"You seemed to be close to it last year with that Tony Kemshall you were always writing to me about. What happened to him?"
"Our lives were too different, Mum. His father is Sir Michael Kemshall, and Tony will inherit all his businesses and estates one day. You can hardly expect someone like that to marry a poor working- class girl from Coventry."
Alice sighed. "I suppose not. That doesn't mean you're not good enough for the likes of him, just that rich people are too blind to see it."
Sarah laughed.
“Oh, Mum! Can you really imagine me as the lady of the manor, riding horses and ordering servants around?" She smiled, a little wistfully. "I don't see much of Tony now, but we keep in touch. We’re still friends, which is more than a girl of my background can expect."
Sarah put her empty teacup back into its saucer where it settled with a gentle clatter.
"How come relationships never seem so easy in wartime? I'm very fond of Bobby, but I can't help remembering Joe and how he died. Bobby will be fighting when they open the Second Front, and I have to face the fact that he could be killed. Maybe that's why I'm not allowing myself to fall in love with him. I don't want to lose the one I love again."
Alice frowned. "That's one way of looking at it, Sarah. But if I'd thought that, I'd never have married your Dad and you wouldn't be here now. Of course it hurt to lose him but at least I had happy memories of our time together, and I had you. I wouldn’t have given that up for any amount of peace of mind. You mustn't deprive yourself of love, just because you fear you might lose it. Do you wish you'd never loved Joe?"
Sarah shook her head sadly. "Of course not." She sighed. "I suppose you're right. If you really love someone, you have to take a chance."
"And you do love Bobby, don't you?" It was more a statement than a question.
Sarah shrugged. "I don't know. I enjoy being with him, and I'm sure we could be happy together. Maybe that’s enough to start with, and love will grow from there."
"Well, it gives you something to think about. Now come with me to the living room, I've got something to show you."
Alice rose from the table and led her daughter into the living room, smiling happily at the surprised gasp which escaped her daughter’s lips.
"Mum, it's beautiful! Just like when I was a little girl!"
The room was hung with paper garlands. Some of them were patched, but that only added to their beauty for Sarah, for she could remember each chain made, each tear lovingly repaired. In the corner stood a small Christmas tree, bedecked with tinsel and tiny wooden figures which Sarah remembered from her childhood. At the top was a fairy, her white dress now yellow with age and her wand slightly bent. Sarah remembered carrying the paper bag with its precious cargo home from the shops, and putting it in its rightful place at the top of the Christmas tree for the very first time, when she was four or five years old.
"As you won't be here for Christmas Day, I thought we might as well celebrate a few days early."
Sarah hugged Alice warmly. "Oh Mum, it's wonderful! It makes me feel like a little girl again!"
Alice gave her a motherly pat on the shoulder and smiled. "You'll always be my little girl, Sarah, no matter how old you are."
The two women stood with their arms around each other, wrapped in the memories of the past. A quiet peace settled on the small house, in a bomb ravaged city, in a war torn country. An oasis of stillness where the coming of a little baby to bring peace and joy to the world could be contemplated far from the madness and hate which engulfed the globe. Maybe one day in the not too distant future, there would come a time when there really was 'Peace on earth goodwill towards men'.
Sarah strolled amongst the shops, gazing at the somewhat meagre window displays, wondering what to buy for her mother for Christmas. She was enjoying the relaxed feeling she had, now that she was away from Heronfield and not on call at all hours. She had lain in her bed until late, revelling in the freedom to do so in her old familiar room, and now she was shopping for the few items she needed for Christmas. She had already made some of her purchases - a small silver photograph frame for Jane and Al, a book about English history for Bobby, who seemed so interested in the country of her birth - and these items bulged comfortably in her shopping bag. Sarah’s eye was caught by a splash of colour in the corner of one window, and she went over to have a look. It was a bolt of dress fabric, creamy white with pink roses set against pale green leaves. Sarah knew that she had found the ideal present for her mother. It took no time at all for her to go into the shop to make the purchase.
