Ezra moved slowly toward me, his hands up in surrender. “This isn’t how I want things. We were starting to understand each other, and now we’re here. I was taking care of your mother in the emergency room, and what happened? Did I do something to upset you?”
“Hello. You’re holding me here against my will. That’s pretty upsetting.”
Ezra squinted his left eye at me, sizing me up. “Mason, Finn, why don’t you two go get something to eat? October and I need to have a few words.”
Finn strolled past, clapping me twice on my good shoulder, no doubt thrilled Ezra hadn’t laid into him yet. Mason followed after, avoiding my penitent gaze.
21
The Monster you think I am
“Are you hungry, October Grace?” Ezra inquired politely, as though there had never been any tension between us. He’d given me the privacy to call Ollie for a few minutes, but it did little to diffuse the fuming that clenched my jaw. “I can ask Lynna to make you whatever you like.”
“I can cook for myself in my own home,” I answered, reminding him that diplomacy wouldn’t be enough to diffuse our fight. I extended my arm, clenching my fist. “Now take this thing off me and let me go.” My eye caught on the red dripping from the scabs on my arms, and I gasped without meaning to.
“Yes, it’s bad, isn’t it?” Ezra looked forlornly at my hands and arms, as if the scratches hurt him just as much as they stung me. “I daresay sometimes you may not even realize you’re doing it. I’ve been through quite the ordeal with your mother. I might have some insight on why you’re hurting yourself, and why she was the way she was.”
“Huh? ‘Was’? What are you talking about?”
“You’ve been carrying the sagrado stone through Silo, correct?”
“Yeah.”
He turned and extended his elbow to me, silently asking if he could escort me like a gentleman. I was having a hard time getting a read on this guy. “Let’s sit at the table. Let me dress your wounds while I tell you all that you’ve missed on your little adventure.”
“Thanks, but I’m all bloody. I don’t want to ruin your nice clothes.” I walked next to him instead of holding onto his arm. Everything felt weird here. The second I decided he was a bad guy, he acted all civil, making my head spin.
When we reached the conference room used for council meetings, Ezra pulled a chair out for me, calling Lynna to bring him the first aid kit. He was polite and thought through his words before they birthed from his serene mouth. He was the picture of decorum, and I was a harried mess. “Your mother signed herself into a psychiatric facility after they released her from the hospital. Oliver’s going through quite the shock himself.”
I leaned my elbow on the long oval table. “Just so you know, nothing of what you’re saying makes a lick of sense to me.”
Ezra took the kit from Lynna, thanked her and shut the door to give us privacy. “I’m sorry. Let me start from the beginning. The sagrado stone has many magical properties, but it was never meant to be touched. Hence, why it turns people into stone.”
Of course Ezra would say “hence” like it belonged in normal conversation. “Sure. That much I get.”
“You, Oliver and Allison are immune to the dangers of touching the stone because of the rare magic in your blood. Bev, however, doesn’t have magic in her. She’s purely human. While the stone doesn’t turn humans into rock, I’m learning that it does warp their minds the longer they’re around it. You all lived with the stone in your trailer for years, and from what I understand, Bev had the most contact with it.”
“That’s true. When I was younger, Ollie boarded up the door to our room, so we got in and out through the window. It wasn’t until we moved out that I started using the front door to visit her once a week. The stone was in her part of the trailer, not ours.”
“And Oliver and Allison didn’t visit her, did they?” He rolled up his sleeves and started cleaning the scrapes on my arms. I was embarrassed, and retracted my hands. “October Grace, you’re cut. Please let me help you. I’m not the monster you think I am.”
It took a few starts and stops, but eventually my arms landed on the table, though I couldn’t look at him as he cleaned my cuts. It was too nice, too paternal. I swallowed a lump in my throat and went back to the conversation. “Ollie and Allie didn’t go back after we moved out. They both swore they’d never set foot in the trailer ever again. When we found Bev last week, it was the first time Ollie had been inside the trailer since we moved out.”
