Adventures with the Wife in Space

by Neil Perryman

  The Experiment Ends: Assessing the Results

  Over the two and a half years it took the experiment to run, Sue viewed over 350 hours of classic Doctor Who. Her highest rated Doctor was the Third; her lowest rated Doctor was the First. She loved season 24 (Sylvester McCoy) and she didn’t care very much for season 15 (Tom Baker). She didn’t cry when Adric died; she fell in love with Sergeant Benton and out of love with John Levene; she felt sorry for Colin Baker; she grew fed up of the Daleks; and her soft spot for Peter Davison remained soft. Her average score for the classic series is 5.77 out of 10.

  Sue: It was all right, I suppose.

  I am satisfied with this result. A slightly above average 5.77 sounds pretty good to me. If anything, it’s a relief. If Sue’s score had been any higher, I would have been concerned. I don’t want to be married to me; I want to be married to her.

  Yes, it’s sad that she’ll never experience the joy one gets from knowing that the production code for ‘Planet of the Spiders’ is ZZZ, and it’s a shame that she’ll never bid for any Weetabix cards on eBay (I’m still missing Davros), let alone a painting of Nicola Bryant in a bikini. But I’m fine with that. I never set out to turn my wife into a fan, which is just as well really, because if I had, the last two and half years would have been a complete waste of time.

  Sue: I can’t remember half of them. I can’t see myself watching any of them again, I’ll never read the magazine, or the books, and I’ll never go to another Doctor Who convention as long as I live.

  Me: Can you name any of the stories you gave 10 out 10 to?

  Sue: Yes, don’t tell me … ‘The Seeds of Death’?

  Having said that, Sue’s sustained exposure to classic episodes of Doctor Who has had an unexpected side effect:

  Sue: I appreciate the new series a lot more now. When the Great Intelligence turns up in a Steven Moffat story, I actually get it. I’m excited when I see Ice Warriors and Sontarans, when I didn’t care before, and I understand some of the jokes that I never used to get. If anything, the old series has made me a fan of the new series. I bloody love it. But at the same time, I don’t need to wallow in the past. Yes, it’s nice to have it there to refer to, but you have to keep moving forward. You know, like a shark.

  And what about me? What did the experiment reveal about me?

  If I’m honest, there were times when I hated it; I often wished we’d never started. Sometimes I would blame the programme; sometimes it was the anonymous insults on the blog in the middle of the night; sometimes real life got in the way – we came close to throwing in the towel halfway through ‘The Moonbase’ because we had had a row over some washing-up liquid but, five minutes later, still had to go through with the blog; and sometimes it was my ego that got the better of me. Never mind Sue, never mind someone calling themselves CloisterBalls, why wasn’t anyone interested in what I thought about Doctor Who? I’d studied for a PhD in the subject; no one cared about that. Whereas my wife couldn’t tell the difference between a Quark and a Chumbley and she had her own fanbase. How the hell did that happen? If only there was somewhere I could leave an anonymous insult in the middle of the night. But that outlet was not available to me.

  There were even times when I imagined the blog finishing with a YouTube video which would feature me throwing my collection of Doctor Who DVDs onto a huge bonfire (in strict chronological order, of course) because that’s what happens when you turn something you love into an endurance test – it’s what happens to some marriages. But a week after I published Sue’s review of The TV Movie, I woke in the middle of the night and felt compelled to sneak downstairs to watch ‘Horror of Fang Rock’. On my own. And for the first time in almost two and a half years, I enjoyed a Doctor Who story for what it was: a thrilling, slightly scary, slightly ridiculous adventure in time and space – well, a lighthouse, but you get the idea. Only this time, when I watched ‘Horror of Fang Rock’, I wasn’t only reminded of what it felt like to be a frightened seven-year-old boy in Lavender Avenue, I was also reminded of what it felt like to watch it with Sue. She’s quite right, you know: the Rutan does look like a giant zit and the Doctor definitely should have stepped on it.

  I would never have held it against Sue if she had given up before the end; but I also knew that would never happen. She is special and funny and ever so slightly mad, you see, and I also knew that it didn’t matter to her if we did this thing in public or not – that was a trap I set for myself. Sue just wanted to make me happy. She must be indomitable; after all, we are still married.