As she came out of the shop, Sarah wondered what to do with the rest of her morning, and decided to take another look at the cathedral before going home. The sight of its spire standing above the rubble always inspired her to look beyond the end of the war to a brighter future. As she walked in the direction of the bomb site which had once been a beautiful place of worship, she continued to gaze into the shop windows, until her eyes were drawn to a small gold tie pin in the front of a jeweller’s window. It was shaped like a heron in flight, and transported her back to a day when she stood on the banks of the river at Heronfield with Tony, and watched as a heron took flight from a bed of tall reeds. She could almost feel Tony’s lips against hers, and the warmth of his embrace. For a moment it was as though all the misunderstanding had never happened, that she and Tony were together again. She gazed at the tie pin until the cold December air penetrated her dream and brought her back to reality. Tony was no longer a part of her life, but the small golden heron was still there, striving to reach the heights above. As Sarah stared at the beautiful simplicity of its lines, she knew she must have it. She carefully checked her purse and, finding that she had just enough money, she entered the shop, feeling that the heron was made for her. It had been sitting in the shop waiting for her to pass by.
After leaving the jeweller’s, Sarah walked in the direction of the Cathedral. But her mind was no longer on the church which had been destroyed on the night she had been caught up in the bombing three years ago. She was thinking of Tony, wondering what he was doing for Christmas and if he would be going back to Heronfield. She was so deep in her memories that the familiar face did not register at first. She thought it was part of her daydream, then reality hit her and she frowned in puzzlement. Surely it was not him. What would he be doing here in Coventry looking at the burnt out Cathedral? She slowly approached the uniformed man and spoke hesitantly.
"Tony?"
The young man whirled round in startled surprise and she knew that she had been right.
"Tony! What on earth are you doing here?"
Tony’s features worked with a mixture of emotions. Surprise, delight, a touch of sheepishness, almost as though he felt guilty at being caught out in something.
"Sarah!" His face broke into a smile and his voice filled with warmth. "I didn't expect to see you here!"
"Come on, Tony, this is my home town. Where else would I go on leave at Christmas?"
Tony grinned. "I suppose so. I just didn't know you were going to be home on leave."
"So, what are you doing here?" Tony looked at the destroyed Cathedral, unable to meet Sarah’s direct gaze.
“To tell you the truth, I came here because it is your home town. You've told me so much about Coventry that I wanted to see it for myself. I thought it might make me feel closer to you."
Sarah was surprised and remained silent. She gazed at Tony’s profile. He looked so vulnerable. Laying a tentative hand on his arm she drew his attention away from the cathedral and back to her.
"Would you like to talk?"
Tony nodded. "Yes, why not. But not here, it's too cold. Is there somewhere we can get a cup of tea?"
Sarah grinned. "Yes. Come on."
Sarah led him along a bomb damaged street and round the corner to a small tea shop. The bell above the door tinkled as they entered the cosy environment. There were not many people there and they took a seat by the window, ordering tea and cakes from t
he waitress and indulging in small talk until their order came. Then Sarah took a deep breath.
"How much leave do you have for Christmas?"
Tony smiled across the table at her. He was glad that he had suggested tea. It had given him a chance to get his feelings under control. He was surprised to hear Sarah call out his name, he had thought she would be at Heronfield for Christmas. He was not going home, so his only chance to feel close to her was to come to places that she knew, and imagine she was there with him. But now he did not have to imagine it. She was there, warm and vibrant, the woman he loved.
"I'm not due back until Boxing Day."
"When are you going down to Heronfield?"
He frowned. "I'm not. Things are no better, Sarah. I can't go back until my father is willing to accept me for who I am, not who he wants me to be."
"What about your mother? And your grandmother? Don't you think they would like to see you?"
"Of course. And I feel the same way about them. But it's not worth the trouble it will cause."