Light fell on Ezra as I confirmed something for him. “I suspected as much. Oliver’s so put together. You’d never guess at the things that haunted him. I would venture to say that Allison’s much the same, unaffected now in her adult life. She escaped the torment that held onto you and keeps Bev prisoner.”
“Affected by what?” I asked, staring at my jeans.
“Affected by the stone’s magic. It was never around humans, so we don’t have the data to study. But over the last few days I’ve been watching Bev, listening to Oliver and putting pieces together to make sense of the mess you grew up in.”
I swallowed the lump in my throat. “Thanks, but I’ve been in therapy before. I already know why I am the way I am.”
“Ah, but there’s more to it than you like things clean because you were born into a mess. And there’s far more to these cuts on your arms than the pain inside being too much to handle.”
I jerked my hands back. “Don’t psychoanalyze me. I’m not your science experiment.”
“Of course, dear. Apologies.” Ezra waited for me to set my arms back on the table before he continued cleaning them. “This isn’t your fault,” he said quietly, drawing a roll of gauze out of the kit.
My voice was quiet, and I felt very far away from reality. It was almost like we were in a cave, and no one could hear my confessions. “Yes, it is. I cut myself. No one else did. It’s my fault.”
He held up my hands so I could see the marks I’d dug. “This isn’t your fault.”
“I make sure the pain’s my fault. I can control that. I can live in something if I can control a little piece of it.”
Ezra dropped my hands, leaned forward and crushed me to him in a hug that felt like being dunked underwater.
I wiggled out of his hug before it could make me tear up. “I’m fine. I don’t need that like you think I do. I can handle myself.”
Ezra straightened, composing himself. “It’s not your fault, these cuts. It’s the stone.”
I sighed at his explanation, dubious. “Look. No disrespect to your awesome connection with Bev, but I know exactly why I am the way I am, and it’s got nothing to do with any old doorstop.”
Ezra ignored my sass. “Since you took the sagrado stone out of the trailer, Bev’s been slowly coming out of her fog. It took a while since she’s been nonstop poisoned by it for decades. She can see your brother clearly now. She can see herself clearly. It’s why she checked herself into the facility. She’s afraid of what she might do to herself now that she can feel the guilt of all she put you three through. The stone warped her mind. You taking the stone to Silo did her a great favor. She’d never been away from it for that long. The longer she’s far, far away from it, the more she can heal – become the person she truly was before her mind was poisoned. She took a long time to come out of her fog, but it’s lifting.” He pointed to my arms. “You’ve had direct contact with the stone for several days straight, and look at what it’s done to your mind. You’re slowly being warped by it.”
I churned this logic over in my brain. “Then why didn’t it hit me this hard when I was walking through Sakuna? I was holding it then, too, and I only started going off the rails when my meds wore out.”
“You had your Pullers, if you recall. They kept things in step. Almost like an extra dose of your medication.”
My frown couldn’t be helped; it was all so strange when filtered through Ezra’s new logic. “And you think Bev’s been warped by the stone? I took it to Ter
raway, so she started to heal?”
“That’s exactly right.”
I shook my head as Ezra finished wrapping my arms. “You’re trying to explain away years of abuse by blaming it on a rock. I get that you want to be with her, and that she’s going through some sort of mental breakdown, but it can’t be as simple as shifting the blame to an inanimate object. Life doesn’t work that way.”
“I assure you, Bev is taking full responsibility for her actions, perhaps more than she should. It’s why she’s in a facility where she can be monitored, and where I plan on going back to after you’re settled in here.”
I raised my hands to fend off the lecture I could smell coming like a stinky piece of old chicken. “I’ll go check in on her and see how she’s doing. Promise. Trust me, no matter what her mental state’s been, I never turned my back on her.”
“Oh, you’re not going to be able to visit your mother until that bracelet comes off. Not for at least a couple days.”
“You’re joking.” I stood and backed away from the table, glaring down at him.
