“If you and your dad need anywhere to stay, you are both welcome here,” said Bob’s mum.
“Yeah, of course,” chimed in Bob.
“Thanks so much. I’ll tell him,” said Joe. “Look, I’ve gotta go.”
“Yeah,” said Bob. He opened his arms and gave Joe a hug. Joe couldn’t remember the last time anyone had hugged him. It was one thing money couldn’t buy. Bob was a brilliant hugger too. He was all squidgy.
“I’ll see you later, I suppose,” said Joe.
“I’ll make a shepherd’s pie,” said Bob’s mum with a smile.
“My dad loves shepherd’s pie,” replied Joe.
“I remember,” said Bob’s mum. “Me and your dad were at school together.”
“Really?” asked Joe.
“Yes, he had a bit more hair and a bit less money back then!” she joked.
Joe allowed himself a little laugh. “Thank you so much.”
The lift was out of order so Joe raced down the stairs, bouncing off the walls as he did so. He ran out into the car park where Raj was waiting.
“Bumfresh Towers, Raj. And step on it!”
Raj pedalled hard and the trike trundled off down the street. They passed a rival newsagent’s shop and Joe clocked the headlines on the papers in racks outside. Dad was on every front page.
Bumfresh Scandal
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BUMFRESH SCANDAL said The Times.
BILLIONAIRE SPUD FACING RUIN ran the Telegraph.
BUMFRESH IS HARMFUL TO BOTTOMS exclaimed the Express.
IS YOUR BOTTOM PURPLE? enquired the Guardian.
BUMFRESH PURPLE BOTTOM NIGHTMARE! screamed the Mirror.
QUEEN HAS BABOON’S BUM claimed the Mail.
BUM HORROR yelled the Daily Star.
POSH SPICE CHANGES HAIRSTYLE announced the Sun.
Well, nearly every front page.
“You were right, Raj!” said Joe, as they sped up the high street.
“About what in particular?” replied the newsagent, as he mopped the sweat from his brow.
“About Bumfresh. It has made everyone’s bottom go purple!”
“I told you so! Did you inspect yours?”
So much had happened since Joe had left Raj’s shop yesterday afternoon he had completely forgotten. “No.”
“Well?” prompted the newsagent.
“Pull over!”
“What?”
“I said, ‘pull over’!”
Raj swerved the Rajmobile on to the verge. Joe leaped off, looked over his shoulder and pulled down the back of his trousers a little.
“Well?” asked Raj.
Joe looked down. Two great purple swollen cheeks stared back at him. “It’s purple!”
Let’s have another look at Raj’s graph. If Joe’s bottom was added to it, it would look like this:
In short Joe’s bum was very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very…
… purple.
Joe pulled up his trousers and jumped back on the Rajmobile. “Let’s go!”
As they approached Bumfresh Towers, Joe saw that there were hundreds of journalists and camera crews waiting outside the gates of his house. As they approached, all the cameras turned to them, and hundreds of flashes went off. They were blocking their entrance and Raj had no choice but to stop the trike.
“You are live on Sky News! How do you feel now your father faces financial ruin?”
Joe was too shocked to reply, but still men in raincoats continued to shout questions at him.
“BBC News. Is there going to be a compensation package for the millions of people around the world whose bums have gone purple?”
“CNN. Do you think your father will face criminal charges?”
Raj cleared his throat. “If I may make a short statement, gentlemen.”
All the cameras turned to the newsagent and there was hushed silence for a moment.
“At Raj’s shop in Bolsover Street I am doing a very special offer on Frazzles. Buy ten packets get one free! For a limited time only.”
The journalists all sighed loudly and muttered their annoyance.
Ding ding!
Raj rang the bell on his trike and the sea of reporters parted, to let him and Joe through.
“Thank you so much!” chirped Raj with a smile. “And I have some out of date Lion Bars at half price! Only slightly mouldy!”
Chapter 26
A Blizzard of Banknotes
As Raj pedalled hard up the long driveway, Joe was shocked to see that there was already a fleet of lorries parked up by the front door. An army of bulky men in leather jackets were carrying out all of his dad’s paintings and chandeliers and diamond-encrusted golf clubs. Raj stopped the bike and Joe leaped out of the basket and ran up the huge stone steps. Sapphire was hurrying out in a pair of impossibly high heels, laden with a huge suitcase and numerous handbags.
“Out of my way!” she hissed.
“Where’s my dad?” demanded Joe.
“I dunno and I don’t care! The idiot has lost all of his money!”
