"Don't be a glutton," she chided with a toss of her head. She went into the bath and got ready for bed, stopping to stare at herself in the mirror for a moment. I want this, she said firmly to her suspicious conscience.
When Jack had finished brushing his teeth she was lying on the bed with the covers pushed back. He slid in next to her and started to kiss and touch her again. It didn't take long to yank her right back up to her previous heights of arousal and a few minutes later she whispered, "I'm ready for you, Jack."
But instead of entering her immediately he started to lightly touch her vulva just as he had at her house on Wednesday. This surprised her but it felt divine so she did not complain. Automatically her hand went to his groin and she began to touch him in a similar fashion. They began to kiss again as their hands worked away and the dual sensations caused her to be swept away to a delightful orgasm rather quickly. He followed close behind, uttering soft little moans of pleasure as he climaxed.
They rested for a brief time and she finally broke the silence when she murmured, "We didn't get to use a condom."
"No big deal," he assured her. "I had a great time."
"That was exactly what I have wanted sex to be like," she murmured slowly as she sank into a peaceful, satisfied sleep.
He woke up on Saturday ready to go again but he very happily settled for a little manual assistance. Jamie got all of the cuddling she wanted so they both started the day in an ebullient mood. They both had studying to do so they spent the better part of the day in front of their respective books. But at around 6 he suggested they take a walk and have dinner in the neighborhood. When they returned at 9 she was beat and she found that she had no interest in sex. He accepted her choice without complaint, cuddling against her after a few chaste kisses.
Sunday was another day of surprises. "How about brunch?" he asked with a sunny smile as she woke from a nice dream.
"Brunch?"
"Sure. We can go somewhere in the neighborhood, or we could go to the club if you want to go with your parents."
"Hmm, I'd rather be with just you," she said, not mentioning that she didn't want her parents to know of the reconciliation attempt quite yet.
"Great, you pick the place and we're there."
They had a great time together and he even let her pick up the check, smiling sedately as she whipped out her American Express card.
Heading back to his apartment they each spent a few hours reading. She had already decided that she needed to be home early to work on a paper on her computer. At around 3 she looked up to see him eyeing her hungrily. He's been such a darling, she thought to herself. Come on and make the first move. She didn't say a word as she got up from the sofa. Rather, she extended her hand and led him into the bedroom. He smiled shyly at her as she started to undress him, but he happily allowed her to continue. After he had returned the favor he picked her up and carried her the short distance to the bed.
The next 15 minutes were spent driving her absolutely wild. He placed her on her stomach and started at her heels, slowly kissing and licking and sucking every bit of skin that he could reach. She just hummed with pleasure, murmuring small words of encouragement. He rolled her over onto her back and started at the bottom again. Unable to hold back her question any longer she lifted up onto an arm and said, "Where did you learn all of this?"
He chuckled deep in his chest and released her foot from his grasp. "I...um...read some books," he said with an adorable blush that covered him from his chest to his hairline.
"You read books?" she asked in amazement.
"Yeah, that's how I learn everything else," he explained. "Why not this?"
She flopped back down on the bed and spread her arms out in surrender. "Those were some very, very good books," she murmured compliantly as he continued his quest.
He moved up her body an inch at a time, smiling at her encouraging entreaties, but not moving any faster than his current torturous pace. When he reached her breasts he worshiped them for long minutes, ignoring Jamie's small, soft moans and her invitingly spread legs.
She felt more turned on than she had ever been before, finally feeling safe to abandon some of her inhibitions and show him just exactly how she felt. He seemed to be enjoying himself just as much as she was which increased her arousal even more. But try as she might she began to grow tense as he tentatively moved between her legs and gingerly spread her lips apart. She could actually feel her heart thumping in her chest and she tried to breathe deeply to relax. But a quick glance down showed a look on Jack's face that mirrored that of an anxious father trying to assemble an intricate bike on Christmas Eve. His brow was furrowed and he looked very hesitant but he took a deep breath and moved forward.