“I assure you, I’m not. I care about your feelings in this, of course, but I’m in charge of the Terraway events that occur Topside. You absconding with the stone is cause for concern. What if you did it again? What if you ran off with Captain Finn, of all people, and got yourself killed? Aside from my personal grief, Terraway would never recover if the stone was lost and the most powerful Omen gone. It would leave Mariang to reap for the whole of Terraway, which she cannot survive.”
Anger flooded through me that this was the reason he was holding me hostage. I took a steadying breath so my words weren’t tainted with aggression. “Good to have all the cards on the table finally. Yes, I know you and the whole friggin’ world would gladly throw me to the wolves if it would save Mariang. You’ll happily shove me in harm’s way, putting more than double the workload on me if it saves her.”
I stared up at the ceiling as Ezra spluttered. I tried to collect my anger that seemed to swing out like a punch with no conscience. This wasn’t me. I don’t know what my deal was.
I took a few steadying breaths before continuing. “Don’t get me wrong, I like her a lot. I get why she’s worth saving, and I’m doing all I can.” Emotion resounded in my words that I wished I could iron out, but it all welled up in me without any chance of coming out in a nicely put-together box. “Just once, I want a dad to care about me. I want any parent in the world to want good things for me that have nothing to do with beauty pageants, saving the world or furthering an agenda. I want someone to stop me when I volunteer to jump off a cliff to save someone else’s life. Not because they need me for another job, but because they love me!” Stupid, disgusting tears fell down my cheeks, and I wished for about five more hours of sleep to be able to fend off such annoying meltdowns. “Boy, did you have me fooled. I thought you were that guy. I thought you were that dad.”
Ezra was on his feet, and before I could defend myself, he wrapped me in a tight hug, squeezing me with passion to match my heightened hysteria. “I’m sorry, sweetheart. I’m so sorry. You’re right. I was focused on the mission, on the job.”
I pounded my fist into his chest, expecting him to let go. He didn’t let go, but held me, which only confused me in my already turned around state. “You were supposed to be the dad who reads the paper and says things like ‘those darn kids are cutting across my lawn.’ You’re not supposed to let me get locked in a dungeon! You’re not supposed to let me get mind-warped by a rock! You’re not supposed to let me anywhere near something this dangerous!”
Ezra didn’t loosen his grip, even when I yelled for him to let me go. He didn’t stop holding me even when I cried all over his perfect dress shirt. He gripped me too tight, held on too long and was far too understanding of the crazy woman who couldn’t stop blubbering all over him. Even after I quieted to sniffles and silent sobs, he leaned my head to his chest, unashamed of the mess that was the best I could do.
“I can do better,” he promised. “You’re absolutely right. I haven’t spent enough time with you to be able to send you off on a dangerous mission without giving you cause to feel this way. I do care for you. Give me time. I can learn if you’re patient enough to teach me.”
I couldn’t believe he wasn’t yelling back. He was gentle and kind as he held me, and I didn’t understand any of it. I kept my mouth shut and simply held onto his shirt, scared of what might happen if I let go. “I’m sorry I’m being mean. I get that you’re in a tough spot.”
Ezra pulled a handkerchief out of his pocket. He didn’t hand it to me, but dabbed at my cheeks, sweeping away my embarrassment as he kissed the top of my head. “How about we get you something to eat, yeah? Then you can tell me all about your time with Captain Finn in Silo. Not to strategize, but just to tell me about your trip to a new world. Would that be alright?”
“Really? You’re not mad at me for yelling?”
“How about you and I stop being afraid of making each other angry. I’m in your life, October Grace. I’m marrying your mother, and I’m involved in your work life. I’m sure this won’t be our last fight.” He texted Lynna with one hand while the other remained around me. “Have a seat, darling. Take a breath and tell me everything.”
22
Just a Little Taste
I couldn’t believe Ezra didn’t once bring up work stuff regarding the stone while we ate dinner together in the conference room, just the two of us. Since he was making such an effort, I threw him a bone, letting him know where we’d dropped it, and the ensuing battle that had taken place.
