Ella had made it clear that she didn’t want anything to do with him. She’d said incredibly hurtful things to him. He had every right to be furious with her. But he just couldn’t walk away.
He kept waiting for her to feel what he felt, to understand that it wasn’t something that she could control, just like it wasn’t something that he could control. He thought if he waited long enough, she’d let down her guard and embrace him.
He looked at her, willing her to take it all back.
She stared at him for a moment before she turned to walk away.
Dane knew that if he didn’t make a move, he wasn’t going to have another chance. He had no idea how much he wanted her until he thought of not ever being able to have her. When Pam died, he was certain there would be no one else. Yet here was this impossible connection between him and this woman that he’d never seen coming. How could he just ignore that? Clearly, she was willing to just throw it away. He didn’t want to allow that.
He reached out and wrapped his arm around her waist.
She turned back to look at him. “What are you doing?” Her eyes narrowed, but she didn’t pull away.
“I told you I wouldn’t let go. If you can look me in the eye and tell me that you want me to go, I will. If you truly don’t feel what I feel, then I’ll leave you alone, but you have to tell me.”
“Stop it, Dane.” She rolled her eyes and started to pull away.
He tightened his grasp on her. “Tell me to go, Ella. That’s all you have to do. I promise you, I’m not here to harass you. If you can look me in the eye and tell me to go, I will never bother you again.”
“You think you can control everything, don’t you?” She glared at him.
“Aren’t you the one that’s trying to control this? Trying to stop it because you’re scared?”
“I’m not scared.” She curled back into his body and stared him straight in the eye.
“I don’t want you to be afraid.” He barely whispered the words.
“I’m not afraid.” She leaned a little closer to him.
“Then why? Why can’t you say it?” He searched her eyes for any sign of the warmth that he knew was there.
She stared back for a moment, then suddenly pressed her lips to his.
Just as he sought to kiss her in return she pulled back, right out of his arms.
“I want you to go, Dane.”
He reached up and covered his mouth to keep from saying the things he wanted to. He wanted to accuse her of being cruel, even wicked. He wanted to demand to know why every man in her life before him had gotten whatever they wanted of her, but she wasn’t willing to give him a chance. Most of all he wanted her to be lying.
He closed his eyes in an attempt to calm his temper. When he opened them again she was already several feet away from him. The rain made the distance seem even further.
True to his word, he didn’t go after her. Maybe his imagination had run wild. Maybe she wasn’t anything more than a woman on vacation who thought he might be good company. Maybe the kiss that had turned him inside out was nothing more than a simple kiss to her.
His shoulders slumped with defeat. It didn’t matter what the truth was. She didn’t want to see what might happen next, which meant that it was over. He wasn’t going to beg—not any more than he already had—to demand more than he had of her.
“Goodbye, Ella.” The wind whipped his words into oblivion, but he felt better for saying them.
He turned and walked back toward the hotel. Each raindrop that struck him felt like an assault.
By the time he reached the door of the hotel, the hurt was gone, and anger pumped through his veins. He’d exposed himself to her in a way that he hadn’t ever before—perhaps even with Pam—and all she’d done was walk away.
Maybe she’d done them both a favor.
He shivered in the elevator as he rode up to his floor. When he stepped into the hotel room, Thomas was just waking up.
“Dad?” He sat up in bed and rubbed his eyes. “What happened to you?”
“What happened to you?” Dane snapped in return. “I thought this vacation was supposed to be time for us. You can’t even wake up?” His heart pounded. In the back of his mind he knew he was taking his anger at Ella out on his son, but he couldn’t stop it.
“I’m sorry. I was out late. I met this girl—”
“Save it. I don’t want to hear about it.” Dane pushed open the door to the bathroom and turned on the shower. He slipped out of his soaked swim trunks and gripped the sink to try to calm down. As the water heated up, he stared at his reflection in the mirror. He saw the lines on his face, the darkness under his eyes.
“How stupid are you?” He glared at himself. “A woman like that doesn’t want an old man like you.” He shook his head and stepped into the shower.
As the warm water coasted along his skin he reached up and pressed his hand against his chest. His heart still pounded at the memory of her touch. He groaned through the rush of the water and squeezed his eyes shut. If only he’d never met her. For years he’d been perfectly fine alone. Now every time he closed his eyes, all he could picture was her.
Chapter 22
Ella was almost at her cottage when someone shouted.
“What are you doing out in the rain?”
She looked toward the voice. A woman stood in the doorway of another cottage, not far from hers. It took her a moment, but Ella recognized her as the woman she’d met the day before at the salon.
“I’m just on my way inside.” She continued walking.
“Wait a minute—why don’t you come in? The rain will pass in a few minutes.”
Ella sighed. The last thing she wanted was to be seen by anyone, but Jillian had offered good advice the day before. Maybe she’d be able to help Ella sort out what had just happened.
“Sure.” Ella turned and walked toward her.
Jillian held the door open.
Ella stepped inside. “I’m sorry. I’m dripping all over your floor.”
“Don’t worry about that. I’ll get you a towel.” Jillian disappeared into her bathroom for a moment. When she came back she held out a towel for Ella.