"Oh my God!!" she cried aloud when his soft, smooth tongue glided across her aching flesh. Her legs spread even further open in an unconsciously automatic gesture. His forehead was still knotted in concentration but he began to move his head slowly, like a cat lapping milk from a saucer. How can anything that feels this good make me this anxious? she asked herself in recrimination. But she was anxious, very anxious in fact, and her anxiety was compounded by the fact that she knew this was a seminal event in their sexual relationship. She desperately wanted to be able to enjoy oral sex if she was going to be with Jack for the next 50 or 60 years but she knew that he would not have the confidence to try again if she was not receptive. But he just looked so tense and rigid lying between her legs that she fought with the instinct to just tap him on the shoulder and pull him up.
You have to concentrate on the feeling! she reminded herself over and over. The feeling is fabulous! Don't look at his face, that's throwing you off! She closed her eyes tightly and tried to concentrate fully on the sensations flooding her body but it was rough going. She realized that the only way to enjoy this experience was to shut off her conscious mind, something that she found difficult to do in the best of situations. But this act required an openness that she was not sure she possessed. She desperately tried to force herself to think of calming thoughts and experiences but something kept creeping into the corners of her mind.
Her unconscious mind knew the truth, though, and it kept reminding her that the most relaxed she ever felt was when she was with a certain dark haired beauty. She tried to keep those images out of her head but eventually she grew tired of fighting and just succumbed. Jack's rigid body was immediately replaced in her mind's eye by the long, smooth body with the soft sensual curves. His tense face gave way to the dark flowing hair, so silky and smooth as it trailed over her sensitive thighs. The dark head lifted just a touch, and those clear blue eyes, so confident and experienced, twinkled up at her as one brow lifted rakishly. The crystal blue eyes stayed locked on her own as that soft pink tongue dipped down to take another taste. A look of indescribable pleasure settled onto her beautiful features and her eyelids fluttered heavily as she dropped her head to lustily consume the tortured flesh. Suddenly, nothing existed except those few precious inches of real estate. Every sensation in her body went to and came from her vulva. Before she was even conscious of her actions she grabbed a handful of sandy blonde hair and thrust herself hard against his face, moaning deeply as her orgasm permeated every nerve and muscle in her body.
She was vaguely aware of Jack making some annoying motions as she tried to gather her composure but before she could even open her eyes his rock hard penis was poised at her lips, demanding entrance. She remembered Ryan's advice about being on top but she was too enervated to breathe, let alone manipulate him onto his back. Making the best of the situation she opened her mouth and took his latex covered member into her mouth. She fought hard to keep him shallow and after a few moments she adjusted to the odd sensation and began to actually try to think of ways to enhance his enjoyment rather than just lie there and let him control the movement. She found that the condom made the experience much more enjoyable for her since she would not have to deal with his climax. Her receptivity and his intense arousal combined to send hi
m over the edge just a few minutes after he entered her mouth. It was strangely thrilling to feel him jerk and pulse inside her mouth, but the condom gave her a confidence that she would not have expected. His softening member remained within her and she delicately withdrew it as she gave it one last kiss. God, another minute or two and I would have come again, she mused from her satiated fog. She knew something was bothering her but she was too exhausted to think of it, instead just wrapping her arms around Jack's heavy body and drifting off into a dreamless sleep.
Soft lips nuzzled her neck and she shifted slightly to increase the sensation. Oh God, Ryan, you are so good, she mused from her sensual haze. She turned to kiss those rose tinted lips but as she turned and met Jack's twinkling eyes she nearly screamed in shock.
"What's wrong, Honey?" he asked quickly upon seeing her jerk.
"Oh, nothing, nothing," she insisted. "I was just dreaming...I must not have been fully awake." She shook her head roughly, trying to focus on who she was, where she was, and why she was in bed with Jack, since Ryan had just made love to her.
