On Saturday night they went to her parents home together. Jack looked very handsome in a navy blue double breasted blazer over a white long sleeved golf shirt. Gray flannel pleated slacks finished his look. Jamie was dressed in a short, sleek dress of nubby silk in a deep burnt umber. The deep earth color complimented her golden hair and showed off the tan she had obtained from her frequent bike rides.
Catherine greeted them at the door. She was obviously over her pique at Jamie as she kissed her cheek and gave her a firm hug. Jim came down the stairs moments later, giving Jamie a hug and a kiss as well.
They chatted about law review and Jack's recently completed finals. Jim was working on a case that had been in the news and he and Jack discussed it in detail. After a while Catherine asked what Jamie had done on her actual birthday. She casually replied that she had gone out for a drink with friends, noticing Jack's discomfort at the topic. She did not elaborate and they did not pursue the topic.
After a delicious dinner, Catherine brought out several small boxes as Marta presented a lovely white cake with coconut frosting, Jamie's favorite. Her mother had purchased a lovely pair of emerald earrings, the stones fashioned in a brilliant cut, nestled in simple gold collars. The earrings were lovely and they looked fantastic when Jamie put them on.
Her father gave her the thinnest watch that she had ever seen. Its solid gold case was no more than 1/8 inch. It was waterproof and shock resistant which made her happy as she thought about wearing it while working out and riding. It had a woven gold bracelet that hung a little loosely on her small wrist. Engraved on the back was 'Happy 21st, Love, Daddy'.
Jamie was terribly pleased with the gifts and she thanked both of her parents profusely. They told her of their travails and different choices available to them in deciding on the gifts. After a little while Catherine handed Jamie an envelope. Inside was a first class ticket to Florence via Air Italia. "I want to take you to a wonderful new exhibit at the Ufizzi," Catherine said with excitement in her voice. "I've seen so little of you this year I thought it would be a great way to reconnect a little bit."
Jamie's pleasure turned to dismay when she noted the departure and return dates. "Oh Mother, this is so thoughtful, but I'm not free during these weeks," she lamented.
"Of course you can be free, Jamie. School will be out by then, I checked myself."
"Mother, I told you about the bike ride I'm participating in," she explained. "My ride is right in the middle of this trip."
"Jamie, I thought I made it clear that I didn't want you to do that ride," Catherine said slowly.
At this point Jim interrupted. "I don't know anything about a bike ride," he said with a confused look on his face.
"As I told Mother I committed to riding in the California AIDS ride this year, Daddy. It begins on June 6th and ends on the 12th."
"Where are you riding to, New York?" he asked in surprise.
"No, silly, it's from San Francisco to Los Angeles. This year almost 3000 people are going to participate," she explained.
Catherine interrupted, "Jim, have you ever heard of anything more dangerous or fool hearty? You know what Highway 1 is like. I'm afraid she'll be killed!"
Jim regarded his daughter for a long while. He cast a glance at Jack who seemed to be studying the pattern of the Oriental rug. "Is this something you are preparing for properly, Jamie?" he asked slowly.
"Yes, Daddy. I bought the right kind of bike, I've been working out in a gym with a trainer and I'm riding about 100 miles a week now," she stated confidently.
"What do you think of this, Jack?" he asked.
"Jamie makes her own decisions, Jim," he said without much enthusiasm.
"Catherine, I think that Jamie is old enough now that she can make her own decisions in matters such as these. I trust her judgment and this seems like a good character building experience." He smiled at his now grinning daughter, "How does this benefit people with AIDS?"
"Every rider pledges to raise at least $2500. The money I raise will go to the San Francisco AIDS Foundation. People who live in Southern California donate their pledges to the Los Angeles Gay and Lesbian Community Center. Both of those groups give direct care to people living with AIDS," she said knowledgeably.
"Catherine, I think you should allow Jamie to decide if she wants to go to Europe with you this summer. If she chooses not to go, perhaps she can turn that ticket in and donate the money to her ride," he said with twinkling eyes.