  Me: Would you ever do anything like this again?

  Sue: I thought you’d never ask.

  Me: Are you joking?

  Sue: I miss it. I never thought I would, but I do.

  Me: Maybe I was wrong. Maybe the specialists are right, maybe I have turned you into a fan after all.

  Sue: It’s not fucking Doctor Who. I miss sitting down with you every night and the two of us having a laugh together. It doesn’t matter what we watch – it could be Downton Abbey for all I care. Just so long as we do it together.

  And for me, this is the only result that matters. The experiment is over.

  Sue: Saying that, it’s my turn next. I’ve found a nice place in France that needs doing up, which means you’ll have to live in a caravan again, but we could do it in public this time, which means you’ll have to take an active interest in the design, the plans, and all the building work. Hey, you never know, you might enjoy it.

  Epilogue

  It’s Sunday 12 May 2013 and Doctor Who has leaked all over the internet. Again.

  The last time this happened it was 2005 and a friend had to send the episode to me in a taxi. This time, I live in a real house, with real broadband, and that means nothing will stop me from capitalising on the fact that the season 7 Blu Ray box set has been sent to a handful of lucky Americans by mistake – a whole week before the season finale is supposed to be broadcast on British television.

  It’s now Friday 17 May 2013 and the episode still hasn’t surfaced on the internet. Either the Americans didn’t get their hands on a copy and the leak was just an elaborate hoax, or the Americans don’t know how to torrent Blu Rays. This never would have happened if the box set had been sent to Canada.

  In the end, we had to wait until Saturday, just like everybody else.

  ‘The Name of the Doctor’ begins on Gallifrey, a very long time ago …

  Sue: Are they finally going to blow it up? I wonder which Doctor will be responsible for pushing the button. Because I’m still not sure, you know.

  A white-haired old man in a frock coat is seen getting into a faulty TARDIS with a teenage girl …

  Sue: Is that who I think it is?

  Me: Richard Hurndall?

  Sue: It’s the First Doctor! In colour! How exciting is that?

  Me: I’ve seen better-executed mash-ups on YouTube, but yes, it’s very exciting.

  Clara bumps into several incarnations of the Doctor, but none of them notices her.

  Sue: Oh look, she was almost run over by Bessie. I bet Jon Pertwee wouldn’t have stopped if he’d hit her. He was probably late for his monthly Masons meeting.

  Clara is now in Los Angeles, where she bumps into two more Doctors …

  Sue: I find it hard to believe that the Second Doctor would go to Venice Beach. Especially in a big fur coat. He was daft, but he was never that daft.

  Me: It’s probably because Los Angeles is where they hold the biggest Doctor Who convention in America. In fact, that’s probably not even the Doctor. It’s probably a fan running late for a fancy dress competition.

  Sue: So where’s Paul McGann?

  Me: We just saw his elbow.

  Sue: Why doesn’t Paul McGann come back? He can’t have changed that much over the last how-ever-many-years it’s been. Just stick a wig on him. No one would mind.

  Me: Paul McGann would mind. He hated that wig.

  Cue titles: The Name of the Doctor by Steven Moffat.

  S
ue: Exciting, isn’t it? I can’t wait to find out what his real name is.

  Me: Just so long as it isn’t Bob. It’s a shame that Nicol isn’t here. She wanted to know what the Doctor’s name was when she was four, although she probably hasn’t given it much thought since then, which is just as well because we won’t find out anyway. It’s just a big tease.

  Sue: What do you think the Doctor’s name is?

  Me: I don’t even know what my real doctor’s name is. It’s not important.

  Sue: I think his name is John Smith. You know, because he’s half-human.

  Me: He’s not half-human. That never happened.

  Sue: Give your head a shake, Neil. You sound like Russell T. Davies.

  In a prison cell in 1893, the Silurian detective Madame Vastra is questioning a serial killer. The killer tells her that the Doctor’s greatest secret has been discovered …

  Sue: He is human on his mother’s side and his mother’s name was Mary. Joseph was not amused. Is his real name …?

