by Rye Brewer
I stood there, willing myself not to shake. I wouldn’t give any of them the satisfaction of watching me fall apart in front of them, even though that was exactly what I wanted to do. I wanted to fall apart and cry and ask the gods why it was happening to me. I never wanted to lead the clan. I didn’t want that responsibility. Sure, I had advised my brother, but it was a lot easier to give advice when the outcome of the advice wasn’t blamed on me if things went wrong.
I looked around the table. Everybody was looking at me. All of the heads of all of the clans, including the Bourke clan. There was Marcus, sneering as always. This time he looked as though he knew I would screw up. He was just waiting for it. So what if he didn’t get his way and force my brother out of power? He thought he’d get what he wanted after I ruined the clan. He was so easy to read, it was almost sad.
It was the look on his face, that snide certainty, that stiffened my spine. I would have more than a few words for my brother when he got back from the delusion he was living in, but for the time being I was the head of the clan.
So be it.
I smiled as brilliantly as I could. “Thank you,” I said, trying to sound gracious and strong. I had to. There was no choice.
I felt another pair of eyes on me, the only other pair I cared about.
At the end of the table, sitting closest to Lucian, was his clan. And in that group sat the vampire whose eyes focused so intently on me.
I could always feel when he watched me. I’d been able to feel it when we were together, before we were together, and in the years afterward. Some things never changed, did they? And Vance’s gaze never changed. It felt hot, like a caress. It made my skin tingle and burn, made my heart beat just a little faster. I willed myself not to care too much just then. It wasn’t the time. I had to focus on what really mattered, and seeing as how Vance was seeing a girl from Genevieve’s clan, he didn’t matter.
Still, I couldn’t help but sneak a look at him from beneath my lashes.
There he was.
Watching me.
What was he thinking? How long had it been since I had been able to practically read his thoughts? Well, maybe not really read his thoughts, but I could almost always tell what was going on in his head. That was then, however. Far back in the past.
I couldn’t bring those times back even if I wanted to—and considering how things had turned out, I didn’t want to. It wasn’t worth going through that pain again, even if I couldn’t help remembering how good things had been when they were good.
Did he believe in me? He always used to tell me he did. He used to tell me I was the smartest of all the Bourke kids, that I was the only born leader in the family. I didn’t believe that—Jonah was a leader, for sure—but it was easy to be overlooked when you were the only girl in the family. Vance had always made me feel special. He’d made me believe in myself. He was why I had the courage to stand there in the first place, facing down all the disbelieving stares.
I couldn’t let him know how much I still cared. I kept my eyes away from him as I sat back down. He’d moved on, hadn’t he? It wasn’t fair for him to sit there, looking at me with those eyes of his, looking at me the way he used to when we were together. It wasn’t fair. He couldn’t be happy with somebody else and still keep me hanging on. The thought gave me strength and made it easier to regain control.
Scott, sitting at my right, squeezed my hand. I was surprised he even knew what was happening around him, he was so stuck on Sara. I couldn’t let her get to me just then, either. It was a fairly well-kept secret that I didn’t care for her or her half-blood sister, namely because I didn’t advertise it much. I couldn’t give her much of my headspace, she would only push me off track.
I had to present a good front just then. Now more than ever. We’d already lost Gage, and now Jonah. I had to show them we were strong. It was what my father would’ve wanted.
I sat blank-faced through the rest of the meeting, which I could tell the rest of the league were happy to get on with since my family had managed to cause so much commotion. My head reeled, my thoughts spun out of control. There were so many things to do, so much to take care of, and I was the one responsible for all of it. I tried to remember everything Jonah and I had ever talked over and knew it was pointless—I would never be able to remember all of it and besides, I would only overwhelm myself. I couldn’t do that, either. I needed to take it slow, one thing at a time. If I thought too far into the future, I’d only go crazy. One step at a time.
