She heard herself say goodbye to Tracy and she knew that she was now alone with Ryan. She wasn't sure who moved first but in seconds she was wrapped in Ryan's arms, holding on tight. But this hug felt different from all the other hugs she had received from her friend. She allowed herself to really feel Ryan this time. She inhaled deeply to imprint her scent; she felt her warm breath tickle the side of her face. She focused on the soft firmness of her breasts as they pressed against her chest. This is what I want! I want this woman!
The rest of the day passed in a fog. She knew they had all eaten dinner together. She knew they spent the evening in Ryan's room, studying. Rather, Ryan studied as she tried to force herself to look at her books, instead of daydreaming about the beautiful creature sitting mere feet from her, clad only in her underwear.
As the evening wore on Jamie watched Ryan repeatedly shove her dark hair behind her ears in an irritated gesture. Since her entire focus was on her lovely friend she automatically found herself standing behind her and gently pulling the dark tresses back into a ponytail. But the silky hair felt so fabulous in her hands that she unconsciously began to run her fingers through it, starting at the scalp and extending all along the length. A deeply contented murmur of satisfaction greeted her ministrations, which only served to encourage her. She continued her stroking until Ryan sleepily mumbled, "Two more minutes and I'm out."
Her eyes flew open as she stared down at her hands in amazement. She was fully conscious but she had no memory of getting off the bed and beginning to rub her friend's beautiful head. She stood there with her fingers entwined in the dark hair, not able to reply in any fashion. Slowly, Ryan turned her head and Jamie felt the silky threads fall gently from her hands, one lock at a time. Ryan gave her a gentle smile and asked, "Are you having a tough time concentrating tonight?"
Jamie tried to control the blush that was rapidly traveling up her neck. "Yeah, I guess I am. I've just had so much on my mind that it's really hard to focus."
"Is there a lot you need to do for class?" she inquired.
"No, I'm actually pretty caught up. I studied a lot on Friday night, so I'm just trying to stay ahead."
"Why don't we go for a walk? I'm about to go cross-eyed from looking at these chem problems. If you feel up to it we could walk over to the Castro and get some ice cream."
"How far is that?" Jamie asked suspiciously, knowing that Ryan's athletic capacity far exceeded hers.
"It's about a 20 minute walk, at a leisurely pace, " she replied. "I guarantee it's not too far for you."
They got their shoes and sweatshirts on and stepped out into the foggy, damp evening. There was not another person in sight and the streets were likewise deserted. The fog seemed to muffle every sound from the neighborhood and Jamie felt like they were all alone even though they were in the middle of a very large city. Ryan slipped her arm around her shoulders and said, "I'm so sorry that things are hard for you right now, Jamie."
Jamie just smiled up at her friend, happy for the closeness. She reached up with her right hand and held onto Ryan's dangling hand, pressing it into her shoulder. They walked for another few minutes before Jamie asked, "You seem to get along with Tracy really well. How do you think it's going?"
Ryan's eyebrows gathered in concentration. After a moment she cocked her head slightly and said, "I'm not sure, to tell you the truth. I thought a long walk might actually clear my mind enough to let me consider how it's going." She pursed her lips together and allowed her forehead to crease into a little frown. "I'm not up for talking about her right now though. Let's talk about you."
"Ugh," she grunted in obvious disgust. "I thought a walk might take my mind off my stuff." Looking up at Ryan she quirked her mouth into a grin and observed, "So both of us have things on our minds that are obviously bothering us but neither wants to talk about it. That's a switch."
"Yeah, I guess it is," she agreed with a little nod, not rising to the bait.
"Well, let's talk about where we're going," Jamie suggested. "I've never been to the Castro you know."
Ryan stopped short and stared at her. "You haven't?! I thought they brought bus loads of straight children up here to observe the natives in their habitat!"
Jamie laughed at her exaggerated antics. "Nope. I missed this on the cultural tour. I guess I just never had a reason to come here. There's no museum, gallery, symphony, or outstanding restaurant here is there?"
