“Maybe.” His voice softened. A part of him was worried. Ella was used to a fun and fast lifestyle. If she got to know him, wouldn’t she just see how boring he was?
“We’re going to try, right?” Ella slipped out of his arms. “We have to make up for lost time.”
He stared at her as his instincts fought his logical mind. His instincts told him never to leave her side. His logical mind demanded that he not be alone with her, as he had no idea if he could stay in control. A kiss had pushed them apart before; what would being alone in her cottage do to him?
“Ella, why don’t we stay a little longer? We can look at the stars, grab something to eat.” He stared at her with a sense of panic building inside of him.
She smiled a little as she closed the distance between them again. She gazed into his eyes. “You’re afraid to be alone with me, aren’t you?” Her fingertips traced over his bottom lip. “You’re afraid of what might happen?”
“Ella.” He drew a sharp breath as she touched him. “It sounds crazy, but I feel so out of control when I’m with you. I just don’t know if I can trust myself.”
“You don’t have to.” She curled her arm around his neck and drew his lips to hers.
Before he could pull away, she offered him a light sweet kiss. It triggered an avalanche within him, but not the frenzied passion he’d felt before. It was somehow comforting to feel her lips again.
“I trust you, Dane.”
“You do?” His eyes widened.
“Nothing is going to happen that both of us don’t want. Alright?”
“Alright.” He nodded and sought another kiss.
She responded to it with more passion than the first. The drums picked up their pace to the point that they seemed to mimic the pounding of his heart.
He pulled away and smiled at her.
“See?” Ella grinned. “We’re doing just fine.”
“Not a lot of conversation going on, though.”
“Okay, okay. First rule of the cottage—more talking, less kissing.”
“I can agree to that—I think.” He threaded his arm through hers and they began to walk away from the dance floor.
Chapter 30
The walk to the cottage was nerve-wracking for Ella. She grasped Dane’s hand a little too tight as she waited for him to pull away. He’d told her that he forgave her, but how could she know for sure? What was even more difficult was not knowing her role. When she went on casual dates, there were no expectations to fill. But this was different. Dane could be affected by everything she said or did. She wanted him to enjoy himself, but she also didn’t want to pressure him into anything he didn’t want.
“I wondered about these cottages. I can see them from the window of my room. Why did you stay in one of these instead of in the hotel?”
“I thought it would give me a little more privacy—a little space from other people.”
“I guess that didn’t work out so well for you.” Dane glanced over at her and smiled.
“Yes, Dane—you were very unexpected. But I’m glad that we met. Are you?”
“Very.” He paused as she unlocked the door to her cottage.
She noticed him hesitate to step inside. She turned to face him and offered her his hand. “Come in. I’ll be good, I promise.”
Dane quirked a brow in such a way that it made her wonder if that might not be what he was hoping for. When he stepped inside she closed the door and turned to face him.
“It’s not much, but it’ll give us a chance to talk away from all of the commotion. Would you like a glass of wine?” She paused. “Oh that’s right, you don’t drink.”
“No, it’s fine. I drink now and then. I prefer not to if I’m not sure of my surroundings. I’d love a glass of wine.”
Ella poured them both a glass. As she handed him his, she looked him up and down. He wore pale, neutral colors. His haircut was traditional. He even wore sensible sandals rather than flip-flops.
“You’re very cautious, aren’t you, Dane?” She was teasing him, hoping that she sounded playful.
He shifted on the couch as she sat down beside him. “I tend to be, yes.” He frowned. “I guess that seems painfully boring to you.”
“Not exactly. I think I’m cautious in my own way.”
“You mean, not letting people get close?” He took her hand in his. “I’d like to know more about that.”
She took a deep breath and smiled. “Are you sure? It’s not very interesting.”
“I find that very hard to believe.” He passed his thumb across her knuckles. “It’s what we’re here for, right? To figure out what this tension is between us? Is it just chemistry, or is it something more?”
Ella braced herself. Dane wanted to get to know her. If he knew the real her, would he still feel the way he did?
“What do you want to know?”
“Tell me about him. I’ve told you about Pam.”
“I’ve told you some things already.”
“Tell me more.” He leaned back and took a sip of his wine.
She noticed how he created distance between them. Whether he meant to or not, he scooted away from her on the couch.
“I was young. I was naïve. He said he loved me and I actually loved him. There’s not much more to it than that.” She shrugged.
“I don’t think that’s all there is to it. I’d like to hear more—if you’re willing to share it.”
“It’s just that I’ve spent so long trying to keep things to myself that it’s hard for me to bring these things up.”
“I understand that. After Pam died, I avoided all of our mutual friends. I didn’t want to hear them tell me how sorry they were, or see the way that they looked at me. I think a part of me wanted to pretend that she was still alive, that nothing had changed.” He leaned forward some. “Is that what you’re doing? Pretending your marriage never happened?”
Ella pursed her lips. She swirled her wine in her glass. “If I could erase it, maybe I would be a different person.”