Oh shit, not this again, she moaned to herself as she became fully conscious. Why did I have to use her again? Jesus! He's doing everything I ever wanted him to do! Get out of my god damned bed, Ryan! But even though her emotions blamed Ryan she knew in her soul that it was not her fault. She couldn't help that she was gorgeous and sexy and alluring and so smooth and warm and soft when Jamie was wrapped in her strong arms. STOP IT! Just stop it right now! she ordered her mind. You're in bed with Jack and he's being the sweetest man on earth! Concentrate, damn it!
"Are you really okay, Jamie?" he asked rather tentatively, trying to connect with her far away look.
"Yeah, yeah, I'm fine," she said as she tried to shake the image of that beautiful face from her brain. She smiled up at Jack and said shyly, "I think you sent me into another world with that orgasm."
He smiled down at her, beaming proudly at his accomplishments. "Should I send in a reader's review to Amazon.com on the books I bought?"
"Definitely," she said with a matching smile. While you're on there see if you can find me something on self-hypnosis, will ya?
She had to head home and work on that paper. Yep, definitely time to get to work. But even though the shortest way to Berkeley from Palo Alto was straight up she found her little Porsche heading north on the 101 winding up in the Noe Valley. Her fingers automatically dialed the pager, waiting patiently for her friend to return the call. As usual it took mere minutes. "Hi," she said in a reasonable facsimile of her normal tone.
"Finished with dinner?" Jamie asked.
"Yep. I just finished being me and Brendan," she said with a chuckle, referring to their clean-up regimen.
"Any plans for tonight?" she asked as lightly as possible.
"I was going to spend the evening with a few thousand pairs of chromosomes but I could easily be persuaded to put my biology homework aside. What do you have in mind?"
"How would you like me to buy you dessert?"
"Sure. When will you be here?"
"About 30 seconds? I'm in front of your house."
"Get in here, you loon!"
They decided to do the 'Double Rainbow Death March' as Jamie affectionately called it. The walk was not only long, it was terribly hilly, but it allowed her to gather her thoughts. They spoke of their respective weekends, and Ryan regaled her with a hilarious description of a frazzled ride leader who got over 50 people terribly lost in the Berkeley hills that afternoon. Ryan could clearly tell that something was bothering Jamie but she tried to keep the conversation light and let her go at her own pace. But by the time they reached the ice cream shop Ryan was out of interesting stories about her weekend with Caitlin and Duffy's latest exploits. They got their ice cream and started trudging back, the silence descending upon them until Jamie finally broke it.
"Can we talk about sex?"
"Uhh, sure," Ryan said carefully. "What do you want to talk about?"
"I want to talk about some pretty graphic stuff. Are you sure you're okay with that?"
"Hit me with your best shot," Ryan said with a confident smile.
"Well, you know I'm trying to work out some issues with Jack to see if we should get back together permanently." A nod urged her to continue. "Well, since one of our biggest problems is sex I decided to sleep with him this weekend." She wasn't sure but she thought she caught just a glimmer of pain flash across that beautiful face. But Ryan turned slightly and smiled at her, still not commenting. "Something really bothered me about it and I don't know who else to talk to."
"Go ahead," she urged. "I can take it."
"Okay," she said as she took a breath. "Um do you ever...ahh...fantasize while you're having sex?"
Ryan nodded just a tiny bit and said, "I think that's a very common thing for women to do. Some women do it once in a while, some do it every time. But I don't think it's necessarily anything that should concern you."
"You didn't really answer my question," Jamie said rather shyly.
"I didn't?"
"No. I asked if you ever fantasized."
"Oh...I guess you did, didn't you," she blushed. "Well, um...sure I have. I think everyone does some times."
"When do you do it?" she persisted.
"When? Like specifically when?" she asked lamely.
"This bothers you," Jamie said firmly. "We don't have to talk about it any more."
"No, no, it's not that it bothers me," Ryan admitted. "I'm just worried about why you want the information. I'm afraid of saying something that you'll misinterpret as the norm."