As she ran down the steps the heel of her shoe broke off and she took a tumble. The case crashed on the stone floor and broke open. A blizzard of banknotes swirled into the air. Sapphire began screaming and crying, and as mascara ran down her cheeks she leaped up, trying desperately to catch them. Joe looked back at her with a mixture of anger and pity.
He then raced into the house. It was now completely bare of any belongings. Joe fought past the bailiffs and sprinted up the grand spiral staircase. He passed a couple of burly men making off with hundreds of miles of his Scalextric track. For a millisecond Joe felt a pang of regret, but he carried on running and burst through the door to his dad’s bedroom. The room was white and bare, almost serene in its emptiness. Hunched on a bare mattress with his back to the door was his dad, wearing only a vest and a pair of boxer shorts, his fat hairy arms and legs contrasting with his bald head. They had even taken his toupee.
“Dad!” shouted Joe.
“Joe!” Dad turned around. His face was red and raw from crying. “My boy, my boy! You came home.”
“I’m sorry I ran away, Dad.”
“I am so upset I hurt you with all that business with Lauren. I just wanted to make you happy.”
“I know, I know, I forgive you, Dad.” Joe sat down next to his father.
“I’ve lost everything. Everything. Even Sapphire’s gone.”
“I am not sure she was the one, Dad.”
“No?”
“No,” replied Joe as he tried not to shake his head too hard.
“No, maybe not,” said Dad. “Now we’ve got no house, no money, no private jet. What are we gonna do, son?”
Joe reached into his trouser pocket and pulled out a cheque. “Dad?”
“Yes, my boy?”
“The other day I was going through my pockets and I found this.”
Dad studied it. It was the one he had written his son for his birthday. For two million pounds.
“I never paid it in,” said Joe excitedly. “You can have it back. Then you can buy us somewhere to live, and still have loads of money left over.”
Dad looked up at his son. Joe wasn’t sure if his father was happy or sad.
“Thank you so much, boy. You are a great lad, you really are. But I am sorry to say this cheque is worthless.”
“Worthless?” Joe was shocked. “Why?”
“Because I have no money left in my bank account,” explained Dad. “There are so many lawsuits against me the banks have frozen all my accou
nts. I’m bankrupt now. If you had paid it in when I gave it to you, we would still have two million pounds.”
Joe felt a little bit frightened that somehow he had done the wrong thing. “Are you angry with me, Dad?”
Dad looked at Joe and smiled. “No, I’m pleased you didn’t cash it in. All that money never really made us happy, did it?”
“No,” said Joe. “In fact it made us sad. And I am sorry too. You brought my homework to school and I shouted at you for embarrassing me. Bob was right, I have behaved like a spoiled brat at times.”
Dad chuckled. “Well, just a little!”
Joe bumjumped along closer to his dad. He needed a hug.
At that moment two burly bailiffs entered the room. “We’ve got to take the mattress,” announced one.
The Spuds offered no resistance, and stood up to let the men carry the last item out of the room.
Dad leaned over and whispered into his son’s ear. “If there’s anything you want to grab from your room, boy, I’d do it now.”
“I don’t need anything, Dad,” replied Joe.
“There must be something. Designer shades, a gold watch, your iPod…”
They watched as the two men carried the mattress out of Mr Spud’s bedroom. It was now completely bare.
Joe thought for a moment. “There is something,” he said. He disappeared out of the room.
Mr Spud moved over to the window. He watched helpless as the leather-jacketed men carried out everything he owned, silver cutlery, crystal vases, antique furniture, everything… and loaded it into the trucks.
In a few moments Joe reappeared.
“Did you manage to grab anything?” asked Dad eagerly.
“Just one thing.”
Joe opened his hand and showed his dad the sad little loo-roll rocket.
“But why?” said Dad. He couldn’t believe his son had kept the old thing, let alone chosen it as the one thing he wanted to save from the house.
“It’s the best thing you ever gave me,” said Joe.
Dad’s eyes clouded over with tears. “But it’s just a loo roll with a bit of another loo roll stuck to it,” he spluttered.
“I know,” said Joe. “But it was made with love. And it means more to me than all that expensive stuff you bought me.”
Dad shook with uncontrollable emotion, and wrapped his short fat hairy arms around his son. Joe put his short, fat, less-hairy arms around his dad. He rested his head on his dad’s chest. He felt that it was wet with tears.
“I love you, Dad.”
“Ditto… I mean, I love you too, son.”
“Dad…?” said Joe tentatively.
“Yes?”
“Do you fancy shepherd’s pie for tea?”
“More than anything in the world,” said Dad with a smile.
Father and son held each other tight.
Finally, Joe had everything he could ever need.
Postscript
So what happened to all the characters in the story?