  Me: Please, don’t say it. I mean it.

  Madame Vastra contacts Strax the Sontaran, who is holidaying in Glasgow …

  Sue: I love the comedy Sontaran. That’s what the classic series needed – more comedy Sontarans.

  Me: Then you’ve forgotten ‘The Invasion of Time’, which is unforgivable, frankly, because they just Photoshopped Clara into it.

  Meanwhile, on contemporary Earth, Clara is babysitting the children who were violently assaulted by Cybermen a week ago …

  Sue: I hope Clara leaves those bloody kids at home this time. Children shouldn’t be allowed in the TARDIS, not unless they’re visiting The Doctor Who Experience with a responsible adult.

  Clara is ‘the impossible girl’ …

  Me: I think Clara might be the TARDIS in disguise.

  Sue: But how would you get in and out?

  Me: I’m not going to answer that.

  Sue: I think Clara is either a Time Lady, like Romana, or she’s a Doctor from the future.

  Me: If Clara is a Doctor from the future, I will write a strongly worded letter to the BBC.

  Sue: I thought you were supposed to be a feminist? Why can’t you have a female Doctor?

  Me: Because we don’t need one. We’ve already got her.

  I’m pointing at Professor River Song …

  Sue: I love River Song. She’s a strong woman in her early fifties who doesn’t mess about and gets her own way. What’s not to like?

  Madame Vastra has gathered all the Doctor’s friends together to discuss his greatest secret.

  Vastra: What is his name?

  Sue: It must be something really silly otherwise he wouldn’t try to hide it. Eugene, maybe? Or Horace? Something really embarrassing like that.

  The evil Whispermen murder Jenny in her sleep …

  Sue: That was very clever. Horrible, but clever.

  When the Doctor contemplates his greatest secret, he is moved to tears.

  Me: You never saw Tom Baker blubbing his eyes out like that. Even when he knew he was going to die he didn’t shed a single tear. These modern Doctors shouldn’t carry a sonic screwdriver around with them – they should carry a box of tissues.

  Sue didn’t respond to my jibe. She probably couldn’t hear me over the blaring, intrusive music, so I said it again. Still nothing …

  Me: Are you crying?

  Sue: Shut up.

  The Doctor: When you are a time traveller, there is one place you must never go.

  Sue: Benidorm. It doesn’t matter when you visit – it’s always a dump.

  The Doctor decides to break into his own tomb …

  Sue: Ooh, I can hear the TARDIS cloister bell. That can’t be good. That reminds me, can I programme my phone so it plays that sound effect when you call me at work?

  The TARDIS arrives on Trenzalore with such a bump, the windows break …

  Sue: Is that the crack from Amy Pond’s bedroom? Is that important, do you think?

  Me: I don’t know. Why don’t you ask Steven Moffat the next time you see him. Actually, I’ve got a list of questions you could ask him. Like, why did the TARDIS explode in series 6? That’s a good one for a start.

  Sue: You are so impatient.

  River is speaking to Clara from beyond the grave …

  Sue: I never really know where I am with River Song. Is this River Song from the future or River Song from the past?

  Me: I used to keep a flowchart, but then I ran out of colours and it got a little messy.

  The Great Intelligence confronts Jenny and Vastra.

  Sue: Richard E. Grant is very good. Do you think he’d have been a good Doctor?

  Me: He was the Doctor, once. In 2003. In a cartoon.

  Sue: Why haven’t we watched that one?

  Me: The same reason I didn’t make you read all the old TV Comic strips, I suppose. You should count yourself lucky.

  The Great Intelligence claims that the Doctor is ‘blood-soaked’ …

  Sue: He does have a point. The Doctor can be a bit of a git when he wants to be. He even killed a dog once. I’ve never completely forgiven him for that.

  The Great Intelligence attempts to enter the Doctor’s tomb, but to do that he needs the Doctor’s name.

  The Great Intelligence: Doctor who?

  Sue: If the Doctor tells US his name, Steven Moffat will never be able to use that joke ever again.

  Me: That’s why it will never happen.

  The Great Intelligence: Doctor who?