"Huh?"
"I don't want you to assume that the way I have sex is the right way, Jamie. I'm happy to tell you anything you want to know, but I just don't want you to over-interpret."
"Okay. I promise I'll view your opinion as a sample of one," she smirked.
Ryan shot her a quirky grin and finally answered her question fully. "I have fantasized in order to have an orgasm. But it's not something I do routinely. I would have to say it's a last resort."
"Last resort?"
"Yeah, if I can't come any other way I'll fantasize to get there."
"But it doesn't happen often."
"No. And it never happens with anyone I know well. I'm all about connection when I have sex. I'm really into experiencing my partner. You know...like on every plane. I love to taste and smell and feel them...just let them in as much as possible. If I'm having sex with someone I really like that feeling just gets more intense. I try to open myself up even more with people I trust to experience everything they have to give. A fantasy is something I have to use to be less connected to my partner...like if I misjudged someone."
"What do you mean by that?"
"Well, I don't know if I've mentioned this but if don't know the person I'm sleeping with I often don't let them touch me...genitally at least," she added with a smirk. "But once in a while I let someone I don't know touch me and sometimes I misjudge them and find that they don't arouse me or their technique just doesn't work for me. But rather than hurting their feelings and telling them to stop I'll just fantasize so I can have an orgasm and get out of there." Her lips quirked up in a grin as she added, "Pretty romantic, huh?"
"The first part was," Jamie said wistfully as she let out a heavy sigh.
They were back at the house by now and after a few minutes of small talk with Da they walked down to Ryan's room. Jamie sat on the loveseat and Ryan pulled her desk chair over, climbing onto it back wards and leaning forward to face her friend. "Tell me what's really going on, Jamie. It's clear that something is really bothering you."
"God, I really want to talk about it with you, Ryan, but I don't want to make you uncomfortable."
"You won't," she said sincerely. "I really can take it, Jamie."
She nodded briefly as she bit her lip in a nervous gesture. "Okay," she finally said. "We had some of the best sex we've ever had this weekend. He was like a different guy, Ryan. He was gentle and ver
y loving and he tried really hard to be experimental. And things went great! They really did," she said emphatically.
Ryan continued to gaze at her with a penetrating stare. "But..." she said softly.
"But, this afternoon bothered me...a lot," she admitted. "He tried to make love to me with his mouth and even though it felt fabulous I had a lot of trouble concentrating and staying connected to him. I mean, he was really doing a good job!" she exclaimed rather defensively.
Ryan just nodded, not saying a word.
"I had to...fantasize to have an orgasm and it really bothered me," she said as tears welled up in her eyes.
"Why did it bother you?" Ryan asked softly, her deep voice surrounding Jamie's senses like a dense fog.
"Because I had to think about ...you," she sniffed as she broke into tears. Immediately, Ryan was next to her, cradling her in her wonderfully warm and comforting embrace. She rocked her slowly, making soft 'shushing' sounds to calm her.
"I...I don't know what to do, Ryan," she sniffed. "Part of me only wants to be with you and no one else for the rest of my life. But another part knows that Jack is safe and reassuring and... and..."
"Normal," Ryan finished for her quietly.
Jamie lifted her tear streaked face and gazed at her pathetically. "Is it so wrong to want to be like everybody else?"
"No, it's not wrong, Jamie," she said softly. "But it won't work if it's not right for you."
"But how do I know, Ryan? I'm so afraid..."
"I know, Jamie. I really do know," she said with her voice full of emotion and empathy.
"I just wish there was some way that I could...you know...kind of experiment before I had to make a decision." She looked up a Ryan with the barest hint of a question in her green eyes.
"What exactly do you mean?" Ryan asked carefully as she sat up slightly.
"I don't know," she grumbled. "I mean I know what it's like with Jack but I don't know if I'd really be happy with a woman. I wish I could...you know...experiment a little before I had to jump in."
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