‘What’s that?’ Holly asked.
‘It’s like a chemical imbalance in the brain,’ Suzie explained. ‘My mum used to have massive highs and do all sorts of crazy stuff, but then she’d crash and wouldn’t get out of bed for days on end. It was exhausting even when she was in a good mood, ’cos I was constantly on edge waiting for her to go on another downer.’
‘I don’t think my mum’s got that,’ Holly mused. ‘She doesn’t go up and down, she’s narky all the time.’
‘Does she flip out and kick the crap out of you?’
‘No.’
‘You’re lucky, then,’ said Suzie. ‘The last time my mum flipped, she battered me and I had to do a runner. And I was only fifteen, like you.’
‘Wow, I’d be well scared if I couldn’t go home,’ Holly said. ‘What did you do?’
‘My mate let me stay at hers for a few days,’ said Suzie. ‘But her mum found me hiding in her wardrobe when she was at school and kicked me out, so I had to go to my boyfriend’s. He was nineteen and I hadn’t been seeing him very long, so I didn’t really want to move in with him. But he promised he’d behave, and I believed him – more fool me.’
‘Why, what did he do?’
‘He got me drunk and tried to have sex with me, but I wasn’t as far gone as he thought and I slapped him. That’s when I got my first beating.’
‘First?’ Holly frowned.
‘Of many,’ Suzie said, sighing at the memory. ‘He always said he was sorry straight after and swore he’d never do it again. But that’s what they all say, isn’t it?’
‘Why didn’t you leave him?’
‘I had nowhere else to go.’ Suzie shrugged. ‘My mum didn’t want me, and I was terrified that the police would put me in care if I went to them, so I stayed with Hank till I was old enough to put my name down for a council flat.’
‘Hank?’ Holly snorted.
‘I know! Awful, isn’t it?’ Suzie grinned. ‘I used to call him Wank to wind him up when he was getting angry. I figured if he was going to beat me anyway, I might as well push him into it and get it over with. He was always nice to me straight after, but it never lasted long. All I’d have to do was put too much milk in his tea, or not enough salt on his chips, and he’d fly off the handle again.’
‘He sounds horrible,’ Holly said. ‘But if you’d already gone through that with him, why did you stay with Rob after he hit you?’
‘I’ve asked myself that same question a thousand times, and I honestly don’t know,’ Suzie replied. ‘There’s something about him that really gets to me. I can be mad as hell, but all he has to do is give me those puppy-dog eyes and that soppy smile of his and I fall to pieces.’
‘Would you take him back if he turned up?’ Holly asked.
Suzie pursed her lips and thought about it. Then, shrugging, she said, ‘Possibly. But he’d have to swear never to do anything like that again.’
‘Do you think you could ever trust him again?’
‘In time, maybe.’ Suzie sighed. ‘But enough about him.’ She glanced at her watch. ‘We need to crack on before it gets too late.’
She picked up her cigarettes, her glass and the bottle of wine, and walked out into the hall. But instead of heading up to the bedroom, as she had done the previous week, she opened a door beneath the stairs and switched a light on before descending a narrow flight of steps.
Holly followed her down into a small, low-ceilinged cellar. A clothes rail with a green sheet draped over it stood against the wall opposite the stairs, and a camera on a tripod was facing it. A free-standing light with a square hood attached to it stood in the centre of the room, and a laptop was sitting on a small table in the corner.
‘Ta-da!’ Suzie spread her hands. ‘Welcome to my studio.’
‘Did you do it all yourself?’ Holly asked, gazing around.
‘It’s pretty basic, so it wasn’t hard,’ Suzie said, switching the lamp on. ‘I’ll pimp it up when I’ve got more cash, but it’ll do for now. Anyway, go and sit on the sheet.’
‘Aren’t you going to do my make-up?’ Holly asked, still standing at the foot of the stairs, wine glass in hand.
‘No, I want to do some natural shots tonight,’ Suzie said. ‘Give myself a clean slate to play around with on Photoshop.’
‘OK,’ Holly murmured, dreading to think what her pasty, un-made-up face would look like on film. ‘You promise no one else is going to see them?’
