Officer Spence Makes No Sense

by Dan Gutman

  “Enough!” yelled Officer Spence. “When I’m through with you kids, they might give you the chair.”

  “Why would they give us a chair?” I asked.

  “So if you steal a sandwich they give you a chair?” asked Ryan. “That’s weird.”

  “What if you have all the chairs you need?” asked Michael.

  “I said that’s ENOUGH!” yelled Officer Spence. “Oh, by the way, Andrea, Arlo Jervis here is in love with you.”

  “Ooooooooooooooo,” everybody said.

  “Is that true, Arlo?” asked Andrea, all smiley. “I always thought you secretly liked me.”

  “I don’t!” I shouted.

  BEEP!

  “It is true!” Andrea said.

  “It is not!” I yelled.

  BEEP!

  “Oooooh!” Ryan said. “A.J. and Andrea are in love!”

  “When are you gonna get married?” asked Michael.

  “Never!” I yelled.

  BEEP!

  If those guys weren’t my best friends, I would hate them.

  “You kids are no help at all,” Officer Spence shouted. “Get out of here! Go back to class. I’ll find the peanut butter and jelly bandit by myself.”

  I’ll tell you, Officer Spence makes no sense.

  5

  Nah-Nah-Nah Boo-Boo

  Y’know how your teacher says you have to read a chapter in a book before you can have fun? And you really don’t want to? Well, read this chapter. Then go have fun! And tell your teacher nah-nah-nah boo-boo!

  6

  Searching for Clues

  When I got back to class, Mrs. Patty, our school secretary, made an announcement over the loudspeaker.

  “Attention, all teachers and students,” Mrs. Patty said. “This will be a perfectly normal day at Ella Mentry School. Continue with your lessons as scheduled. Principal Spence is now in charge.”

  “PRINCIPAL SPENCE?!” we all said.

  “He’s taking over the school,” whispered Ryan, who was sitting next to me. “He’s crazy!”

  Our teacher, Mr. Granite, had been talking about protecting the environment, as usual. Mr. Granite is an alien. No, really, I mean it! Mr. Granite is from another planet. It’s called Etinarg, which is “granite” spelled backward.

  “Here’s a little trick to save water,” said Mr. Granite. “Put an empty bucket on the floor of your shower. While you wait for the water to warm up, the bucket will catch some of the cold water. Then you can use it to water your plants.”

  Mr. Granite is always giving us tips to save energy. But that’s when something weird happened. A head appeared in the doorway. It was Officer Spence’s head. He was crawling around on the ground, and he was looking through a magnifying glass.

  “Uh, what are you doing, Officer Spence?” asked Mr. Granite.

  “Searching for clues,” Officer Spence replied. “I’m trying to nab the peanut butter and jelly bandit.”

  “But you already said the peanut butter and jelly bandit was Mr. Klutz,” said Michael.

  “Klutz is just one suspect,” Officer Spence said. “This could be a conspiracy.”

  I never heard that word before.

  “A conspiracy?” I asked. “What’s that?”

  “A conspiracy is a secret agreement between two or more people to break the law,” said Andrea, all proud of herself.

  “Could you possibly be more boring?” I asked Andrea.

  Little Miss I-Know-Everything keeps a dictionary on her desk to look up words. That way she can show everybody how smart she is.

  “Aha!” Officer Spence suddenly shouted. “I found a clue!”

  “What is it?” Emily asked. “What did you find?”

  “A hair,” said Officer Spence.

  “So?” we all asked.

  “This is proof that the peanut butter and jelly bandit has hair,” Officer Spence announced.

  “Well, Mr. Klutz doesn’t have any hair at all,” Mr. Granite told him. “So he must be innocent, right?”

  “Yes, but you’ve got hair, don’t you?” Officer Spence said, looking at Mr. Granite.

  “Well, yes, but I didn’t steal—”

  Mr. Granite didn’t have the chance to finish his sentence, because at that moment Officer Spence jumped up and pointed his finger at him like it was a gun.

  “Freeze, dirtbag! You’re under arrest!”

  “That’s not even a gun,” said Mr. Granite.

  “Maybe I have a gun hidden inside my finger,” said Officer Spence. “Hands up!”