“Hm.” He took another sip of his wine. “Maybe you shouldn’t hide from the person that it made you. I happen to like that person.”
“Sure you do. That’s why you won’t sit too close to me.” She looked away from him and set her wine glass down on the table. “That’s why you don’t feel safe with me?”
“I never said that.” He shifted a little closer to her. “It’s not that I don’t feel safe with you, Ella. It’s that I don’t know who I am when I’m with you. With Pam, it was easy. I was husband, father, gutter cleaner. With you, I guess I don’t know how I’m supposed to act. One minute I’m a gentleman, one minute I’m very far from it.”
“I noticed.” She winked at him.
“Ella, I’m serious. Is that what you think? You think I judge you?”
“Don’t you?” She looked him straight in the eyes. “You weren’t doing that in the water that night?”
He shook his head. “No. I wasn’t.”
“I don’t believe you.”
“You should. I wasn’t judging you. I just wasn’t ready for that. With someone else, I’m sure that would have been innocent fun. But for me, it was overwhelming and too fast. I want to know you. I already know how beautiful you are, but I want to know who you actually are. That might be a little difficult if you’re not willing to share anything with me.”
She rested her head against the curve of his shoulder. “I know, I know. So ask me anything.”
“Okay. Where do you see yourself in five years?”
“I try not to think about it.” She chewed on her bottom lip.
“Why not?” He twirled a finger through her hair.
She smiled at the sensation.
“I’m not sure. I guess I’ve been focusing on the here and now for so long that I’ve not thought about the future.”
“Would you ever get married again?”
“Are you asking?” She grinned.
“No.” He cleared his throat.
“Relax, Dane, I’m just joking.” She patted his chest playfully.
“And cleverly avoiding answering the question.” He caught her chin between his fingers and gave a light tug. “I thought you were going to be straight with me?”
“Alright.” She sighed and nestled her head closer to his neck. “I don’t know if I could do it again.”
“I don’t know if I could either.” He kissed the top of her head. “It’s difficult to think about things like that. What about the good things? Are you going to get a motorcycle and explore the country? Are you going to sail the world?”
“Both very good ideas.” Ella looked up into his eyes. “I guess it would depend on if I had good company.”
“Would you want company? Or would you rather be alone?”
“I could see myself wanting some company.”
“So what happens between then and now? When do you start opening your heart and allowing someone to be part of your life?”
“I don’t know.” She frowned. “I’m not sure how to get there—from here.”
“Maybe a little bit at a time?” He stroked her cheek.
“Maybe.” She tilted her head to look at him. “What about you? Where do you see yourself?”
“Just about the same place, I suppose. I imagine Thomas will take a long time to settle down. I’ll probably be on my own for a while.”
“So, no wedding in your future?”
He sighed and sat up a bit on the couch. “It’s hard for me to think of those things without Pam. I know it’s what she wanted—she even asked me to remarry—but, I don’t know…”
“So we’re both a little lost.” Ella shifted closer to him. She traced a fingertip along his cheek and down beneath his chin. “Maybe that’s why we found each other.”
Without hesitation she kissed him.
Chapter 31
Ella’s kiss lingered on his lips, tempting Dane to kiss back and draw her close against him. When he broke the kiss, her lips chased after his. He shuddered and gave in to her seeking.
He broke away again and looked into her eyes. “More talking, less kissing, remember?”
“I’m done talking. Aren’t you?”
He wrapped his arm around her shoulders and sighed. Having her in his arms was wonderful.
When her hand wandered across his chest, his muscles tensed. He shifted and looked over at her. “It doesn’t matter, does it?”
“What doesn’t matter?” She tickled along his collarbone.
“No matter what we do, this thing between us isn’t going to go away.”
“You want it to?” She frowned.
“No.” He held her tighter. “No, I don’t. So what are we going to do about this?”
“I have something in mind.”
When her lips met his, he didn’t have a chance to pull away. She pushed against his chest with just enough pressure to keep him pinned back against the couch. She guided his lips with her own even as he willed himself to draw back. Every time he thought he had the strength to stop the kiss, the warmth of her mouth would draw him back in. The intense pleasure that coursed through him left him dizzy.
It’s just a kiss, Dane, loosen up. He tried to convince himself that he could relax and enjoy it. Before he knew it, she was unbuttoning his shirt. He drew a sharp breath between the flow of their kiss.
“Ella.” He reached for her waist and found that her skirt had slid up quite far.
“Sh, Dane. Just enjoy it.” She kissed his cheek, then down the side of his neck.
Dane coasted his hands down along her back. He closed his eyes as he was consumed by his desire for her.
“Ella, stop.”
“No. I don’t want to. I know you don’t want to either.” She moved her lips back to his for a slow, sensual kiss.
Somewhere in the back of his mind, Dane was aware that this was not what he wanted. He surfaced long enough from the heat that crackled between them to break the kiss again.
“Ella, stop. Okay?”