I was so intensely aware of Marcus’s presence, just across from me. How many times had I said I wished I could get my hands on him? How many times had I wished I were head of the clan, so I could deal with him as he deserved?
All of a sudden, with the entire league looking to me for leadership of the clan and the rest of the clan depending on me, I understood why it wasn’t so easy to lash out. It wouldn’t be the smart move. I needed to outsmart Marcus, not try to defeat him by force. That was what he wanted, and I couldn’t give him what he wanted. No, I needed to take advantage of the fact that he thought he was smarter than everybody else. He always managed to trip himself up due to that arrogance of his. I only had to sit back and wait for him to destroy himself.
I wished I could talk to Jonah about it. He would tell me what to do. How could he just walk away like that? I thought I could count on him. I thought he was smarter, more reliable. Maybe Gage would’ve been the better leader all along. Gage wouldn’t have let his feelings for some half-blood get in the way of what he needed to do. Duty would’ve come first, love or lust or whatever it was second. No, third, after family. Didn’t family mean anything to him anymore? I couldn’t believe how much it hurt, thinking about what it took for him to leave.
I couldn’t wait for the meeting to be over. I had to get somewhere alone. I needed to be alone so I could process what happened, preferably somewhere I didn’t have to sit up straight and put on my public face. I very much wanted to lie down in a dark room and process things.
When Lucian finally called things to a close, I stood on shaky legs. The sounds of congratulations hung in the air as vampires from other clans wished me well. It wasn’t sincere. I knew it. They didn’t want me to fail, per se. They were only commenting on the excitement of it. They wanted to suck up a little. That was all. They’d sit back and wait for me to screw up. Well, I wouldn’t screw it up.
“I need to get out of here,” I whispered to Scott, and he nodded.
“We’ll leave, then. There’s a lot to deal with now.”
He wasn’t wrong. I hoped he was willing to forget about his little girlfriend for long enough to be a decent advisor to me. I needed the help. He was all I had. I would gladly throw that little Carver clan girl out on her skinny backside if it meant getting Scott’s full attention.
“Let me freshen up fast,” I murmured, looking around. “I need to splash my face and get myself together.”
“Okay. We’ll be by the door.”
I waited for him and Sara to move to the door, making their way through the crowd, before ducking into the nearest restroom.
I was the only one in there, and I locked the door behind me to ensure I could be alone. Ugh, my eyes. They were wide, terrified. I needed to change the way I was thinking and fast if I expected to get past Marcus and make him believe I wasn’t afraid to lead.
My skin looked paler than normal, too, and my red hair stood out in stark contrast to it. I splashed cold water on my cheeks and leaned my hands on the edge of the sink while looking deep into my eyes.
“Get it together,” I whispered. “You can do this. Don’t let them see how you feel. You can’t ever let them see how you feel.”
That was one thing Jonah and I used to talk about a lot, not being able to let anybody else know what was happening inside his head. I finally understood that, really and truly.
When I was ready to leave, I unlocked and slowly opened the door. Then, I asked myself what I was doing. I needed to show a brave fac
e. So I flung the door open with a smile, head held high.
And I looked right into the eyes of Vance.
I glanced away instantly. He wouldn’t get the better of me. He didn’t even deserve the chance to try.
“Wait,” he hissed, following me.
I pretended not to hear him.
Once I reached a little alcove just off the entry, he cornered me inside.
“What’s with you?” he asked, and that familiar smile was enough to curl my toes.
He had no idea how sexy he was. Oh, wait—yes, he did know. He had a very strong idea. And that was one of the reasons why we’d broken up in the first place. His dark hair was pushed back off his forehead but still flopped forward just a little, framing his chiseled features. His icy eyes gleamed beneath thick, dark brows that made them pop in contrast.
“What do you mean? I don’t have time for this.” I put my hands on my hips. “I mean it. Let me go.”
“Not until you let me congratulate you on becoming head of your clan,” he murmured. “I wanted to tell you how happy I am for you.”
“That’s a crock of bull, and we both know it. You’re not happy for me.”
