by Lisa Heaton
He stopped and lowered the loppers. “I think the maddest I’ve ever been was when Kevin stepped out one morning before work and warned you not to overdo it with your knee so you could cook dinner.” Josh shook his head and half-growled. “I wanted to punch him in the jaw that day.”
The memory of that remark tumbled through her mind like heavy rocks. The day before she had overdone it and didn’t make dinner. Kevin had been furious with her for that, saying her job was to take care of him and Chloe, not to use up her energy on nonsense. He stormed out of the house and went to dinner alone, leaving her and Chloe to have cereal at home.
“I’m glad you didn’t punch him,” she said.
“All these years I’ve worried about you, that you weren't well cared for. I’ve prayed thousands of prayers for you.”
She pitched a handful of dead leaves into the bucket next to her. “You worried about me?”
“I did. He didn’t deserve a woman like you.”
“Kevin never saw what you see in me. To him, I was the one who ruined his plan.”
“What plan?”
“I got pregnant with Chloe my freshman year. I dropped out. He finished his last two years and went to law school at night. It just wasn’t what he planned.”
“You weren’t the only one to blame for that.”
“From the beginning he was miserable. I was the closest one to blame.”
“None of that excuses the way he treated you.”
“I know that now. Maybe I didn’t early on, but now I see it.”
They began working again, but Sophie couldn’t keep her mind on her task as she drifted back to those early years.
One afternoon when Kevin had come home and found her working in the yard, he had said, “If playing in the dirt was a job, maybe you could actually have a career.”
She didn’t respond, but it did spark an idea. He had always belittled her for not having finished her degree and said she would never be able to do anything of any value without one.
For the next few weeks she considered how she might make a career out of doing what she loved. Her friends all envied her peaceful garden, so her thought was to start her own business.
When she found the courage to voice her idea to Kevin, he had said, “Oh, good grief! That’s not a career, not like making a real difference in the world.” He had shaken his head and walked off. From then on she believed she had nothing of value to offer the world.
Sophie plopped down on the grass. “I was just thinking about how I once considered making a career out of this.”
“What, gardening?”
“Yeah. I haven’t thought about that in a long time.” She removed her glove and wiped her forehead. “Gardens make a difference to people. Being outdoors in God’s creation matters.”
“Sure, it matters. You say that like you’re just now figuring it out.”
“Maybe I am.” She sighed a soft sigh. “Thanks for giving me the job.”
He sat next to her. “Do you want to do more of this? We can work in the field more if you want. I know I have you on more administrative tasks than anything.”
“Surprisingly, no. When I was in school, back before Chloe, I wanted to be in business.”
“What kind of business?”
“I was too young to even know. I just envisioned myself as some executive in stiletto heels at a company.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, now I have the best of both worlds. I work in an office and am still able to help people have beautiful yards.”
“I guess you do have the best of both worlds.” He nudged her shoulder. “If you ever want to get out more, we will.”
“Honestly, being back out here in my yard, I see how personal this is for me. I’m not sure I would want to spend hours working in strangers’ gardens. If anything, I would do more at the office.”
“I know a guy who can make that happen.”
“Maybe you can put in a good word.”
“Maybe I can put in a great word.” He chuckled. “And if you ever want to wear stiletto heels to the office, that will rock my world.”
Her cheeks were on fire, not from his words but the look in his eyes as he sat grinning at her. She couldn’t hold his gaze any longer.
He said, “How about you feed me blueberry muffins? I haven’t eaten.”
She stood. “You’re on.”
Josh stood with her. “You go on in. I need to get something from the truck.”
Sophie went in, made a fresh pot of coffee, and defrosted the muffins. By the time Josh came back, she had his breakfast waiting.
“Want some bacon and french toast?”
“No thanks. Muffins are fine. I’m easy to please.”
She noticed he had a small book in hand, an old one with dog-eared pages, yellowed over time. “What do you have there?”
“I’ve been trying to decide if I want to show you this.”
“Now you have to.”
“I don’t mean show it to you. I mean tell you about it. It’s pretty personal.”
He just stood looking at the book, occasionally glancing back up at Sophie.
“After a few days of working for you, I started writing things down, things you said and taught me.” He tapped the cover with his finger. “This is proof that being outdoors matters, digging your hands into the soil with God.” He hesitated. “It mattered to me, Sophie.”
Josh shrugged. “Drake has listened to me talk about all this for years now.” He looked at her and then back down. “About you. He says maybe my holding on to the past and all that you taught me is my way of never connecting with anyone now, to keep other women at arm’s length.”
“Do you think that’s true?”
“I’ve considered it, especially before running into you that day. These past years, I’ve looked at the entries in this journal as a way of staying connected to you. Back then, when I left, you thought I was sad about leaving home. Nothing could have been further from the truth. I was so ready to get out of there.” He began flipping the pages until he found what he was looking for. “I didn’t want to leave you.”
Sophie moved to sit on a stool, unsure of how to respond.