  River says the Doctor’s name (off-screen) and the door to the Doctor’s tomb opens.

  Me: Told you. The Moff is such a tease.

  Sue: You fans are never happy. If he says his name, it’s rubbish, and if he doesn’t say his name, it’s still rubbish. You can’t win.

  Me: But I wasn’t the one who brought it up in the first place, I never wanted to –

  Sue: Moan, moan, moan. You’re never satisfied.

  We find ourselves in the ruins of a TARDIS console room where the voices of all the old Doctors can be heard.

  Sue: The TARDIS is playing recons on a loop.

  The Great Intelligence inserts himself into the Doctor’s time stream, with catastrophic results.

  Sue: I don’t see how almost getting run over by Bessie is going to help the Great Intelligence.

  But when the Doctor’s incarnations begin dying simultaneously, Clara realises that she has to enter the Doctor’s time stream to put things straight.

  Me: We should watch all the episodes again, only this time you could ask ‘Is it Clara?’ every five seconds.

  Sue: Be quiet. This is really emotional.

  The Doctor promises to save Clara, but before he bids farewell to River Song, he snogs her face off.

  Me: Oh my giddy aunt.

  Sue: I love it. And to think there was a time when I thought she was his mum.

  Clara finds herself in the Doctor’s time stream …

  Me: Do you understand what’s going on here?

  Sue: Yes.

  Me: Could you explain it to me, please?

  Sue: Clara is floating around the Doctor’s past, so she can see echoes of the old Doctors. Look, there’s Tom Baker. You can tell that it’s Tom Baker because of the scarf.

  Me: I know who he is! I just don’t understand how this is supposed to work.

  Sue paused the live transmission to explain it to me. Her explanation didn’t make any sense, and my phone was buzzing with incoming messages from my friends who hadn’t paused it and had seen the end, which meant something momentous was about to happen …

  Sue: And that’s why Clara is the impossible girl. There’s just one thing I don’t get and that’s why haven’t we seen David Tennant? He wouldn’t need a wig to come back.

  The episode concludes with a stunning twist. Another Doctor is lurking in the time stream. A Doctor we don’t recognise …

  The Doctor: He is my secret.

  When the mysterious Time Lord turns to face the viewer, a capt
ion appears: Introducing John Hurt as the Doctor.

  Sue: That will confuse the children.

  Me: The children? I’m the one who’s confused!

  Sue: The kids will think the Doctor’s real name is John Hurt. He’s John Smith when he’s nice and he’s John Hurt when he’s nasty.

  Me: According to The Sun, John Hurt plays a Doctor who has been forgotten.

  Sue: Oh, I thought Colin Baker had already done that.

  Me: It’s rumoured that John Hurt is playing a Doctor between Paul McGann and Christopher Eccleston.

  Sue: Does that mean Matt Smith isn’t the Eleventh Doctor any more?

  Me: That’s right. If the rumour turns out to be true, Matt Smith is the Twelfth Doctor. God knows where that puts Richard E. Grant’s cartoon in the grand scheme of things. It’s too complicated to think about.

  Sue: Does that mean your toys, books and DVDs are labelled incorrectly, now?

  Me: I don’t want to talk about it.

  Sue’s Final Score:

  Sue: That was fantastic. It was a bit timey-wimey, but I really like that about modern Doctor Who – it means you can get away with anything. I can’t wait for November, can you?

  Me: That’s the month that this book comes out, so no. I’m dreading it.

  Sue: I bet it will be great. The anniversary special, I mean.

  10/10

  Sue: What did you think?

  Me: It was all right, I suppose.

  Sue: It was better than all right. It was fantastic.

  And that’s when my trousers buzzed again …

  Me: It’s a text message from Nicol.

  Sue: What does it say?

  Me: She wants to know: ‘Is the Doctor’s real name John Hurt?’

  Appendices

  Appendix 1: Glossary

  Whovian: A Doctor Who enthusiast

  Whoniverse: The place where all the Whovians live

  Whotoxetter: Centre of the Whoniverse

  Whoniversal Studios: The place where Doctor Who is made

  Whoniform: Clothes worn by Whovians (scarves, fezzes, celery, etc.)