He sat in silence for a few minutes; his shoulders still a little slumped. Finally, he took a deep breath and slowly let it out. "Look, Jamie. I know you're used to getting everything you want. I know you've been terribly spoiled both with material things and by always having things done your way." He ignored her look of outrage and blithely continued. "But that's part of you and I'm willing to accept that most of the time. But you've got to learn that there are some things that you're going to have to give in on. It can't be me who has to give in all of the time," he explained as patiently as he could.
She was silent for a long time as she dropped her head back against the vinyl seat. Shaking her head slowly she asked in a voice filled with sorrow, "Is that really how you think of me? As a spoiled little rich girl who gets everything she demands?"
"Well, yes," he said confidently. "I feel like I'm supposed to make the sacrifices in our relationship and I've got to admit that I'm growing a little tired of it."
Her anger had been bubbling up throughout his explanation and when he finished she felt the words begin to fly from her mouth. "What sacrifices have you made, Jack? I'm dying to hear them," she said bitterly. "Tell me about how you have to leave your house in rush hour traffic every Friday night. Tell me how you no sooner arrive than you have to start dinner, alone, while I sit in the living room and read. Tell me how you feel when I barely comment on what you've made. Tell me how you do the dishes alone while I continue to read. Tell me about how you sit in the living room and watch me study every Friday, Saturday and Sunday. Tell me about how you feel when the only time I pay attention to you is when we have sex. Tell me how you lie in bed and get so frus..." She yanked herself back from the abyss just before she told him exactly how unhappy she was with their sex life. The tension in the car was so thick that it was nearly visible, but she was afraid to look at him. Long minutes passed before he finally spoke.
"I didn't realize you were so miserable," he got out as a tear escaped down his face.
"I'm not miserable!" she said fervently. "I'm not!" She lifted her hand to his face and softly stroked his cheek. "I'm not," she whispered as the tears started to slide down her own cheeks. "Are you miserable, Jack?" she asked softly.
"No," he said shakily through his tears. "But I was so much happier before. You seemed happy too," he said. "Now you just seem tense around me. I know you're not happy, Jamie and it's driving me crazy!" he choked out as he began to sob. She continued to stroke his cheek and run her fingers through his hair for a long time. As he got control of his voice he added, "I know you don't like what we do in bed. But I just don't know how to please you. I swear I've never had this problem with any other woman. I just don't know what to do," he moaned.
"It's okay, Jack. I swear I'm not unhappy with you. It's just that I'm changing and growing up a little bit. I love to come down here on the weekends, and I love to cook for you. But when you give me such a hard time about what I do when we're not together it just drives me insane! I think that's why it's been hard for me in bed," she admitted. "I need to feel totally connected with you to be able to enjoy sex. When we have this ongoing tension I just can't relax. But that's all it is, Honey, I'm sure of it."
He looked over at her with an expression that was equal parts fear and trust. The sadness in his sweet blue eyes nearly broke her heart. "Honey, can we get out for a moment?" she finally asked.
He looked a little suspicious but he complied, coming around to stand on the sidewalk next to the car. She got out and stood right next to him as she put her arms around his waist. He slid his arms around her back and held her close for a long time. He bent his head to smell her hair and breathe in her reassuring scent as he felt some of the tension ebbing away. Jamie felt the same way and she looked up into his eyes and said, "I feel so good when you hold me. It just feels so right to be close to you."
He squeezed her tightly as he felt the emotion well up in his chest. "I'll try harder, Jamie. I swear I will."
The evening spent with the Townsends was thankfully more jovial than the tension filled afternoon at the Evanses. Jack came from a fairly large extended family and a raft of aunts, uncles, cousins and their children were in attendance. Jamie spent some time playing with the assorted children and that lifted her spirits substantially. She took a little break to go into the kitchen and offer to help. She noted that every adult woman was in the kitchen chatting about their kids and their husbands. The conversation was fairly interesting, but it just seemed a bit alien to her. After her offer of help was rebuffed she went into the living room to watch a bit of the Dallas-Philadelphia game on TV. She paid close attention to the conversation and noted that not one man mentioned his spouse or his kids. They talked exclusively about the game, politics and their jobs. Are we really so different? How can we ever expect to get along for 50 years if we just aren't interested in the same things?