I may have taken my participation in the battle completely out of the dressed-up PG version I told Ezra.
He had a great many clipped questions about the war, none of which I was all that eager to answer. I mean, sure, the zombies were dead. I’d killed a fair few of them. I still wasn’t sure how that resonated with my conscience that felt tossed around inside of me. I couldn’t feel with my moral compass which way was up, and which was very, very down. I was pretty evasive on the gory stuff and told him the story from a distance’s vantage point.
“You know I’ll just ask Captain Finn for an accurate retelling.”
I finished the last bite of my carrots and put my fork down on the table of the conference room. “And I’ll be very far away when you do. I’m not trying to hide anything important this time. I just don’t know how to feel about it all. It’s still fresh. I don’t think I’m totally processing everything yet.”
Ezra shifted the topic in a direction I was not anticipating. “Captain Finn is a good soldier. He’s second in command of Dagat. There are a great many things I admire about him, but I don’t let him near Mariang. He’s not the guide I would’ve sent you to Silo with. His curse makes him obey King Banak, who doesn’t put value on women’s lives.”
His hinting wasn’t all that subtle. “Finn was fine. It was a bit of an adjustment, but we got used to each other. I think we hit the rank of friends toward the end.”
Ezra sipped his tea. “I don’t know if I should be relieved to hear that or far more worried.”
“Jury’s still out for me, too. I can handle myself around him, though. And for the most part, total professional.”
I heard Von before I saw him. His I’ll-talk-at-whatever-volume-I-feel-like voice reached me as he bolted through the mansion calling my name. My heart started beating faster, out of anticipation or dread, I wasn’t sure. I’d missed him more than I could allow myself to admit to. The sound of his voice made me ache for the familiar back and forth I’d craved.
On the other hand, the last words we’d said to each other were horrible. I wasn’t sure what to expect, and realized I’d started clawing at my hands again.
Ezra took in my trepidation and smirked, putting his teacup down. “I daresay I don’t have to worry so much about you being swept away by Captain Finn. Go to him, darling.”
I grimaced, knowing that teasing look, and wanting nothing to do with it. “Von�
��s my friend.”
“Your mother’s my friend. I know the dance well.” Ezra stood to open the door before Von reached us and kicked it in. “We’re in the conference room, Son. Come on up.”
Von’s gold and blue eyes were wild when they fell on me after he bolted up the stairs. He braced himself with both hands on the doorjamb, as if holding himself back from a fight he couldn’t wait for. “You!” he accused, and I heard the hurt, the elation and the longing that matched my own heart.
“I… I didn’t mean… Um…” I had nothing but excuses that didn’t hold water, and not a thing to hide behind. He was poised for attack, and I knew I didn’t have a solid shield in defense.
His hair was more disheveled than usual. His black “You Thought You Knew” t-shirt was untucked, rumpled and had a coffee stain across the white lettering that matched the drip marks on his torn jeans. It was the same outfit he’d been wearing the last time I’d seen him, only dirtier. He was Von unplugged, and I couldn’t look away. I was afraid of what he might do or say in his unhinged state with things so broken between us.
When he let go of the doorframe, I squeaked as he sprang forward, pulling me up into a bone-crushing hug I hadn’t expected and knew I didn’t deserve. “Never again! No matter what happens, we don’t ditch each other. We don’t throw it away.” He kissed my cheek, and then seemed to rapidly grow addicted to the flavor, spreading affection all over my face. I broke down in his arms that lifted me slightly off the ground. Not Mason’s hug nor Ezra’s kindness made the tears unleash themselves like Von’s crazed warmth did. He smelled like cigars, peppermint and home, and I’d missed the details of him with every fiber of my being. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.”
“No, I’m sorry! I did it. I’m the one who ran.”
“But I pushed you away!”
“I pushed you away! I thought you hated me.”
Tempt (Terraway Book 4) Page 12