"So what are you going to do for Christmas?"
"I'm staying at a hotel here in Coventry."
Sarah was puzzled. "Why not London? You don't know Coventry at all. You'll be lonely here."
"Any big city is lonely when you’re alone. I wanted to be somewhere I could feel close to you." Tony watched Sarah’s face anxiously as he spoke. Would she be angry with him for trying to read more into their relationship than she was willing to give?
Sarah felt a strange mixture of warmth and frustration. She was glad Tony felt so strongly about her, but nothing had changed in their relationship. She did not want to feel pressured again. Tony sipped his tea as he watched her, then put his cup down decisively before speaking again.
"How long do you have for Christmas?"
"I go back to Heronfield tomorrow. I was just doing my last bit of shopping."
Tony’s happiness at seeing Sarah again after so long lost some of its edge. He frowned.
"Will you be seeing Bobby over Christmas?"
Sarah nodded. "Yes. When I'm not on duty."
Tony felt a hot flame of jealousy. So she was still seeing him after all these months. He had to know how much of a threat the American was.
"You obviously get on well with him. Do you love him?"
Sarah shrugged. It was the second time she had faced that question in only two days, and she was still no nearer an answer.
"I don't know. We get on well together. That's a start."
Tony reached across the table and tentatively took hold of Sarah’s hand.
"Will you do something for me? Please?"
Sarah was flushed. Tony’s hand around hers felt comforting, and she was so happy to be with him again. Why was life so complicated?
"What do you want?"
"Will you promise not to make any commitment with Bobby until the war is over? You must know how I feel about you. I want the chance to make you happy, without all the problems which the war has placed between us."
"But I have no such problems with Bobby. I know what he does, and he’s always honest with me."
"Don't you think I’d like our relationship to be like that too?" Tony’s voice was pleading. Sarah shook her head.
"To be honest, Tony, I don't know what to think. I sometimes think that you are two different people. There’s the Tony who was my friend at the beginning of the war, the man I got on so well with, the man who came back from Dunkirk so fired up with wanting to fight the Germans, and so angry and hurt at the death of his brother. Then there’s the other Tony, the man with secrets, the man who says he’ll write but then doesn't, the man who seems afraid to take up a gun and fight. I'm never really sure which of the two Tony’s I'm going to see. The confusion’s unsettling."
Tony’s eyes were sad as he gazed into hers.
"The first one is the real Tony, Sarah, I promise you that. It’s the war that has created the second, and I can't explain how or why until it is all over. Please, just say you'll wait until I can explain. Then, if you don't like what you hear, make your life with Bobby and I’ll wish you all the happiness in the world. What do you say, Sarah? Will you give me the chance, for the sake of what we've meant to each other?" His hand tightened around Sarah’s as he spoke, as though he felt that by the force of his will he could make her do what he wanted.
Sarah was quiet for a moment. She wanted to believe him. She wanted the old Tony to take control again, the man whom she had fallen in love with and, if she was honest with herself, the man she still loved. But what about Bobby? She knew she could never love the American in the same way that she loved Tony. But at least she knew he would not hurt her. She shook her head in confusion.
"I don't know, Tony. I don't know if I can promise to wait for you when I can't be sure of what you want from me."
"Just promise that you'll think about what I said."
Sarah nodded slowly. "All right, I'll think about it."
Tony gave a relieved sigh. If she was willing to think about it then there was hope for him yet. They sat in silence for a moment, their hands still clasped across the table, then Sarah carefully extracted her fingers from his and stood up.
"I have to go now. Mum's expecting me for dinner." Her face broke into a sudden smile. "I know. Why don't you come back with me? We’re going to celebrate Christmas early, so you can join with us. That way you won't spend Christmas entirely alone."
Tony was flustered. "I don't know, Sarah. I don't think your mother would like me to intrude in your celebrations."
"Don't be silly! Christmas is a time for sharing. She'll be glad to have you. We both will."