Jamie jumped off her chair and trotted over to her father. She wrapped her arms around his neck and whispered into his ear, "I knew you would understand. Thank you, Daddy."
As she pulled back he laid his hand on her cheek and smiled up at her with admiration. "I'm proud of you, Cupcake," he said as he used a favorite childhood nickname. He turned to Jack and beamed, "This one has a ton of determination, doesn't she Jack?"
"Yes, Sir, she certainly does," he replied somewhat stiffly.
Catherine finally relented and agreed that Jamie could use the ticket however she chose. She was firm in her resolve to worry as much as she wanted, however. "I still think of you as my little girl, Jamie. I'm having a hard time letting go, I guess."
Jamie walked over to her mother and kissed her cheek. "I don't want you to let me go completely," she smiled. "Just let me make my own decisions."
"It is so hard for me to believe that you'll be married in a little over a year. But I suppose you can decide to ride a bike if you can decide to get married," Catherine laughed.
Jack had been nearly silent during this whole interchange. He finally spoke up to tell Jamie that he had a present for her back at his apartment. She found that a bit odd, but happily nodded her assent.
At around 10 o'clock the young couple was on their way back to Palo Alto. Jack was silent on the ride home. Jamie noticed that he looked very tired and that his movements were not as smooth and graceful as usual.
When they arrived at the apartment Jamie was surprised that Jack did not immediately change into his sleepwear. He sat down on the couch and looked at her with a blank expression on his face. She was very uncomfortable with his attitude and she sat next to him on the couch as she took his limp hand in hers. "Honey, are you all right?" she asked hesitantly.
In a flat voice, he responded "Don't you want your gift?"
"Um, sure, if you want to give it to me," she said unsteadily as her heart started to pound strongly in her chest.
"I'm giving you what you most want, Jamie. I'm giving you your freedom," he said as he stared at her with emotionless blue eyes.
"H...h...how are you giving me freedom," she replied, already knowing the answer.
"I'm giving you the freedom to live your life exactly as you wish. You no longer have to answer to me. You no longer have to be concerned with my feelings. You are officially a free woman, Jamie. Congratulations."
"Jack, please don't do this," she begged on a quavering voice. "It doesn't have to be like this, sweetheart."
"Yes it does, Jamie. I just don't feel the way I used to feel about you. You've become a different person." He slowly looked at her right in her sea green eyes as he delivered the knock out punch, enunciating clearly. "I don't like that person."
Jamie rose on shaking legs to stare at him as she backed away from the couch. "Is there anything I can do to make you change your mind?" she finally choked out.
"No, Jamie. I realized last night when we had sex that I'm just not in love with you any more," he said, rather flatly.
She could feel her ire rise as her eye narrowed dangerously. "Did you realize that before, during or after we had sex, Jack?" she spat out in anger.
"During," he said through gritted teeth. "I tried to connect with you, Jamie. But as usual you looked like you would just as soon have been riding your bike as making love."
Jamie used every bit of control that she had left in her shaking body to refrain from hurling an insult back at him. She knew from the look in his eyes that his love for her was gone. She fel
t her control start to take over as she slowly, sadly, and thoughtfully removed his grandmothers' engagement ring from her left hand and handed it to him. "You're right, Jack" she said slowly, "You do deserve someone who can please you. I'm just sorry that it couldn't be me." With that she turned and went to the bedroom to pack her bag.
When she returned to the living room he was sitting right where she had left him with silent tears running down his cheeks. His eyes stared at the floor, unfocused. She stood by the couch and looked down on his face, as she touched his cheek with her palm. After a moment she leaned over and kissed him one last time, whispering as she rose, "I'm sorry, Jack. I'm truly sorry."
She didn't want to do it, she really didn't. But she just had no other option. It was nearly midnight but it was Saturday night and there was a good chance that she was still out. But she just had to call her. She dialed the pager number from memory.
Minutes later the smooth deep voice came through the little phone, "What's wrong?" more of a statement than a question.
"Are you busy right now?" was the hesitant reply.
"No, I'm just trying to get to sleep after a very frustrating evening with Tracy," Ryan replied.
"Did you have a fight?" was Jamie's concerned response.