“Sure, I am.”
“You think this is all very funny. That’s the truth.”
“It’s not the truth, and if you would ever give me a little credit, you’d know it. I’m genuinely glad for you. I think you’ll make an excellent leader. I’ve always thought that, and you can’t pretend I never told you so.”
No, I couldn’t. “Well, thank you. But like I said, I have to go. There are a million things to take care of.”
“Like finding your brother?” he suggested.
“Why are you hell bent on making me want to hit you?” I hissed. “That’s none of your business. Maybe if we were still together, it would be your business, but we’re not so it isn’t. Sorry.” I placed my hands on his chest with the intention of pushing him away from me.
He caught them under his hands and pulled me to him.
“We can change that, you know.” He leaned in to kiss me.
I pulled back the instant our lips touched. Then I yanked my hands free.
“You’re unreal, you know that? We broke up because you couldn’t stay away from anything that looked at you more than once, and I finally wised up to that. I wouldn’t stand it, so I told you to get lost. And I’m telling you to get lost again.”
After I lit into him, he only smiled. How could he smile after I reminded him of the way he’d cheated on me? He’d broken my heart, the jerk.
“That was a long time ago—a very long time ago. I’m—things are different.”
“I’ll believe that when I see it,” I smirked.
“You can have the chance, if you want it—I’m moving to the city, and I’d like to see you when I’m settled in.”
Oh, why did my heart pick up speed when he said it? Why did I flush all over? Why did my body insist on betraying me in moments like that? I was afraid he knew what I was thinking, too. That was the worst part.
“Yeah, well, you can keep wishing. In case you missed it in there, I have more important things to worry about now.”
I pushed past him, and he let me go. I walked to the doors with my eyes on the floor. I couldn’t look around. I couldn’t meet anybody’s eyes. I needed to get out of there, and fast. When I was home, I could think.
“What’s up with you?” Scott asked when I reached him.
“What do you mean? Aside from the obvious?”
“I mean, you look flustered.”
“I can’t imagine why. Don’t worry, it’s nothing.” I couldn’t push him away just then, even if I was in no mood to speak about my love life—or lack thereof. “We need to focus on finding Gage now. We can’t have him and Jonah gone.”
Scott nodded. “I’ll get to work on it as soon as we get home. Come on. It’s been a long day.”
Oh, he has no idea.
7
Anissa
“Come on,” Jonah said, taking my hand.
“Where?”
“I’ll take you back to your room.”
“My room?” I whispered my reply as Jonah looked both ways, up and down the hall, before leading me out of the small room and into the hall.
“Yeah, why?”
We spoke in hushed tones as we hurried back down the hall, in the direction of the rooms Steward had laid out for us. He had a lot of space in his quarters. I wondered if the other Custodians had room after room dedicated to their use. From the looks of it, most of the rooms were full of scrolls, texts and the like.
“What am I going to do in my room?” I asked. There was nothing in there. Not even a window to look out of.
“Rest. You need to rest.”
“Rest? Who could rest right now?” I felt more keyed up than I’d ever felt in my life. My mother was alive. I had a half-brother out there somewhere and not a clue how to find him. It was easy for Jonah to tell me to rest. He had no idea how I felt.
“You should try.” We reached my room, and Jonah stepped in after me before closing the door. Once we were inside, it was easy to breathe and relax. There was little chance of being detected in the hall, seeing as how we were in Steward’s quarters, but still. The closed door helped me feel more secure.
“And you’ll rest in your room?” I asked.
His grin wasn’t hard to notice. “What do you think? I don’t tell you to do things I wouldn’t do myself.”
“That wasn’t exactly what I meant.” I looked down at the stone floor. So much like the walls and ceiling, though there was at least a small rug to give the room a homier atmosphere.
“You’ll be fine.” He put his hands on my shoulders, and I looked up at him.
“How is it possible?” I whispered.
“How’s what possible?”
