by Julie Tizard
“So you’re Bulldog’s new stud?” one of the guys asked her.
“Yes, I’m Casey. Just started this week. Are you his students?” she asked.
“I’m Jeff, I’m in Shatsi. This is Carlo, he’s in Beer Can, and this is Ed, he’s in Boysan. We’re all at different phases in training. Carlo graduates in two weeks. He’s got an F-15 to Kadena, Japan.”
“Congrats, Carlo. You must be glad that you’re almost done with training.”
“I’m having fun right now. All my check rides are done and Bulldog has been showing me some fighter maneuvers. You won’t believe what they can do in this jet at Fighter Lead-In Training. I can’t wait,” Carlo answered.
Casey felt a twinge of jealousy because women were not allowed to fly a fighter aircraft. She wanted to make a comment about women being discriminated against but decided to keep her thoughts to herself. “So how do you like Bulldog as an IP?”
“He’s the best,” they answered in unison. That’s quite an endorsement.
Casey rose to thank her hosts and was hoping to get a chance to talk to Kathryn. “Merrilee, thank you so much for dinner. It was all delicious. I need to get home and study, so I will say good night.”
“Casey, you are so welcome. I’m happy to have met you. You just come on over anytime you want to. You are always welcome here.” Merrilee was sincere, and her warmth gave Casey a lump in her throat.
*****
As the party started to break up, Kathryn pulled Bulldog aside. “How’s she doing so far?”
“Well, Kath, it’s still early, but so far, she’s okay. She knows her stuff, but we’ll just have to see if she can accelerate her brain to keep up with the T-38. I’ll keep you in the loop. If she starts to have problems, you’ll be the second to know. She’ll be the first to know when I kick her ass!”
“Thanks, Bulldog, I appreciate it.”
“Anything for you, darlin’. Why are you so interested in this one? I know you like to help out all the gals, but what’s up with Casey?”
“I don’t know, really. There’s just something special about her. I think she’s a natural pilot, and you know as well as I do how very rare those are.”
“That I do know, Kath. I’ll do my best with her, as always. I better go help the Boss clean up. Thanks for coming. It’s always great to see you.”
“Thanks, Bulldog, it was fabulous, as always. Good night.” Kathryn genuinely enjoyed spending time with their family. They always made her feel at home.
She walked to her car feeling conflicted about Casey. She wanted to see her, and she was as gorgeous as ever, but her attraction to Casey was so dangerous for both of them. All it took was just the suspicion of being gay to destroy your life in the Air Force. At least she’d arranged for Casey to have the best chance to succeed by getting her the best IP in the squadron. She was startled by a figure stepping out of the dark toward her. Casey.
“Kathryn, I need to talk to you.”
“Casey, you scared the crap out of me. We can’t talk here. We’ll be seen by someone. Drive over to the bleachers at the softball field. I’ll meet you over there.”
“All right, I’ll be there in five minutes.”
Kathryn was dreading this conversation with Casey. She knew what Casey was going to say, and there was no way to avoid hurting her. None of the possible outcomes was good.
Casey was sitting in the dark on the first row of the bleachers.
“Are you avoiding me, Kathryn? Why?”
“No, it’s just that we are under constant scrutiny, and you and I can’t be seen together. I’m sorry, Casey.”
Casey reached over and took Kathryn’s hand in hers. It was as warm and soft as she remembered. “I need to talk to you about what happened in Flagstaff.”
“Casey, there’s nothing to talk about. I already told you there can’t be anything between us because you are a student and I’m an IP.”
“I need to know if you feel anything for me. I understand how the Air Force works. I’ve been around for four years and I’ve had friends kicked out for being gay. I’ve seen the witch hunts and I know how to be discreet. But I felt a real connection with you when we were in Flagstaff, and I need to know if you feel anything for me, or was it just my wishful thinking. Please tell me the truth.”
