Next came the harder call to make. She dialed the number and closed her eyes, wishing that he wasn't home. No such luck. He answered on the first ring, clearly agitated. "Jamie! Where have you been!" he shouted. "I've looked for you all night!" Jamie was shocked. He really sounded like he was going to cry.
"I told you I wanted to be alone, Jack. I'm sorry you were worried about me, but I really did not think it was a good idea to speak with you given how I was feeling."
"Jamie, I feel like you're slipping away from me. I don't know how to hold on to you!" he really was crying now, she thought with alarm.
"Jack, the only way to hold on to me is to let me live my life," she said gently. "I can't stand to have you or anyone else try to control me."
"Are you still in love with me, Jamie? Do you still want to marry me?" he pleaded.
"I still love you Jack. But I don't like you when you treat me like your property. We've got a lot to talk about, but I've got to get to class. When will you be home tonight?"
"About 8 p.m. I've got a meeting for law review at 5, but I'll make sure I'm home by 8 if you'll come down."
"I'll be there. Now don't worry, honey. We can work this out, but it's going to take some effort," she reassured him.
Ryan agreed to drive her down to Palo Alto after rush hour. Jamie got through her day in a bit of a contemplative fog and was sitting in her living room when Ryan and Mia came in just after 4 p.m.
"Hi, guys," she said as she looked up from her book. "I forgot you were going to start working together today," she said as her memory clicked in. "How did it go?"
"She killed me!" Mia moaned. "I thought I was in pretty good shape from going to my gym, but I've obviously been wasting my time."
"You're the one who kept saying, 'More weight!'" Ryan laughed.
"Let Ryan massage your legs if they're sore, she has great hands," she said as she blushed a little when she heard the words come out.
"Either massage them or cut them off!" Mia moaned as she dropped to the floor and offered her legs to Ryan.
With a smirk, Ryan gamely worked on the stressed appendages while Jamie continued to read. The front door opened just as Ryan was finishing up the right leg. Cassie strode into the room and observed, "Am I the only one in this house that hasn't fallen prey to your charms, Ryan?"
Jamie heard the muttered, "You're the only one they haven't been offered to," but she was fairly sure that Cassie did not hear the reply. "Does anyone want a cold drink?" Jamie asked as she rose to go to the kitchen. Both Ryan and Mia answered in the affirmative.
Cassie entered the kitchen right behind Jamie who did her best to ignore her former friend. She grabbed 3 bottles of water and brushed past her on the way out. As she handed the bottles to Mia and Ryan she said, "Come on up to my room when you're done." Cassie exited the kitchen and stared at Jamie's retreating form, finally placing her hands on her hips and asking no one in particular, "What in the hell has gotten into her?"
Neither Mia nor Ryan responded to this rhetorical question. Ryan had loosened up Mia's legs and she instructed her to take a long hot shower to keep them flexible. "I'll see you on Wednesday," Ryan grinned as she began to climb the stairs.
Mia turned to a still fuming Cassie and shrugged her shoulders, "What can I say, she's got great hands?"
Jamie was lying on her bed with her hands knit behind her head when Ryan knocked lightly on the door prior to entering. "I'm glad you're here," she said as she looked at her strong friend. "You're the only person who might be able to pull me off her if I try to strangle her."
"I feel a little out of the loop," Ryan admitted. "I don't know how Cassie's involved in all of this."
"I found out yesterday that she has been fanning the flames with Jack again. He basically said that she had told him that I spent every free minute of my time with you."
"I should be so lucky," Ryan grinned a quirky smile. She had curled up on the loveseat under the window, looking very relaxed.
"You sure do know how to make a girl feel good," Jamie replied.
"That comes in handy in my line of work," Ryan waggled an eyebrow, just as she ducked a forcefully thrown pillow.
After a few minutes spent chatting about their respective days, Jamie grew pensive. "Would you mind if I wanted to talk about Jack for a bit?"