"Not that kind of frustrating," Ryan's voice rumbled out a full octave lower.
"Oh, I'm sorry. I... I... I didn't mean to disturb you," Jamie muttered.
"Jamie, I'm teasing you. Now please tell me what's wrong," she said, the concern evident in her voice.
"Jack just... broke up with me," she sobbed in reply.
"Oh God, Jamie, I'm so sorry to hear that," she soothed. "Where are you?"
"I'm in Palo Alto, sitting in my car," she sobbed.
"Jamie, it's not a good idea to drive when you're upset. I can come get you wherever you are."
"No, I can drive," she said as she continued to sob. "It just hurts so much," she wailed as she had to pull over to the curb. She was overcome by wracking, deep sobs that felt like they were being pulled from her body. She continued to cry without a pause for several minutes. Ryan was very concerned since she didn't really know where she was. She couldn't hear much background noise so she was obviously not on the freeway, but she really wanted to go get her.
"Jamie, Jamie," she said loudly. "Where are you?"
"I'm just about to get on the freeway," she said weakly.
"I'm going to come get you," Ryan said firmly. "I don't want you to drive in this condition."
"I'll be okay. I don't want to just sit here and wait for you."
"Could you go to your parents?"
"No, that's the last place I want to be tonight. I just want to go home," she said as the sobs began again.
"Please let me come get you," Ryan begged. "I'll be crazy with worry if you drive home."
"How about if I drive but stay on the phone. Would you feel better then?"
"Call me back in 5 minutes. I want to get dressed in case you can't make it," she said as she switched off. Damn him, damn him to hell! He breaks up with her at midnight and then lets her get into her car and drive all the way home!
Ryan was sitting on the front stairs of her house in navy blue sweats and a long sleeved red t-shirt when Jamie pulled up 30 minutes later. She was exhausted emotionally from trying to keep her friend focused on the long drive, and her constant pacing made her feel like she had made the trip by foot. She approached the car as Jamie killed the engine and squatted down by the driver's door as she opened it. "You can stay here tonight or I'll drive you home. I want you to think about where you'd feel more comfortable," she said soothingly.
"Can I stay here with you?" she uttered through her tears.
"Absolutely," Ryan replied firmly. "For as long as you like." She stood and offered her hand to Jamie. When her friend was firmly on her feet Ryan slipped her arms around her and hugged her close. They stood like that on the street for many long minutes. Finally, Ryan pulled back and guided the distraught woman up the stairs.
Ryan was the only one home. She led Jamie into the kitchen to make her one of her famous hot cocoa drinks. As the milk was heating up Ryan asked her if she had any other clothes. Jamie nodded silently and started toward the door to get her bag. Ryan pulled her back onto a stool and instructed her to watch the milk. She trotted out to the car to retrieve the small suitcase and was back in the house before the milk began to boil.
Jamie went downstairs to change into her pajamas while Ryan finished the drinks. She carried two big mugs with her as she settled herself on the bed. Minutes later Jamie emerged from the bathroom still in her dress, crying inconsolably. "I only have one of Jack's tshirts," she held up the light blue garment. "I can't bear to smell him," she sobbed violently as she bent over, wrapping her arms around her stomach.
Ryan had learned this early warning signal and she jumped up to steady her friend. "Are you going to be sick?" she asked soothingly.
A silent bobbing head was her answer. She came up behind Jamie and quickly unzipped her dress. She slid it down her slim body and helped her step out of it. Then guided her over to the toilet and supported her as she fell to her knees and began to retch violently. Ryan knelt down right next to her, with reassuring hands around her heaving waist. When all of the contents of her stomach had been expelled Jamie was stark white and sweating. Ryan dropped the lid and maneuvered her so she was sitting on the seat. She grabbed a washcloth and ran cold water over it for a moment then squatted down in front of Jamie and began to wipe her face and neck with the cool cloth. When she was fairly certain that the nausea had subsided she guided her over to the bed and sat her down.