Kathryn paused for a long moment. She had a choice to make. She could tell Casey that she felt nothing for her and that would be the end of it. They would go their separate ways. But that would be a lie, and for some reason she couldn’t bring herself to lie to Casey—not now, not ever.
“I felt a connection too, Casey. It’s just that we can’t do anything about it.”
Casey squeezed her hand a little tighter. “I understand that. You need to know that I’m willing to wait. I’ll wait until I’ve graduated from pilot training, then we can decide what to do. But can I see you on the weekends, away from this place?”
“No.” Kathryn’s heart hurt to say that.
She stood up to leave when Casey gently pulled her down to place a soft kiss on her lips. Kathryn tasted the salt of a tear on Casey’s lips.
Chapter Twenty-six
T-38 training seemed to go as fast as this jet did. Casey progressed rapidly through her simulator rides and was scheduled for her first flight. She was getting used to Bulldog’s instructional style and could generally understand his Southern accent. She put on her tight G-suit for the first time and was giddy with excitement.
She walked across the ramp with Bulldog toward their jet and she didn’t even try to hide her big grin. This was where she had wanted to be her whole life. The T-38 was much bigger than a Tweet and higher off the ground. She had to climb a ladder to get into the cockpit.
Bulldog climbed into the backseat and checked in with her over the flight intercom. “Pull those lap belt and shoulder harness straps as tight as you can because we’re going to pull some serious Gs today, missy. Make sure you connect up your G-suit hose.”
“Yes, sir, got it,” Casey answered.
She quickly went through her preflight checks and gave the engine start hand signal to the crew chief. These engines sounded different from the high-pitched whine of the Tweet. They weren’t as loud, but she felt a low, powerful rumble flow through her entire body as the engines came to life.
“Okay, Casey, my jet. I’m going to demo the first takeoff and I want you to pay attention to the airspeed indicator and the pitch attitude when I rotate. Let’s lower our canopies.”
She closed the clear canopy and checked that it was locked. The visibility from this jet was tremendous as she looked all around. She could see everywhere without an instructor pilot sitting next to her blocking her view.
Bulldog lined up on the runway. Casey put her hands lightly on the stick and throttles like she had done with Kathryn so she could feel how he was moving the controls.
“I’m holding the brakes real hard so she don’t creep forward during the engine run-up. Throttles to military power, check engines good, then push them up over the hump into full afterburner, check two good nozzle swings, release brakes, and hold on.”
Casey’s head snapped back hard against the head support as the jet jumped forward down the runway. The airspeed was increasing so quickly it was almost a blur.
“Speed one thirty-five, rotate, safely airborne, gear up, flaps up, accelerate to three hundred knots,” Bulldog said. It was all happening so fast, her head was spinning. The nickname “White Rocket” was an understatement. “Okay, Casey, your jet.” She felt him shake the stick to indicate she was flying now.
The control stick was way more sensitive than the Tweet. She was flailing across the sky.
“Small pressures on the stick, missy. Try to just think about moving it.”
Casey realized she’d been hyperventilating during the whole takeoff. She consciously slowed her breathing and moved her hand so that just her fingertips were holding the stick. Her huge pitch oscillations started to dampen out and she was feeling marginally
in control of this racing beast. She was concentrating so hard on not over-controlling the jet that she was missing every radio call and had no idea where she was.
Bulldog made the radio calls for her and took the jet as they entered the practice area. The T-38 practice areas were much larger than the T-37 ones, and Casey had studied her map to learn the ground references. Once she was in the area, it felt like it was the size of a postage stamp because of how fast they were going.
“Stalls in this jet feel a lot different than they did in the Tweet. The light stall feels like mice are jumping up and down on the wings. You will get comfortable with this because this is where we get max performance and you’re going to feel this in the final turn on the landings. The medium stall feels like there are jackrabbits jumping on the wings, and the full stall feels like elephants are pounding on the wings.” Casey was quite alarmed at how violent the full stall was. It seemed like the wings could break off. Bulldog had her fly around the practice area to get the feel of the jet, then they headed back to the base for landing practice.