"Not at all, Jamie. I'd be happy to listen to anything you have to say."
"Do you think I'm crazy to be getting married so soon?" Jamie surprised herself with this question. Where did that come from?
"Thanks for starting with the simple question first," Ryan smiled sardonically. After a moment she answered, "I wasn't ready to make that kind of commitment when I was your age. But you are a lot more mature than I was then. Actually, you're more mature than I am now," she grinned.
"But you know me, Ryan. Do you think I'm ready to be married?"
"Before I can render my expert opinion," here she grinned fully, "I have to ask you some questions."
"Ask away," Jamie replied.
"What does marriage mean to you?" she inquired seriously.
She considered this for a long time. "I think of it as a lifetime commitment to share all of the joys and sorrows of life with one special person. I pledge to share my deepest thoughts and feelings with him. I promise to share my body with him alone. And I promise to do everything I can to make his life more complete."
"I would say that is the best description of marriage that I have ever heard," Ryan finally responded. "Do you feel able to honor all of those pledges to him?"
"I do," Jamie started to reply, but she caught herself. "I did," she corrected. "But now I'm less sure. It obviously isn't a marriage if he doesn't feel the same way about me. And I'm no longer sure that he wants me to be myself." Jamie got up from the bed and came over to sit next to Ryan. "I used to be quite sure that he felt the same way. But this whole argument about you has caused me to question a lot of things I once believed."
"How so?" Ryan inquired.
"He seems to feel entitled to tell me how to spend my time. I could see his point if it interfered with our time together, but it doesn't." Ryan nodded her understanding. "I'm really into the AIDS ride. And it disappoints me that he doesn't seem to support me at all. He doesn't ask about my training or anything." After a moment she added, "Although he has been complimenting me on my body," she said with a blush.
"Well at least he's not blind," Ryan teased as she felt an involuntary flush creep up her face. Getting back to the topic she asked, "Did he used to be interested in your life?"
"I think so, but I'm not really sure. I mean; I have changed since I've known you, Ryan. I do want more from him than I used to want."
"Why is that, Jamie? What have I done?" she asked, a bit confused.
"You are interested in me. You make me feel like I'm important. You ask me about what I do and what I like. It's made me wish for that from him. I shouldn't have to get that from my girlfriends. My lover should care more about me than my friends," she explained logically.
"You might be right, Jamie, but I'm not sure. It's a rare man that can make you feel connected like a woman can. And believe me, I'm not knocking men. I just think there are things you can get from women that are hard for men to give."
"I suppose you are right. Like when we fight he doesn't want to talk about it or work it out. He just wants to um...be intimate. But that doesn't settle things for me. I don't get over my emotional pains through sex," she said pensively.
"I know that a lot of men express their feelings through sex. Maybe you just need to spend more time explaining what your needs are. There is a good chance he'll try to meet your needs once he know what they are."
"I suppose that's true. I haven't been very forceful in making him realize what my needs are. I've just been hoping that he would know what they are and try to meet them."
"That doesn't seem fair to him," Ryan agreed. "I know from dealing with my brothers that they are often clueless about emotional issues. They rea
lly need to be guided."
"You seem to know a lot about men. I guess being raised with all those brothers really gave you an advantage," Jamie said.
"All I know is that it's really different being in a relationship with a man versus a woman. With a woman I feel like I can use shorthand and she'll be able to understand. You need to be much clearer with men. "
"It sounds like it's so much easier being with a woman," Jamie lamented.
Ryan looked at her thoughtfully for a long time. "In a way it is, but there is a tendency for women to identify with each other too much and become too interdependent. In an opposite sex couple there is a push-pull, yin-yang kind of thing that creates a lot of tension. And tension can make for really hot sex," she said with a smile.
"Oh great!" she moaned. "I get all the tension and none of the hot sex!"
"Um...you don't want to talk about that too do you?" Ryan asked warily.
"No, I'll spare you those gruesome details," Jamie replied.