“May I read something to you?”
“Please do.”
He moved to sit next to her. “Sophie says you have to water dry ground before you try to pull weeds. It seems counterintuitive to water weeds, but once the soil is moist, it’ll turn the weed loose so much easier.
“It’s the same with sin in our lives. We need to soak up Living Water daily in order to turn loose those things that hinder us.”
Josh looked up at her. “I didn’t much understand this back then. It was over a year later before I turned back to this page. I was dealing with some issues.” He paused and rubbed his forehead. “I was angry all the time, explosive kind of angry. I was getting up in people’s faces and making threats. I blew up over most anything. Then your words came to mind, about how I needed to soak my soil with Living Water.
“That was the first time in college that I picked up a Bible. I read and tried to figure it all out.” He opened the book again to that page and grinned. “I’ll just let you peek.” He held the book out for her to see.
“At the top of each page are your words. Then below it are the observations I’ve written the many times I’ve returned to this page. Not every page has this many entries, but this one sure does. I’ve returned to this one a hundred times regarding many sins.”
The depth of his admission and vulnerability gave her chills. “What have you uncovered?”
“In part my anger stems from my relationship with my dad. I spent most of my life trying to please him. I rarely did unless I was scoring a touchdown.” He sighed a soft sigh. “But I don’t think that’s what I was dealing with in school or even these past few years.”
“What do you think it was?”
“It was that I had to leave you, that I never even had a chance with you. I realized that I didn’t l
ose you but that I never had you to begin with, and that seemed so unfair. That was even worse to me than having and losing. I didn’t think I would ever be a part of your life again. I was convinced that I would always have to wonder and worry about you.
“After your divorce especially, you can’t imagine how many times I wanted to come by here to check on you. I had all these excuses in my head of what I might say to you: that I was in the neighborhood for an estimate or that I just wanted to see how your yard was looking. But it all sounded too contrived.
“I kept remembering the way you looked at me that last day I was here. You felt sorry for me.” He reached out and took her hand. “That’s not how you look at me now.”
She shook her head. “No, I don’t look at you that way at all.”
“The same morning I ran into you at the coffee shop, I had considered stopping by your place. After all these years I still come back here in my mind.” He gave her hand a squeeze. “To you, I come back here to you.”
Tears formed in Sophie’s eyes. “Josh…” She wasn’t sure what to say in response. His words were so tender and raw that she feared anything she said might wound him.
“Just hear me out, okay?”
She nodded.
“When I walked into that coffee shop and you were sitting there, I knew without a doubt this was my one chance. I’m fighting for that chance. I know you’re scared. I know this past year has been traumatic. All that he did was traumatic. But you can’t allow fear to direct your future. You can’t allow something as meaningless as age to get in the way of a good thing.”
He stood. “I said I would give you the weekend, and I will. I won’t pressure you. I just needed to state my case with a little more flair than last night.
“I’ll go now and let you enjoy your weekend.”
Sophie was left sitting with her thoughts, her tangled and outrageous thoughts. She was considering saying yes.
Early Monday morning, Sophie arrived at work barely on time. An accident on the interstate had left her sitting in traffic for over an hour. Every inch she traveled only made her stomach flutter more. She hadn’t heard from Josh on Sunday. For some reason she had expected to, but he had done what he said and left her alone to think.
Now, walking up the steps to the office, she was outright sick to her stomach. Inside the entryway she found Josh's office empty and sighed with relief. When she turned to enter her office, she found a bud vase with a single purple tulip on her desk and a card that said, “The weekend is over. Paleeeze?!”
She grinned and reached out to touch the bulb. The year he had worked for her, that was the first thing to explode with color, her purple tulips. His thoughtfulness gave her more cause for concern. A guy like that would be easy to love. The last thing she wanted to do was love Josh. What woman ten years older than him would be crazy enough to fall in love? A man who looked like Josh could never remain satisfied with a woman who would grow only more noticeably older. He was too young to know what aging felt like. It wasn’t real to him yet.
His calling her from the back of the building shook her from her thoughts.
“Sophie, we’re starting!”
Sophie walked into the conference room without making eye contact with anyone. “Sorry. Traffic was a nightmare.”
“No problem,” Josh said as he tried to get her attention.
Out of the corner of her eye, she saw him keep looking at her, but she pretended not to notice. The meeting went fast, and she stood when Rodney and Justine did.
“Will you stay behind, Sophie?”
She sat again without looking at him.
Once they were alone, he said, “I’m sorry I’ve made you this uncomfortable. I take back my offer.”
He stood to go, but she remained seated. When she didn’t move, he went to the door and closed it. “Say something!”
“I don’t want to mess this up,” she said.
“We won’t mess this up.”
“I love my job.”
“I love you working here.” He sat next to her and took her hand. “I won’t bother you about this again. All that stuff I said Saturday about me taking a chance,” he waved his hands in the air. “Just forget all that. I was talking crazy. You being here is enough for me. I won’t risk you leaving because I’m harassing you.”