She was not really included in the conversation and she realized that Jack didn't even seem that happy to have her in with the men. Even though she knew more about football than half of them, she felt like her comments wouldn't be appreciated so she eventually went back to play with the kids.
It's odd how I feel so out of place here. When I'm at the O'Flaherty's I never feel like a woman, I just feel like me. The boys treat me like one of them, not like I'm different. But here it feels like there are two different camps and I'm not in either one. The women don't accept me because I'm not a mother yet and the men never will. Where do I belong?
Jack's cousin Stephanie had a 6 month old boy named Ethan that Jamie was drawn to. She whisked him away and carried him around the house as she spoke into his ear. Stephanie was at least 10 years older, but she was the cousin closest in age to Jamie. "You can get one of these for yourself," she teased as she came up from behind.
"Not for a long while," Jamie said confidently. "I'm sure I won't have a child before I'm 30." She had not noticed, but Jack was standing next to Stephanie and as Jamie turned she caught the shadow that passed over his face. Now what did I do?
"So you want to keep her all to yourself for a while, huh Jack?" Stephanie asked playfully.
"Jamie's the boss," he said with a thin smile as he turned to head back to the safety of the football game.
Well that answers that question, she thought disgustedly. They left her alone with the baby and her thoughts immediately turned to her friend, I wonder if Ryan has commandeered Caitlin by now, she thought wistfully. I'd give anything to be with the O'Flaherty's today. I wonder if Jack will mind if I spend all of the holidays with Ryan after we're married? she thought with a disgusted sigh.
After Jack dropped Jamie off at her parents home the next morning she spent a long time getting ready for her bike ride. The park was a good 10 miles away, but she decided to ride there just so she could leave earlier. As she came downstairs her mother regarded her with alarm. "Where are you going in that outfit?" she said as she stared at the skin tight black shorts and the equally snug emerald green jersey.
"I'm going on a bike ride, Mother," she replied airily as she continued down the stairs.
Her mother continued to stare at her, so Jamie did not even stop to get a bottle of water. She nearly jogged to the front door and grabbed her bike from the open garage and took off. Ahhh, freedom.
When she finally met up with Ryan she was already a bit tired. She told her friend the bare outline of the conversation with her father, but she elaborated on the two dinners that she had endured and included the low points of her argument with Jack. Ryan listened carefully, but could not really offer much solace.
Ryan had of course had a lively Thanksgiving. "It was exactly like the party for my birthday except we had cranberry sauce and dressing but no cake. I stole Caitlin right at the start and I didn't have to give her up all day," she gleefully related. "You should hurry up and get married so I can play with your kids," she teased.
As soon as those words hit her ears Jamie was struck by a bolt of panic. She realized with perfect acuity t
hat Ryan would not be a part of her future. Jack would never allow Ryan to attend their family dinners and carry their children around the house. Her father would never warmly welcome Ryan into his home. Marrying Jack would necessarily destroy her friendship with Ryan.
"Jamie, what's wrong?" Ryan asked in alarm as she got a look at her friend's face.
"I think I have a cramp in my thigh," she said as she stopped her bike and hopped off. Ryan did the same and bent down to examine the affected part. While Ryan was bent over Jamie did her best to compose her face. She was absolutely not going to share this revelation with her friend. Ryan began to knead the muscles in her thigh while she gazed up at Jamie's face. After a moment she asked, "Is it better now?"
"Much," Jamie replied as she forced a smile. She gazed at her as she worked on the leg for another minute. I can't lose you Ryan. I am not going to let them take your friendship from me. No matter what!