"Nope. Although I think 'Hot 'n Hunky Hamburgers' is worth a trip."
"Riiiight," she agreed. "Sounds just like my mother's kind of place. No, for living so close to The City we didn't come up for anything other than restaurants, sporting events, or culture. We actually didn't do a lot of investigating the Bay Area. I've spent much more time sniffing around Tuscany than I have San Francisco."
"Well, stick with me, Pal, and I'll introduce you to every dark alley in this town."
"Did your family do a lot of things together in The City?"
"No, not really," she admitted. "Because there's 6 years between Brendan and I he was involved in sports and school things by the time I was old enough to go out in civilized society. So it was hard to do things that appealed to all of us. We stuck pretty close to home as a family. Our lives centered around our extended family, our parish and our sports teams."
"Then how do you know so much about the back alleys?" she teased.
"Cause as soon as I was old enough to ride my skateboard over these hills I was gone," she said with satisfaction. "I still remember the first time I had the guts...or the stupidity to ride down Castro."
Through the fog Jamie saw the steep terrain that they had to descend to reach the main business area of said Castro Street. "You...you rode down this!?"
"Yep. I strapped my little helmet on as tight as I could and let 'er rip! My heart was in my throat the whole time and my legs were shaking so bad I almost fell off but I did it. When I got to the bottom I actually spent a minute feeling my body to make sure I was still in one piece. I was tingling so much that I couldn't really tell!"
"So once you crossed 'The Rubicon' there was no stopping you, huh?"
"Nope," she said happily. "I had some buddies from the neighborhood, boys of course, who had to do it since I could. Once we all had our 'wings' we just started ranging farther and farther from home. We had passes that let us take MUNI for free so we'd go over to Castro and Market and just jump on the first train. We'd ride until we got tired of it and get off and ride around until we got bored. Then we'd get back on and head home."
"My God!" she cried. "I had to get advance permission to go to a friend's house, and she lived 3 doors down!"
"Well, Da didn't know a tenth of what I did, and it's better that way. But I remember the first time I got pinched for trespassing down in the Embarcadero."
"The Embarcadero! That's miles and miles from here. How old were you?"
"Probably 10 or so," she mused. "Anyway, we were skateboarding down some really cool handicapped ramps some of the big buildings have. The big clothes trend had just barely started and we were all dressed up in our big skateboarding pants and those huge parkas. It was winter and really cold so I had on a stocking cap too. Da would not buy me the big pants of course, so I would swipe Connor's pants when Da was at work and roll them up so I didn't break my neck. Anyway, the pants were too big, even for my purposes and they started to fall down just when the guards started running. My buddies blew out of there but I caught the rolled up hem in a wheel and took a header. One of the guards caught me and started treating me pretty rough, just to teach me a lesson.
"Did he hit you?" she asked in horror.
"No, he was just dragging me by my coat and screaming at me. Anyway, he drags me in the security office and they start to give me the 3rd degree. But I clam up and refuse to talk. I figure they'll let me go cause I'm just a little girl, right?"
"Wrong?" she asked tentatively.
"Wrong indeed! They searched me and found my MUNI pass. It was in my name but t
hey still hadn't figured out I was a girl yet and the pass didn't help! I had to sit in that office with these goons threatening me for hours! They left a message on the machine at home since the number was on my pass and Da finally called at around 6 o'clock. Listening to their end of the conversation was pretty funny," she recalled. "I heard them say, 'Mr. O'Flaherty, we have your son down at #3 Embarcadero. He was caught illegally skateboarding and we're holding him prior to sending him to the Youth Authority.' "
Jamie was horrified at the rough treatment that her friend had been subjected to. "Weren't you terrified?" she cried.