“I’m not leaving.”
He stood and hesitated a minute. “We won’t let this get awkward. I’ll be more professional.” Without another word he left her sitting there.
By the time she got back to her office, Josh was gone. Since she had started at the company, that was the first time he had gone on an estimate without her. He was hurt by her rejection, and she could hardly blame him. If anyone knew what rejection felt like, she did.
Justine came to stand in her doorway. “Avery didn’t show up this morning. I didn’t want to mention it in front of Josh. He was in a weird mood anyway.”
“Are you busy this morning?” Sophie said.
“I have two deliveries that I need to get checked in and no one to work the floor.”
“Let me lock up in here. I’ll be there in just a minute to help.”
“That’s not what I meant. You don’t have to help out.”
“Have to?” Sophie looked out the window at the sunshine. “I want to.”
“Then I’ll see you in a few.”
***
Josh wheeled into the parking lot of the deli hoping to find Drake there prepping for the lunch crowd. Drake’s car was around back but the front door was locked. Josh knocked and waited.
“Hey, man.” Drake said as he opened the door.
Rather than going inside, Josh took a step back, jammed his hands into his front pockets, and rocked back and forth on his heels. “I’ve messed it up. I went too fast, and now I think I’ve blown my chance with Sophie.”
“She said no to the date, huh?”
“Not no, but she never answered. That’s answer enough. Now this morning she’s acting distant.” Josh shook his head. “Well, maybe not distant but uncomfortable. I’ve put her in a bad position.
“This job means so much to her. I think she’s afraid of upsetting me and losing it.” He flung his arms in the air, his hands coming to rest on his head. “What’s wrong with me? I should have known better.”
Drake leaned against Josh’s truck. “I’ll admit, the day you told me you hired her, I didn’t think you stood a chance with her, but the other night changed my mind.”
“Yeah, how’s that?”
“I saw how she looked at you when you weren’t looking, especially later in the night. I think she was more than flattered to see you were interested.”
“When she didn’t move her hand away when I held it, I took that as a good sign. I knew better, but next thing I knew I was asking her out.”
Josh propped his elbows on the truck and closed his eyes. “I mean, it’s just like back then. I feel just as much for her now.” He turned and stared at Drake a few seconds. “I still know now what I’ve known since the first day I met her: she’s the one for me.”
Drake’s eyes narrowed as he gave Josh a thoughtful look. Josh had seen the look enough to know Drake was on the verge of going deep. That’s what launched their connection all those years ago. Both were searching for something authentic from their faith and neither wanted to settle for superficial relationships, with others or with God.
“I hear you, brother,” Drake said, “and I know your feelings run deep, so it’s easy to get caught up in the emotion of this new hope after all these years.” He paused and shook his head. “Thing is, most of what I just heard you say are all “I” statements. It’s all about how you feel. Josh, you’ve spent all this time invested in a relationship she didn’t even know she was a part of. She needs time to catch up. Before she can, I’m sure she needs more time to adjust to this new life she’s living.
“I mean, she gave half of her life to a guy who walked out on her. That can’t be easy to recover from. You know
it won’t happen overnight. You just need to give her some time.”
Drake slapped Josh’s shoulder. “Don’t give up, but don’t pressure her either.”
“What if it’s too late because I’ve asked her out already? What if she leaves work because I’ve made her uncomfortable?”
“When you get back to the office, just apologize and tell her you’re interested in her, but you understand you’ve moved too fast.” Drake shrugged. “Then step back and give her some breathing room.”
“That’s good advice.”
Drake nodded and started for the front door. “I know. I’m a smart guy.” He stopped and turned back. “Don’t mess up movie night for the rest of us. I like her cooking.”
“Movie night wasn’t really a thing.”
“It can be. It can be something that builds a bridge.”
Josh nodded. “You’re smart alright.”
“That’s why we are who we are to each other. I’m smart enough to slow you down, and you’re pushy enough to urge me on – balance.”
Drake went back inside, leaving Josh to ponder the wisdom of his friend’s words. He had a way of simplifying what Josh could so easily complicate. Since the night they first met in a men’s group, this friendship and brotherhood had been a stabilizing force for them both. Where Josh lived life at full speed, Drake wavered in most areas of his personal life.
Josh climbed into his truck and considered going back to the office. He was still embarrassed over their morning together and wasn’t yet sure what to say, so he decided to wait. He would work out in the field for the day and talk to Sophie when he got back. That would give him time to figure it out.
Chapter Seven
The morning had flown by. With deliveries of perennials to unload from the large rolling racks, Sophie had plenty to keep her busy. Her phone often rang, so that kept her from making as much progress as she had hoped. She spent more time with Justine than she ever had, and just as Josh had described her, Justine was like a burst of sunshine.
It was lunchtime when Avery arrived. Sophie could see the girl’s surprise to find her there working in the nursery.