After they had ridden for a good 10 miles Jamie pled exhaustion so they found a nice grove of trees and sat at a picnic table to rest. Ryan gave her a sly smile as she patted the top of the concrete table and instructed, "Come on. You know you want it."
She hopped up without a second invitation as Ryan removed her shoes so her feet would not slide on the slick painted surface. Those strong hands started at her feet and worked slowly up her leg. By the time she reached her groin Jamie was tingling with sensation. It took her a second but the realization quickly hit her that this was nothing less than pure sexual arousal. She shook her head and reassured herself that it was not odd to become aroused when anyone touched you in such an intimate way. But she knew she had to put a stop to this quickly. "Could you concentrate on my calf where I had the cramp?" she asked in order to keep those hands away from her crotch.
"Umm, the cramp was up here," she said as she trailed her fingers along the inside of her thigh, mere inches from her throbbing vulva.
"Oh, right. Well, I must have a new one because my calf is sore now," she lied weakly.
Ryan set to work on the illusory cramp and after a few minutes Jamie called a halt to the entire endeavor. "Thanks," she said as she sat up and started to put her shoes back on.
"But I didn't get to the sore spot," she complained.
No, and we'll get arrested if you do, she thought wryly. "Feels fine," she said even though she knew she would feel much better if she let her continue.
Ryan hopped up on the table and sat next to her. "You seem awfully tense. Are things really going that badly for you?"
"Yeah, they really are," she admitted sadly. "I just don't know what to do about Jack."
"Are you sure you still want to see me as much? I just feel so guilty that I seem to be the cause of your problems."
"No, Ryan," she reassured her forcefully. "You are most definitely not the cause of our problems. We have lots more issues than who I see. Just last night we had another fight about sex."
"Ahh, wanna talk about it?" she asked hesitantly.
"I don't want to make you uncomfortable," Jamie replied, hoping that Ryan would insist.
"I'm not uncomfortable talking about sex, Jamie. You've heard me at the talk line. I just don't want to pry where I don't belong. I don't want to embarrass you."
"So you'd really be okay if I wanted to talk about something really personal?"
"Yep. I guarantee you won't shock me. Remember that I have the most hours logged at the Talk Line," she teased.
"I know, I know, but you never talk about really personal things, so I guess I feel like you must not want to."
"No, that's not it at all. I just haven't had many issues come up that have been bothering me. I've been sexually involved with women since I was 17, remember. I've had a lot of time to work out my issues."
"Is it hard for everyone to work out their issues as a couple?" she asked thoughtfully.
"I've never been with anyone for an extended period where some issues didn't arise," Ryan admitted. "I mean, how could they not? You're never more open and naked emotionally than you are with your sexual partner. All of your dormant issues come bubbling up to the surface when you expose yourself like that."
"I guess that does make sense," she admitted. "I just don't know how to get anywhere on my issue."
"Tell me about it," Ryan said firmly.
"Well, I know I've hinted that we don't get along great sexually."
Ryan nodded her assent, maintaining her neutral glance.
"Well, last night I decided that I was tired of being frustrated. So I got a little more aggressive. I asked him to please me first."
"Is that the first time you've done that?"
"Yeah, it is," she admitted with a blush. "I usually just let him do his thing and hope for the best."
"Go on," Ryan urged.
"I thought it went well. He got me there pretty easily when I gave him a few extra pointers," she said as her blush deepened. "But when he actually entered me he just didn't seem very excited. He finally finished, but it took him forever! Normally he just likes to go to sleep but I asked him what the problem was and he was tired enough that he didn't censor himself. He said he didn't enjoy sex as much when I was satisfied first because I wasn't as responsive. He said I move more and act more excited before I've had an orgasm."
Ryan nodded, trying to remain impassive even though she was beginning to get angry with Jack.
"So the bottom line is that he'd rather I was frustrated so he can have a better orgasm!"
Ryan guessed it was her turn so she jumped in. "What about pleasing you after he has an orgasm?"
