Patience spoke first. “I’m so sorry, Jeremy. What an enormous loss.”
He led her back to the chair she’d been sitting in. He pulled another one close to sit beside her and took her hand. “It is, Patience. And it is not just the loss of income.”
“Oh, I know. There might be lives lost. It shall be good to receive a full report.” She looked at Mary, shaking her head.
Jeremy turned to his brother. “Reverend Youngs did not give you all of the information in the letter, Barn.”
Barnabas raised his brows. “He did not?”
“No, he gave you the account of what happened, but he did not tell you that my attorney has requested I return to Mowsley immediately.”
Patience gasped, and Mosh jumped to his feet.
Jeremy squeezed her hand. “There is nothing I can do, and this was totally unforeseeable. I am so sorry, my love.”
Lizzie and Mary began to cry, and tears began flooding Patience’s cheeks, which reddened by the minute. “You cannot go,” she said.
Her crystal-blue eyes searched his, and his heart tore. “I must. I see no other way.”
She sobbed loudly now. “But they shall write to you again, and they will tell you everything. You can send letters of comfort to cheer them. You can send money to rebuild. Why would you go there?” Lizzie and Mary put their arms around her and peered at Jeremy with looks that asked the same question.
His throat was rough when he tried to answer, and it felt like he had a plum pit caught in it. He swallowed hard. “It will take a great deal of money to rebuild, and I can authorize my attorney to provide funds, but who would oversee the reconstruction? Elliot Gibson died. It’s not the money. Many people are either dead or without their homes. Food is scarce—and medicine, too. I employed many faithful people who worked hard to make the estate prosperous. I don’t even know what I shall find once I get there. I have to go now.”
Barnabas cradled his head in his hands and ran his fingers through his white hair. He looked up, his forehead creased with concern. “How long will you be gone? Shall I send Caleb or Joshua with you?”
“I cannot say when I’ll return here. To restore the Horton estate could take years. Truly, until I get there, I don’t know what the situation will be. If I need Caleb or Joshua, I will send for them. There’s something I must share with you.” He looked each of them in the eye, one at a time. “When I survived the wreck of The Swallow, I felt ’twas not fair to those who lost their lives that I lived. I asked God if He’d spared me for a reason. Somehow, that made it easier to bear—to think I’d lived for a noble cause. But I’ve not been able to see what it was God spared me for, though at first I believed it was to support the troop in New Amsterdam. But now I know. This terrible devastation is why I am still alive. Can you not see? This is what I’m meant to do, and truly there is no one else to do it.”
Mary brushed back Patience’s hair and turned her chin upward so she could look in her eyes. “May Lizzie and I take you home? I think we all need some sleep. Everything shall look better in the morning, or at least we’ll be stronger with some sleep.” She looked at Jeremy. “I understand what you are saying, but it doesn’t make this any easier for any of us. I think we should walk her home, and you both can talk in the morning. Come, Mosh, you come, too.”
He took Patience in his arms and kissed her wet eyes and then her lips. “Go get some rest. I will come to you in the morning.” He watched the ladies leave with Mosh and then turned to Barnabas.
His brother sat with his head resting in his hand, and he looked sideways at Jeremy. “That was difficult.”
“It all is, Barn. I don’t know what else I can do, do you?”
“No. But you must ask her to go with you. She’s loved you for a long time, Jeremy. You can’t just leave her. Tell her to come with you. Marry her and take her with you.”
Jeremy looked Barn in the eye. “I will do that. Thank you. Excellent. Why did I not say that to her? Of course.” He walked over and clapped his brother on the back.
Barnabas stood. “Now, let’s make a pallet for you, and you can sleep on our floor like you did in the early days.”
“If that means getting up and breaking my fast in your kitchen, I am all for it.”
Mary came home late, and he listened as she went up the stairs to the room she shared with Barn. How thankful he was that Mary and Lizzie had been with Patience tonight, but in the morning he’d go ask her to come with him. She would be so happy to know they could be together. He was, too. It was a blow to know he must go to Mowsley, and it gave him a lonely, empty feeling. But the moment Barn had said Patience should go with him, the pain had lifted.