‘Cross my heart,’ Suzie assured her. ‘Oh, and here . . . these are for you.’ She picked up a carrier bag and tossed it to Holly.
‘What is it?’ Holly asked, catching it.
‘Just some bras and knickers,’ Suzie said. ‘They’re a bit small for me, but they’re decent, so I didn’t want to throw them out. Don’t worry, they’re all clean, and some have still got tags on.’
‘Thanks.’ Holly smiled, excited by the thought of owning new underwear. It was over a year since her mum had last bought her a bra, and that had come from a charity shop, so it had already been well worn. She didn’t think she’d ever owned a brand-new one.
‘I was going to ask if you’d take some pictures of me when we’re finished with yours?’ Suzie said. ‘Nothing fancy, just a few test shots to put on the website.’
‘Yeah, sure,’ Holly agreed.
‘Great,’ Suzie said, heading for the stairs. ‘Make yourself comfortable while I get changed. I’ll be back in a minute.’
Alone, Holly put her glass down on the laptop table and quickly rummaged through the bag. There were several sets of matching bras and panties in it and they were all gorgeous, but she especially liked the red satin ones that looked like the ones Suzie had been wearing in the photo on the living room wall. She hoped they would fit, because she was looking forward to wearing them to school. She had double PE on Monday afternoons, and she usually got changed in the toilets rather than risk the other girls seeing the state of her underwear. But now she had these she wouldn’t need to hide away, and she was looking forward to showing Bex that she wasn’t such a scruffy embarrassment after all.
Suzie was wearing her dressing gown when she came back down to the cellar, and she’d applied fresh make-up and brushed her hair so it hung in a glossy curtain around her shoulders. After fiddling with the light for a while and running backwards and forwards to the camera to get the focus right, she told Holly to sit on the floor in front of the screen and snapped a series of shots of her from various angles.
Unlike the previous week, when she’d felt awkward and self-conscious, Holly floated through the session. She didn’t know if it was the wine, or the sensation of being cut off from the rest of the world down there in the cellar, but she enjoyed following Suzie’s directions and striking poses she would have been way too embarrassed to attempt in front of anyone else.
The nerves didn’t kick in until her session was over and she swapped places with Suzie behind the camera. Suzie had made it look easy, but there were loads of buttons and levers, and Holly prayed that she wouldn’t accidentally press the wrong thing and delete everything.
When, at last, Suzie said, ‘OK, let’s wrap it up at that,’ Holly was only too happy to call it a night. The temperature in the room had plummeted by then, and goosebumps had sprung up all over her body.
‘Hey, you’ve done a great job with these,’ Suzie said, scrolling through the last few images after unhooking the camera from the tripod. ‘I think I’ll put myself on the beach at sunset in this one.’
She showed Holly a shot of herself lying on her back with one knee raised and her arms stretched out above her head. Her glossy lips were partially open and she had a sultry look in her eyes. It was gorgeous, but Holly was confused.
‘How will you do that?’ she asked. ‘It’s just green.’
‘Wait and see,’ Suzie said, smiling as pulled her dressing gown on and switched off the light. ‘By the time I’ve finished, you’ll think we were actually there.’
Doubting that, Holly followed Suz
ie up the stairs and said goodnight before heading home with the bag of underwear stashed inside her jacket.
Relieved to find that her mum hadn’t come home early, Holly stuffed the bag under her mattress and then changed into her pyjamas before climbing into bed.
15
Things didn’t go quite as planned on Monday, and Holly sensed that something was wrong as soon as she walked into her form room and saw Bex, Leanne and several of their classmates huddled around a desk. They had all been laughing, but they abruptly stopped when they noticed her in the doorway, and she wondered what was going on when she saw Bex and Leanne exchange a hooded look.
Making her way to her own desk on the other side of the room, Holly had just sat down when a shadow crossed her face, and she looked up to find Leanne looming over her.
‘You make me sick,’ the girl hissed. ‘That shit might be acceptable in the slum you come from, but we don’t tolerate that kind of thing round here.’
‘What are you talking about?’ Holly asked, nervous because the girl was taller and a whole lot heavier than she was.