“My jet, Ace. I’m going to demo the first landing.” He flew three hundred knots approaching the runway, yanked the plane into a ninety-degree banked turn, pulled four Gs, and ripped the throttles to idle. As the airspeed came down to two hundred and forty knots, he put the landing gear down, then the flaps, then it looked like he was pointing the nose of the jet straight at the ground. The windscreen was three-quarters dirt and one-quarter sky, speed one hundred seventy knots, and a two thousand feet per minute descent rate. Casey felt a slight shudder in the aircraft all through the final turn. “This is the mice jumping on the wings, max performance sensation. You have to pull that nose around the final turn. We’re on the edge of a stall, but I keep that AOA right in the green donut.” It looked like he would land short of the runway, but then he brought the nose up to the landing attitude and touched down right on the numbers.
“Okay, Casey, your turn.”
“Yes, sir, my jet.” She felt clueless but tried her best to copy exactly what he had done. Her traffic pattern spacing looked sort of close to the runway, and everything was happening so fast she had to pull the power to idle. She got the gear down, the flaps down, and started her turn to final. She could feel his hand on the stick as she flew the final turn. “Don’t get slow, Casey. Get the power in. More power. Burners, NOW! My jet!”
Bulldog slammed the throttles into full afterburner, but the jet was still descending toward the ground. The angle of attack indicator showed a red stall chevron. Crap, this is bad! The airplane shuddered into the elephants jumping on the wings heavy stall. They were sinking fast toward the ground and Bulldog was swearing furiously. Oh my God, are we going to crash? Just as they were about to hit the runway hard, she felt the afterburners kick in. The plane went into a series of violent wing rocks as they bounced down the runway with one main wheel, then the opposite wheel banging hard onto the pavement. It seemed like an eternity before the jet finally started to accelerate and climb away from the ground.
“Shit, that was a close one, missy! You remember when I told you this jet was a snake in the final turn?”
“Yes, I do.”
“Well, we just about got bit by it big-time. That’s what’s known as being behind the power curve. You can’t get slow in the final turn with the power at idle. That wasn’t your fault, Casey, it was mine. I should have intervened sooner. I’m glad you got to see that even though I lost a little more hair because of it,” he said, laughing.
We almost pancaked into the ground and this old redneck thinks it’s funny? I’d almost rather have Carter screaming at me. Casey missed flying with Kathryn big-time.
She was still shaken from her first near crash landing and would not make that mistake ever again. He gave her the jet and she flew another pattern as precisely as she could, adding the AOA green donut to her cross-check. Her landing was very firm, but it was a lot better than her first attempt.
After they put their parachutes, G-suits, and helmets away, Casey took a little break in the refuge of the women’s restroom. She had to admit the flight had scared her. Could she ever hope to keep up with this jet? Could she cut it, or would she get washed out like so many others?
She returned to the Gombey flight room and was surprised to see Bulldog laughing as he told everyone the story of their near-death experience.
“I almost crapped my pants waiting for those goddamn burners to light! Then we were doing the T-38 saber dance almost the full length of the fuckin’ runway! I’m getting too old for this shit. These studs are going to turn my hair gray. Oh wait, I don’t got no hair!” The entire flight howled with laughter. “Casey, there you are. Come on and sit down, missy. Let’s debrief this ride.”
She sat down and dutifully got out her notepad before he busted her on this disastrous ride.
“Well, you saw a lot of stuff today. You understand the difference in the stall characteristics? You’ll get used to max performing the jet right on the edge of a stall. That’s what a fighter pilot has to do all the time. You saw a final turn stall today. It’s a real eye-opener, ain’t it? Now you know why we never let that AOA get into the red. Your last landing wasn’t too horrible. Just remember, this jet has a very small margin of error, so don’t take your eyes off her for a second in the final turn. Got any more questions for me?”
“No, sir.”