Mr Spud liked Bob’s mum’s shepherd’s pie so much that he married her. And now they have it every night for their tea.
Joe and Bob not only stayed best friends – when their parents got married they became stepbrothers too.
Sapphire got engaged to a Premier League football team.
Raj and Mr Spud began working on a number of ideas together that they hoped would make them zillionaires. The five-fingered Kit Kat. The queen-size Mars Bar (in between king and normal size). Vindaloo-flavoured Polo mints. At time of writing none of these ideas have made them a penny.
No one ever worked out which Grubb was a he and which Grubb was a she. Not even their mum or dad. They were sent to a boot camp in America for juvenile delinquents.
The headmaster, Mr Dust, retired from the school on his hundredth birthday. He now races motorbikes full time.
Miss Spite the history teacher got her job back and gave Joe litter duty every day for the rest of his life.
The unfortunately named teacher Peter Bread changed his name. To Susan Jenkins. Which didn’t really help.
Lauren continued her acting career, the only highlight of which was a part in the TV hospital drama Casualty. As a dead body.
The headmaster’s secretary, Mrs Chubb, never did get out of her chair.
The Queen’s bum remained purple. She showed it to everyone in the country when she gave her yearly speech to the nation on Christmas Day, calling it her ‘anus horribilis’.
And finally, Mrs Trafe released a bestselling cook book, 101 Recipes with Bat Sick. Available from HarperCollins.
Character Voices
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David performs the voices for the audiobook of Billionaire Boy. This very book is available as an audiobook from iTunes!
Horrible food
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David talks about the worst thing he's ever eaten
Bumfresh
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David imagines how Bumfresh might be advertised
Thank yous:
I would like to thank a few people who helped make this book possible. I did most of the hard work, but I have to mention them. First, Tony Ross, for his illustrations. He could have coloured them in, but apparently you have to pay him extra. Next, I would like to thank Ann-Janine Murtagh. She is in charge of all HarperCollins children’s books and is very nice and always has great suggestions. I have to say that, she is the boss. Then there is Nick Lake who is my editor. His job is to help me with the characters and story, and I couldn’t do it without him. Well, I could actually, but he would cry if he wasn’t mentioned here.
The cover was designed by James Stevens, and the interior was designed by Elorine Grant. I could say that ‘Elorine’ is a silly name, but I won’t, that would be cruel. The publicist is Sam White. If you see me on Loose Women trying to flog this book, don’t blame me, blame her. Sarah Benton, thank you so much for being the most wonderful marketing manager, whatever that is. The sales directors Kate Manning and Victoria Boodle did something too, though I am not sure what. Thank you also to the copyeditor Lily Morgan and the proofreader Rosalind Turner. If there are any spelling mistakes it’s their fault. And thank you to my agent Paul Stevens at Independent for taking 10% plus VAT of my fee for sitting in his office all day drinking tea and eating biscuits.
Of course, a big thank you to you for buying this book. Really you shouldn’t be bothering reading this bit though. It’s boring. You need to get on with reading the story. It has already been called ‘one of the greatest stories ever written’. Thanks for that, Mum.
Copyright
1
Text © David Walliams 2010
Illustrations © Tony Ross 2010
David Walliams and Tony Ross assert the moral right to be identified as the author and illustrator of this work
All rights reserved under International and Pan-American Copyright Conventions. By payment of the required fees, you have been granted the non-exclusive, non-transferable right to access and read the text of this e-book on-screen. No part of this text may be reproduced, transmitted, down-loaded, decompiled, reverse engineered, or stored in or introduced into any information storage and retrieval system, in any form or by any means, whether electronic or mechanical, now known or hereinafter invented, without the express written permission of HarperCollins e-books.
ISBN 978-0-00-737105-1
Enhanced EPub Edition © 2010 ISBN: 978-0-00-744635-3
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Table of Contents
David Walliams introduces Billionaire Boy
School Lunch Menu
Teachers' Catchphrases
Sapphire's Birfday Wish-List
Purpleness
Character Voices
Horrible Food
Bumfresh
Meet Joe Spud
Lessons
Blob
Dog Spit
Teachers' Names
Bumfresh Scandal
Cover
Title Page
Thank yous
Chapter 1 - Meet Joe Spud
Chapter 2 - Bum Boy
Chapter 3 - Who’s the Fattiest?
Chapter 4 - “Loo Rolls?”
Chapter 5 - Out of Date Easter Eggs
Chapter 6 - The Grubbs
Chapter 7 - Gerbils on Toast
Chapter 8 - The Witch
Chapter 9 - “Finger?”
Chapter 10 - Dog Spit
Billionaire Boy Page 10