"Not of them or the Youth Authority," she admitted. "Actually the Youth Authority sounded pretty good compared to facing my father. The guy on the phone started insisting that I was Da's son and I could just imagine him telling the boys to line up and count off," she laughed. But then the guard's eyes got big and he turned to me and yanked off my stocking cap. He about croaked when he saw that I was a little girl. They got real nice to me after that...brought me a soda and some cookies. That really pissed me off," she grumbled.
"What? It pissed you off that he was nice to you?"
"Yeah, since it was only because I was a girl. If he was going to be a jerk cause I was a boy he should have been a jerk when I turned out to be a girl!"
"You're something else, Ryan," she laughed. "So then what happened?"
"Oh, I had to sit there until Da came to get me."
"Was he mad?"
"He was more mad about the parking fee than anything else," she laughed. "But I had to pay him back for that out of my allowance. Since I only got $2 a week it took me a month!"
"Was that your only punishment?" she asked, not imagining that Martin would ever hit a child.
"Yeah, plus a very long lecture that I really deserved about using a handicapped ramp for play. We learned our lesson that day though," she admitted. "From then on we always kept one kid near the ramp to warn us if a real handicapped person was coming!"
"You are incorrigible, Ryan O'Flaherty."
"Yeah, well hanging out on my skateboard was nothing compared to the trouble I got into down here," she smirked as they entered the business district of Castro St.
"It looks so... ordinary," she remarked as she looked around.
"You expected what? Dungeons, transvestites in every window?"
"No... I don't know what I expected but it hardly looks gay at all," she mused as she turned in a complete circle.
"Yeah, it's pretty hard to tell," Ryan dryly remarked as they stopped in front of a small house wares store. "Do you like those towel bars?"
Jamie squinted at the very small towel racks that were displayed right near the front window. The bars were actually cast concrete replicas of massively engorged penises, all extra large. The towels were embroidered as usual for guest towels. One read 'Cum Towel', and other 'Trick Towel', and a pair that hung together read 'His and His'. She stood in slack jawed shock, finally turning to her grinning friend as she muttered, "I don't know what a trick towel is and I don't think I want to!" as she turned and continued to march down the street.
Another little video store had a display up celebrating the upcoming Academy Awards. Cute little Oscar replicas lined the display window but each Oscar was sporting a massive gold erection. Jamie gazed up at her smirking friend and asked, "Is the other side of the street all vaginas?"
"No," Ryan laughed. "It's pretty much all about the penis in the Castro."
Now Jamie's sense of equality was insulted. "That hardly seems fair," she demanded with hands on her hips. "Lesbians need love too!"
"I couldn't agree more," Ryan soothed as she wrapped her arm around her feisty friend to continue their walk.
When they reached the 'Double Rainbow' Ryan insisted that Jamie get two scoops of the double chocolate flavor. Because it was a little cold out they ate in the small shop. Ryan had ordered a hot fudge sundae and Jamie watched her eat with obvious pleasure.
"Are you sure you like kissing better than eating?" she teased.
"I'm positive," she replied with a little eyebrow wiggle.
"Then you must really like kissing," she said slowly.
"You have no idea," she intoned solemnly as she slowly shook her head.
Oh God, but I want to know. I really want to know!
Back on the street they decided to return via the opposite side just in case there were hidden vaginas that Ryan hadn't previously noticed. "It really seems unfair to me Ryan," Jamie insisted as they confirmed that the street was clearly focused on gay men and their equipment. "I mean, the Castro is supposed to be this big gay Mecca and it's all about men. I mean lesbians are the least interested group in the world when it comes to penises."
"Well," Ryan drawled, "one's with feeling in them at least."
"Huh?" she asked as she turned to face her friend, cocking her head slightly as she did so.
"Sorry," Ryan said quickly. "I was just making a joke. I was merely referring to lesbians interest in non-human penises."
Jamie gazed down at the ground for a moment and Ryan thought she had offended her by the little joke. But she was obviously considering the matter because she finally looked up and said, "Is that really a 'thing'? I mean, I thought that was a bad joke that guys always make."
