a fabulous craft bakery on the way home from school. As she looked at Ryan she saw her eyes go wide.
"You made ice cream?" she asked very tentatively. "I thought you had to be Ben or Jerry to make ice cream," she said slowly.
"No, it's a feat that is easily accomplished if you have a good ice cream maker," Jamie replied.
"You know, you are the last person in the world who should be underweight. You obviously don't cook much for yourself," Ryan observed as she playfully tried to pinch her waist.
"No, I really don't," she giggled as she tried to dance out of the way. "I prefer to cook for others I suppose."
"If you don't stop saying that you're gonna find me on your door step every evening," she threatened. Ryan was focused on her bowl as she took her first big bite of the custard. Her eyes closed and she dropped her head to her chest. Both hands came up and balled into fists as she lightly pounded on the table for a few beats, then looked up at Jamie in wonder. Her hands opened and rose halfway to her face. She shook her hands lightly as she wagged her head from side to side.
Not a word had been spoken, but Jamie knew that she was being lavishly complimented. After every bite Ryan would look at her with a delighted expression of amazement and another little shake of her head. Finally, when her bowl was clean Ryan finally muttered softly, "I have no words." She shook her head again and looked rather helpless as she said, "If I could have another bowl I'd be forever grateful."
As her second bowl was presented Ryan predicted, "I'm sure I'll be more erudite after my second helping." She dug in again, but was once more totally silent. Her brows knit in concentration and she
looked very reflective a couple of times; as if she had a point to make. But she would again shake her head lightly and shrug her shoulders in a small sign of defeat. She regarded her friend once again and admitted, "I just can't form a cogent thought. I truly want to do justice to that ambrosia but I am unable to come up with a compliment that is representative of my feelings."
"None needed," Jamie replied as she gently patted her cheek. "Just watching you eat is the supreme compliment." As she spoke, she rose and crossed the room to retrieve the hidden presents. She brought the small pile over to a still dumbstruck Ryan who gave her a delighted smile.
"Jamie, you certainly didn't have to buy me presents after all this!" she protested.
"I know I didn't have to. But I wanted to. It really gave me a lot of enjoyment to be able to buy you a few little things," she replied.
"Okay, you win. If you get pleasure out of doing this, then I'm going to shut up and just let myself enjoy it," she decided as she grabbed the first little box.
Jamie watched her face take on a childlike glee as she shook each box in turn. "I like to guess. Can I?" she asked.
"Of course, birthday girl. You can do anything you want."
"What I want is for you to be my personal chef," she said with a grin. "But I'll settle for opening my presents. She shook a box that was about 9 inches square. This one gave a funny little rumble. "Hmmm," she mused. The next box was small, about 2" by 3". A muffled wooden clicking sound emanated from it. The last gift was about 7 inches long and 4 inches wide. It was no more than a quarter inch thick and made no sound when shaken. "I think I'm ready," she finally pronounced. "I believe there is a common theme?"
"Yes," came the answer.
"So one box will lead me to guess the others?"
"Most likely."
"Okay," she said as she waved the long thin package. "I think this one is a golf glove," she stated with authority.
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