She dashed over to her dresser and pulled out a long sleeved white t-shirt. Dashing back to the bed she slipped the gathered garment over her head. She reached behind her back and unhooked her bra, slipping the delicate lace off her shoulders and in nearly a single move managed to slide her limp arms into the long sleeves and pulled the hem down.
Jamie looked a bit better now. Her color was returning and Ryan was relieved at the thought that she would probably not pass out. Ryan pulled her up onto the bed and placed a few pillows behind her head. She debated whether to offer her the cocoa at this point. She had slipped a healthy shot of Bailey's into the drink and she was concerned that the alcohol would further irritate her delicate stomach. Nonetheless, she held up the mug in front of Jamie's eyes. "What do you think?" she inquired.
Jamie reached for the still steaming mug and swallowed a mouthful. "I think it'll be okay," she said as she savored the steaming concoction. They sat in companionable silence as they sipped their drinks. Ryan did not want to rush her, so she allowed her friend to go at her own pace. After a good half-hour of reflective silence Jamie was ready.
"You know, I'm mostly sad, but there is a small part of me that is so angry at him that I can hardly see straight. I think that's the part that is making my stomach hurt," she pondered.
"Why are you angry?" Ryan inquired.
"I think he said something just to hurt me," she replied sadly. "I've never known him to do that and it just made me question what kind of a man he is."
"Do you want to tell me about it?" Ryan asked gently.
"Yeah, I guess so," she replied. "He told me that he realized that he didn't love me anymore while we were having sex on Friday night," she blushed deeply at revealing this intimacy. "I asked him at what point did he arrive at this conclusion, before, during or after sex." She sighed deeply, "He said during!" she gasped out as she began to cry again.
Ryan wrapped her arms around her friend and began to rock her gently. After long minutes she was able to continue. "It just made me feel so violated!" she cried. "I thought we were making love while he was planning on breaking up with me." She heaved a few more deep sighs, "Could you continue having sex if you had that realization, Ryan?"
Fuck no! she wanted to scream. I would never have sex just to satisfy myself! But instead she soothed, "I don't know that I can answer that Jamie. Excep
t for Sara I've never had sex with someone I love. It's impossible for me to be able to put myself in his place. But I can empathize with how that made you feel," she said sincerely as she continued to rock her softly. "I'm certainly not on Jack's side here, but there is a chance that he was just lashing out at you for hurting him. You might feel better if you don't try to understand his motivations, and just let yourself feel the hurt," she said tenderly.
Jamie nodded her agreement as she tried to let go of her anger. But she quickly realized that the anger was helping her stay afloat. As she felt it ebb she was overcome with sadness. She rested her head on Ryan's chest and let herself reflect on the 3 years they had together. Images of Jack flooded her mind; his smile, the way he cocked his head when he was interested in something, his quick mind, his long lean body, the way he smiled at her in pleasure after she climaxed. There were so many sweet and loving things he had done for her it became impossible to focus on this one betrayal. But the sorrow was so overpowering that she felt too weak to bear it. Only Ryan's strong arms and powerful body kept her grounded.
It was nearly 2 a.m. when she began to feel a little more in control. For the past 10 minutes or so Ryan had been softly humming into her ear. The melody was gentle and smooth as the vibrations rumbled through her body. Finally she asked, "What are you humming?"
Ryan paused for so long that Jamie was unsure if she was going to answer. "A song that my mother used to sing to me," she finally said, in just above a whisper.
"And you remember it after so long?" Jamie inquired gently.
"Yeah, it's the only one I really remember," she sadly admitted. "She sang it as a lullaby. I'm sure I heard it hundreds of times." After a very long pause she finally asked, "Would you like me to sing it for you? It always worked to make me feel better."
"I would love it," Jamie replied simply. "I've never had anyone sing me to sleep," she admitted shyly.
"Then we're even because I've never sung this for anyone," she revealed.
Ryan pulled down the covers and got Jamie all snuggled in. She slipped off her own sweats and nestled close. She fluffed the pillows and had her friend adjust them to her taste. When she was in her favorite sleep position lying on her left side Ryan snuggled up against her back as she wrapped an arm around her and began to sing the tune.
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