"Whew," was all that Ryan could utter.
Ryan dropped Jamie off in front of Jack's apartment just before 8 p.m. As Jamie got off the bike she leaned over and planted a kiss on her cheek. "You're the best," she said with a smile as she made her way up to the staircase.
Jack was sitting on the couch waiting for her. He got up when she entered but he didn't make a move to come to her. She felt very awkward around him and she knew that her body language betrayed this.
"Do you mind if I kiss you hello?" he asked shyly.
"Of course not, Jack," she replied easily as she opened her arms to him. He was upon her in less than a second. He wrapped his arms around her tightly and nuzzled his head into her neck.
"I'm sorry, Jamie. I'm so sorry," he mumbled, over and over.
Jamie really felt empathy for him at that moment. She forgot about the fight and just gave herself over to his embrace. But as soon as he felt her begin to relax he leaned his head down and began to kiss her, slowly and tentatively at first, but then increasing in intensity and confidence. She felt him begin to get aroused and she pushed him away gently. "We need to talk, Jack," she said as she locked onto his passion filled eyes.
He gave her a hurt look as he moved back, but he respected her wishes and went back to sit down on the couch. He looked up at her and tentatively patted the couch cushion next to him. She smiled and sat down next to him, allowing him to wrap his arm around her.
"I know I was wrong, Jamie, but I am so jealous of that woman I can't see straight," he finally revealed.
"Jack, what on earth do you have to be jealous about?" she asked, completely astounded by his admission.
"Jamie, how would you feel if my law review partner was a gorgeous woman with a reputation for seducing every guy she could get her hands on?" he cut her off with a raised hand when she tried to interrupt. "And what if I spent a lot of my free time with her, not doing school work, just hanging out?" He cocked his head at her, "Wouldn't that bother you?"
"That's not a good analogy, Jack," she explained patiently. "A better one would be if your partner was a very good looking gay guy who had a reputation for dating lots of other gay men." He began to scowl at this analogy. "It would not bother me one bit if you became friends with a gay man," she added.
"That's not the same thing," he replied confidently, concurrently trying to figure out why it wasn't.
"Tell me why it isn't?" she said sweetly, knowing he could not.
"I don't know but it's not," he said firmly.
"Okay, let's start over. Tell me why you are jealous of her."
"I'm afraid she is just being friends with you to seduce you," he admitted with an embarrassed look.
"Well, I'm not sure who that insults more, but go on," she encouraged.
"I don't see how hanging out with her is any different than hanging out with a guy who is after you," he finished.
"Well, it's simple, really. One-she is not after me. Two-she is not a guy: she is a woman. Three-I'm committed to be married to you. I would not cheat on you with a man or a woman," she replied.
"How do you know she isn't after you?" he said.
"Because I asked her," she said simply.
"You what?!" he shouted.
"I had heard the rumors about her and I had seen her flirting with the other women in class so I asked her if she was interested in me," she stated patiently. "I had no interest in developing a friendship with her if she was going to be flirting with me the whole time."
"What did she say?" he asked, perplexed by this development.
"She said she knew I was straight and that she didn't like to date straight women. She also said that she thought I was cute and that she had been interested, but that she didn't like to date her friends."
"And you believed her?" he asked as though Jamie was slightly slow.
"Yes, I did and I still do. We spend a lot of time together Jack. She tells me all about her life and the women she sees. I know her family. I know what kind of person she is. She is loyal and honest and very forthright. She is very funny and bright and interesting. And I trust her completely, Jack." Just to tweak him a bit she added, "She's got 3 older brothers and about a dozen cousins who are just as good looking. And the best looking one of the bunch is always flirting with me. That's who you should be jealous of," she said with a smirk.
"Oh, now I feel better," he grumbled. "Look Jamie, I know you don't have a lot of experience with guys but we tell girls anything to get them into bed. A guy will spend years being your friend just in the hopes of one day sleeping with you."