Ryan's color rose dramatically as she pursed her lips and tried to decide how much to reveal. "Um... well, it's kind of a... do you really... um... should I give you my personal response or do you want a lesbian-wide answer," she finally got out.
Jamie immediately grasped her arm as she assured her, "I'm sorry, Ryan, I don't mean to make you uncomfortable. I've just heard snide little comments about lesbians and their fake penises for years. I guess I want to know if there's any truth to it."
"Well, you did see the assortment at 'Good Vibrations', " she reminded her.
"Yeah, but I thought the vibrators would be the lesbian thing. I kinda thought the penises were for gay men."
"Um... well... I guess it depends on the um... person..." she stammered.
"You don't have to answer, Ryan," she assured her. "I just... I guess I'm surprised this bothers you since nothing else has seemed to."
Ryan considered this as they started to walk again. "Hmmm, you are right about that," she mused. "Maybe it's because I know you a lot better now. I don't know, Jamie," she said slowly. "Maybe I don't want you to think badly of me... you're opinion has come to mean an awful lot to me," she admitted shyly.
"Ryan," she said emphatically, "why would something like this change my opinion of you?"
"I don't know," she mumbled, looking oddly adolescent. "You've been so conservative with your sexual expression, I guess I worry that you'll think my experiences make me kinda... I don't know... um, maybe slutty?" she gazed down at Jamie through the long bangs that had fallen into her eyes, adding to her adolescent demeanor.
"Ryan!" she nearly shouted. "You are a totally honorable woman! I would never think any such thing about you! But I also have no desire to make you uncomfortable. Let's just drop the whole topic, okay?" she asked gently.
"'Kay," she agreed, happy that Jamie respected her privacy. She slung her arm around her friend's shoulders and asked, "Um...I would like to talk about Tracy a little. Are up to hearing about it?"
"Yes, definitely," she said sincerely as she turned slightly and Ryan's arm dropped from her shoulder. But she was not ready to relinquish the contact so she reached over and grasped Ryan's hand. She threaded their fingers together as they walked along, hand in hand, as Ryan gathered her thoughts.
"Okay," she finally began. "I've told you that I don't want to be sexual with her until I'm sure that there will be some permanence there." She looked to Jamie for acknowledgment.
When she got it she continued, "When we first discussed this she was very much in support of that." Here she looked a bit sheepish, "But she seems to have changed the rules on me and I'm not sure what to do."
"What do you mean, 'Changed the rules'?" Jamie inquired, hav
ing a pretty good idea about this change given Tracy's behavior earlier in the day.
"Well, last night she really pushed me, and I nearly gave in. But I didn't," she said proudly. "But if I'm gonna stay focused I need to stop going to her apartment. God! She put on this little camisole and a thin silk robe when we got back from dinner. In no time at all my hands were inside that robe and she felt better than naked in just that thin, soft silk." They had been making steady progress on their walk but this thought made Ryan stand stock still for several moments. She looked positively transported by her memories and Jamie actually had to give her hand a squeeze to bring her back. "Wow!" she blushed. "I'm sorry for zoning out like that. It's just..." she mumbled as she shook her head.
"I know," Jamie said gently. "She's obviously decided that she's ready to sleep with you, Ryan. Women don't put on clothes like that just to stay cool."
"Right," Ryan nodded. Then as if she had just heard her statement she looked at her and laughed as she gently shook her head. "Well last night was bad enough, but today, I went downstairs to change. I thought she would stay upstairs, but I had my pants half off when she came down and literally threw herself at me. I had to actually fight her off!" she said with a bewildered expression. "It's hard enough to hold my own lust in check. There's no way I can keep a handle on hers at the same time!" she said rather helplessly.
"Do you want to be with her... like that?" Jamie inquired.
"Yes... yes... God, yes!" she stated with conviction. "I want her so much my teeth ache," she moaned. "I've never in my life turned down sex from someone that I wanted like this Jamie."
"So.... what's the problem? She wants you, you want her...."
Awakenings - SF1 Page 56