  “What did I do?” Mr. Granite said, putting his hands up. “I don’t even have a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.”

  “No, but you’re an illegal alien!” shouted Officer Spence.

  “Well, that’s true,” admitted Mr. Granite as Officer Spence put handcuffs on him. “I am from the planet Etinarg.”

  “Are you going to send Mr. Granite to jail too?” asked Neil the nude kid.

  “No,” said Officer Spence.

  “Whew, that’s a relief!” said Andrea.

  “I don’t need to send him to jail,” Officer Spence told us. “I brought the jail here.”

  WHAT?!

  He went out in the hallway and came back in wheeling a big cage. It was sort of like a portable jail.

  “WOW,” we all said, which is “MOM” upside down.

  “Where did you get that?” I asked.

  “Rent-A-Jail,” said Officer Spence as he pushed Mr. Granite into the cell. “You can rent anything.”

  “This is not fair! You can’t do this!” Mr. Granite protested. “I have my rights!”

  “Yeah, you have the right to remain silent,” said Officer Spence. “So shut up!”

  “Help! Help!” shouted Mr. Granite as the jail cell was wheeled away. “Let me ouuuuuuuuuutttttt!”

  7

  You Can’t Say “Butt” in a Children’s Book

  Well, it was sure shaping up to be an exciting day at Ella Mentry School! First our principal and vice principal were sent to jail. Then our teacher was arrested.

  We didn’t have much time to think about it, because we had to go to reading class with our reading specialist, Mr. Macky. I hate to read, but sometimes it’s fun, because Mr. Macky is wacky.

  “Open your books to page thirty-four,” Mr. Macky said. “Today we’re going to read a story called The Happy Bunny. Don’t you just love bunnies?”

  “Yes!” yelled all the girls.

  “No!” yelled all the boys.

  “‘Bixby the Bunny was a happy little bunny,’” Mr. Macky read from the book. “‘He loved to eat carrots and chase butterflies and frolic in the morning sun. But then one day—’”

  Mr. Macky didn’t have the chance to finish his sentence, because the strangest thing in the history of the world happened. Officer Spence burst into the room.

  “Freeze, dirtbag!” he yelled. “Step away from that book and nobody gets hurt, Macky!”

  “Gasp!” everybody gasped.

  “What’s the problem?” asked Mr. Macky. “I was just reading The Happy Bunny to the kids. What did I do wrong?”

  “Don’t act all innocent!” shouted Officer Spence. “That story has the word ‘but’ in it!”

  “So?” Emily said.

  “What’s wrong with the word ‘but’?” asked Mr. Macky.

  “Don’t play cute with me, mister!” shouted Officer Spence. “I know what you meant.”

  “What did he mean?” asked Michael.

  “B-U-T-T!” spelled out Officer Spence. “And you can’t use the word B-U-T-T in a children’s book!”

  “I didn’t say B-U-T-T!” explained Mr. Macky. “I said B-U-T!”

  “Sounds like B-U-T-T to me,” said Officer Spence.

  “Sort of like ‘toe food’ and ‘tofu,’” I pointed out.

  “Quiet, Arlo!” said Andrea. “This is serious!”

  She was right, because Officer Spence went out in the hall and came back in wheeling another one of those portable jail
cells.

  “Wait a minute!” Mr. Macky said. “What’s wrong with the word ‘butt’ anyway? It’s just a body part.”

  Officer Spence stopped and glared at Mr. Macky from way too close to his face.

  “Just a body part?” he said. “It’s the body part you sit on! So that makes it bad. We can’t have potty mouths like you teaching young children! If kids think it’s okay to say B-U-T-T, they might start saying other body parts, like E-L-B-O-W or E-A-R-L-O-B-E. And we can’t have that.”

  “Look for yourself!” Mr. Macky said, holding up The Happy Bunny. “It doesn’t even say B-U-T-T. It says B-U-T.”

  “It was a typo,” Officer Spence said. “They meant to write B-U-T-T. They forgot the second T.”

  “This is ridiculous!” said Mr. Macky. “I’m sure lots of books have that word in them.”

  “Lots of people rob banks!” Officer Spence said. “You think that makes it right? Get in the cell, Macky!”