‘I’m talking about your prozzy mum,’ Leanne spat. ‘No wonder you always stink of fish. I bet she’s got you at it an’ all, hasn’t she?’
‘What?’ Holly drew her head back and screwed up her face. ‘You’re talking rubbish!’
‘Hey, Bex, come here a minute . . .’ Leanne called out. ‘She’s trying to make out like she doesn’t know what I’m talking about.’
Bex walked over and peered down at Holly with a pitying look in her eyes. ‘Sorry, Holls. I know you asked me not to tell anyone, but I don’t see why I should keep your dirty little secrets.’
‘Why are you lying?’ Holly spluttered, staring up at her in disbelief. ‘You’re supposed to be my best mate.’
‘Ex mate,’ Bex replied coolly. ‘And you can deny it all you like, but we both know it’s true.’
‘Dirty bitch,’ one of the other girls muttered. ‘You should be ashamed of yourself.’
‘Fuck off!’ Holly spat, turning on the girl. ‘None of you have ever bothered with me anyway, so I don’t give a fuck what you lot think.’
‘Yeah, ’cos you’re a scruffy little weirdo and we can’t stand you,’ sneered Leanne.
‘I’d rather be a weirdo than a fat slag,’ Holly shot back, too angry by then to hold her tongue. ‘What was it you said about her, Bex? She’s a greedy bitch who’d probably weigh twenty stone by now if she didn’t burn it all off shagging Gary Mottram?’
A collective gasp went up among the other girls, and Bex’s face drained of colour when Leanne glared at her.
‘I never said that,’ she spluttered.
‘So how comes she knows about Gary when you’re the only one I’ve ever told?’ Leanne hissed, whacking her in the shoulder and almost knocking her over.
‘I don’t know!’ Bex flapped her hands helplessly and edged behind the desk. ‘She must have been listening when we were talking that day. You know how sneaky she is.’
‘You’re the sneaky one, you two-faced bitch,’ Leanne spat. ‘I should’ve known I couldn’t trust you.’
‘Told you she’s a liar,’ Holly said triumphantly.
‘You shut your mouth,’ Bex cried.
‘Why should I?’ Holly retorted. ‘It’s true!’
‘You’re just jealous ’cos you know I like Julie more than I ever liked you,’ Bex yelled.
‘I don’t give a shit about you and Julie,’ Holly yelled back. ‘But don’t you ever talk about my mum like that again, or I’ll kill you!’
‘Holly Evans, go to the Head’s office immediately!’ the teacher barked, walking into the room at that exact moment.
‘But, miss . . .’ Holly protested.
‘Now!’ the teacher said sharply. ‘And the rest of you sit down. I’ll be back in a minute.’
As she gathered her things together, Holly flashed a glance at Bex and felt a twinge of remorse when she saw how scared she looked as she sat down beside a still-scowling Leanne. They had been best friends for a long time and she had trusted her more than she had ever trusted anyone, so it hurt that Bex had said that about her mum. But if this was how she wanted to play it, she could get lost, because Holly was never going to talk to her again.
Holly didn’t bother trying to defend herself when the teacher told the Head what she’d done. She was an outsider, and she knew the teachers looked down their noses at her as much as the other pupils did, so she stayed silent while the Head lectured her about bullying and zero tolerance, and she didn’t argue when he ordered her to go to the exclusion zone and think about her actions.
Secretly relieved that she wouldn’t have to face Leanne and Bex again, Holly kept her head down for the rest of that morning. But she knew she wasn’t off the hook when, at lunchtime, she heard a group of girls excitedly discussing a fight Leanne was planning to have after school. In no doubt that she was the intended victim, she made sure she was ready to run as soon as the home-time bell rang that afternoon.
16
Josie was coming out of the bathroom when the front door flew open, and she jumped back in fright, spluttering, ‘What the hell?’ when Holly ran in.
‘Sorry!’ Holly gasped, bending over and placing her hands on her knees.
Concerned when she saw that Holly was struggling to catch her breath, Josie said, ‘What’s happened? Is someone chasing you?’
‘Ran home,’ Holly gulped. ‘Trying to . . . keep fit.’
‘By half killing yourself?’ Josie frowned.