Ella took it and wrapped it around her body. “Thanks.”
“So what happened?” Jillian stared at her.
“What do you mean?”
“You weren’t out walking in the rain for no reason. Plus, those streaks on your face aren’t from rain—those are tears, honey.”
“No.” Ella tightened the towel around her. “I wasn’t crying.”
“You still are.” Jillian narrowed her eyes. “I can see the tears in your eyes. What happened? Did your friendly date end up breaking your heart?”
“It’s not like that.” Ella sighed and leaned against the wall.
“So tell me.” Jillian pulled a chair over and sat down across from where Ella sat on the couch. “We’ve got some time until the rain stops.”
“Why do you want to know?” Ella eyed her suspiciously.
“It’s kind of what I do. I’m a life coach—and I specialize in romance.”
“Oh, great.” Ella rolled her eyes. “I highly doubt that you can help me.”
“Why is that? You haven’t given me a chance.” Jillian grinned.
She appeared unfazed by Ella’s harsh tone.
“Look, romance isn’t what I’m trying to find—it seems to be my problem.”
“Why is it your problem?”
“Because that friendly date turned into something else—something I didn’t expect.”
“Oh. You fell for him, huh?”
“Of course not. We’ve only just met.”
“That doesn’t mean anything. If you meet the right person, it can happen in an instant—an hour, a day even.” Jillian smiled warmly. “Trust me, I’ve seen it.”
“Yes, well, so have I. My ex-husband told me he loved me on our first date. He proposed to me within the month and we married the month after. I know all about love
at first sight. It’s not love. It’s lust.”
“It can be.” Jillian stood up. “Let me get you some tea.”
Jillian walked into the small kitchen and prepared them both a mug of tea.
While she was gone, Ella thought about what she’d done. If only she hadn’t told Dane to go, but she’d thought it was the right thing to do at the time. He’d challenged her and she had lied. It was the only way she could be safe, the only way she could prevent herself from hurting him.
Jillian returned and handed her a mug of tea. Ella accepted it with trembling hands.
“Are you cold? I might have some clothes that would fit you.”
“No, I’m not cold.” Ella blinked back the tears that threatened to form.
“Oh.” Jillian sat down and reached out to pat her knee. “It’s okay. If it’s real, nothing is going to stop it.”
“I already stopped it.”
“How?”
Ella closed her eyes. “I said—oh—horrible things.”
“Words can do some serious damage. But I bet you weren’t as harsh as you think.”
“No, trust me. I was pretty horrible.”
“What did you say?”
“I told him that I felt sorry for his deceased wife. I told him he lied about his grief over losing her.”
“Ouch.” Jillian grimaced. “That’s pretty bad.”
“Yes. And even after all that, he still tried to hold on to me. He told me he wouldn’t give up unless I told him to go.”
‘So what did you do?” Jillian leaned closer.
“I told him to go.” Ella shook her head and looked down into her mug of tea. “And I don’t regret it.”
“Why not? You obviously care about him or you wouldn’t be so upset.”
“Because he isn’t the type of man to just have some fun. He’s the type of man that falls in love, that expects forever.”
“And that’s a problem?”
“For me it is.” Ella sighed and took a sip of her tea. “All I want is fun.”
“Ah, so you’re a liar.”
“What?” Ella glared at her.
“It’s true.”
“You don’t know that. Maybe that is all I want. I don’t want to be hurt again. I don’t want to pin my hopes on a man who turns out to be an illusion.”
“Or maybe you don’t know what you want. Maybe you’re trying to convince yourself that you never want to be in love again, when deep down you wanted to tell him to stay.” She tilted her head to the side. “But that’s not really the important question.”
“It’s not?” Ella looked at her. “What is, then?”
“Why do you think that you don’t deserve love, Ella?”
Ella stared at her with her mouth half open. “I don’t think that. I just don’t want it.”
“Everyone wants it. It’s in our nature to love and be loved, Ella. The people that fight it are those that have been hurt, those that have come to believe that they don’t deserve it for some reason. If you figure out why you feel that way, then you can begin to heal from it.”
“I don’t deserve love.” She tapped her finger on her mug. “I’ve never really thought about that.”
“Let’s take your Romeo. What if you told him to stay? What if he was everything he claimed to be? What if you were madly in love? What do you think would happen next?”
Her question reminded Ella of Dane asking her if she wanted to see what came next. It made her flinch. “He’d leave, or I would—or we’d just end up hating one another.”
“And you believe this because?”
“Because I was in love once. I was in love and it didn’t matter. He still left me. It destroyed me. I can’t risk that again.”
“But here you are. You could have ignored this man from the beginning. What made you try to develop something with him?”
“I was curious.”
“You were drawn to the fact that you felt a connection with him. You were drawn to the potential for love. You may claim that you don’t want to risk that, but the truth is, you’re dying to give it a go. Aren’t you?”
Ella took another sip of her tea. The warm liquid soothed her raw nerves, but it did nothing to hold back the hot tears that filled her eyes. Was Jillian right? “One of us has to make the right decision. He’s too weak, too naive. What I feel when I’m with him is too much. It could never last.”