Patience could not sleep during the night, and though the morning sun streamed through the windowpane, hot and insistent, still she did not rise. It hurt to open her eyes, so swollen and crusted with dried tears they were. Lizzie had wanted to stay with her, but she’d emphatically told her to go. Now she missed her.
Mosh came to lick her hand, and she pushed herself up to sit on the edge of the bed and hugged his neck. Jeremy had said he would come to talk with her today. And she knew already she would beg him once again to stay. But if he refused, she could bear no more.
She rose and went to her pitcher of water and poured it into the bowl. She washed and then slipped into a blue silk dress. She brushed her hair and twisted it into her combs. Whenever she looked at the combs he’d given her so long ago, she saw his handsome face.
Mosh followed her down the stairs, and she set some meat down for him, but her own stomach clenched, and the thought of eating was unappealing. She paced until he finished, and then the two went out to the thirsty garden. She went to the well, forgetting an apron to cover her pretty dress, and hauled up a bucket of water. After giving Mosh his drink, she lugged it over to her flowerbed. Some of the blooms perked up at the dousing, but most were too far spent.
She went back for another bucket, and as she drew it up, a strong arm reached in front of her and eased the load. She held her breath. Jeremy. She didn’t move.
He set the bucket down. “Patience, I am so sorry. Come, let’s sit on the bench and talk. No, we should go inside where it might be cooler.” He led her by her hand, and she did not resist.
They sat in her parlor, and she wept when he began to speak. She shook her head and pleaded with her eyes for him to stop. It took a moment, but she worked to regain her composure and put her hand to her lips until they stopped trembling. After what seemed like forever, she told him what she had to say. “Please do not leave. Yesterday I gave you all of the reasons you should stay, except for one. I love you. Stay. Please, I beg of you.”
He sat there looking at her, his mouth set as if he was going to say something but held it back. He looked at his hands clutched together in his lap. He extended his fingers out like a steeple. Finally he looked at her again. “I have to go, Patience.”
“No! You don’t have to.”
He shook his head. “Hear me out. I have to go, but here it is. I want you to go with me. Come to Mowsley with me.”
She sat like a stone statue. “I cannot.”
“Yes, you can. We can be married before we go. Everything will be all right. We will be together. Is that not what you want?”
She looked out the window. Everything looked so ordinary. A blue sky, white clouds, tree limbs moving in a gentle breeze. How could he be suggesting something so absurd?
“I could never leave here, Jeremy. You must know that. How could you even suggest that?”
“Because of Mary and Lizzie? We could come back someday. If not to live, to visit. I would see to that.”
“’Tis not that, though it certainly is one of the things that pains me.” Her tears began to flow again. “I cannot get on a ship. Never again. I can’t.” She threw herself into his arms, and he sat in the chair, his arms wrapped around her, rocking her.
“Ah, there now. Of course you can get on a ship, and I will be there, right by your side. Com
e with me.”
She buried her face in his shoulder. “Jeremy, you said you loved me, and if you do, you shan’t make me say no to you. You would stay, and we would be married. If you love me, stay.”
He pushed her gently away and brought himself to his feet. “I will not stay, Patience. I want you to come with me, but if you won’t, I still must go. There is no other way.”
She stared at him with tears running down her cheeks, but no more sobs. She strode to the door and opened it wide. Mosh cowered by the hearth, unwilling to move. She reached up and pulled the combs from her hair. “Then go. But I must tell you, I shall put you from my mind from this day forward. I cannot continue on a path of ups and downs, hellos and goodbyes. One minute I think I shall have you for the rest of my life, the next you are gone for ‘just one more time.’ I cannot live this way, so I choose to live without you.” She held out the combs. “Take these. I no longer can look at them.”
He gazed at her, and something broke within her. But she could not do again what she’d always done before. She placed them in his hand and stood aside from the door. He left without a word.