"I may not have slept with other men, Jack, but I do have some experience," she replied. "I know many guys are like that. But in my limited experience lesbians are not. You seem to think she's a man without a penis. But she's a woman, Jack." She fished around in her head for an example. "How many women do you know who work really hard to get a guy to sleep with them?"
"If they're good looking, they don't have to," he said, slightly perplexed.
"Exactly. Women generally don't go to great lengths to hit on guys. The lesbians I know are more like that than they are like guys." He looked suspicious. "Oh, they flirt with each other but they don't come on like guys do. It's much more subtle."
"That favors my point!" he said. "It's harder to tell when she's coming on to you. It's more invasive than aggressive."
"Surely you agree that Ryan is great looking." He gave a slight nod. "She can have her pick of women at school. And believe me, they practically throw themselves at her. She certainly would not be wasting her time trying to turn me into a lesbian when she has so many to choose from. That just doesn't make sense."
"So you are saying that she treats you just the same as any of your other friends, right?" he finally asked in challenge.
She thought about this for a long while. She did not want to prolong this, but she wasn't going to lie. "No, that's not true," she admitted. "The dynamic is different with her. She's very comfortable touching other women and that makes her a bit more physically close than my other friends." She gathered her courage, "And she's very comfortable in her own body. She's a massage therapist as well as a trainer and she's very comfortable with physical affection."
"Like what?" he inquired suspiciously.
"Like rubbing my legs after a workout, or giving me a hug when I've had a bad day," she replied.
"And you truly don't think that she gets aroused when she touches you?" he asked warily.
"I'm certain that she does not," she replied firmly. Thank you; thank you for not asking the inverse question
After another hour or so of discussion Jack agreed that he would try harder to accept Ryan as a part of Jamie's life. He also agreed that he would do his best to not interfere in her choice of friends or activities. By now it was nearly 10 o'clock and Jamie had an early class.
"Can you stay over tonight?" he asked as he began to nuzzle her ear and neck.
"I've got an 8 o'clock class honey. I'd have to get up before 6 to make it
," she replied as she kissed his cheek. He was not to be dissuaded however, and within minutes she found herself half naked on the couch. She decided that this intimacy was something that he really needed so she let him continue his quest. She felt gentle and loving towards him as he touched her body reverently. He pushed a bit faster than she would have liked, but all in all it was a pleasant experience.
His head rested on her breast as she rubbed his back and rocked him slightly. "I love you, Jack," she murmured into his ear. "I love you."
Chapter 9
When Jamie arrived home just before 1 a.m. there was a message on her machine from Ryan. "Hi. Call me if you need to talk. It doesn't matter how late it is."
She is so sweet to me. I don't know what I've done to deserve her friendship, but I'm really happy I have it. She didn't feel the need to take Ryan up on her offer and she didn't have any intention of waking her up needlessly so she refrained from calling.
She barely made it to her 8 o'clock class. After a rather tedious class discussion she stumbled out of the classroom sleepily, bumping directly into a grinning Ryan.
"Somebody didn't have their latte' yet," she teased.
"It's that obvious isn't it?" she agreed. "I barely made it to class. Speaking of class, what are you doing here?"
"My lab was canceled so I had some free time. I thought I'd come see how you were."
"I didn't know you even knew what classes I had on Tuesday, much less where they were," she said, slightly amazed.
"Of course I know those little details," Ryan said, a bit puzzled. "Don't you know my class schedule?"
"Yeah, I guess I do," she admitted. "Is this what you meant about women being more connected than men?"
"Precisely," Ryan agreed as she guided her through the building in search of a latte'.
Jamie spent a few minutes updating Ryan on her evening with Jack. "It sounds like it went pretty well," Ryan said thoughtfully. "I've got to admit that his assumptions about me are not uncommon. Hopefully he'll realize over time that all I want from you is friendship...and lasagna," she grinned. "But he really does sound like he wants to make you happy, Jamie."
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