“All right then. Overall grade, Good.” He stood and left the flight room.
Casey was stunned. She fully expected him to fail her on this ride. She looked at her grade sheet and saw that every maneuver was graded U except for preflight procedures and systems knowledge. I guess this means I officially cheated death once again and am here for one more day. I need a drink, or several of them.
*****
Kathryn had arranged a safety visit to the runway supervisory unit when she knew Casey would be returning to the traffic pattern from her first flight with Bulldog. She felt a surge of pride when she heard Casey’s strong voice over the RSU radio. This quickly turned into concern, then downright fear when she saw Casey get slow in the final turn. Bulldog yelled on the radio, “Going around!” with a higher than usual pitch in his voice as the T-38 was sinking toward the ground. She saw the focused blue flames behind the engines as the afterburners lit, then looked on with horror as the plane went through a severe wing rock banging the main landing gear from side to side as it careened down the length of the runway. The IP controller reached for the red phone to call crash fire rescue just as Bulldog got the jet under control and they lifted off. She had been holding her breath throughout the ordeal. The controller put the red phone down. “Goddamned new class!”
She sat in the flight safety truck trying to compose herself. The whole thing had happened in an instant and she’d felt so completely helpless. She fought lingering nausea from the sickening fear of almost seeing a plane crash. She was having a flashback to the sight of the black column of smoke from Marie’s deadly crash so many years ago. Her eyes burned with tears as the smell of burning fuel and flesh and the sound of roaring fire assaulted her memory once again. It’s not her. She’s not Marie. Casey’s okay now. She kept repeating this mantra until the pain subsided.
I don’t know if I can handle this.
Despite her rejection of Casey, she hadn’t been able to stop thinking about her. She’d done everything in her power to try to help Casey. She’d called in all her favors with Bulldog to persuade him to take her on as a new student. She’d made sure Casey got the best T-38 IP on the whole base. She’d stolen glances at Casey’s grade book when she made her squadron inspection rounds, and she watched the Gombey schedule board to make sure Casey didn’t get overlooked. Now that Casey was flying the plane, Kathryn just happened to be in the RSU watching her fly in the traffic pattern. Hell, she was stalking her, plain and simple.
She’d sufficiently calmed herself down so she could drive the truck back to her office. She had to have faith that Bulldog would keep Casey sa
fe and that she would start to figure out how to keep up with and fly the T-38. Casey was smart and hardworking. She showed more ability and promise than any student Kathryn had ever taught. She had to admit to herself—she missed flying with Casey.
She also missed touching Casey, and she really missed kissing her. She had no resistance at all when she went to bed at night. Her mind and her body ached for Casey, and she’d even started fantasizing about a future life with her. These thoughts usually only ended up making her feel sad and alone. Casey would never give her a second chance after the way she’d rejected her. She could only hope that someday Casey would understand why she’d done what she had to do to protect them both.
For now, she had to be satisfied with watching her from afar. She was confident that Casey could learn to fly the T-38, but no one was ever sure a student could get through this program until they walked across the stage on the last day and got their wings. Kathryn would just have to get a few more gray hairs watching her get there.
Chapter Twenty-seven
Casey was still shaken from her near crash on her first T-38 ride. She wanted to call Kathryn and talk to her about it, but she knew Kathryn didn’t want to hear from her. Even though Kathryn had hurt her, Casey couldn’t be angry with her. She understood the danger to both of their careers if anyone found out they were gay, but that didn’t stop her from wanting to see Kathryn and to talk to her.
When she walked into her quarters, she heard the phone ringing.
“Casey, it’s Tiny. I’ve got something important to tell you!”
Tiny was a dental tech and the left fielder on the base softball team. She had a part-time job as a barback at the O Club. Casey was surprised to hear from her at this hour.
“What’s up, Tiny?”
“It’s about Captain Hardesty. There are these two pilots talking about her at the bar, and it doesn’t sound good.” Tiny whispered into the phone like she didn’t want to be overheard.