by Terry Morgan
pick up the pieces and do what I could with the basics he'd provided.
"I was luckier than that old God in one respect I suppose. At least the land and sky was already in place and I didn't have to bother about an unmarried couple with no clothes on hanging around the place looking for advice and handouts.
"But let me tell you something. If I was that first old God, I'd have told that couple to go and get a job and stop hanging around the park under the trees. Have you ever seen pictures of them, mate? They look so pathetic. It's as if they don't know what to do or where to start. But they soon started fucking around. Bred like rabbits. Frankly, between you and me, pal, we've got thousands of their relatives hanging around Krupton. Bloody dozens of them hang around our local park smoking and drinking. And did you pass that run down disused church hall with the 'for sale' sign when you came here? If so, you'd have seen them. There's usually a dozen or more, except on Thursdays when their state handouts are due. Then they disappear like magic for an hour.
"No, we've got too many single mothers and absent fathers who fuck around and leave us to pick up the pieces of their indiscretions. I get fed up with it don't you, mate? We all arrive on this earth with no clothes on but these people still have nothing. What do they expect? Charity? Do they really expect the rest of us to provide them with clothes and a roof over their head in a rent-free heaven and earth surrounded by ripe apples falling off bloody trees? They were brought up wrong in my opinion. That old God has a lot to answer for.
"Now don't get me going, mate, but If I'd been that old God who found that original naked couple sat around cluttering up the place I'd have got really mad and taken it as a sign of things to come. I'd have factored it into my business plan.
"That old God made several stupid mistakes but let me tell you one. First, he should have listened to me. My advice would have been to sit and think a bit more before making his move. If I'd been him I'd have concluded that this wasn't a good place to start a business and gone off and tried it somewhere else. But he never asked me and now you can see the result of his short-sightedness. You know where you can see it best? The bloody park and the bloody church hall."
Arthur Godley, seriously agitated, mopped his brow with a red spotted handkerchief he'd dragged from his pocket.
"Go there and you'll see what I'm talking about. Not content with fresh apples from the tree they prefer the fermented sort. They sit there with their stomachs full of apples in the form of Bulmer's Cider and smoking things which only partly look like cigarettes. Nowadays they wear clothes and seem to have enough money to also own a dog, but in that old God's day they wore nothing but a fig leaf.
"No, if that old God had asked me I'd have suggested he start a business consultancy. I could have shown him how to do it if I wasn't so busy. In fact, I hate business consultants, but it would stop that old God asking questions and interfering with my day to day.
"And don't get me going on business consultants, either. I've had them in here, sat right there where you are, mate, trying to tell me how to run my own business. Want to save money? Want to sell more? Want to know about health and safety? Want to know about clean and mean manufacture? They want to teach me! Can you believe it? I'm clean and mean already. I don't need any of their fancy advice. Look at me, I'm already successful.
"Oh yes, I really hate bullshit. That old God must have been good at bullshit to have got away with it. But he was bloody good salesman, I have to admit.
"Did you know there are still millions of people out there who still believe he heads up some big corporation from a fancy office floating somewhere up near the International Space Station? I hear he's even registered the trade name, 'God in Heaven'. Got to take your hat off to the old bloke, but he's definitely made a few mistakes along the way. The place is littered with examples of bad management. Do you want to hear about some of his mistakes?"
Arthur Godley shot a quick look at his visitor who was still sitting, staring at him. Entranced thought Godley. He looked overwhelmed as he absorbed so much knowledge and experience. Must charge next time thought Godley and he checked his watch again. Christ! An hour gone already and he was getting thirsty. He did a quick mental calculation of probable hourly charges of gurus, but then checked himself. Might he be able to invoice even more as an after-dinner speaker? Dinner jacket? Top table? Applause? Surrounded by admirers? He snapped out of it.