“Or maybe it’s love. Maybe what you felt with your ex was lust, and infatuation, mixed in with puppy love. Maybe what you feel for this man is the real thing—and you think you’re not strong enough for it.”
“I’m strong.”
“So, why are you running?” Jillian set her mug down on the table in front of her. “If you were really strong, you wouldn’t be trying to escape the one thing that might allow you to be happy.”
“This is what you do for a living? You insult people?”
“I don’t mean to be insulting. I help people to be honest with themselves. Most of the time, the only thing blocking people from a successful life is the lies that they tell themselves. They tell themselves that they’re not good enough, that they’re failures—that they’re never going to amount to anything. Some people apply the same beliefs to romance. If you’re hurt once, it can become this huge barrier within you against ever loving again.”
“Isn’t that the smart thing to do?” Ella frowned. “I’m not interested in going through that again. I can get pleasure my way—and no one gets hurt.”
“Sure, you can get physical pleasure. But that’s not what you’re really looking for. Is it?”
“I don’t know.” Ella wiped a hand across her forehead. “I have no idea.”
“Yes, you do, Ella. When you close your eyes, what happens? Try it.”
Ella closed her eyes. Instantly she saw Dane looking at her—just before he’d kissed her. “Oh no.” She groaned.
“See?” Jillian smiled. “You know exactly what you want.”
Chapter 23
When Dane stepped out of the bathroom in fresh clothes, Thomas was there waiting for him.
“Dad. What’s going on?”
“Nothing.”
“It’s not nothing. You look miserable. What’s wrong?”
“Thomas, it’s not your problem, alright? I just want to finish this vacation and get home.”
“Are you that upset about me going out last night? I’m sorry, Dad. I didn’t mean to get you upset. I was just trying to have some fun.”
“It’s all about fun with you, isn’t it?” Dane glanced over at him. “Everything’s a game.”
“Dad, what are you so upset about? I won’t go out again, okay?”
“No. You should. Go out, have fun. Enjoy yourself. I shouldn’t be trying to drag you down. This vacation should be your last hurrah before you go off to college. I’m sorry I snapped at you. Alright?”
“It’s not like I don’t want to spend time with you. Yesterday everything was fine, now you’re acting like you wish you’d never come. All because I didn’t wake up for snorkeling?”
Dane sighed, feeling angry with himself for being so harsh with his son. “It’s not that. The truth is, I’ve been relying on you too much. I treat you like my friend, when you’re not. You’re my son.”
“Yeah, but we’re friends too.” Thomas stood up and looked at him. “Dad, I want you to be happy.”
“Son, you shouldn’t be worried about that. Whether or not I’m happy is my business. It’s not for you to worry about. I’m a grown man—in charge of my life.”
“Okay, okay.” Thomas shook his head. “Whatever you say. Why don’t we go hit the beach? The rain has cleared up.”
“No.” Dane frowned. “I don’t want to go to the beach.” He didn’t want to take the chance of running into Ella again. If he did, he might not be able to hide his emotions. He already felt ridiculous for being so honest with her—and for that kiss.
“Okay. Do you want to get some lunch then?”
“Su
re. Fine. But let’s find a small place—away from here.”
“We’ll have to take a taxi.”
“I don’t care.”
“Okay.” Thomas grabbed his phone. “I’ll see what I can find.”
As Thomas looked for a restaurant, Dane walked over to the window. He stared down at the beach.
People were already starting to claim their positions on the sand. The sky was still gray, but the memory of the storm was fading fast.
“Tacos?” Thomas looked up from his phone.
“Sure. As long as it’s away from here.”
“Dad, are you sure you’re okay?”
“I’d be better if you stopped asking me that.”
“Sure. I ordered a taxi.” Thomas grabbed his shoes and pulled them on.
Dane pulled on his shoes as well and they headed out of the hotel room.
“You can order a taxi on your phone?”
“Yup. There’s an app for that.” Thomas chuckled.
“Great.” Dane pressed the button to call the elevator.
As he waited for it, he wished he could be invisible. What if he ran into Ella in the lobby? Or while waiting in front of the hotel for the taxi? How was he going to handle that? He stepped onto the elevator and held the door for Thomas.
“I can’t wait to get some tacos. It’s been a long time since we did that.”
“We used to go after every soccer practice.” Dane smiled.
“I remember. Those are good memories.” Thomas rested against the back of the elevator. “You know what I appreciate the most about how you raised me, Dad?”
“I’m still raising you.” Dane met his eyes as the elevator doors opened.
“I know.” Thomas smiled. They stepped out of the elevator together. “Do you want me to tell you or not?”
“Sure. Tell me.”
“Losing Mom was hard. But you never let me forget her. Everything we did—you’d tell me about her, how she might feel, what she might laugh about. It was like I got to know her through you. So even though I only had a few years with her, you gave me the chance to feel what it would have been like to grow up with her.”
To Trust Again: A Sweet Romance (Forty and Free Book 2) Page 8