  “But—”

  “You said it AGAIN!” Officer Spence yelled as he pushed Mr. Macky into the jail cell. “And you call yourself a reading specialist? How do you sleep at night? You disgust me!”

  “I didn’t DO anything!” Mr. Macky shouted. “I’m an innocent man!”

  “You have the right to remain silent,” said Officer Spence. “So shut up!”

  “No! Let me ouuuuuuuuuuuttttttttttt!”

  8

  Mrs. Cooney Is Busted

  What a weird day it was! Officer Spence was arresting grown-ups left and right!

  After reading, we had to go to the nurse’s room for health. Our school nurse is Mrs. Cooney. She has eyes that look like cotton candy, and she is beautiful. She wanted to marry me a while back, but I told her I wouldn’t marry her because she’s already married to some guy named Mr. Cooney.

  Mrs. Cooney was teaching us about Hi Jean.*

  “You should wash your hands every time you use the bathroom,” she told us. “That will prevent the spread of germs that make us—”

  She didn’t have the chance to finish her sentence, because that’s when Officer Spence burst into the room.

  “Freeze, dirtbag!” he yelled.

  “What’s the meaning of this?” asked Mrs. Cooney, putting her hands up. “I didn’t do anything.”

  “I want you to open that cabinet over the sink slowly,” Officer Spence ordered. “And then back away. No false moves, Cooney!”

  Mrs. Cooney went and opened the cabinet over the sink. There were some bandages in there and some bottles of aspirin.

  “Aha!” Officer Spence hollered. “Aspirin! Can you get that stuff in a drugstore?”

  “Well, yes, of course,” Mrs. Cooney said.

  “Just as I suspected!” Officer Spence shouted. “You’re a drug dealer!”

  “WHAT?!”

  “You’re handing out drugs to innocent children!” Officer Spence yelled as he wheeled in a portable jail cell. “You should be ashamed of yourself. How do you sleep at night?”

  “I take NyQuil,” Mrs. Cooney said.

  “Get in the cell, Cooney, and nobody gets hurt!”

  “But I didn’t—”

  “You have the right to remain silent,” yelled Officer Spence. “So shut up!”

  “No! Help! Let me goooooooooooooooo!”

  “Are you going to do a full-scale investigation?” I asked. “There’s the scale.”

  “Quiet, you!” said Officer Spence.

  He told us to be on our best behavior while he wheeled Mrs. Cooney’s jail cell over to where the other arrested grown-ups were. So as soon as he left the room, me and Michael and Ryan got up and shook our butts at the class. Most of the kids laughed. Except for Little Miss I-Never-Do-Anything-Wrong.

  “You know, you shouldn’t be joking around, Arlo,” Andrea said. “This whole thing is your fault.”

  “My fault?” I said. “What did I do?”

  “If you had checked your lunch box before coming to school, you would have noticed that your sandwich was missing,” said Andrea. “Then none of this would have happened.”

  I hate Andrea.

  We were all sitting there in the nurse’s office without any grown-ups. I looked at Michael. Michael looked at Ryan. Ryan looked at Andrea. Andrea looked at Emily. Emily looked at Neil the nude kid. We were all looking at each other.

  “Maybe Officer Spence isn’t a real security guard,” I said. “Did you ever think of that?”

  “Yeah,” Michael said, “maybe he kidnapped our real security guard and has him locked up in a cage. Just like he’s locking up all the teachers. Stuff like that happens all the time, you know.”

  “Stop trying to scare Emily,” said Andrea.

  Emily looked like she was going to cry. As usual.

  “Officer Spence is crazy!” Ryan said. “There’s no telling what he’ll do next.”

  “He might put us all in jail!” said Neil the nude kid.

  “We’ve got to do something!” Emily said, and then she went running out of the room.

  Well, at least we got rid of her. She is such a crybaby.

  “Emily was right,” said Neil. “We’ve got to do something.”

  “What can we do, call the police?” asked Andrea. “Officer Spence is the police.”

  Andrea was right, for once in her life. There was nothing we could do.

  That’s when I got the greatest idea in the history of the world. On the wall in the nurse’s office is a little red box that says FIRE: IN CASE OF EMERGENCY, BREAK GLASS.