"Yes," he went on, "That old God's mistakes. I could provide a long list but do you know his biggest problem?" Godley paused for effect. "Overstaffed. He runs interviews for washed up individuals and those who have already given up hope. Big mistake, mate, because nearly everyone he interviews gets a bloody job. He's got far too many staff and hangers on now - millions of them. Anyone who runs a business knows that never works. No, overstaffing truly fucks up his bottom line
"And he's got a mate who takes on any of the few unsuccessful applicants. They're in cahoots I reckon. Keep your competitors at arm's length, that's my view. But this other mate of his is a bit of a wide boy who cuts corners I understand - no health and safety, bad working conditions, no hard hats - not even a fire drill.
"As I've said, it's the old God's personal weaknesses that really bother me. You can't afford weak links in a business. If you have a few weak links within your own character then you self-diagnose, pinpoint them and deal with them. That's never applied to me, of course, as there are no weak points, but if, in the remote likelihood there were some, then, and only then, might I recruit, but not from any dubious agency. Word of mouth, that's my preference. The Red Lion is a good place to start."
Godley took a deep breath, picked up his gold Parker pen and pointed at his visitor.
"Here's another example," he went on, wagging the Parker as if it was his finger, "You can't run a business by being kind hearted. I admit that everyone needs to show a social conscience now and again - I gave fifty pence to a nice little girl guide in her uniform the other day - but you can't be expected to do it every day.
"And another example of my caring human side was when I tipped the waiter two quid the other night even though the fool had served up a steak that was completely undercooked. He said I'd ordered steak tartar. I said 'fuck that mate, I thought I'd ordered a steak starter. No, you bring me a piece of proper English beef. I hate anything French.'
"No, mate, showing a social conscience might be useful sometimes but a mean streak is essential. A mean streak means you stay ahead of the competition."
Godley scratched his head with the Parker and licked his drying lips. Nothing had passed his lips since lunchtime. It was now five o'clock according to his Rolex and the Red Lion beckoned. Not only that but he had left a six pack of Carling Black Label on the back seat of the Bentley downstairs. But he felt he had a duty to his silent visitor to give him a few more pearls of commercial wisdom. The man had sat in rapt attention for a good hour now and, as he was clearly up for more of the deeper side of Godley's business philosophy, he decided to continue on the same track
"And another thing about that old God," he went on, "I can't see him having a garden like mine, can you?" Godley stopped, suddenly realising he may have exhausted most of the religious side of his business philosophy.
"But, where was I?" he paused. "Ah, yes, explaining how I started and why I've been so successful. After all, you're here to learn." He leaned back in the swivel chair and glanced at the drinks cabinet in the corner.
"It's all down to hard work and perseverance," he said. "My vocation began with a vision, you know. Oh yes. And that vision started with just a few ideas jotted down on a blank sheet of paper. I can just imagine how that old God felt. Like me the poor sod couldn't have had much to go on. There were no examples to copy. It requires real flair and imagination to know how to start a business like this from scratch and, don't misunderstand me, I'm not referring to bloody garden gnomes any longer. But that's where it all started as my PowerPoint presentation will show.
"By the way. I hope you're n
ot in a hurry. It might take a while. We could always decamp to the Red Lion if it went on too long, but there's still much to explain. Are you a good listener?" Godley laughed. "I think so, you've hardly said a word so far. I like rapt attention. Will you be taking notes? I can see you're a lot older than me so I'm just wondering about your memory. Still got your marbles? Anyway, please yourself whether you take notes."
At that moment, the white phone on Godley's desk rang.
"Ah, that's my phone. No, don't get up, no need to wait outside the door. It's probably the foreman, Alan. He's in the factory at the back and wanting some direction and guidance. Now, you listen and learn how to deal with staff. This, pal, is personnel management in action. You just sit there."
Godley lifted the phone and winked at his visitor.
"Hello? Yes, I see. Fuck me. Is that really the time? I had no idea it was Friday, Alan, let alone five o'clock. Did you finish the order for pissing gnomes? Why the hell not? Run out of bloody dicks? Where is your stock control, man? They'd better be finished by eleven o'clock Monday or you'll be going without lunch. Yes, seven thirty start to make sure they're finished. How bloody long does it take to screw dicks into a ready-made hole in a piece of