‘Didn’t realize it was so far.’
‘Idiot.’ Josie tutted. ‘Hurry up and get changed. You’re dripping sweat on the lino.’
Muttering, ‘Sorry,’ again, Holly dropped her bag and took off her damp blazer.
Josie narrowed her eyes and peered at Holly’s chest. ‘Where’d you get that?’ she demanded.
Holly looked down and blushed when she saw that her sweaty shirt had become transparent and the red bra was visible. There was no way she could tell her mum that Suzie had given it to her, so she said, ‘Oh, erm, Bex gave it to me.’
‘Why?’
‘It didn’t fit her, so she asked if I wanted it. I can give it back if you want?’
‘You might as well keep it now you’ve worn it,’ Josie grumbled. ‘But don’t take anything else off her. We’re not charity cases.’
She turned and walked into the living room at that, and Holly shook her head as she went to her room, wondering why she’d made such a big deal out of it if she wasn’t going to make her give it back.
After changing into jeans and a jumper and hanging the damp shirt on the back of the door to dry out, Holly sank down on her bed and chewed her thumbnail. She’d made it home safely today, but what about tomorrow and the day after that? With Leanne and Bex both gunning for her, her life was going to be hell, and the thought of facing them at school tomorrow was making her nauseous.
Pretend you’re ill!
The thought came to her in a flash, and she seized it with both hands. If she could bag a few days off school by convincing her mum that she was sick, Leanne might have found someone else to pick on by the time she went back.
Thinking that it had to be worth a shot, she wrapped her arms around herself and hobbled into the kitchen where her mum was rinsing a glass out at the sink.
‘Mum, I don’t feel well,’ she said.
‘Why, what’s up with you?’ Josie asked.
‘I’ve got stomach ache.’
‘It’ll be a stitch from running home,’ Josie said, wiping her hands on a tea towel.
‘It’s been aching all day, but it’s getting worse,’ Holly groaned. ‘I think it might be appendicitis.’
‘Don’t talk rubbish.’
‘But it’s really sore, and I feel sick.’
‘Drink some water and sit down till it passes,’ Josie said distractedly as she rooted through her handbag. ‘Where’s my purse? You haven’t seen it, have you?’
Ho
lly shook her head, and Josie brushed past her and went into the living room. Still clutching her stomach, Holly leaned on the door frame and said, ‘I think I’d best stay off school tomorrow.’
‘What?’ Josie said, tossing the sofa cushions aside.
‘I said I should stay off school tomorrow,’ Holly repeated. ‘I’m sure there’s something wrong.’
‘You’ve over-exerted yourself, that’s all,’ Josie replied gruffly. ‘Stop being such a drama queen.’
Figuring that honesty might be the best policy since the lies were getting her nowhere, Holly said, ‘Mum, please let me stay off. Bex isn’t talking to me, and she’s turned everyone else against me. And now this other girl’s after me, ’cos Bex told me a secret about her and I got mad and let it out.’
‘Serves you right for gossiping,’ Josie said unsympathetically. ‘I’m always telling you to keep your mouth shut, but you never listen, so you’ll have to deal with it.’
‘I can’t,’ Holly moaned. ‘She’s the hardest girl in our class. Please, Mum—’
‘For God’s sake!’ Josie snapped, plunging her arm down the back of the sofa. ‘Don’t you think I’ve got more important things to worry about than you and some stupid girl having a fucking falling-out? If I don’t find my purse I’ll have to walk to work, and I’ll probably end up losing my job for being late!’
Holly shot a resentful look at the back of her mum’s head and half-heartedly helped her to look for the purse. Any other mother would have consoled their child and tried to help them find a solution to their problems, but her mum cared more about her stupid job than her own daughter. And she wondered why Holly didn’t feel able to confide in her. Bitch!
Desperate to talk to the only person who would understand or care about her predicament, Holly sulked in her room until her mum had left for work. Snatching up her phone as soon as the door closed behind her, she rang Suzie.
‘My mum’s a total cow!’ she complained when Suzie answered.
‘Oh dear. What’s she done?’
‘I told her I don’t feel well and asked if I can stay off school tomorrow, but she won’t let me.’
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