  “Are you thinking what I’m thinking?” I said to the guys.

  “Yeah!” said the guys.

  “Is this an emergency?” I asked.

  “Definitely,” said the guys.

  “Arlo, don’t!” Andrea yelled.

  She tried to stop me, but I was too fast for her. I pulled the fire alarm.*

  9

  Officer Spence Is Getting Weirder

  BRING!BRING!BRING!BRING!

  Fire alarm bells always go BRING! BRING!BRING!BRING! Nobody knows why.

  It was really loud! We had to hold our hands over our ears. Everybody was freaking out. It was cool.

  “Get outside!” people were screaming in the hallways. “Fire! Everybody outside!”

  When we got out to the playground, it was like a war zone. Officer Spence had put barbed wire on top of the fence. There was a helicopter hovering over the school. Officer Spence was wearing a camouflage suit, and he was running around with a weird helmet over his face.

  “What’s that he’s wearing?” Ryan asked.

  “Night vision goggles,” Michael told us. “They let you see in the dark. I saw them in a movie once.”

  “Night vision goggles are cool,” I said.

  “But why is he wearing night vision goggles in the middle of the day?” asked Neil.

  “Because he’s crazy!” Andrea said.

  Officer Spence was running around, arresting every grown-up he could find. First he ran over to our science teacher, Mr. Docker.

  “Freeze, dirtbag!” he yelled.

  “What did I do?” asked Mr. Docker.

  “You’re conducting bizarre experiments in the science lab,” Officer Spence said. “You’re under arrest.”

  He put handcuffs on Mr. Docker. Then he ran over to our bus driver, Mrs. Kormel.

  “Freeze, dirtbag!”

  “What did I do?” she asked.

  “I saw you drinking and driving,” accused Officer Spence.

  “It was coffee!” said Mrs. Kormel.

  “Yes, and you were drinking it,” Officer Spence said as he handcuffed her. “Drinking and driving is against the law, so you’re under arrest!”

  Then he ran over to our crossing guard, Mr. Louie. He was holding his guitar that looks like a stop sign.

  “Freeze, dirtbag!”

  “Hey man, like, y’know?” said Mr. Louie, making a peace sign. “Can’t we all learn to love one another and live in peace and harmony?”

  “No!” Officer
Spence barked. “You’re under arrest!”

  “Hey, I’m just chillin’, dude,” Mr. Louie said. “Doin’ my thing. Like, can you dig it? Why are you hassling me, bro?”

  “Because you stand out in the middle of the street before and after school,” Officer Spence said.

  “Yeah, that’s my job, man,” Mr. Louie said. “Like, I’m a crossing guard? I gotta help the kids cross the street. It’s what I do. Can you dig where I’m comin’ from?”

  “You’re a jaywalker!” Officer Spence yelled. “And you’re going to jail!”

  “Oh, man!” Mr. Louie said as he was handcuffed. “Lighten up, dude! Like, y’know? You’re giving off bad vibes and bumming everybody out.”

  “You have the right to remain silent,” said Officer Spence. “So shut up!”

  “No! Like, help! Let me gooooooooooo!”

  10

  The Peanut Butter and Jelly Bandit Is…

  Officer Spence ordered us kids to go back inside the school and wait for him in the all-purpose room. That’s a room we use for all purposes, so it has the perfect name. I looked at the clock as we went into school. It was almost three o’clock. Soon it would be time to go home.

  We got to the all-purpose room, and it was amazing! The whole stage was filled with a long line of jail cells. Each one had a different grown-up in it—Mrs. Roopy, Mrs. Yonkers, Ms. Hannah, Mr. Loring, Miss Small. They were all there.

  “WOW!” we said, which is “MOM” upside down.

  “Help! Help! Let us out!” The teachers were yelling and rattling their cages. “Officer Spence is crazy!”

  “You have the right to remain silent!” Officer Spence yelled at them. “So shut up!”

  I had to admit, the whole thing was pretty cool. It was a lot like going to the zoo, except there were teachers in the cages instead of monkeys, bears, and baboons. It was a real Kodak moment. You should have been there!