35
September 8, 1665
Southold
The searing heat was relentless. Every family member worked to save the crops, and Patience appreciated the chance to work in the fields with Mary. She buried herself in the never-ending labor. Jeremy was the only Horton who was not out in the fields.
She overheard he was arranging passage and packing his few belongings for Mowsley. Barnabas said it was good Jeremy had always kept some of his money with the banker in Southold, because everything on The Swallow had been lost, and Mary answered that she was sure he’d have bought his brother’s passage if need be.
Mr. Timms at the livery mentioned Jeremy had been going out to see Harry almost daily. But other than that, no one spoke to her of him. While happy would not be a word she would use to describe herself right now, she was glad they refrained from questioning her.
In the evenings, her muscles ached, she was bone-tired, and though it was hard to drift into sleep, when it came, she slept soundly. This evening she was particularly worn out, and Mary offered to walk home with her.
“Do I look tired, Mary?”
“You do. But there is something I must ask you, and I’d rather not ask you here.”
The heat made her head ache, and she longed to be alone. She watched the sun slip low on the horizon. Dark treetops stood out against the orange glow. Soon the sun would dip low enough to ease the swelter of the day. “Of course, Mary. Walk with me.”
They strolled in silence most of the way along the green to Patience’s house. Mosh trotted behind them. Mary was the first to speak. “Jeremy shall leave tomorrow. He sails from Hallock’s Landing.”
Patience could not look at her. “I do not wish to hear of his going. Surely you understand.”
They continued in silence, until they entered the parlor. As Mary sat in a chair, she laughed. “Do you remember how you were so infatuated with Barney when you were young, and I was so upset when we all came to Long Island because you flirted so with him?”
Patience’s cheeks flamed. “I was horrible, Mary. How did you ever forgive me?”
“Ah, you were young, and in the end I could not blame you for loving my Barney. And we became dearest friends, did we not?”
“Truest of friends, Mary.” Her eyes were stinging as she fought to keep her tears in check.
“Then you need to listen to me. Go with Jeremy. Reverend Youngs would marry you in the morning before you board the ship. On the morrow, put on your wedding dress and just go, Patience. We love you too much to ask you to stay on our account.”
“’Tis not that. I told Jeremy that is not what holds me back. I fear the ship. I quake at the thought of stepping onto one. I am a wreck even thinking of Jeremy getting back on a ship. I’d much rather he build them. If he loved me, he would stay here and do just that. He’d never step on another ship again.”
Mary absently twisted a lock of hair that fell across her forehead. “He does love you, that I know. And I love both of you. This is not right to let this come between you.”
Patience suddenly noticed how dark the room was, and she stood to light the candles on the hearth. “It is not right, but it is Jeremy who is wrong. He has put me through so much, for so long, and now he will leave me again.”
Mary forced a small laugh, and Patience wondered if she was trying to make light of everything.
“I mean it. He is the one in the wrong. He is the one who could make everything right.”
Mary shook her head. “No, prithee, I was only thinking. Have you ever noticed in life that men do what they want to do, and we women are the ones left with the difficult choices to make? And often ’tis not really even a choice.”
“What are you saying?”
“Only that Jeremy has decided to go to Mowsley. And now you have a choice to make. Go with him or stay. If you love him, there really is no choice, is there? You must go.”
Patience blew out the rush she’d used to light the candles and set it down. “Do you know what I truly feel right now? Would that he’d drowned when The Swallow sank and threw him into the ocean.” Her throat ached, and the pain went straight to her heart.
Mary sprang from her chair. “No, Patience, you do not mean that. You cannot say that!”
“Why, yes I can, Mary. It would have been easier if he’d never come back.” There, she’d said it. Because it was true. To have him back in her life had proved disastrous to her heart. So he could leave, but she never wanted to see him again. Or even speak of him.
“I can see I should go. But I hope tonight you think and pray about what you just said. There is still time to do the right thing.” She bent to Mosh and petted his soft head, then turned for the door.