Tony grinned happily, the boyish features taking on the familiar pattern which Sarah loved.
"Then yes, I’d love to come. Thank you.”
The smiling couple left the tea shop and made their way to the Porter home, chatting along the way as though the difficult times between them had never existed.
Sarah led the way up the steps to the front door. Tony followed behind, eager to see the place where Sarah had been born and grew up. Sarah pushed the door open and called out.
"Mum! I'm home! And I've brought someone back for dinner!"
Alice Porter appeared in the kitchen doorway wiping her hands on a towel, her face flushed from the heat of the kitchen. She smiled warmly at Tony as he stepped forward to greet her.
“Hello, Mrs. Porter. I hope you don't mind me intruding on your Christmas dinner?"
"Of course not." Alice grinned at her daughter. "Well, aren't you going to introduce us?"
"This is Tony Kemshall, his father owns Heronfield House. Tony, this is my mother."
"Pleased to meet you."
"And you too. I've heard a lot about you."
Tony turned a quizzical look towards Sarah, who blushed at her mother’s words. Thankfully she did not have to explain herself, for Alice spoke again.
"Take our guest into the other room, love. Dinner will be about half an hour."
Sarah hung up her coat and took Tony’s greatcoat from him, then led him into the room decorated for Christmas. Tony looked around at the paper decorations and the small tree and smiled. Mistaking his feelings Sarah was somewhat defensive.
"I know it's not as lavish as the Christmas decorations you're used to, but this is how Christmas has always been for me."
Tony turned and smiled warmly at the young woman by his side, and Sarah could see the depth of his feelings for her in his eyes. She was unable to turn away as he spoke.
"That's what I like about it. It's so homely, and has obviously been put together with a great deal of love."
Sarah’s feelings, which had been under control for so many months, were now threatening to overwhelm her. Tony gazed at her, seeing the firelight reflected in golden highlights from her hair. He noticed the confusion in her eyes and reached a tentative hand, but Sarah turned away.
"Please sit down and make yourself comfortable, Tony. I must set the table for dinne
r."
Tony sat on the sofa and watched as Sarah busied herself setting a clean linen cloth on the table and taking the best china from the cupboard. It did not take long. When she had finished she had her feelings under control once more.
"Will you excuse me a minute, Tony? I just want to freshen up for dinner."
"You look beautiful as you are."
"Nevertheless I must change." Sarah was blushing as she left the room and carried her shopping upstairs. Ten minutes later she returned, clean and fresh in a pale blue dress, and carrying a parcel wrapped in Christmas paper in her hands. She placed it under the tree and turned smiling towards Tony.
"It's for Mum."
At that moment Alice came into the room. She too had changed. She placed a covered dish on the table, and Sarah excused herself to help. In the kitchen, Alice smiled warmly at her.
"He seems very nice, love. Are you sure you prefer the American to him?"
"Mum!" Sarah’s face was red. "We're just good friends. Honest!"
"When did you last invite a friend for Christmas dinner?"
Sarah grinned. "Never before, but he's on his own. You don't mind?"
Alice shook her head. "Of course not. I was just teasing. Now carry this dish for me."
Sarah carried the dish into the other room. Within minutes the table was full, and the three people sat down. Tony smiled appreciatively at Alice.
"What a wonderful spread. How do you manage it?"
"Most of the vegetables come from the garden, so it wasn't too difficult." She carved the small chicken as she spoke, passing the plate to Tony. He helped himself to potatoes, carrots and sprouts and covered the whole with thick rich gravy.
"Mm, this is lovely." He smiled as he ate, and the conversation continued as they enjoyed their meal.
"We're having Christmas dinner today, because Sarah goes back to Heronfield tomorrow."
Tony nodded. "Yes, I know. She's lucky, she'll be getting another Christmas dinner there in a few days."
"Won't you?"
Tony shook his head sadly. "I'm afraid not. I won't be going home for Christmas."
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