She stared into his eyes. “Seriously?”
“Yes. I need you to stop.”
“It’s not like you aren’t participating here.”
“I know.”
She moved to kiss him again, but he turned his head.
She sat back on the couch, her eyes wide. “Dane, we’re not doing anything wrong.”
“It’s not about right or wrong, Ella.” He took her hand in his. “It’s about timing. I’m not ready for this.”
“So we can’t even kiss?”
“That was a little more than kissing, don’t you think?” He fixed the buttons on his shirt.
“Dane.” She growled with frustration.
“Now who’s judging?” He stood up from the couch.
“I just need to know the rules. You seem to have a lot of them.”
“Ella, it’s not like I don’t want to experience more with you—just not yet.”
“Well, we’re kind of limited on our time together.”
“So it’ll be over when vacation is over?” Dane met her eyes. “Is that what you’re thinking?”
“I’ve never done the long distance thing before.”
“So all of this stuff about wanting to get to know me—that’s all temporary?”
“I don’t know, Dane.” She frowned and looked down at her hands.
“So that’s why you’re pushing me, because you want to take things as far as you can, and then you’ll just move on and forget about me.”
“That’s not it at all.”
“Then what is it, Ella? Are we in this for real, or are we in a fantasy?”
“Right now it doesn’t seem like we’re in anything at all.”
“I wanted tonight, tomorrow, and next week. If you’re just looking for tonight, that’s not going to work for me.” He started to turn toward the door.
“Wait, you’re not leaving, are you?” She looked up at him.
He wanted to lean down and kiss her again. He wanted to be the man that she wanted him to be. But he couldn’t. Though the passion he felt for her was more intense than he'd imagined it could ever be, it didn’t eliminate the sense that he was somehow betraying Pam.
“You said that we could take things slow.”
“I thought that was slow.”
Dane shook his head. “I should go.”
“Dane, wait.” She grabbed his hand. “Stay.”
“I can’t, Ella. It’s not your fault, you know. It’s me. I’m just not ready.”
“Then I won’t even touch you. Just stay, we can talk more—whatever you want to do.”
“I can’t feel like I’m holding you back. It’s not wrong for you to want what you want, I just can’t offer it. I need some time to think about this.”
“How much time do you have left?” She stared into his eyes.
“A few days.”
“And then?” She stood up from the couch and tried to embrace him. “Don’t do this.”
“Ella.” He hugged her in return and then pulled away again. “Please, I just have to think. I can’t think when I’m with you.”
She sank back down on the couch. “Fine.”
“It’s nothing you’ve done.”
“Sure.” She stared at the floor.
“I still want us to try.”
“Right.” She glanced up at him. “When you’re done thinking. I’ve heard of letting a girl down easy, but that excuse is a new one.”
“It’s not like that.” He reached out to touch her cheek.
She pushed his hand away. “Don’t.”
Dane lingered in front of her for a moment. His hands ached to reach out to her, to soothe the hurt he’d caused. But the amount of confusion he felt left him unsure of the right thing to do.
“I don’t want this to be goodbye, Ella.”
“You want to stay, but you want to go. You want to feel something, but not too much. You want to leave, but you don’t want to say goodbye. How long do you expect me to wait, Dane?�
��
“I don’t know.” He rubbed his hand across his forehead. “If I did, I’d tell you. I know it’s not fair to you. I’ll understand if you don’t want to wait at all.”
She stood up from the couch and walked over to the door.
He tensed as she opened the door for him.
“Goodbye, Dane.”
His throat grew dry as he walked past her. Just before he was all the way through he turned to look at her, but he couldn’t bring himself to say a word.
Chapter 32
Ella pushed the door shut behind Dane. She wished she could close her heart off just as easily, but she couldn’t. It longed for him in a way that infuriated her. She wiped at her eyes to push back the tears that had formed. Never had a man rejected her advances. It was hard for her to comprehend why he continued to resist her and yet in the same breath claimed to care about her.
The frustration built within her, and what made it worse was that it didn’t matter. It didn’t matter how angry she was with him, she still wanted him. She was used to doing what felt right, not following rules.
She knew it was what he wanted too—she could sense it in his kiss, in the way he touched her—but he wouldn’t just allow it to happen.
She paced through the living room in slow even strides. Ultimately they would be leaving one another to return to their lives. She wasn’t even sure what she was fighting for. But there was no question in her mind that she wanted Dane. She needed him to be able to see clearly that he wanted her too.
Yet every time he was close to her, he went running.
Sure, she was taking things a little further than he’d wanted, but so what? It was the heat of the moment, it was following instincts and finding pleasure. What could be wrong with that? Would there always be that kind of barrier between them?
Ella sat back down on the couch and decided to give Jillian a call. The woman seemed to have a lot of good insights; maybe she could explain to Ella what she’d done wrong.
“Hello?”
“Jillian?”
To Trust Again: A Sweet Romance (Forty and Free Book 2) Page 11