"No, I don't think so. I'm usually too sensitive right afterward and his hand just causes too much friction. He tries, but either his fingers are too big or he just doesn't know how to be gentle enough. I get all tense and that just makes him do it harder which is the worst response."
"I've got another suggestion," she said quickly. "What about touching yourself while he's inside? I know the equipment isn't the same but when a woman has her fingers inside me I have to have some stimulation on my clitoris to reach orgasm."
Jamie wasn't sure why but the thought of Ryan on her back with a woman's fingers in her was enough to make her pass out. And just hearing her say 'my clitoris' made her pulse throb. She fought with herself to stay focused on her issues with Jack but the image kept flying through her mind. "I guess I can try that too," she finally agreed. "But I don't really enjoy the penetration all that much so I'm not sure I could get there."
"Um...what about oral sex after he's finished?"
"You're serious, right? He would rather poke his eye out than do that after intercourse. I offered that suggestion once and he acted like I was insane!"
"Too messy?"
"Yeah. But it's his mess!" she said defensively.
"Remind me to count my blessings again today," she teased. She ducked Jamie's swat as she continued in a more serious vein, "What about mutual oral sex?"
"Umm do you mean...?"
"Yeah. Could you give him a blow job while he goes down on you before you have intercourse?" she asked neutrally.
All of a sudden Jamie regretted having brought this entire topic up. She squirmed on the table top for a moment before she said, "I can't do that."
"You can't do what?" Ryan asked gently, sensing Jamie's growing discomfort.
"I can't give him a blow job," she said as the deep pink flush infused her cheeks. "I don't know why but it makes me sick to my stomach."
Now Ryan was stumped. She felt that oral sex was one of the most glorious experiences ever devised and she had a hard time understanding why Jamie would be so opposed to it. "Have you tried it?" she finally asked.
"Yes. I've tried it," she admitted softly. "But he kept hitting that thing in the back of my throat and I truly almost threw up in his lap."
"Uvula," Ryan helpfully supplied.
"Pardon?"
"That thing in the back of your throat is your uvula," she said. To herself she thought, Any idiot would know not to shove h
is dick so far down your throat as to make you gag, but she said, "It sounds like he got a little carried away. Maybe you should try it again but make sure you control how deep he goes. If you stayed on top of him you have a better chance of controlling things."
"I guess I have to try it again," she conceded, but she looked so glum that Ryan felt sorry for her.
"You're going to be with him for a very long time," she reminded her. "You don't have to have all of your sexual issues worked out before you get married but if you close the door to a lot of experiences I'm afraid you'll never try to open the door again."
Jamie pursed her lips and nodded her head slowly. "I know I need to be more open, Ryan. But part of me is just selfish. I know Jack doesn't like to use his mouth on me and I'm unwilling to get over my fears if he isn't willing to do the same. I'm afraid it'll just be me pleasing him without him trying to please me."
"Jamie," she said gently. "Please don't take this as criticism but it puzzles me that you seem to begrudge doing things to please him. I mean, I've never been with a man but if men turned me on I think I'd be playing with their penises all day long. Like when I'm with a woman," she said softly as her voice became gentler and rather sensual. "It's her breasts and her vulva that turn me on. I just can't keep my hands off them," she laughed gently. "Don't you feel that way about his penis?"
Oh God, why did you have to say that! she screamed to herself as her mind locked on the image of Ryan's hands on her breasts. "Um, well...no, I don't think like that about his penis," she admitted. She placed her hands behind herself and leaned back on her locked arms. "I've never thought about it this way, Ryan," she had to admit. "But I don't think of his penis as a toy for both of us to play with. It seems more like the little dictator," she admitted with a wry laugh.
"Huh?"
"Our sex life is all about his penis," she revealed. "When he's hard he wants to have intercourse. It's really simple for him. He comes inside me and within a few minutes he's satisfied. But it doesn't work like that for me," she explained. "I mean..." She looked at Ryan for a moment and tried to translate her frustration to fit Ryan's sexual orientation. "Remember those dildoes we saw at 'Good Vibrations?"
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