“Everything we’ve been through already. How’s it possible? Didn’t we just meet yesterday?”
He chuckled, and his grip tightened just a little. “Maybe not yesterday. Maybe a little while before then.”
“Okay. But you know what I mean.”
He nodded. “I also know it feels like I’ve known you forever.”
I had that funny, sweaty palm feeling again. “I’m not alone in that, then.”
“No. You’re not.”
I couldn’t decide if he was going to kiss me or not. For a heart-stopping moment, I thought he would.
Then, he released my shoulders. “I need some rest, too, I think.”
I let him go, and only once I was alone did I start pacing back and forth in front of the fire. Every time I glanced over at the flames, I remembered the fire from Steward’s memory. I remembered the smell of burning flesh and the screams, both in Rome and during the Great Fire. Was this how my mother felt when she first started feeding from Steward’s cousin? And she’d done it so many times, over so many years. It must have been overwhelming, the weight of all those memories. I hoped she’d been able to forget them over time, though I couldn’t imagine forgetting what I’d seen and felt.
There was too much going on in my brain. Mother, brother, shades, memories. I’d seen the beginning of the Great Fire. I’d seen it start. Just who started it was still a mystery, but I’d seen it with my own eyes. Well, not my eyes. Close enough. I felt so cold inside, like I’d never get warm again no matter how close I stood to the hearth.
And Jonah thought I should rest. He was crazy.
Nobody would ever know if I did a little exploring, as long as I stuck to Steward’s quarters. He hadn’t said I couldn’t leave my room, had he? No. Only that I had to stay in his quarters. And I was doing that. I was also rationalizing. Even I could admit that.
It didn’t stop me from opening my door and sneaking across the hall. The door to one of the rooms was open, so I slipped inside. What I saw in there just about knocked me off my feet. Scrolls. Stacked from floor to ceiling in all directions. What could they be? What knowledge of the world was stored in them? I almost didn’t da
re touch them. Almost.
There was a large, wooden stand in the center of the room—I guessed that was the spot where Steward would spread out the scrolls when examining them. A large candle-filled iron chandelier hung above the stand. There had to be some sort of enchantment on it, or else the chance of burning the whole room up would’ve been astronomical. And how terrible would that be, to lose all that knowledge.
I took one scroll at random from a small stack beside the stand and pulled at the linen ribbon holding it closed. Of course, it was written in some ancient language. I couldn’t make heads or tails of it. How old could it be? If the Custodians had been spending time with the gladiators in ancient Rome, I could only imagine.
Then, I found something even older than Rome. The next text was written in hieroglyph. Ancient Egypt! My mind boggled. Well, of course—the Archein were the first beings, as Steward had explained. Where had they come from? Did they just… appear one day? I didn’t dare ask him at the time. I wasn’t sure if I ever would. Could I even handle the answer?
More and more. Latin, more hieroglyph, ancient runes. Absolutely unreal. I was holding ancient information in my hands. How many hands had touched it over eons?
I was so busy imagining way back into antiquity that I didn’t notice the opening of the door until a presence was just behind me. I whirled around, prepared to flee if I had to.
“What are you doing here?” Jonah asked, his eyes sweeping the room.
“Reading.” I felt intensely guilty under his glare. He was disappointed with me. I hated that.
“Reading? Since when do you read Latin?”
“Oh, I know all sorts of things.”
He smirked. “You’re smart. But you’re not that smart.” His hands found the sides of my face. I sighed softly—his touch was the best thing I’d ever felt, the best thing I’d ever even imagined. Enough to make my breath come a little faster.
When he leaned closer, I realized he was going to kiss me. I wasn’t wishing anymore, or kidding myself. I closed my eyes and melted against him the instant our lips touched. It was like a spark leapt from him to me, or me to him. No matter where it came from, it created a sort of sizzling feeling that arced between us and spread all through me. I felt more alive. Everything was more real. I buried my fingers in his hair and held his face close as he kissed me. I wanted it to last forever.