“Yes, there is, and Jeremy could say he will be here forever for me. Those are the only words I should like to hear him say. And since he has told me himself that he will not stay, I shall not spend another minute waiting to hear those words. Good night, Mary.”
She could not bear Mary’s sad hazel-blue eyes so she turned away as her dearest friend let herself out.
She curled up on the sofa, not caring to tread the stairs and climb into her bed. She covered her head with her arms and tried to hide the world away. Jeremy would leave tomorrow and be out of her life forever. Why was there a tiny piece of her heart that wished him to come to her and say he would stay? She wanted him gone. She wanted to get on with her life. She prayed her heart would heal around that tiny speck and seal it away.
It was a small gathering at the meetinghouse the next morning. Reverend Youngs held a special service to offer prayers for Jeremy and the people suffering in Mowsley because of the fire. No one wanted to see him leave, and his family and friends were somber. But everyone supported his decision to go. Everyone except Patience, and she was not there.
Benjamin and Anna gave him a blanket as a gift, and his nephew told him he would be back in Winter Harbor on the morrow to help old Harry finish the ship.
Mary’s girls gave him small gifts of oranges and crystalized ginger. Lizzie and Mary gave him a hand-stitched leather jacket with fringe. He noticed they kept glancing at the door as if they expected Patience at any minute. She wouldn’t come. He’d heard it in the trill of her voice when she’d told him to go.
Joshua Hobart was back in town and came to say farewell. Jeremy found it slightly odd that he’d returned at the precise time Jeremy was leaving, but the man was cordial and genuine when he said his goodbyes. When he expressed his concern for Patience, Jeremy pretended not to hear and withdrew to the back of the room to tell Barnabas that it was time to board the ship. His trunk had been deposited by Benjamin and Caleb on the ship, and with so few things to carry, he insisted he preferred to walk down to the dock by himself.
He walked down the road to Hallock’s Landing. The Merrilee was a three-masted schooner, much like Harry’s. It docked in
the same spot Barnabas and Mary had come to many years ago aboard the whaling ship that carried the thirteen original families. He’d been in and out of this port many times on The Swallow.
He had the same urge Mary and Lizzie had had in the meetinghouse to turn and look for Patience. How he’d wrestled with himself the whole of last night. Could he stay? No. How could he leave her? His steps were heavy as he trudged to the ship that would take him away from her forever. He must keep walking. Up the plank. He must do this.
He could offer his services to the shipmaster. He knew the myriad duties required to get the ship underway. But he was barely even aware when they hoisted the sails, and when the wind caught them, he was deaf to the flap of sailcloth. He stood affixed to the rail, and his eyes searched for a tall blond woman with sparkling blue eyes to come rushing to dockside. The fact that no one appeared could not keep him from looking again even as the ship sailed out of port and the shoreline faded. He grasped the rail until his knuckles turned white. It took all his strength to keep from jumping from the ship and swimming to shore.
He was still standing there when they headed for the high seas. His hat was tucked under his arm, and the wind ruffled his hair. The pain of knowing he’d never hold her again tore at his heart, but as much as he hurt, she hurt, too, and for that he was sorry. He thought of Reverend Hobart. He seemed to appear at all the right times, and he knew she could love again before the frost was on the roses if she would allow him into her life. Joshua would be a good man for her, certainly better for her than he’d ever been. It was a bitter elixir to swallow, but what could he expect?
His eyes stung as he picked up his bundle and went in search of his quarters. It would be a long voyage. When he settled in his cabin, he knelt at his bunk. He prayed that Patience would find comfort; he prayed he would find strength and purpose in returning to Mowsley; and he prayed The Merrilee would have a safe and speedy voyage.
It was another sleepless night, but the morning broke clear, with a strong easterly wind. It seemed God was answering his prayer, and he was encouraged enough to seek out the captain of the ship and offer his assistance in whatever way was needed.
To Follow Her Heart Page 22